Searching For Signal: #179 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 9

We start out at the Libertad camp, right after they’ve sent Alina packing. NaOnka in a sidebar: She thinks Marty went too far in his attacks on Jane. (Which is true, he did, but Nay, dumplin‘, you go too far with everything, so I’m not sure that you and that thing on your head should be the one talking about this.)

We see Chase whispering to Brenda: Please tell me you didn’t buy that crap Marty was spewing. Brenda acts like she was all offended by Marty, but you know Brenda’s a sneaky one so she’s probably thrilled that it happened. Then Jane gives her a wake-up call: “Well, wait until he attacks you, honey.” Brenda should really consider this, but she’s too busy waiting for someone to hand her the money because she thinks she’s already won.

Cut to Jane in a sidebar: She has nothing but glowing things to say about wonderful Mr. Marty. Not. “He knows his days are numbered.”

Roll opening credits.

Right when we come back from the commercials, the producers unleash something on the soundtrack that sounds like a man being torn apart by wild pigs. Since we have the volume cranked so we don’t miss any important snide remarks in a sidebar, this screech-noise echoes up and down the block, with lights popping on in neighboring houses. I don’t know what that was, but they don’t need to do it again.

We see Marty and Sash doing something with a water barrel, with Marty trying to figure out which other person voted for him at the last tribal. (It was Holly.) Marty in a sidebar: “It’s frustrating trying to play the game with people that are just stupid.” Well, Marty, it’s also frustrating playing with arrogant buttheads, so that makes it a level playing field, don’t you think? Now go do something on a part of the island where the cameras can’t reach you.

Next we have folks standing around eating rice, because that’s always exciting. Marty tells Benry and Dan what the plan is (because he’s the only one smart enough to have a plan, right?). Marty wants to tell everyone that they are voting for NaOnka, to flush the Idol out, and then actually send Jane home. Tweedle-dum and Tweedle-Worthless both nod like this is the greatest plan, ever. (Of course, someone has to run up and nod Dan’s head for him, because he can’t do it on his own.)

Jane in a sidebar: Like I can’t hear you, Marty. Dumb-ass. Marty knows there’s a noose around his neck and he’s desperate. “I’d like to take him to the woodshed and whip his ass.” (Love her.)

Time for the Reward Challenge, with the winners getting to ride zip-lines and then have a nice barbecue. (When folks hear about the fixins that await at the barbecue, most of them have involuntary orgasms, especially Brenda, who apparently has a very special relationship with apple pie.) To win, your team just has to be the first to negotiate a very strenuous obstacle course, find three keys, then open three locks at the end of the run. Jeff announces that they will now randomly draw for the two teams.

Random? We end up with all the ladies on one team, and all the guys on the other, with Chase having to sit out so the teams are even. No offense, ladies, but this isn’t really fair, with such a physical challenge. The guys are already smirking, instantly assuming that they will win, so of course we have to root for the girls.

Jeff turns to Chase, and makes him pick a team to win. If that team does succeed, he gets to fly through the air and eat barbecue with them. Otherwise, nada. Chase opts to side with the women, which earns him the undying hatred of the guys. And off we go.

At first it’s really close, but since we’re dealing with things like breaking through strong brick walls, the guys eventually pull ahead. (The first time the girls hit that brick wall, they bounce right off, which would have been funny if critical things like apple pie weren‘t involved.) Dan, of course, basically has to be carried through part of the course, but the guys eventually win. And as expected, the guys give Chase all sorts of smack for not picking them.

Interesting twist: Jeff asks the guys if any of them are willing to give up their spot so one of the girls can go, with Jeff pointing out that this is a social and strategic game. The guys take one millisecond to all say no. Jeff: See that? “Whatever alliances exist, they aren’t existing right now.” Word.

Marty in a sidebar: “Watching Chase join Jane was like watching the movie “Dumb and Dumber”. (Whatev, Marty. You’re such a jerk.)

Cut to the boys riding the zip lines. They seem to be having a good time and all, except for Dan. Even when riding something designed to make him go fast, he falls apart. He doesn’t even have to do anything, which is his specialty, but he still can’t handle it, inching along like it’s jello time at the old folks home.

They finally get to the food, where Marty promptly starts babbling about his plan to trick NaOnka and send Jane home. The guys all seem to be on board, but it’s hard to gauge their true feelings when they’re all shoving sausages in their mouths. (Danny eats and drinks more than anybody, because it’s HARD WORK doing nothing all day.)

Fabio, of all people (he’s not the sharpest fool in the bed), wonders what Brenda thinks of Chase, which is a good question. Brenda is pivotal. Marty doesn’t really care, like Chase is completely unimportant. Dan agrees about Chase. (“He’s a bad horse to ride.” Yep, Dan said that. Even the cameraman stumbles when he hears Dan saying somebody else is worthless.)

Sash in a sidebar: Marty’s plan makes sense, but “Brenda and I are the two smartest minds out here. In the end, she and I have the power to send whoever we want home.” (I’d still sleep with one eye open, Sash. It’s the people who relax and get too comfortable in this game that usually get hit with a blindside. Sayin.)

Back at camp, the girls all love on Chase for supporting them. Well, except for Brenda, in a sidebar: He didn’t make a smart move. He should have went with the guys. “Chase doesn‘t make smart moves, that‘s his problem.” (Really? Can you count, Brenda? The five girls plus Chase can trump any vote coming from the five other guys. Oh, wait. You and Sash are joined at the arrogant hip. My bad.)

Anyway, Brenda aside, they all want Marty out. Holly and Chase have a sidebar where they worry about Brenda, but they end the convo with Holly saying “You gotta trust her. That’s all you can do.” (No, you actually should do more than that, but I understand that you may not have time, since it takes so long for you to shove all that hair of yours under your buff.) Chase and NoOnka chat, with Chase still worried about Brenda. Nay warns him about upsetting Brenda: “Just don’t get on her nerves.”

Chase, not listening, proceeds to do just that, cornering Brenda on the beach and grilling her, while NaOnka sits nearby and shakes her head over the stupid farm boy. Cue Brenda in a sidebar: “Chase is like a little baby, always going waah-waah-waah.”

Next we have Marty walking up with tree mail about the next Immunity challenge, which is going to be a memory test. Jane in a sidebar: “Anybody needs to win, except for Marty.” Yep. Then Jane runs off to chop wood, plow a field and shoe some horses, all before supper.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Basically, Jeff is going to show them several images in a row. Then the players have to show him these same images back using a multi-sided cube. As soon as you mess up, you’re out. Jane, NaOnka, Dan, Holly, Kelly and Sash all drop in the first round. Fabio (yep, he made it this far, can you believe it?), Chase and Benry drop during the second round, with Marty and Brenda being the final two alive. Brenda wins. (Jane practically explodes with joy.)

Back at camp, the scrambling begins. We start with Fabio and Benry, wondering if their plan to evict Jane will work. Fabio actually says this line: “I hate playing stupid so much.” Uh huh. Anyway, they decide to lay low and see how it goes. Next up is Marty, Dan and Chase, with Marty telling Chase it’s going to be Nay. (Marty tries using a sports analogy that doesn’t really prove anything other than the fact that Marty plays different sports than anybody else.)

Shot of Marty on the beach, looking paranoid as hell, while Jane sits nearby, plotting his death.

Chase and Holly, with Holly wondering what Marty has said to him. Chase fesses that they’re saying NaOnka, but he thinks they plan to blindside Jane. (Smart man.) Holly: “So, who are you voting for?” Chase: “I’m voting for Marty.” Holly carries on this conversation by constantly shoving fruit in her mouth, so she might have some focus issues.

Marty runs up to Brenda, presenting his plan as “Sash’s plan”. That’s what everybody wants. (Brenda in a sidebar: “I agreed to it, but Marty’s not running the camp. Sash and I are running the camp.” )

Brenda and Sash get together, where they agree that Marty would probably be a good choice, but both of them are bothered by the fact that most of the camp wants Marty gone, and they don’t like “Jane demanding things”.

Seriously, they are mad that Marty wasn’t their own decision, even though they agree with it. What the hell? How more self-involved can you get? (Me? More than ready for Marty to go, but right behind that I can’t wait to see Brenda and Sash slam up against the wall of reality. Should be fun.) Sash actually says he’d prefer that Marty stay for a while because he’s a good cook.

What is wrong with these two?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff asks several questions, but it really comes down to one thing: NaOnka completely loses her mind. She snaps at Jeff, tears into Marty (“I don’t like him!”), rips into Fabio, and basically goes on an expletive-filled rant. Jeff: “I’m speechless. Something tells me that if you can go off like this, tribal after tribal, and you’re still here, I’m expecting you to still be sitting here at the final.”

Oh?

Time to vote.

Jeff asks about the Idol, and NaOnka doesn’t move. Something is up.

Jeff draws out the results.

Jane, Marty, Jane, Jane, Jane, Marty, Marty, Marty… and… another Marty. When Marty sees that fifth vote for him, the look of utter shock on his face is priceless. Smirking, Jeff reveals another vote for Marty, and that’s enough, he’s going home. It seems that Brenda and Sash decided that Marty wasn‘t that great a cook after all. (Jane winks at a grinning Alina on the jury.)

I crack a beer, because it’s time to celebrate.

In the previews for next week, everybody is standing around staring at the ground, totally shocked. Benry: “This is a day from hell.”

What?

Roll closing credits.

Searching For Signal: #176 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 6

For whatever reason, we don’t start out with the traditional “march of shame” as the losing tribe wanders back to their camp after having sent someone home. (Which means nothing happened that was the least bit juicy, because these producers will show us anything that’s minimally exciting.) Instead, it’s already the next morning at the Espada camp.

And Mother Nature is in a mood. Winds are blowing, tides are roaring, and people are running about looking dissatisfied and slightly concerned that Dorothy and Toto might drop out of the sky at any moment. Danny hobbles up to Holly, and fesses that he’s thinking of quitting the game. Holly looks at him as if she has no idea who he might be.

Holly in a sidebar: He needs to suck it up and finish the game. (This from the woman who recently spent an entire episode wallering in the sand and crying because she couldn’t deal with using dead leaves as toilet paper and just wanted to go home. Delusional much?)

Roll opening credits.

We’re still at the Espada camp, with Holly and Yve gathering firewood, both of them only holding a few twigs because between the two of them they only weight about 20 pounds. Yve: Why was I left out of the thing to send Tyrone home? Holly: We thought you were in an alliance with Tyrone. Yve: Are you crazy? Holly: Well, maybe you need to be more open and honest. (This from the woman who thought it was okay to sink somebody’s shoes in the lagoon while Gilligan and Mary Ann were building a hut.) And, oh yeah, Danny wants to go home.

Yve just looks at Holly like she can’t trust anything that ever comes out of Crazy-Eyed Woman’s mouth. Good, because Holly lost contact with reality a long time ago.

Cut to the La Flor tribe. Marty and Jill are sitting about, with both of them pretending that the younger members of their new tribe are starting to warm up to them. (They are not.) Jill in a sidebar: “They’d get rid of us in a heartbeat.” Probably so. But what’s more important to me? Both of them have spiky hairdos that scare me. You could lose an arm sleeping next to them.

Brenda in a sidebar, WAY over-confident and on the verge of me not caring for her anymore, speaking of who’s running the show in the La Flor camp: “It’s the younger tribe. Plus Jane.” We have the numbers. We’re going to vote 3 for Marty, 3 for Jill, and flush the Idol out. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the latest “Survivor Women Who Might Be in for a Big Surprise” calendar.

Time for a challenge, and both tribes march into the clearing. Jeff announces that it’s going to be an Immunity Challenge. (Really? It’s way too early in the episode for that. Something’s up.) Then Jeff startles everybody by revealing two Individual Immunity necklaces. Both tribes will be going to Tribal, and both tribes will send someone home. Uh oh. (The La Flor tribe pauses in their arrogance, their faces falling as they realize that their youthfulness and low body fat will not save them this time.)

Jeff explains. Each tribe will compete separately. Each person has to dig in the sand for these ring things, use a wood thing to flip the ring into a toilet (that’s what it looked like to me) strapped to their back, and then run to hang the ring on a post. First person to get three rings on the post wins Immunity.

In the second part of this very-complicated challenge, the winners from each tribe will then compete in a festive ring toss, with the winner gaining a Reward for their tribe. The Reward involves getting to be the first group at Tribal Council, where they send someone home, and then they get to eat a feast while the losing tribe sends their own person home. Survivors ready?

Espada is up first. I know this is really serious for them, but I’m rolling on the floor watching people run around with miniature toilets on their back and trying to flip a ring into the potty. (Jeff makes sure to holler out: “And Dan’s still getting nowhere.“ Jeff doesn‘t care for Danny. Danny doesn‘t care, period.) Stunning everyone, wild-eyed Holly wins.

Next up is La Flor, with more bouncing toilets as people realize it’s not all that easy to flip objects through the air and catch them with your backside. In another surprise, Jill wins. So much for the youngsters dominating this game. The kiddies all wander around in confusion, because they really expected all the old people to be dead by now.

Final part of the competition, with Holly and Jill hurling rings and trying to get them to catch on hooks. Jill wins again, but Holly is right there behind her. The La Flor tribe will be feasting and watching the other gang rip and tear at each other during Tribal.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where everybody is all happy and joyous. (Perhaps the MTV crowd hasn’t realized that they still have to send one of their own home.) There’s whooping and hollering and people doing group high-fives.

Brenda in a sidebar: “That was totally fake.” We are NOT family, and we don’t have all our sisters with us. This is the worst case scenario, with Jill winning Immunity, but “we’ll still vote someone out that we don’t want”.

Really? How are you going to do that? Marty and Jill both have Idols.

Cue Brenda and Sash in a conversation, showing that they don’t just hate the old people in the tribe. Sash: We’ll do 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B. And we’ll tell Kelly B that we’re voting for Jane. (Once again, they’re hating on Kelly B because of that leg of hers. The humanity has been sucked out of these people. Then again, I’m still watching the show, so I guess I’m part of the problem and not part of the solution. My bad.)

Brenda runs to tell Kelly B the lie about everybody voting for Jane. Poor Kelly B. She nods her head in agreement. Then Brenda runs back to wherever it is that she and her conscience can live with themselves.

Brenda in a sidebar: This is all a little complicated. You never know what Fabio will do. Then Brenda pauses to pose for the “Women of Survivor with No Soul” calendar.

Next we have a scene with Marty and Fabio. Marty tells Fab the he’s some huge chess grandmaster, having beat some famous guy twice. (Fabio sucks it all in, because he wouldn’t know a chess player from a coconut.) Marty: If you wanna win this game, you come talk to me. Then Marty strokes his own ego so loudly that birds fly away from nearby trees.

Fabio in a sidebar: The chess player thing “makes sense!” Marty is SO smart. (No, you’re just stupid. How did you manage to get on the plane that brought you to this island?)

Cut to the Espada camp, where everybody is really sad. Which I don’t really get. Yes, they don’t get to eat, and they have to send someone home, but the other tribe has to say audios as well. (They get to eat, which sucks, but that’s the only leg-up they have on you.) Holly is making a big production about “how close” she was to winning the Reward. No one really cares, because Holly still has issues with how to properly wear a bathing suit, and that’s more frightening than anything else in the jungle.

Holly in a sidebar: “I’ll have to vote with the younger tribe members. It’s going to be Dan or Yve.” Then Holly has to turn away from the camera while she takes a call from her home planet.

Next up, Holly and Dan are walking along with buckets, because there’s nothing else to do around here so you might as well wander around with empty containers. Dan has decided that he wants to stay after all. Holly just looks at him. Dude, you have got to make up your mind. Then she gets distracted by the fact that there’s actually sand on the beach. Who knew?

Benry and Chase, trying to decide between Dan and Yve. Benry: I’d rather take Dan with us further in the game. (You would? Why?)

Benry in a sidebar: “Yve has got to go.”

Chase in a sidebar: “I want to keep Yve.” I don’t trust Benry. NaOnka is the only one I trust. (I agree with you on keeping Yve. But NaOnka? What’s up with that? Nay Girl has some serious reality conflicts. Then again, who on Survivor doesn’t?)

Chase and NaOnka: They both want Dan to go. No hesitation.

Yve in a sidebar: “It’s going to be me or Dan.” Then she pauses and has to deal with yet another person running up and asking why her head seems so oddly-shaped.

Yve runs to NaOnka and Alina. Yve: I don’t want to go. Holly said Dan wants to go. If we make it to the merge, I know the old Espada tribe and I can help you out.

Alina in a sidebar, which she doesn’t deserve because she’s worthless: Yve knows the old Espada tribe? That’s the perfect argument to get rid of her. (No, it’s not. Yve can be your ally in all this mess. Seriously, is there a checkbox on the “Survivor” application form that says “I am incapable of rational thought. I will do stupid things because I can’t think ahead. And I have large breasts. Love me.”)

New scene with Danny snoozing away in the camp hut, obviously proving his worthlessness. Holly, Chase and NaOnka are standing about, watching his un-productivity. Out of nowhere, Chase states that he is not sure about sending Danny home. What the hell? The other two girls just stare at Chase. Why can’t people make a decision and just stick to it? God.

La Flor tribe, where Brenda is babbling to Jane: “In our plan, you just gotta vote for Marty.” Jane doesn’t bother with details like “what exactly IS the plan?” or “what’s in it for me?”. She just nods her head and then tries to figure out exactly what has happened to her hair that makes it look like road kill.

Jane in a sidebar: Marty and Jill have been conniving against me since Day One. (Not really. Perhaps the better statement would be “I’m going to jump on any ship that will get me past the next Tribal Council. Because I’m from the sticks, and I cackle at things that aren’t really funny. I need help.”)

Sash and Fabio in a confab, which is really a stretch because Fabio still hasn’t even realized that the game has started. He thinks they keep going to the beach to look for clams, not to actually win competitions. Sash: “We need to flush the Idol. 3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B.” Fabio: “What?”

Fabio in a sidebar: “What?” I want Marty to stay.

Sash in a sidebar: This Fabio thing? Something could go wrong.

Word.

Scene with Sash, Fabio and Marty. Sash and Fabio (well, really just Sash, because Fabio is still confused by things like daylight and wind) are trying to convince Marty that Jane is the target. Marty nods, his porcupine hair slicing the roof of the hut into shreds.

Marty runs to Brenda. “So it’s Jane?” Brenda nods wisely, then pauses to pose for the “Survivor Women Who Will Eventually Trip Over Their Own Lies” calendar.

Brenda in a sidebar: “It all depends on Marty playing the Idol.” (Ya think?)

Sash runs to Brenda: Fabio’s not sure about voting Marty out. (To be fair, Fabio’s not sure a lot of things, like clouds and miniature golf.)

Marty in a sidebar: He feels like Jane’s a lock, so he’s not going to play the Idol.

Time for the La Flor Tribal.

First there’s a bit of general chit-chat, then Jeff goes after Marty, concentrating on him being over-confident and showing everybody the Idol. Marty tries to put a spin on it, saying he did it for “trust”.

Brenda: “He’s trying to make it more noble than it really is.” (Marty turns and glares at Brenda like she just did something offensive with a crucifix.)

Jeff to Jane: “Do you feel safe?”

Brenda again: “She has to worry about Jill and Marty voting her out.” (What? Why’d she go and say that? Is she trying to unnerve Marty and flush the Idol? Not sure.)

This leads to a heated discussion between Brenda and Marty, with Brenda showing that she can be creative with the truth and Marty showing that he really thinks he’s just the greatest thing in the world. At the end of this mess, Marty turns to Jane and whispers “vote Brenda”. Jane whispers back “who the hell is Brenda?”

Time to Vote. Everybody traipses off to do their thing. Then Jeff: Anybody want to play an Idol before I reveal? Everybody turns to look at Marty, including several natives walking by on the beach. Marty just sits there. Okay, then.

3 votes for Marty, 3 votes for Kelly B (this was planned), and 2 votes for Brenda (those would be coming from Marty and Jill). We have a tie.

Jeff: Okay, we’re voting again. Marty and Kelly B can’t vote.

1 vote for Marty, and then it appears that everybody else voted for Kelly B. She’s gone.

What just happened? These fools voted to keep Marty? And he still has the safety of his Idol? Not a smart move here, folks.

Time for the Espada Tribal.

Jeff spends a long time torturing the Espada tribe about the La Flor tribe getting to chow down on food while they have nothing. (Jeff has a bit of an evil streak in him.) Then Jeff gets down to business. To Dan: You okay with going home? Dan: No. I want to stay more than anything in the world.

Yve: He’s saying that now. Back at camp, he won’t shut up about wanting to go home. (Which is true.)

Jeff to Dan: Aren’t you a liability in challenges?

Dan: Nope.

Yve: Yes, he is.

Jeff to Dan: Why not send Yve home?

Dan: We should. She’s arrogant.

She’s arrogant? Oh no. Sparks fly between Yve and Danny. She is intelligent and ably defends herself, he’s just an idiot with an unjustified ego. He comes off looking really bad, but Alina and Benry (I don’t trust either of them) actually come to Danny’s defense. Something’s in the air, and I don’t like the smell of it.

Time to vote, and that “something” becomes clear: Yve is voted out.

Jeff: Based on the vote, the tribe appears unified. Based on what I heard? Not so much.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #175 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 5

We start out at the Espada camp, with people standing around after they have evicted (well, some of them) Jimmy T. Interestingly enough, Holly is babbling about Jimmy T being a really good guy, with Yve and Jill chiming in that, yep, he sure was. (Did Yve and Jill fall and hit their heads on the way back from Tribal? They voted to send Jimmy home.) Then the three of them just stand there with nothing else to say, because they’ve now talked about the only thing they have in common.

Holly in a sidebar, the insanity in her eyes made even more prominent by the night-vision cameras: “I know I’m on the outs. And something has to change.” Agreed. Let’s start with you coming back to this planet and taking a class on how to be not so annoying.

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, the next morning. Marty, another player with reality issues, has a sidebar: “Tribal was a slam-dunk. I’m in control of this tribe now.” Then he gets quiet as the voices in his head fight for his attention.

Marty runs to Dan: We are so golden right now. “I can’t imagine anything can go wrong. Holly’s next.” Dan just stands there and nods his head, because doing anything else would require him to take a nap. Marty: “Something really whacked would have to happen to disturb our plans.”

Lighting a votive for whacked things to happen within the next hour.

Cut to the La Flor camp. There’s still tons of people left over here, but you wouldn’t know it with the way they are featuring NaOnka. In a sidebar: “I love my tribe!” You do? “These are the best people ever!” They are? “I’m just so happy to be here!”

Clearly, someone has kidnapped the real NaOnka and thrown her ass into a crocodile pit. Where she probably proceeded to kill all of them just by looking at them.

Time for a challenge. It’s not immediately clear what type of challenge it is. But at least the La Flor tribe doesn’t do one of their stupid Oompa Loompa dances as they traipse into the clearing. They do, however, seem to be surprised that Espada sent Jimmy T home. Then again, when you’re only 12 years old, everything is new and surprising.

Jeff: “Drop your buffs!”

Oh?

Jeff: “We’re going to draw for new captains.” So they do the “take a stone from a bag but don’t look at it yet” thing, with Brenda and Holly becoming the new captains and getting to decide who ends up on what tribe. (The shot of Marty realizing that Holly has power made the whole episode worth it. He looks like he’s ready to rip his own eyes out and impale himself on a camera tripod.)

This gets complicated. Jane, Jill and Marty end up going to the La Flor tribe. Benry, NaOnka, Chase and Alina go to the Espada tribe. Everybody else stays where they were. Both of the newly designed tribes pretend like they are all best friends, but you can see by the look in their eyes that nobody is very happy about having to lie to new set of people. They glare at Jeff as if he invented syphilis. (And maybe he did. I wasn’t there, can’t really say.)

Jeff: “The old versus young thing is done. The Medallion of Power is done.” (On that second bit, we see open sobbing and rending of hair.) “It’s a brand new game.”

Finally, we get to the challenge, which is for Reward, with the winners getting two chickens and a rooster. (By the joyous screams from both tribes, you’d think they were playing for the chance to sleep with Brad Pitt.) In this game, there’s a giant primitive pinball machine, with one tribe rolling balls up a chute, the ball trickles down past bumpers that can divert the ball at any point, and two members from the other tribe try to catch the ball. If you drop a ball, the other tribe gets a point. 3 points wins.

Off we go, with things being fairly close for a while. But in the end, the newly-formed Espada tribe wins, mainly because dumb-ass Marty on the La Flor tribe keeps dropping his ball. No one on La Flor really complains about his ineptitude, which means that, even though he’s only been on the new tribe for roughly two minutes, he’s already mesmerized the new tribe with his Bart Simpson hair.

Cut to the Espada camp. First we have Tyrone in a sidebar. (“I’d rather have stayed with the older tribe. But now we have pretty girls running around.” Really? That’s a good thing to focus on, Ty. Way to represent.) Then Tyrone takes an aggressive leadership roll, explaining to the new kiddies how they do things in the Espada camp. Of course this doesn’t go over well with the youngsters.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “Don’t think you a G.” Huh? “G means gangsta.” Oh. My bad. Didn’t know. But really, gangsta? How is telling you that you can’t lay around on your ass all day “gangsta”?

Then we have Holly in a sidebar: “I’m reborn!” Yep. You lucked out, sister.

This is followed by NaOnka (the queen of negativity and bitter harping about everybody) telling Holly: “I love your energy!”

Nay, girl, Holly has that energy because she is completely insane. Run like you ain’t never run before.

Holly in a sidebar: “If the kids come to me with an idea, I’m with them.” Then Holly gets distracted by the wind blowing, and she turns to a coconut and blames it for everything that has ever happened in her life. The coconut wisely chooses to remain silent, and then rolls down the beach for his own sidebar. “Holly scares me,” the coconut says, a milk tear running down his shell while Jeff Probst signals for Medical to rush in and take care of things.

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going wherever the numbers go. Alina and I have to make do with what we have.” Oh? You like Alina now? You hated her two seconds ago.

Back to the La Flor tribe. Jud/Fabio in a sidebar: He’s all psyched that there are only 3 Espada members in the tribe, and 5 original La Flor folks. Then he gets very quiet, not sure if this is a good thing, because that math business is really hard.

Jane in a sidebar: “I like these kids.” Then she runs to tell Brenda and… not sure, somebody else was standing there… “don’t trust Marty and Jill.” Brenda just looks at her, because Jane is old, and Brenda is assuming that the mind goes after 30. Which it does, but we don’t need to confirm that, so Brenda can experience the terror on her own in a few years.

Scene with Marty and Jud, where Marty is fishing to see if anybody on the old La Flor tribe found the Immunity Idol. Jud doesn’t really know what this is, but he does fess that NaOnka found something, after knocking Kelly B down and smashing some bananas. Marty takes this intel and runs.

He gathers the tribe, and then compares NaOnka to a cancer that should have been cut out. You can tell that the younger tribe members are trying to listen, but they really don‘t care. Then Marty fesses up that he has his own Immunity Idol. This gets their attention.

Brenda in a sidebar: “Marty is SO arrogant. Showing us the Idol. Are you stupid? That’s the dumbest thing ever!”

Well, no, it’s not the dumbest thing ever, perhaps you haven’t really watched this show before. But as long as you’re hating on Marty, go all out.

Back to the Espada camp, where it’s raining. And it continues to do so for quite a long time, making everybody snappy and uncouth. (Look, you whiners, at least you get to lay down. Those poor camera people have to stand there, completely soaked, waiting for you to do anything of interest whatsoever, so the producers can take a tiny moment of nothing and use it in a promo ad to look like something really important happened, but didn’t really.)

NaOnka in a sidebar: “I don’t like rain. I don’t like cold. I’m not doing well. I could lose it.” (Honey, you done lost it a long time ago. Don’t waste your time even looking for it, because it’s not coming back.)

Nay fesses to Alina that she’s ready to quit the game.

Alina in a sidebar: “Nay is on her period ALL the time. But that’s better for me in the long run. Hayyy.”

Alina, totally faking her support for Nay: “You have the rest of your life to be warm.” Chase wanders up and tries to be supportive as well, telling a touching story about a rainbow and his dad. (You had to be there.) Nay doesn’t care. She just wants to whine and moan.

And it keeps raining. All day. All night. We see NaOnka wake up in the middle of the night and slam a pillow into her head, crying. This action doesn’t kill her, so there’s going to be more whining. Hurray.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

Jeff to Marty: “How are things in your new camp?” Marty calls it the “Taj Mahal of camps”, immediately pissing off everybody left in his old tribe. Jane chimes in as well, extolling the virtues of the glorious La Flor camp and doing a frightening happy dance that terrifies anyone watching.

Jeff: Whatever.

Anyway, this challenge has three members from each tribe strapped to a rotating wheel. Other members rotate this wheel, causing the strapped people to be plunged into a tank of water, where they have to get a mouthful of such, then wait until they spin to the top of the wheel and spit the water into a tube. When the tube fills up, a ball is released, which allows other tribe members to throw the ball at tiles. First team to break five tiles wins. Got it?

Off we go. It’s actually very tight. First off, let’s just say that Jane can throw a mean ball. Perhaps she really hates ceramic tiles. But in the end, La Flor triumphs. Somebody from Espada is going home.

Nay in a sidebar: “Espada’s cursed! But I’m not nervous about Tribal, I want to go.” Then go tell people that, and make it easier for everybody, okay?

Meanwhile, most of the Espada tribe is hankering to kill one of the chickens for a nice feast. Tyrone is not happy about this. He wants to keep the chickens for their daily egg output. He has a point, but he’s also Tyrone. Diplomacy is not one of his special skills.

Holly in a sidebar (I’m amazed that she even knows what a camera is): “We need to start standing up to Tyrone!” Then Holly is startled by a passing seagull, and she runs screaming into the jungle in search of expensive shoes that she can sink in the ocean.

Anyway, the Espada tribe votes about dinner, and the chicken loses. People dash about preparing the meal.

Benry in a sidebar: “Tyrone won’t help with cooking the bird, but he’s right there when it’s time to eat.” And we see this, with Tyrone basically eating half of the bird while the rest of the tribe takes tiny portions. Cue several people in sidebars none too happy about Tyrone eating enough for 20 starved orphans.

Benry in another sidebar: He doesn’t care for Tyrone at all. Then again, NaOnka has completely lost her mind, crying all the time and just laying about, waiting for people to throw dirt in her face and say a prayer.

But seriously, what kind of a name is “Benry”? It’s hard for me to take notes when somebody has a name like that.

Alina to Yve, sharing what the youngsters are thinking with the senior citizens: “NaOnka is DONE.” Yve, with her oddly-shaped face, doesn’t appear to fully understand what is being expressed. Perhaps her parents shouldn’t have given her a name that’s just not right. Were her parents friends with Benry’s parents? Did they go to the same summer camp and take the same drugs?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me what’s going on.

Alina: There’s been a little bit of turf war. We have to go with their rules. Then she demurely glances at Tyrone as if he had “666” etched into his scalp.

Benry: Tyrone’s the guy. We have to do what he says. Then he glances at Tyrone as if… well, you get the picture.

Tyrone: I definitely feel qualified to lead this tribe, but I don’t make unilateral decisions.

Alina rolls her eyes, perhaps in disagreement, but possibly because “unilateral” just has too many syllables.

Jeff to Alina: Tell me about these turf wars.

Alina: Well, there was Tyrone’s speech when we got to camp. (Oh, you mean the one where he said you have to carry your own weight and not sit around playing XBOX all day? That speech?)

Tyrone: Maybe there’s a generation gap. (Uh oh, Ty, shouldn’t have gone there.)

Jeff to NaOnka: “What has been the darkest storm for you?” (Where the hell did he come up with that line?)

Nay: Fesses that her divorce a few years ago was the worst, ever. But this current mess has been pretty bad. I wanted to quit. I was at a breaking point yesterday. But these people have been SO supportive and I’m all better now.

Really?

Jeff to Benry: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Benry: Uh, I don’t know what you mean. (Loser.)

Jeff to Yve: Shouldn’t you send her home for that?

Yve: Uhh…

Jeff: Seriously. Spit it out.

Yve: Yes, it makes me wonder about her longevity.

Jeff smirks, having accomplished his agenda. Just not sure what that agenda might be.

Time to Vote.

Tyrone and Yve vote for NaOnka.

Everyone else votes for Tyrone. Meaning Holly (no surprise) and Danny (big surprise) flipped. Tyrone is gone.

Jeff to the remaining tribe: “Your first blind side. Congrats.”

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #174 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 4

We start off with the older Espada tribe marching back to their camp after having evicted Jimmy Johnson. Appropriately, it’s pouring down rain because these people done messed up. (Of course, Jimmy T refuses to believe they’ve done anything wrong: “JJ’s leadership was nothing.”) Then Jimmy T, because he really doesn’t live with the rest of us on this planet, starts singing an annoyingly stupid song, really loud, while the rest of the tribe just glares at him in total hatred.

Marty in a sidebar: “He just has to hear his own voice, 24-7.” (Kettle black, Marty?) “Give him a little rope and he’ll hang himself.”

Roll opening credits.

Still at the Espada camp, next morning, where Jane and Holly, looking extremely haggard and unfeminine, are wandering around and realizing that the tide is strangely high. It seems there’s been a bit of a weather disturbance. We see shots of the limited beach all cluttered with debris. (Jill in a sidebar, fussing about the lack of food and the fact that they can’t fish. Hmm. I always thought the best fishing was right after a rain. Maybe I missed a memo.)

Jimmy T, because he so desperately wants to be the leader of the tribe, tries convincing the rest of the tribe that they should fish like birds. “See that bird over there. How it floats on the water and waits for a fish to come to the surface? We should do that!” Trouble is, Man With Really Ugly Hair, you people are NOT birds. So you can’t fish like them. Understand?

He doesn’t. Jimmy T grabs a net and tries throwing it into the water, like the imbecilic fish are going to leap into the net and wait to be eaten. This doesn’t happen. In fact, Jimmy T can’t even get the net to fan out when he throws it. He fails miserably. The rest of the tribe wanders away to see if there are some rocks they can chew on.

Cut to the La Flor tribe, where Brenda is busily working on the Hidden Immunity Idol clue that NaOnka shared with her. Suddenly, Brenda makes the right connection and figures out where the Idol must be. She runs to snatch up NaOnka (Why would you do that, Brenda? Find the damn Idol yourself and then lie. That’s how you play this game.) and drags Nay to the spot where Brenda thinks the Idol is buried. Of course they find it, doing a happy dance. And of course NaOnka thinks she did all the work. “It’s mine! I figured it out!”

You sure as hell didn’t. Hate you.

Alina and Kelly B are chatting, and seeming to be getting along quite swimmingly. (Alina in a sidebar: “The way NaOnkoa treats Kelly B makes me furious.” That’s two of us, sister.) The two of them race off to find the Idol. (Remember, there are about 46 Idol clues floating around this place.)

Well, NaOnka, because she’s a total bitch, (just making sure we’re all on the same page about that), can’t stand the fact that other people are looking for the Idol. (Even though Nay has the freaking Idol because Brenda is wimpy. There’s NOT another Idol to find.) So NaOnka stomps up to Alina and Kelly B, and then launches into a hate-fest against Kelly B. Nay is horrible. There is something truly wrong with that woman.

Back over to the Espada camp, at night. Everybody’s huddled in the tent, generally fussing, but trying to be upbeat. Out of the blue, Marty nominates Tyrone to be the new tribe leader. (What the hell? MARTY wants to be tribe leader.) Then the mystification continues, with Jimmy T saying: “I don’t wanna be leader, so I accept that.”

Am I watching the right show? Both Marty and Jimmy T would give their left nut to be tribe leader.

Jimmy T in a sidebar, confirming his delusions: “Marty’s not a JT fan.” (Is anybody?) Then he calls Marty a “preppy little bitch”. Well, can’t entirely disagree with that, but because I’m not fond of either one of them, I can’t give anybody props. But most importantly? Please quit showing me Jimmy T with the night-vision cameras, because he really looks like a serial killer and we already have enough of those to worry about.

Next morning, the Espada tribe gets tree-mail. The wording is typically cryptic, but there’s also some blindfolds in the mailbox. Got it. People are going to be blindfolded, and somebody has to lead them. (Wait, did I just sum up every single season of “Survivor”? Hmm.) The tribe decides to practice, which is actually a good idea, because I can guarantee you the pre-school tribe will not come to this same decision, instead opting to lay on the beach and wait for Annie Leibovitz to come take their picture.

So Tyrone makes himself the caller, which he should as the newly appointed leader, and tries giving directions to his blind-folded mates. Trouble is, Jimmy T can’t keep his mouth shut, ripping off his blindfold and trying to tell Tyrone what to do. Jimmy T is a piece of work. And I don’t mean that in a good way.

Marty in a sidebar: “I nominated Tyrone on purpose to rile up JT. JT is delusional and paranoid.” Interesting, and slightly fun. But hey, Marty, did it ever occur to you that you guys actually need to win some competitions? You know about competitions, right? The things you need to win in order to avoid going to Tribal Council? Yes, those things. Quit playing little prima donna games about who has the bigger coconuts.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The tribes march into the playing area, with the La Flor tribe totally stunned that Jimmy Johnson is gone. (Yeah, me too.) Jeff explains that a caller will direct pairs of blind-folded people to collect 10 items, and then direct a final pair to find a set of keys, open a chest, and drag it back to home base. Oh, and there’s a reward as well, with the winners getting to pick 3 groups of items provided and sponsored by Sears.

The camera lingers on the Sears logo, in case we didn’t catch Jeff’s words. We don’t really get a good shot of the actual item groups, because that would take time away from promoting Sears. Did you know that Sears was sponsoring this competition? Hey look, there’s a piece of driftwood with the Sears logo burned into it. Sears is sponsoring this competition. Sears. With an “S”.

Is the La Flor tribe going to use the nifty Medallion of Power to gain an advantage in today’s events? Hell, yeah.

And off we go.

Within seconds, it’s very clear that the practicing by the Espada tribe is making absolutely no difference. The older folk are slamming into trees, tripping over pockets of air, and generally not listening to Tyrone calling out directions. (Especially Jimmy T, who actually appears to be purposely doing the exact opposite of what Tyrone yells out.) And the way they keep holding their hands up, like that’s going to help? They look like they’re volunteering to be thrown into a volcano, but I doubt that any of them are virgins. Except maybe Holly.

On the flip side, the younger La Flor tribe members seem to be magically floating directly toward the needed items, and then transporting the goods back to home base within seconds. It’s not even a contest. La Flor wins Immunity. They happily pick up their winnings and prance back to camp, because none of them are really taking any of this seriously. They’re just waiting for the old people to fail, and then they can get serious.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are a little blue. Danny is trying to be supportive and raise their spirits, which he should, because he’s basically useless. (And stupid, since he paid $1,600 dollars for some ugly shoes and then BROUGHT THEM to the island so Holly could sink them in the ocean during one of her many breaks from reality.)

Jimmy T is not so supportive. “I’m gonna keep fighting for attention so you’ll finally use me for what I can do.” Tyrone: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Tyrone in a sidebar: “I’m sick of JT’s negativity.” Then he checks his pocket to make sure that he doesn’t have two Idols, because he doesn’t want to go home like James did in his shame moment.

Zip to the La Flor tribe, where everybody is celebrating their win and inspecting the trove of won treasures. Chase spies a clue in the fishing tackle box and pinches it. He runs to tell Brenda, and hopes she can help him find the Hidden Immunity Idol.

Brenda in a sidebar: “I feel so bad” that Chase wants me to help him use his limited mental resources to find an Idol that can’t be found because NaOnka the Heartless has already scooped it up, killing a homeless person in the process and spitting on a gospel choir.

Brenda, after hemming and hawing for a bit, finally fesses to Chase that NayBitch already has the Idol. “But you can’t tell NaOnka that you know. SHE has the Idol, and that could affect us.” Chase stares off into the distance at some palm trees, because Brenda just said too many words for him to compute.

Espada camp again, where people are clamoring around in the ocean tide and looking for sea urchins. (Jill in a sidebar: Yep, we’ve been reduced to looking for salty packets of snot to get a little protein.) Jimmy T goes off on Marty for eating some of the urchins and not placing them in the “community basket”, which is really just a bit of net that Jimmy T is lugging around as he hollers at everybody else to do the work.

Marty in a sidebar: He’s fed up with Jimmy T, “calling me out” like that. “That’s the equivalent of putting a gun to your head and blowing your brains out.” What the hell? It was unnecessary, but it’s not equal to THAT. What kind of TV shows do you watch when you’re not on this island? Geez.

Cut to Jane and Holly doing something pointless on the beach. Jane: “I’m gonna write Danny’s name down. I think Coach was sending a message when he wrote down Danny.” Hold up, Jane. You voted to send Coach Jimmy J’s ass home. Now you’re going to get all mystical about signs that he might be sending you?

Marty and Jill on another stretch of beach, with her flame-red hair helping nearby ships find port. Marty: “Keep Danny, he’s the swing vote. Vote JT out.” Then Marty runs off to have his chest waxed by bored monkeys.

Jill and Tyrone, somewhere that Marty isn’t. Jill: “Vote JT.” Tyrone: “But Danny can’t do things.” Jill: I really don’t care. Marty has the Idol, the one that I really found, and now I’m his bitch. Just do it.

Jill runs back to Marty, who is freshly waxed but still not understanding that his hair looks like something that you would call the Pest Control hotline about. Jill: “Tyrone wants Dan.” Marty: I let a monkey touch my love nipples and people are STILL not doing my bidding?

Marty runs to Tyrone: “Which way are you leaning?” (Is the wind really strong out here?) Tyrone: “Dan can’t run in the mud.” (Which pretty much sums it up, don’t you think?) Marty: “I’d rather it be JT.” Marty pushes really hard. Then a pterodactyl flies overhead and lays an egg in Marty’s hair.

Jimmy T, Yve and clueless Holly are standing around somewhere, waiting for their 401K’s to mature. Jimmy T: “I just want a chance in a challenge.” Yve: Okay, what would you have done differently in the competition today. Jimmy T: Uhhh…

Jimmy T just does not get it.

Yve in a sidebar: Kill me now. Can’t stand him.

Jimmy T in a sidebar: “I keep opening my mouth,” and maybe that’s not a good thing.

Ya think?

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Tyrone: “What happened with the competition today?”

Tyrone (and Marty, because he can’t keep his mouth shut): “It woulda worked if it hadn’t been for the Medallion.”

Jeff is not buying that: You were way the hell behind.

Then Jeff goes after Danny: “You sat out again.” Danny: “I was helping the tribe by sitting out.” Jeff: Point proven.

Jill: “I’m tired of losing.”

Jeff smirks, then turns to Jimmy T: “Is is frustrating to not have leadership?” Jeff is totally poking at things to start a fight. Jimmy T: “Nobody will let me prove myself.” Jeff to Marty: What’s up with that. Willing to give Jimmy T a chance? Marty: “We don’t wanna give him a chance. We have zero tolerance for paranoia.”

Gotta repeat it. Kettle black, Marty?

Then Holly, because SHE’S so grounded, defends Jimmy T. “All he’s asking for is a chance.” (Jane seems to agree, nodding her head.) Tyrone: “He would have more value as a follower.” (And you know Jimmy T popped a blood vessel or two on hearing that.)

Jeff to Jimmy T: Can you handle that, being a follower?

Jimmy T refuses to answer, getting all teary-eyed and “needing a moment”. Oh, please. That is one massive ego right there. Tyrone to Jimmy T: Man up. Be a follower. Jimmy T refuses to accept this fate.

Time to vote.

Jimmy T, Holly and Jane vote for Dan.

Everybody else votes for Jimmy T.

(Jane cusses and is quickly bleeped.)

Jimmy T marches out of the camp without saying a word. Interesting. The only way to make this man shut up is to send him home. Duly noted.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #173 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 3

We start out at the La Flor camp, with the pre-schoolers returning from Tribal. They’re all confused and stunned about what happened, muttering things like “That blew my mind!” and “That was crazy!” Well, yeah, you got to watch Shannon completely melt down on national television, to the point where most of you couldn’t even pretend to be his friend anymore and you sent his ass home. (Good for you. Well, except for the few folks that didn’t vote to get rid of Shannon Palin.)

Speaking of, NaOnka has some special words for those few in a sidebar: “Everybody acting all cool with it, but they not. Alina, Kelly B and Jud, this is gonna bite you in the ass.” I already can’t stand NaOnka, she’s just got too much attitude for no reason, but in this particular case she’s right. You’re going to stick with a racist bigot and do his bidding? Then you need to go. Sadly, some of these youngsters will get distracted easily and forget, like when the kindergarten teacher comes in and hands out juice boxes.

Roll opening credits.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are all traipsing through the jungle. They can hear howler monkeys whooping it up somewhere, so they’ve decided to find the monkeys, since the monkeys should be near food in the trees. They finally find the irritating howlers, and Jimmy Johnson proceeds to make animal noises that the monkeys understand. The monkeys shut up and gaze at Jimmy as if Lazarus just stepped out of a cave and said “I was only kidding. I was just taking a nap.”

Cue Marty in a sidebar, where he proceeds to rip at Jimmy J. Marty can’t stand Jimmy J, because people are paying attention to him and not Marty. And Jimmy J has special talents like the ability to carry on conversations with other species. (After all, he worked for Jerry Jones for how many years?) Marty hates Jimmy. HATES him.

Then we have scenes with Jimmy J teaching most of the tribe how to fish. His advice proves quite useful, and suddenly everybody is successful. Fish are practically jumping out of the ocean and into the arms of the fishers. This pisses off Marty even more, with another sidebar where he tears at Jimmy J again. (Dude, he’s helping your people get food. And it’s working. What happened in your childhood that made you so bitter?)

Side note: You really need to pause your DVR when Holly is talking to Jimmy J. Study her one-piece swimsuit. Is that thing on backwards? Why does the crotch look that way? That’s not right. Seriously, really not right. Holly scares me.

A few scenes with Jill and Marty. He’s fussing about Jimmy J (big surprise). She tells him to chill, that people like Jimmy and hatin’ on him could be a problem. But then she blurts that he should show the Idol he has to everybody.

What? Showing the Idol can cost you.

Cut to the La Flor camp, where we are treated to scenes of Jud/Fabio starting a fire, but then forgetting to move his head back when the fire catches and he nearly asphyxiates himself with smoke inhalation. Then we see him in a sidebar: “I wanna be kept around for my mentality.” Kind of a big leap, don’t you think? (NaOnka in her own sidebar: His hair got on my nerves on Day 1.)

Back to Espada, with everyone sitting around eating, and Marty states “I have an announcement”. (An announcement? Is this a board meeting? No, it’s not.) He shows the Idol, they all clap. Marty: “We’ll play it when we need it.”

Jimmy T in a sidebar, with his ugly-ass hair: I love Marty!

Tyrone in a sidebar, um, without any hair: Maybe he got team points by sharing about the Idol, but Marty is shady.

Word.

Marty in a sidebar: In the end “the Idol belongs to me”. Have you told Jill that? Because she’s the one that really found it. She has red hair. This means she will cut you if you do her wrong.

Then we have Dan in a sidebar. He’s really hungry and tired. Then we have scenes of him being really hungry and tired, limping about and feeling sorry for himself. (Yve in a sidebar about Dan’s gumption: “He doesn’t have it.”) More shots of Dan being unable to lift a twig or stand up while peeing. But hey, if somebody’s cooking something, he’s the first in line at the simmering pot.

Over to the La Flor tribe, where several of the kiddies have gathered on a beach. They’re discussing the fate of Alina and Kelly B. They have to go. (Hello? What about Jud? He voted the same way.) Alina in a sidebar: “I’m not in the best position.” NaOnka in a sidebar: “We gotta get Alina out.” Jud in a sidebar…. Oh wait, he still doesn’t really understand what that is. Stay tuned.

Time for the Immunity/Reward Challenge.

In this one, the teams have to race out and collect 10 barrels, roll them back to a staging area where they have to arrange them on platforms, then they have to throw sandbags so that one lands on each barrel. (The Reward part of it is the “Survivor Garden”, a mess of spices, fruits, vegetables, and such.) The La Flor tribe opts to not use their Medallion of Advantage. Benry: “We don’t need it.” Really? After you guys made fun of the older tribe for not using it that one time? Uh huh. Hope you lose just because of your arrogance. And the fact that I can’t stand any of you.

Off we go. The younger tribe initially surges, but the older tribe catches up and it’s very tight, with everyone trying to do their best. (Except for Dan. Jeff actually yells at one point: “Dan, you need to do something.”) During the last bit, with the sandbag tossing, the older tribe initially takes the lead, with Tyrone hitting target after target. Then he falters, and Jimmy T starts yelling for Tyrone to step back and let him have a shot. Tyrone ignores him (this will prove a critical point later) until Jimmy J convinces Tyrone to let Jimmy T try.

But it’s too late. The younger La Flor tribe, with Benry doing the throwing, hits all of the marks first. They win.

While the Espada tribe marches back home empty-handed, the La Flor tribe runs to fetch their reward. Kelly B purposely lunges for the basket of fruit, convinced that there might be a clue to an Idol. As she hoists it in her arms, we see that she’s right. There’s a little scroll tucked into the winnings. Trouble is, NaOnka sees this as well, and immediately decides that she and Kelly B are going to be best friends and carry the basket together. (NaOnka in a sidebar: “I’m going for the paper!”)

The La Flor tribe marches back to camp, and as soon as they reach the clearing, NaOnka turns all linebacker and knocks Kelly out of the way so she can grab the tiny scroll. (In the process, bananas get smashed, a harbinger of doom.) NaOnka dashes off to the beach and into a sidebar: “You could say I got all hood on Kelly B. But I did not get ghetto.”

There’s a difference? I guess I need to pay more attention.

Later, NaOnka drags Brenda on a walk, and shows her the Idol clue. They try to figure it out, but they can’t quite get it. Then “The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City” comes on the Coconut TV and they get all distracted.

Cut to the Espada camp, where things are a bit tense with the fact that Tyrone initially did not let anyone else try tossing the sandbags. Jimmy T to the group: “My talent is being wasted!” (Say, Jimmy T, can you actually define talent?) It does appear that most of the tribe is at least slightly miffed with Tyrone not letting someone else try until it was too late.

Jimmy T in a sidebar: “I’m a born leader. I should be leading this tribe.” (Oh, puh-leeze.)

Tyrone in a sidebar: “Everybody can’t touch the ball.” (This distracts me a little bit, with my mind going places that don’t really apply.)

Marty in a sidebar: “I’m looking forward to Tribal. It will force the tribe to start playing this game.” (Dude, you want to go to Tribal? Do you not watch the show? I mean, I’m assuming that they get the broadcast signal on your planet.)

Cut to Marty and Jimmy J splashing around in the surf, strategizing. As usual. Jimmy J is telling it like it is. As usual, Marty is seething with jealousy that Jimmy J is able to both handle and speak the truth. (Marty in a sidebar: “I need to remove JJ so people will lose their daddy.”) Seriously, are we in elementary school here?

Scene with Marty and Jill talking. Marty: “Coach has to go.” Jill: To me, Holly, Dan and JJ are all the same. Whichever one needs to go. Just tell me what to do. (But in a sidebar, Jill fesses that she’s only trying to appease Marty because of the Idol thing, and that she thinks Marty is way too focused on the wrong person. Then she finds a seashell shaped like Rosie O’Donnell and we’ve lost her.)

Marty runs to tell Dan to vote for Jimmy J. Of course Dan agrees. (Dan in a sidebar: “I’m in much better shape than JJ.” You’re kidding, right? Because we’ve seen you lying on your sorry butt in the hut while JJ is out harpooning whales.)

Marty runs to tell Jimmy T to vote for Jimmy J. No problem. Jimmy T is firmly convinced that he has been anointed by God to save the world, despite his unfamiliarity with washing his own hair or having any social skills.

Scene with Jane and Holly, where they basically agree to look out for one another, and they don’t think that Jimmy J should go home. (Jane in a sidebar: “JJ’s my fishing buddy!”) This is followed by a scene with Jimmy J, Yve and Holly as they fish. Jimmy J fesses they “might not see me for a while”, because he knows what’s going on with Marty. Both of the women act like Jimmy J is going nowhere. Especially Yve, who tells Jimmy J that she is her favorite person in the tribe.

Marty runs to Tyrone. Marty: “Write Coach’s name down.” Tyrone: “I don’t know about that.” (Tyrone in a sidebar: “Marty’s paranoid. I think Marty’s all about Marty. I’m more worried about Danny.”)

Marty in a sidebar: “These people are not thinking the game through. Do NOT mess around with me.”

Really can’t stand Marty. Not as much as I hated Oompa Loompa Russell during his two seasons, but still. Don’t care for him.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: “Today’s challenge. What happened?”

Jimmy T immediately seizes this opportunity to let everyone know that if Tyrone hadn’t been such a stubborn pig, Jimmy T could have saved the day. It’s all Jimmy J’s fault for not sending him in sooner. Really? Jeff’s not buying that, so he digs deeper. Jeff to Jimmy T: “How are you getting along with Jimmy J?” Jimmy T: “Maybe I’m a threat to his leadership role.”

Tyrone rolls his eyes. “I’m baffled by that statement.”

Jimmy J about Jimmy T: “I thought we had a good relationship.”

Jeff to Dan: “Are you a strong player?” Dan: I’m pretty good. Jill: I’m not so sure about that. Jane: Ditto.

Jeff to Jimmy T: “Who are the weakest players?” Jimmy T: “I won’t say, but there’s three or four.”

Jeff: Fine. Let’s do a roll call. He asks each of the tribe members if they think they are weak. The only one who admits to that is Jimmy Johnson. Again, he’s being honest, while in reality, half the tribe is lying, especially Dan and Jimmy T.

Marty: “These people need to wake up.” There’s a whole lot going on that they don’t realize.

Jeff: You really want to say that right now? At Tribal?

Time to vote.

Two things. One is that Jeff is clearly trying to steer the heat away from Jimmy Johnson. I normally don’t like it when Jeff tries to insert his own opinions or influence the vote, but in this case I’m fine with it. Second, based on everything that the producers have shown us in this episode, and the way key players are acting at Tribal, Jimmy Johnson shouldn’t be in any trouble.

Yet when the vote comes back, it’s unanimous against Jimmy J.

He’s very gracious in his exit.

But clearly, something monumental happened at the Espada camp that would make everyone vote for JJ. Every single one of them, despite appearances that only Marty, JT, and Dan had an issue with JJ. Obviously, this was a totally manipulated episode. But I shouldn’t be surprised, right?

Jeff: “You just voted out a proven leader.”

Marty smirks.

Searching For Signal: #172 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 2

We start off with a review of the developments on the last episode, where the mostly-clueless Survivors where divided into tribes of the Old (Espada) and the Young (La Flora). We see reaction shots of the players being all surprised by this move, but none of US are surprised because the promo ads all summer have been bellowing about this. Oh, and we see enough scenes with the Younger Tribe that I’m basically convinced that I can’t stand anybody on that team. Sue me.

Cut to the Espada camp, late at night after Tribal, with all of them marching back home after sending crazy Wendy back to Montana or wherever it is that she does things with goats. The focus is on Holly, who is “feeling on the outs” with the rest of the tribe, and “needs to re-think” her strategy. (Let’s start with re-thinking your hairdo, honey.) We see enough of Holly to realize that maybe Wendy wasn’t the only insane person running about in the jungle.

Roll opening credits. As the cast members are splashed across the screen, we see that they’ve already changed Jud’s name to “Fabio”. That’s special. Wonder how long it will take them to change Shannon’s name to “Chauvinist Pig”?

Next morning in the Espada camp, everyone’s whining about not getting enough sleep, so Jimmy J gathers everybody around and starts organizing activities to rebuild their crappy shelter so they can all slumber more peacefully. This is a wise thing to do. But Jimmy T is all up in arms that people are paying attention to Jimmy J. First, Jimmy T has already shown that he’s on the Wendy end of the Crazy Stick, and second, I can’t take anybody seriously that looks like Jimmy T. He’s one butt-ugly Missing Link.

Cut over to the La Flora camp, where Sash and NaOnka are chattering away on the beach. Sash wants to bring only Minorities to the end. (In a sidebar, Sash says that minorities “have a bond that no one else can share.” Really?) During this, NaOnka is flipping her hair around and trying to act all street. I’m not sure what street she has in mind, but I don’t want to visit.

Back to the Espada camp, where Holly completely freaks over the fact that Jill is eating snails. Holly actually snatches the container of snails that people have worked hard to collect, runs off, and dumps out the snails. What the hell? That’s FOOD, you lunatic freak. Jill runs to tell the others, and then we have several shots of other tribe members expressing dismay over Holly’s grasp on reality.

Holly comes back from the Snail Liberation Festival, and overhears Dan talking smack about her sanity. (Everybody was, but Holly apparently has selective hearing.) So she sneaks into camp, steals Dan’s shoes out of his bag, fills them with sand, and sinks them in the ocean. Not making this up. Girl has issues.

Dan soon discovers that his footwear is missing, and is none too pleased. (Let’s put aside the fact that he was an idiot to bring these shoes on Survivor, since they are special alligator-hide shoes that cost $1,600. Somebody who brings something like that to a jungle deserves to face some disappointments in life.)

Another sidebar with Holly, where she admits that she’s “struggling emotionally”. (Ya think?) So she calls a tribe meeting, and fesses to Dan about what she did. She just wants to be honest, and now she’s ready to focus 100% on the game. Loser Jimmy T, because he’s from another planet with too much methane in the atmosphere, says “I accept that.”

Dude, Holly filled Dan’s shoes with sand and sank them in the ocean. That is SO many kinds of not right. And they weren’t your shoes. Shut the hell up.

Back to the La Flor camp, where NaOnka is in a tizzy, thinking somebody “moved her socks“. Because she’s as grounded in reality as Holly and Jimmy T, she decides that it’s perfectly fine if she takes a pair of Fabio’s socks and starts wearing them. Fabio, very confused because he’s dumber than a rock, approaches NaOnka to deal with this, but before he can even say anything, NaOnka goes ballistic and tears into him.

What is WRONG with these people? Did they only recruit at mental hospitals this season? I’m all for equal opportunity, but when did schizophrenia become a requirement to get on Survivor?

Over to Espada again, where Holly wanders up to Jimmy J and asks to talk to him privately. They mosey out to the beach, where Holly fesses that she’ “having a hard time”, and she starts crying. Jimmy tries to be supportive and all, since he’s had experience with football players who take too many drugs and get confused on the field. Holly decides to buck it up and stick around for a while. Then she wanders off to talk to a nearby tree, so I’m thinking rehab might take a while.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

La Flor comes marching in doing another one of their stupid dances, once again not taking things seriously and firmly convinced that their mere youthfulness will rule the day. At this point, that entire tribe could be swept away by a hurricane and I wouldn’t shed a tear. Can’t stand them.

Anyway, we have a muddy obstacle course that people have to run through, and then attack a pile of hay looking for a ball. Once four balls are found, other tribe members have to bounce the balls along using shields and work them into a barrel. And by the way, offers Jeff, this is also a Reward Challenge. The winner can pick from a tarp/rope combination, or some nice fishing gear. The tribes make appropriate lustful noises.

Jeff also explains that the Golden Medallion thing (currently held by the Espada tribe) is really super special this time. If you use it, one of the four balls is automatically placed in the barrel, thus giving you a great advantage. The Espada tribe takes roughly 1.5 seconds to decide they probably should use it this time. (Of course, it also means that they have to give the Medallion to the other tribe. So one of the Espada peeps carries it over and hands it to NaOnka, who looks horribly offended that someone would expect her to hold something, and she quickly throws it at another tribe member. Hate her.)

And off we go. It’s very close at first, until it’s time for Holly to look for the ball in the haystack. She takes forever, probably because she can’t decide which of her personalities should actually conduct the search. But she eventually finds it, and things progress. During the ball-bouncing part, the Espada tribe catches up to the youngsters and eventually surpasses them, winning Immunity. They decide they want the fishing gear for reward as well.

When the happy Espada tribe marches off to their camp, several of them make little whoops of victory, nothing too extreme. But the teenage La Flora tribe takes offense. Oh, come on. You rugrats marched in here all confident and cocky, doing your Cirque du Soleil tribute, and now you’re going to get an attitude?

Cut to the Espada camp, where everyone is very joyous and celebratory. Even crazy Holly seems to have found a second psychotic wind, and is now ready to conquer the world. As the tribe digs into the fishing gear, they find a clue for a hidden Immunity Idol. (It’s in the same cryptic language that youngsters Kelly B and Alina received in the tree-mail that they didn’t tell anybody about.) The tribe works on the clues together, figuring out most of them, and then everybody scatters to track the Idol down.

Scenes of people running all crazy-eyed and pawing in the sand.

Jill, trotting along on the beach, suddenly has an inspiration and figures out the part of the clue the tribe hadn’t fathomed yet. But instead of running to claim the prize, she goes up to Marty (and Dan, because he’s standing right there) and tells him where to look. This is an interesting move. Why would she willingly give the Idol away?

Marty and Dan race to the area that Jill mentioned, and start digging. They hit the failblog, showing that perhaps they aren’t the best and the brightest. (Well, we already knew this about Dan, because he brought those damn shoes along that cost more than 5 of my car payments.) Jill finally has to waltz into the scene for assistance. She points at a spot on the ground, Marty digs, and finds the Idol. At first, Marty bellows about HIM being safe. Then he glances at Jill, sees her upraised eyebrow, and changes his tune to “WE’RE safe”. (Memo to Jill: You better keep an eye on Marty. I’m thinking he doesn’t really understand the solid you just gave him.)

Back to the La Flor camp, where folks are discussing who should go home. As opposed to last week, when everybody wanted to send Kelly B home so she wouldn’t get the sympathy vote for her leg, Kelly B now seems safe because she kicked ass in the challenge, and nobody can deny that. Most of the clueless kindergartners think NaOnka should go, but then Kelly B hatches a better plan. Let’s send Brenda home. Several heads nod, except for Chase, because he’s kinda tight with Brenda. (In a sidebar: “I’m torn. I have no idea what to do.”)

Next we have NaOnka and Brenda, wallering around in the surf and assuming soft-porn erotic poses. NaOnka: “Let’s get Shannon out. Then Fabio.” Brenda thinks this sounds like a sweet deal, so they plot, thinking they can get Sash, Chase and Purple Kelly to join their cause.

A bit later, Chase comes running up to Brenda and lets her know that half of the tribe has fingered her for eviction. Brenda is clearly startled by this revelation. Brenda: “Who’s behind this?” Chase: “Shannon.” Brenda: “Then let’s take him out.”

This conversation, because nobody in the La Flor tribe seems to have any sense and they don’t take precautions to plot in secret, is overheard by Alina. She immediately runs to tell the Shannon alliance everything, which leads to Shannon in a sidebar: “I don’t know who to trust!” (Good, because I can’t stand you.)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff to Shannon: “Is it difficult being out here?” Shannon starts out benignly, mumbling about it being much more difficult living in the wild than he expected. Then he completely jumps the shark, saying that if Chase “goes with his girlfriend”, then Chase is going home next. This opens up a firestorm of accusations and threats. It gets wild. It’s clear that Shannon does not understand how to play this game, alienating even his own alliance members.

Jeff: In 21 seasons of Survivor, I have never seen an opening question at Tribal “lead to that much whoop-ass.”

Jeff to Brenda, and I quote: “While Shannon loses his mind behind you,” what do you think? Brenda politely tries to remain civil, but Shannon keeps bellowing the entire time.

Jeff to Shannon: Do you not understand that what you’re doing is not the wisest thing to do? (Jeff is clearly over Shannon.)

Shannon suddenly turns on Sash: “Are you gay?”

Every single person in the tribe is mortified by this. Except for Alina. She seems to think it’s perfectly fine to bring orientation into the mix, despite the fact that it has nothing to do with anything. Let’s add her to the “can’t stand” list, shall we?

Sash: What the hell are you talking about? I’m straight.

Shannon: “There’s a lotta gays in New York. Not in Louisiana.”

Jeff is completely fed up: “They’ve got a lot of gays in New York?” THAT’s your strategy?

Then NaOnka pipes up, ripping at Fabio, stating “Fabio, I don’t like you”, and whipping her hair around some more.

This mess is just unbelievable.

Fabio: “Can we just vote?”

Jeff to Kelly B: “Your thoughts on all this?”

Kelly B: We need to work for unity.

Duh.

Time to Vote. If they don’t send Shannon home, I’m done.

Eventually, Jeff traipses in with the carefully-sequenced votes.

Shannon, Fabio and Alina vote for Brenda.

Everybody else votes for Shannon. He’s gone.

And he stomps out, totally stunned, which pleases me.

Jeff: “It’s very clear that the biggest threat to this tribe is the tribe itself.”

Word.

Searching For Signal: #169 - “Survivor: Nicaragua” - Episode 1

We start off, of course, watching pretty location shots while Jeff Probst babbles about how everything is really remote and dangerous. (But not remote enough, apparently, that the producers can’t get a full-blown camera crew in there.) Jeff gives us some history of Nicaragua, details which are immediately forgotten because everybody is still getting settled in front of the TV and checking the beer supply. Some mess about active volcanoes, that’s all that really stuck.

Finally, we start getting glimpses of the 20 Survivors as they march along in a jungle. Some blonde guy starts talking (I guess we’re not supposed to know names yet, because they don’t flash his name on the screen.) “There’s monkeys hanging from everything!” Of course, I get a flashback to my last staff meeting at work.

Then Jimmy Johnson appears, and he instantly talks about winning Superbowls and how great he is, so I’m already not sure that we’re going to get along. This is followed by Jeff explaining that the Survivors think they’ve already been divided into teams, but they haven’t really. For now, they’re just marching along, and supposedly not talking. But they are talking in sidebars, with several people pointing out that they already hate other people just from looking at them. It’s nice to see people being so warm and accepting.

Oh, and we have the requisite skinny girl claiming that she’s going to flirt her way to the money. I instantly want her to go, and I don’t even know her name yet.

The opening credits finally roll, and now we have names for the people, but since we haven’t seen most of them, it’s pointless to do into any detail. Besides, half these people will be gone before we figure out who they are anyway.

Cut to a beach, where Jeff is bellowing “come on in, guys!”. Folks come traipsing in, and once again, some of the people are dressed completely inappropriately. Two of the girls think it’s just fine to be wearing cowboy boots. Uh huh. Try running your ass off down the sand in those. Two of the other girls are wearing what looks like a modified washcloth. I guarantee you they will be the first to complain about being cold when it rains. And there’s a guy with a tie. These people know there‘s not a mall around the corner, right?

In a sidebar, we meet Kelly B, who had one of her legs amputated at an early age. Wow. As long as she’s nice, I’m already rooting for her.

In another sidebar, a guy named Marty is already going off on Jimmy Johnson being out here. And really, why did the producers even let Jimmy on the show? People know him. And people are going to want him out. Oh wait, I keep forgetting that these shows are supposed to make money, not sense. My bad.

Jeff chats with the folks for a while, focusing on the “first appearances” thing. People respond with how they are already feeling each other out and learning to bond with their team. It’s pretty boring, so Jeff gets to the first challenge. He points at a nearby lagoon. Somewhere in there is the “medallion of power”, and if you find it, your whole tribe will benefit. “You can start now.”

The thundering herd races toward the water. Well, sort of. A few of them are strolling along like they’ve just had brunch and they’re a little gassy. We have shots of people running about all wild-eyed. Suddenly, the self-proclaimed slut (Brenda) spies something in a tree, and scampers up to retrieve it. Bingo. Jeff calls everybody back to the beach.

Jeff then breaks the news. New tribes. 40 and older over there, 30 and younger over here. Of course, the youngsters are high-fiving each other in delight, because they still belief that youth is everything. The oldsters sedately join each other, because they have to save their strength. Buffs are handed out.

Jeff then has a proposal for Brenda and her medallion. She can keep the medal and its mysterious, not-yet-named power. Or she can trade it for fire and fishing gear. Whatever she gives up goes to the other tribe. Quick shots of the youngsters biting their lips and trying to decide what to do.

Cut to commercials, so that we will be insane with anticipation by the time we get back. Or not.

The kids take the fishing gear. The medallion goes to the other tribe.

Cut to the Espada camp, where the older folks are getting to know one another. Jimmy has a side bar where he whines about not being in control like he normally is. (Poor thing. Must be rough, not being able to fire people.) But Jimmy decides that he’s going to play up his “superstar status”. Meanwhile, Holly, a swim coach, is already strategizing. She apparently gets in an alliance with the older cowgirl (Yve?) and also offers an alliance to Wendy, a goat rancher with a really weird accent.

We meet Jane, who tells us in a sidebar that she’s no prim housewife. From the look of her hair, she ain’t lyin. (On a heavier note, she just lost her husband last year.) Then she marches out on the beach and quickly starts a fire using a pair of glasses, so she immediately has a leg up on everybody. She then does a victory dance which is very startling in nature. Perhaps she should have refrained from that last bit.

Cut to the La Flor camp with the kiddies, where everyone is really loud and really tan. We meet Sash in a sidebar, where he’s psyched because “we know we’re going to dominate”. Then he talks about all the beautiful girls, so you know he’s really focused on what’s important. Next up in a sidebar is Jud, also happy about the youth of their tribe. “These are my people!” Really? Based on what, Jud? The fact that none of you can remember a President before George Shrub? You’re already missing a “D” in your name, what else is AWOL with you? Then he manages to stomp on something that cuts his foot, justifying my early judging of his book cover.

Shannon (a guy) in a sidebar, calling Jud a “dumb blond”. And he thinks one of the other guys is “retarded”. Nice. Then Shannon hooks up with one of the guys that they don’t identify. (I think it’s Chase.) They both feel they are the strongest and best players and need to stay tight. And they don’t want another girl to win. Shannon in a sidebar again: “We gotta control these girls. I mean, we already get owned in marriage.”

Shannon can go home at any time. Just sayin.

Then Kelly B decides to reveal the situation with her leg, just so she‘s not hiding anything. Everyone seems to be supportive, but then we have Shannon in a sidebar again. He wants her to get booted out so she won’t get the sympathy vote in the end. This guy just shoots decency out his ass, right? Then Naonka, in her sidebar, says “I don’t want to talk bad about Kelly,” and then proceeds to do just that, wanting her to go home as well. What is wrong with these people?

Back to the Espada tribe, at night. We see Jimmy Johnson throwing up, and claiming that he overworked himself. (Isn’t it intriguing that the Survivor producers will blur out any hint of man bits jiggling in underwear, but if someone’s blowing chow, we get it in 3-D.) Next morning, he’s whining about “zero sleep” and how miserable he is. To everybody. This is not a good idea.

Back to La Flor. Brenda and Chase seem to be getting close, flirting a wee bit as they strategize. He admits to his alliance with Shannon. (Brenda in a sidebar: “He’s a really nice guy, but he’s clueless. Of course I’m going to use that information to get me to the end.” Then she runs off to straddle a fallen log seductively.)

Alina and Kelly B check treemail and find a clue to a Hidden Immunity Idol. It’s up to them whether they share the clue with the others or not. Of course they aren’t going to say a word, but they can’t seem to figure out the clue, pointing at some cryptic symbols and giggling because they’re on TV. (Alina complains in a sidebar that she wishes they hadn’t found it together, because now she’s in a pseudo alliance with Kelly B, and she really wants Kelly to go home because of the sympathy vote thing.)

Is there anybody on this tribe that has a shred of humanity? Should we take Kelly B out in the woods and just shoot her? God.

Espada tribe again, with treemail. It appears to be a clue about the first challenge. So of course Jimmy J decides to play coach and get people motivated. Then he surprises me by telling everyone that he knows he’s not going to win, no jury would give him a million dollars. But he’s here for the adventure, and he wants to help one of them win. Well, then. I might have to like Jimmy even though he’s already on my nerves. The rest of the tribe nods their heads and seems psyched. Except for Jimmy T, who seems to be having a conversation with someone that doesn’t exist.

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The older team comes in and stately takes their place on the mat. The younger tribe comes in doing a stupid dance with a little flourish from the girls at the end. They are clearly not taking this seriously, convinced that they’ve already won, and Jeff is none too impressed. He tries to make fun of their dumb-ass antics, but the pre-schoolers don’t get it because Jeff is not an MTV video. Jeff sighs. Let’s get to it.

Basically, they have to fill troughs with water, so that it will flow into a tub thing and cause a bag of puzzle pieces to fall, then figure out the puzzle. Loser goes to Tribal. Oh, but wait. That Medallion of Power thing? It’s a huge advantage at challenges. If the older tribe chooses to use it, they get help with the challenge now, but then the Medallion will flip over to the other tribe for the next challenge.

The older tribe opts to keep the Medallion for now and not use it. Interesting.

And off we go. It’s actually a very tight race for a while, despite the fact that the person pouring the water for the older tribe seems confused about the laws of gravity. The younger tribe gets their puzzle pieces first, but only by a bit. Then it falls apart, with the older tribe lethargically diddling with the puzzle pieces while the younger tribe is bouncing and screaming and shoving pieces into place. Younger tribe wins.

Espada camp. Jimmy T in a sidebar: “This place has already knocked me down, and it’s only day three.” Then he marches over to a few of the other tribe members and tells them he’s voting for Jimmy J to go home. (“Stars blind people.”) But he’s really agitated about it, and comes off a tad unbalanced. Methinks he should have just kept his mouth shut.

Jimmy J and Holly go for a walk, strategizing. He says they should vote out the weakest player, which is either him or Wendy. Really? Just what the hell kind of game is Jimmy playing here? In a sidebar, Holly agrees with him, and is regretting her rushed alliance with Wendy.

Holly runs up to Jill, Yve, and Marty, and tells them what Jimmy said, that it should be him or Wendy, and now she doesn’t know what to think. (I’m thinking she needs to pull her bathing suit out of her crevices, because that really looks painful and I can’t concentrate on what she’s saying.) Jill suggests that the four of them do a round table and just say who they think should go. Yet they can’t do it. No one wants to make a decision, so they just stare at each other while crickets chirp.

Time for Tribal.

Jeff: “Let’s talk about first impressions.” And so they do. Jane calls herself a “southern hillbilly” but she actually comes across as kind of fun. Jimmy T lets it be known that he’s a little peeved that he’s not being perceived as a leader. Jimmy J does his “no jury’s gonna give me” thing again. Jimmy T begs to differ. Wendy proves that she might indeed by psychotic, upset that no one even asked her how old she was.

Jeff: Time to vote.

Wendy: Can I say something? And then the “might be crazy” changes to concrete fact. She babbles on forever about what she perceives as her strengths, and makes no sense. (“I have no calluses on my feet!” What the hell?) The rest of the tribe squirms in discomfort.

Jeff: Time to vote. (Is that okay, Wendy?)

The Results:

Wendy votes for Yve. Everybody else votes for Wendy.

And thus continues the Survivor tradition of the first person to leave getting sent home because nobody knows enough about anybody to really make it a fair vote. In the first few days, the mere fact that you are a goat rancher with no calluses is enough to get the boot. Wendy wanders away from Tribal, down a path that apparently leads through a graveyard. That’s nice. Nothing confirms defeat like a stroll through a field of dead people…