Backup Dancers From Hell: Jennifer Lopez featuring Pitbull - “On The Floor”

  We start off in what looks like an alley, with a fancy car driving along (It’s a BMW, in case you didn’t notice the prominent product placement as the camera lingers lovingly on the hood emblem) while steam billows and music softly plays. We see Jennifer (or at least her body double) getting out of this car, wearing a black hoodie and her hair perfectly fabulous despite the billowing steam that would destroy lesser women who aren’t millionaires. There’s also a guy in the car, but he doesn’t get out, so we’ll have to assume that he’s not important.

  Jennifer saunters over to another location in the alley, where the odd purple light makes her look even prettier, and she opens a small gift box from “Swarovski”. (That means some serious bling, people.) Jenn pulls out something that might be an earring or some belly-piercing décor or a fancy IUD. It doesn’t matter what it is, somebody spent some cash. You have to respect gifts from a store where people with low credit levels would be shot on sight.

  I guess it’s an earring, since Jennifer shoves this thing through her earlobe. (Or maybe she just doesn’t understand what an IUD is. She’s a very busy girl and doesn’t have time for research.) Then we cut to… I don’t know what this place is. Presumably it’s somewhere nearby, since we get a quick glimpse of Jennifer, even though she’s wearing a different outfit and sitting in a pose that speaks of royalty and not having to pay taxes.

  Suddenly, in another part of this place that seems to have an overabundance of chandeliers, we see Pitbull giving a shout-out to J-Lo while minions fawn around him. Back to Jennifer in yet another outfit, one that requires her to look effortlessly beautiful while fans blow her hair about. Quick shot of an unnamed mime, with some background detail letting us know that this is either a nightclub or the Paris Opera.

  Jennifer again, first doing something standing near a wall with an odd ballet bar, then another taste of her in that regal outfit which now requires her to sprawl on a fancy French couch. Brief shot of Pit, then more Jennifer, with her fiddling with what might be a hair-based cupcake on her head. And then, BAM, we’re off and running with the jump-cutting. I’ll just have to report what I can catch as things whiz by.

  For starters, Pitbull still hasn’t figured out that he’s not as attractive as he firmly believes that he is. He’s still doing that trademark snarl thing where he sings out of the side of his mouth, not understanding that he looks like a Chihuahua with development issues. We also have some dude/chick/thing running around with face glitter, and Jennifer doing something that requires her to grasp her head and dance in front of that wall in a glittery outfit so tight that we can see pelvic bone. (Honey, EAT something.)

  Pitbull raps something about backing it up “like a Tonka truck” (he’s so considerate), and then Jennifer does just that, booty-waving with a frenzy at the ballet bar while wearing sparkly high heels. We also get shots of Queen Jennifer and her cupcake on the fancy couch, and then we’re back to Ballet Jennifer and her hair, gyrating and twirling like she is personally responsible for creating enough energy to supply all of North America.

  More jump-cutting, where we realize that Queen Jennifer is possibly being eaten alive by a gold metallic plant, and shots of the dance floor (where did THAT come from) with people so moved by the participation of Jennifer and Bull that they have to do a Line Dance of Worship. Ballet Jennifer does something with her finger and Queen Jennifer does something with her arm. (I believe the entire script of the video is encapsulated in the previous sentence. Just guessing.)

  This goes on for a while, with more of the same quick shots of Jennifer and Pitbull, people achieving orgasm on the dance floor, and nobody ugly permitted on the set. We do have a few new developments, like Queen Jennifer finding a cane under her throne and waving it about, and Pitbull finally coming up with a new signature gesture, this one involving him doing something vaguely Italian with his hand.

  The music suddenly slows down for a bit, but all this really means is that the jump-cutting slows down as well, so that we get to really study the fine artistic subtleties of drunken people losing their inhibitions on the dance floor while a new Jennifer makes an appearance on that same floor, with her carloads of hair and mystifying lack of clothing inciting the extras to shimmy and shake with renewed fervor and disregard for personal responsibility.

  The Newest Jennifer apparently has an incredible ability to get everyone in the club involved in her personal need to express an enjoyment of life via exuberant hand gestures that just might raise The Dead. On the flip side, Queenly Jennifer and Kingly Pitbull gaze disparagingly on Aerobics Jennifer with a certain amount of disdain mixed with slight jealousy that a common citizen who came through the front door of this club has actually gotten the party started.

  More shots of chandeliers. Not sure what’s up with that, but I’m assuming that proper lighting is very important to these people.

  And we continue with more of the same. Common People Jennifer has the crowd going wild, while Queen Jenn and King Pit continue to wrinkle their noses, while simultaneously harboring deep desires to be loved by one and all without having to sweat or pay the salaries of people who shouldn’t be voting anyway.

  Seriously, this theme goes on for a VERY long time. Fly Girl Jennifer gets the street cred, while the Club Royalty finally realizes that maybe they ain’t all that and should start doing the right thing. (A concept that never occurs to the Republican Party. Imagine that.) We do get a brief interlude where Ballet Jennifer (whose party affiliation is not clear) does some nice slo-mo movements while fireflies or nuclear particles drift about around her.

  But really, this is all about The People’s Jennifer, especially when she does a segment where she twirls energetically without actually revealing anything like Miss Jackson If You’re Nasty did. For whatever stupid reason, the producers let Pitbull rap some more, but really, I think we all understand at this point that Pitbull is just in it for the skanky ho’s and the continued disillusionment that he actually has anything to contribute.

  We still jump-cut around for a bit, but it’s no longer important. Dance Floor Jennifer is going to win this thing, hands down, and it’s only a matter of time (seconds?) before the commoners revolt and rip the silly cupcake off Queen Jennifer’s head. As for Pitbull, well, it really wouldn’t be polite of me to bring up his fate in mixed company….

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube….

Backup Dancers From Hell - Usher featuring Pitbull - “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”

We start things off in what looks like it might be a very fancy restaurant where there was some type of misunderstanding and everybody died. Chairs are knocked over and glass is smashed. Then we get a close-up glimpse of a turntable, so apparently music was involved in whatever tragedy took place. As the camera pans the destroyed room, we get ghosty images of dancers cutting in and out. It’s like “The Shining”, except not really and we don’t see Shelley Duvall’s ugly hairdo and screaming mouth.

Then some evil hand reaches in and gets the record spinning, and we start to see more images of people dancing. Well, I think they’re dancing. It’s basically a lot of hair being flipped around in some type of violent manner. I wouldn’t rule out electrocution, what with all the spilled liquid on the floor. Then one of the piles of shattered glass puts itself back together again, and hops up on the bar as a newly-restored bottle of liquor. So the ghosts and/or the hidden DJ have magical powers? Got it. It’s like “Charmed”, except not really and we don’t see Alyssa Milano’s belly button.

The music starts and more people flip their air. We see Usher walking up some stairs, and just in case we aren’t sure who he is, someone body whispers “Usher” repeatedly on the soundtrack. (He’s not vain at all, is he?) Then Usher starts doing some dance moves, because that’s what he’s all about. Of course, he’s got shades on even though it’s very dark in the club, because that’s one of the requirements of music videos. Oh, and he sings, too, in case you were wondering.

Apparently the extras have been told to stay away from the star, because he has a big chunk of the dance floor all to himself. Or maybe it’s some kind of insurance thing, because Usher likes to kick a lot. The main Usher keeps dancing, but we also have shots of him wandering through the gyrating crowd, probably trying to figure out where the bathroom might be. No one stops flipping their hair long enough to provide directions, which is a little sad.

Then we start to realize the Ushers are moving at one speed, while the big-haired dancers are moving at another. Not sure what that’s all about. It’s kind of fun and different at first, but quickly becomes slightly annoying. This continues for a bit. (I should also point out a few other music video requirements: It’s important that all the nameless dancers raise their hands over their heads at exactly the same time, and it’s okay if your whipped hair gets in your face, because a nice fan will blow it out of your way for you.

More singing and dancing from Usher, more sexual writhing by the assembled dancers, and more shots of the mysterious DJ jacking around with the record on the turntable. (At one point, we see that Usher is apparently a fan of that mystifying “pants on the ground” mess. It’s only a short piece, but his pants are clearly way south of his waist, and I’m disappointed that yet another music star is reinforcing dressing habits that will ensure certain youngsters will never get a promotion at their jobs.

Then Usher is doing some kind of running-slide thing in a big room, and he expertly skids to a halt in front of a large window. Behind him, two women are posed against the window glass like limber black windows. (No explanation is given, they’re just there.) Usher does some more dance steps, fiddling with a hat. Turns out he was performing some sort of wake-the-dead ceremony, because the spider-women come alive and start dancing with him to show their gratitude. It’s like “Interview with the Vampire”, except not really and we don’t get to see Tom Cruise with totally-wrong blonde hair.

Usher and the preying mantises boogie for a bit in synch, mixed in with some shots assuring us that Usher is still wearing his shades, so you can rest easy on that point. Then they line up and do some Hindu business so it looks like he has six arms. Again, no idea why we’re seeing this, but it looks really hip with the strobe lights, so that’s probably the only motivation. Then Usher dances away and leaves the spider chicks to devour one another. It’s like “Mean Girls”, except not really and we don’t get to see Lindsay Lohan before she lost her mind and started wearing lots of leather.

Usher heads back to the main dance room, and they start screwing around with the speed of the other dancers, making Usher look really cool because he’s still got his smooth moves, but everybody else seems to be badly in need of a better pharmacist. (The bad drug regimen still doesn’t stop these poor folks from jumping in the air and flipping their hair. This is gonna burn like Pilates in the morning, people.)

Oh wait, did we just see the DJ’s face? Looks like he’s wearing modified ski goggles, which is stupid, but I guess if Usher can do it, so can he.

Doesn’t really matter, because we quickly cut to Pitbull in another part of the bar, surround by shimmying lovelies, because that’s in his contract. (He also has shades on, so it’s a wonder any of these people actually found their way home.) He raps away with his usual thing, all about he’s the greatest stud this world has ever seen and the womens can’t wait to have sex with him. Speaking of, someone should probably tell the bevy of anorexic starlets around him that they are supposed to be in love with him, and not in chatting to one another about who has the best Cosmo recipe.

Cut back to Usher in the main part of the dance floor. The extras have cleared a space for his royal presence, but a select few of the underlings have been allowed to dance with him. These extras dash about and strike poses, not really dancing, including one enterprising floozy whose signature move appears to be bending over and waving her fanny at Usher. He’s not really that interested, having seen that move a hundred times, so she’s replaced by some guy in white spandex that thinks he’s Ziggy Marley.

Suddenly, Usher jumps about five feet in the air, his mouth wide open and wailing one of the song notes. (Chili dogs kick in?) When he lands, the select dancers kick it up another notch, with everybody really bouncing around, so I guess they all ate at the same restaurant. They seem really invested in doing one move where they put one hand behind their head and flap their arm like a half-ass “chicken dance”. This does nothing for me. I tried, but no.

And that’s basically it, we have about 30 more seconds of the same thing: people dancing on the ceiling, producers jacking with the film so it appears that everyone but Usher has motor-skill issues, and Pitbull is still off on the side, praising himself while his disinterested harem just sits there and waits for a paycheck. Then Usher and the featured dancers all touch their left breasts at the same time, and the song ends.

Usher thanks the mysterious DJ and then wanders off while the sunrise is apparently streaming through the windows. Interestingly enough, Usher is not wearing his sunglasses at this time. Perhaps I should send him an instructional brochure…

　

　

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube…

Backup Dancers From Hell: Enrique Iglesias featuring Pitbull - “I Like It”

We start out with Enrique and Pit running up some stairs, heading toward what could be a nightclub, but could also just be Enrique’s penthouse in Miami. (You know that boy’s got some piles of cash laying around.) Anyway, they’re acting like they’re best buddies even though they probably just met five minutes before somebody turned the video camera in. They open the doors, and it looks like the party’s already started, because people are pogo-ing around the room like Muppets on crack.

And sadly, that pretty much wraps it up for the whole video.

Oh sure, you get to see different flavors of Muppets, and somebody turns on a big fan at one point for that windblown look, but really, it’s just people jumping up and down while Enrique and Pitbull sing about how much they really, really like it. Sometimes in Spanish, to prove that they’re bilingual and making it seem like there are more lyrics to the song than there really are.

Pitiful wears his sunglasses the whole time, even though it’s night, inside a darkened bar, so he probably listened to that Corey Hart song as a child. Enrique spends a lot of time doing the same pose over and over, where he has his head tilted down and looks seductively at the camera, leering like he just had sex with the entire Florida peninsula. And yes, it’s kinda sexy, but really, Enrique, we got it the first time.

Speaking of supposedly sexy, why do so many of the girls think it’s alluring to raise one of their arms over their heads while dancing, and then gaze at their armpit and lick their lips. This does nothing for me. Are there really people out there going, oh my God, she loves her sweat glands, that is so HAWT.

At 0:26 into the video, one woman just barely keeps one of her breasts from flying across the room. I hope she’s okay.

At 0:29, another girl apparently gets pulled up to the ceiling by her ear. She’s smiling, though, so I guess she’s having fun.

At 0:43, there’s a very brief glimpse of Madonna doing a hair flip with enough force to cut glass.

Amidst all this, people are still dancing in the throes of ecstasy, transformed into a religious frenzy by the power of the music. Most of them have their hands over their heads, including a lot of the guys. Interesting. Is that cool for guys to do now? Back in the day, the dudes had to keep their arms rigidly at their sides, or people would instantly know that you liked show tunes.

Oh, and Enrique is still singing, not that it matters to these people.

At 0:50, several very excited girls launch into orbit. They are now the responsibility of NASA. Houston, we have beaver in the sky.

The successful lift-off motivates Enrique to do the same thing, but there’s an issue with the hydraulics and he instead flies sideways, sliding across a kitchen island and then poking a woman’s breast. Interesting that his finger didn’t stay there very long. Hmmm.

At 0:54, Kelly Clarkson has the music in her.

Then Enrique, still trying to gain altitude, starts walking on the back of a couch, which most decent folk would consider rude, but he gets away with it because he’s cute. Then he starts doing this anti-gravity thing, proving how weightless he is. (Now THERE’s an analogy for you.) I guess that mole he had removed weighed a lot more than we thought.

At 1:28, Enrique briefly channels the Church Lady from SNL.

At 1:39, Joan Jett has a cameo.

At 1:47, Robert Palmer’s backup dancers make an appearance.

Then it’s Pitbull’s turn to sing, and he announces this by doing a Charo howl. He starts rapping away, with his attitude never letting us forget that he thinks he is the sexiest thing to be discovered since Christopher Columbus misread a star chart. He climbs on the coffee table, so I guess domination over furniture is one of the few themes for this video.

At 2:20, we start with several brief shots where Enrique is making hand motions that a woman should lift up her tight skirt. She basically does, hunching forward across the dance floor like somebody splashed Fresca on her kettle drum. Personally, I think Enrique got a whiff of drag queen and is checking the status quo.

At 2:30 we learn that Enrique can sing really high for no apparent reason. The sound causes several Victoria’s Secret models to start bouncing on a nearby bed. Of course, the barely-clothed harlots soon commence with a pillow fight, because THAT’S never been done before.

At 2:49, drunk people are playing patty-cake while riding on the shoulders of other drunk people. Another one of those mystifying activities that I just don’t get. Unfortunately, that seems to be the end of any new material, because the rest of the video is déjà vu, with people dancing in a sexually ambiguous manner, pillow feathers falling through the air onto oiled-up models wearing wristbands as bathing suits, and an inexplicable need to jump in the air as high as you can with your mouth wide open.

Then Enrique finally leaves the club without Pitbull. (The assumption being that Pit couldn’t bear to part from the many mirrors on the dance floor.) Enrique doesn’t get very far, sitting down on the steps outside. Either he’s very tired after all the dancing and singing, or he’s so ashamed of this video that he doesn’t have the strength to go on.

I think I’ll go with Option B.

　

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.