Backup Dancers From Hell: Trey Songz featuring Nicki Minaj - “Bottoms Up”

We start out with Trey walking into some skanky place that is apparently a Dominatrix Training Camp, with women wearing tight outfits and flipping their hair around. Trey checks his reflection out in a mirrored wall, thinkin’ he all that with his shades, but really, Usher has done this 4 billion times in other videos, and done it a whole lot better. Just sayin.

There seems to be some kind of power situation, with weak strobe lights flickering and buzzing. (You’d think that pop stars would be able to pay the electric bill, but some people never learn.) Then the music starts, and it basically all goes to hell. First we have various shots of Trey apparently trying to lead a gospel choir that doesn’t exist, waving his arms about like he know what he’s doing, but that doesn’t get anywhere. So somebody cues some hookers to start striking slutty poses in the background while Trey tries to look all street.

Trey sashays around the dimly lit room while those energetic hookers perform choreography that even Paula Abdul wouldn’t take credit for. (It appears that Trey likes to do weird little movements with his neck while pawing himself in his crotch region. My guess is that Trey grew up on a farm where nobody explained to him that he’s not a chicken nor does his tackle even begin to compare to Throb the Wonderbull.)

But hey, those hooker girls really know how to whip their hair around and wave their booties in the air. They be jammin’ with they bad selves. We then get several shots of Trey primping around with his little designer suit, but with people screaming “Bottoms Up!” on the soundtrack, ain’t nobody diggin’ his threads. All eyes are on the silhouetted hookers as they show us how their very talented boobies can shimmy to the beat.

We focus for a bit on Trey as he bellows some lyrics, but the only words that stick in my mind is him hollering “as we go alcohol insane”. Go? I’m thinking they’ve already been there and back. Some producer must have figured out that the gyrating fly girls in the background are taking over this show, so he instructs the cameraman to start dicking with the shots, making Trey appear more impressive than he really is.

So we start seeing Trey alone on another part of the soundstage, where he’s making shadow figures on the wall. Not really sure what that’s supposed to prove, but at least we can see him a little better. This doesn’t last very long, however, and soon we’re back to the wildly horny backup dancers touching every part of their body that they can reach. (I didn’t know this until now, but it seems that if you pull on your hair in an anguished manner it apparently drives you into even more of a sexual frenzy. I’ll have to try that some time.)

Trey does some more of the chicken-neck thing while the girls in the background do some squat thrusts. As if their intentions were not clear enough, the girls then spread their legs really wide so we can confirm that they don’t have a penis. Thank you for that. I was SO confused up until this point.

I guess Trey gets bored with the quartet of horny streetwalkers behind him, so he wanders off to another room where… I’m really not sure what’s going on. We can vaguely see a new woman doing something minimally erotic with some gymnastic rings, but it looks like the more important feature of this new room is that there’s a comfy chair in the middle of it which comes with its own bottle of hooch. Trey immediately makes himself at home in this chair and swigs from the bottle. Priorities, right?

The free beverage causes Trey to bellow more crap about “alcohol hero”. Nice. Let’s teach the youth of today that nothing can be finer than to be inebriated and treat women like disposable possessions that can be left in another part of the soundstage when you get bored. (On the flip side, skanky dancers in the background, you feel good about leaving a legacy to your sisters that you gotta hump set props in order to be important? Geez.)

Eventually, Trey wanders into some nightclub scene where (big surprise) more trashy women are cavorting around and begging to be mounted. Trey grabs one of them by the hair and slams her head into his chest, because that’s really erotic. He then picks up his bottle of hooch and staggers around trying to decide which tramp will get his affections for the evening. (Or at least for the next 15 minutes.)

Suddenly, we start seeing another hoochy in a blond wig, her breasts cinched into a corset so tight that I’m surprised she can get any oxygen. She starts rapping about “salt around the rim”, so I’m guessing this is Nicki Minaj. (I don’t think it really matters who she is. Trey certainly doesn’t care.) Nicki goes on for a while, but any vocal stylings she might have are lost in the fact that she waves her booty more than anybody so far in the video.)

What is wrong with people? Is this really considered entertainment? It’s certainly not progress of any kind.

And Nicki keeps going, with the producers jacking with her scenes, speeding up the video so that she appears to be a psychotic harpy of some kind. And Nicki actually grunts “I’m really such a lady.” Oh, no, honey, you’re not. “Lady” is not a term that will ever be applied to you, not with your cootchie humping the camera lens.

Trey just keeps drinking in the chair in the middle of the room. I keep drinking because at some point this madness has got to end.

But Nicki’s not done. She fiddles with the gymnastic rings, and then compares herself to Anna Nicole Smith.

Before or after the overdose? Sorry. My bad.

And maybe Nicki had a game-plan in mind, trying to prove some kind of point, but she just comes across as completely out of her mind. I don’t see any hint of salvation in this whole mess.

Back to Trey wandering around the sex room and sampling the wares. Apparently there isn’t a single female on the planet that doesn’t desperately want to have his baby. One of the more pushy sluts rips Trey’s shirt off, so that we can see he has lots of tattoos, in case you weren’t impressed with just his misogyny and objectifying of women. (Nicki keeps waving her fanny off in the corner, doing her inept part for equal sleaze rights.)

Trey struts around the room, apparently believing that his chauvinism will be forgiven since we can now see his nipples. (That sound you hear is the NOW organization speed-dialing legislators.) The strumpets continue to gyrate. Trey continues to drink and paw at his female toys as the song fades out.

Excuse me, I’ve got to go make my eyes stop bleeding…

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell - Usher featuring Pitbull - “DJ Got Us Fallin’ In Love”

We start things off in what looks like it might be a very fancy restaurant where there was some type of misunderstanding and everybody died. Chairs are knocked over and glass is smashed. Then we get a close-up glimpse of a turntable, so apparently music was involved in whatever tragedy took place. As the camera pans the destroyed room, we get ghosty images of dancers cutting in and out. It’s like “The Shining”, except not really and we don’t see Shelley Duvall’s ugly hairdo and screaming mouth.

Then some evil hand reaches in and gets the record spinning, and we start to see more images of people dancing. Well, I think they’re dancing. It’s basically a lot of hair being flipped around in some type of violent manner. I wouldn’t rule out electrocution, what with all the spilled liquid on the floor. Then one of the piles of shattered glass puts itself back together again, and hops up on the bar as a newly-restored bottle of liquor. So the ghosts and/or the hidden DJ have magical powers? Got it. It’s like “Charmed”, except not really and we don’t see Alyssa Milano’s belly button.

The music starts and more people flip their air. We see Usher walking up some stairs, and just in case we aren’t sure who he is, someone body whispers “Usher” repeatedly on the soundtrack. (He’s not vain at all, is he?) Then Usher starts doing some dance moves, because that’s what he’s all about. Of course, he’s got shades on even though it’s very dark in the club, because that’s one of the requirements of music videos. Oh, and he sings, too, in case you were wondering.

Apparently the extras have been told to stay away from the star, because he has a big chunk of the dance floor all to himself. Or maybe it’s some kind of insurance thing, because Usher likes to kick a lot. The main Usher keeps dancing, but we also have shots of him wandering through the gyrating crowd, probably trying to figure out where the bathroom might be. No one stops flipping their hair long enough to provide directions, which is a little sad.

Then we start to realize the Ushers are moving at one speed, while the big-haired dancers are moving at another. Not sure what that’s all about. It’s kind of fun and different at first, but quickly becomes slightly annoying. This continues for a bit. (I should also point out a few other music video requirements: It’s important that all the nameless dancers raise their hands over their heads at exactly the same time, and it’s okay if your whipped hair gets in your face, because a nice fan will blow it out of your way for you.

More singing and dancing from Usher, more sexual writhing by the assembled dancers, and more shots of the mysterious DJ jacking around with the record on the turntable. (At one point, we see that Usher is apparently a fan of that mystifying “pants on the ground” mess. It’s only a short piece, but his pants are clearly way south of his waist, and I’m disappointed that yet another music star is reinforcing dressing habits that will ensure certain youngsters will never get a promotion at their jobs.

Then Usher is doing some kind of running-slide thing in a big room, and he expertly skids to a halt in front of a large window. Behind him, two women are posed against the window glass like limber black windows. (No explanation is given, they’re just there.) Usher does some more dance steps, fiddling with a hat. Turns out he was performing some sort of wake-the-dead ceremony, because the spider-women come alive and start dancing with him to show their gratitude. It’s like “Interview with the Vampire”, except not really and we don’t get to see Tom Cruise with totally-wrong blonde hair.

Usher and the preying mantises boogie for a bit in synch, mixed in with some shots assuring us that Usher is still wearing his shades, so you can rest easy on that point. Then they line up and do some Hindu business so it looks like he has six arms. Again, no idea why we’re seeing this, but it looks really hip with the strobe lights, so that’s probably the only motivation. Then Usher dances away and leaves the spider chicks to devour one another. It’s like “Mean Girls”, except not really and we don’t get to see Lindsay Lohan before she lost her mind and started wearing lots of leather.

Usher heads back to the main dance room, and they start screwing around with the speed of the other dancers, making Usher look really cool because he’s still got his smooth moves, but everybody else seems to be badly in need of a better pharmacist. (The bad drug regimen still doesn’t stop these poor folks from jumping in the air and flipping their hair. This is gonna burn like Pilates in the morning, people.)

Oh wait, did we just see the DJ’s face? Looks like he’s wearing modified ski goggles, which is stupid, but I guess if Usher can do it, so can he.

Doesn’t really matter, because we quickly cut to Pitbull in another part of the bar, surround by shimmying lovelies, because that’s in his contract. (He also has shades on, so it’s a wonder any of these people actually found their way home.) He raps away with his usual thing, all about he’s the greatest stud this world has ever seen and the womens can’t wait to have sex with him. Speaking of, someone should probably tell the bevy of anorexic starlets around him that they are supposed to be in love with him, and not in chatting to one another about who has the best Cosmo recipe.

Cut back to Usher in the main part of the dance floor. The extras have cleared a space for his royal presence, but a select few of the underlings have been allowed to dance with him. These extras dash about and strike poses, not really dancing, including one enterprising floozy whose signature move appears to be bending over and waving her fanny at Usher. He’s not really that interested, having seen that move a hundred times, so she’s replaced by some guy in white spandex that thinks he’s Ziggy Marley.

Suddenly, Usher jumps about five feet in the air, his mouth wide open and wailing one of the song notes. (Chili dogs kick in?) When he lands, the select dancers kick it up another notch, with everybody really bouncing around, so I guess they all ate at the same restaurant. They seem really invested in doing one move where they put one hand behind their head and flap their arm like a half-ass “chicken dance”. This does nothing for me. I tried, but no.

And that’s basically it, we have about 30 more seconds of the same thing: people dancing on the ceiling, producers jacking with the film so it appears that everyone but Usher has motor-skill issues, and Pitbull is still off on the side, praising himself while his disinterested harem just sits there and waits for a paycheck. Then Usher and the featured dancers all touch their left breasts at the same time, and the song ends.

Usher thanks the mysterious DJ and then wanders off while the sunrise is apparently streaming through the windows. Interestingly enough, Usher is not wearing his sunglasses at this time. Perhaps I should send him an instructional brochure…

　

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Usher featuring will.i.am - “OMG”

Well, there’s not a whole lot going on in this video, so I’ll have to dig deep to find the mystical symbolism. I’m sure it’s there, because nobody in the entertainment industry would make a pointless video that means nothing, right? Anyway, here goes.

We start out looking at this old-timey TV set displaying flickering images of Usher and/or poltergeists. Why they would be using an ancient TV like this, I don’t know, because there are plenty of new-fangled sets out there and you know User can afford them. The camera starts zooming in while the music starts and Usher utters “oh my gosh” for the first of 7,235 times. Trust me, you will hate that phrase within two minutes.

Then we apparently enter the TV, just like that movie “Videodrome” where lots of people died. Usher appears to be trapped in a room with lots of blue laser lights criss-crossing the room. (Is he trying to rob a bank? Why is Usher insisting on pretending that he’s poor in this video?)

Oh look, the screen splits into two and now we have will.i.am on the left, in his own room with lasers. His laser beams are orange, though. I’m sure the different colors mean something (rankings on the Billboard chart?) but it’s not clear. We cut between the two for a little bit, so you can understand who is in which room. With two different people singing, it can get very confusing.

Then we have a close-up of Usher, as he’s pulling down what looks like the cowl neck of his black shirt, uncovering his mouth so he can start singing. He wants to love us down, which is nice and all, but you’d think he would have finished dressing before the video started.

Now Usher starts doing what might be dance moves, but they are very complicated and involve a lot of hand-pointing. These gestures seem to make the laser beams move around the room. Quick shot of will.i.am also wiggling and pointing, and suddenly the objective is clear: they have to dance their way past the security system or Tom Cruise will kill them. Got it.

This goes on for a while, so those must be some really smart laser beams. Or the guys just don’t know what they’re doing. Still, I hope they make it, because even if I don’t like the song, I really don’t want there to be a tragic end to this video. Because then they’ll pre-empt all my favorite TV shows while Larry King interviews the survivors, and I don’t think I can look at Larry’s suspenders one more time.

Oh wait, looks like at least Usher made it out alive, because suddenly he’s in a white room with lots of go-go-booted women who can’t keep still. The girls are hopping all over the place, doing things which include troubling crotch-thrusting, while Usher is acting like he’s on the runway in Milan. (Just a suggestion: maybe if the girls weren’t wearing leather bras, they might be a little more comfortable and wouldn’t need to thrust so much.)

Somewhere along the line, Usher picks up a fancy pair of sunglasses. We zoom in on those, and we are treated to reflections of people dancing around. (While Usher poses with his shades, we get quick shots of the lady dancers still trying to get away from the uncomfortable undergarments and the go-go boots.) Hey look, Usher is tapping a finger on the side of his head EXACTLY to the beat of the song. He is SO talented. Gosh.

Now Usher is wearing a trench coat and standing in front of what looks like a steel-plated wall. He does this little spinning move that causes his shadow to split into two shadows, and the shadows start dancing to a different song. Oh, now there’s four shadows. Not sure what the producers are trying to say. Does Usher have multiple personalities? (If that’s the case, I wonder which shadow is the one that didn’t get enough attention as a child?) Or are the producers just too cheap to hire actual dancers?

Okay, what is THIS? Usher is now leaping about two stories high and twirling in the air. Does he believe he can fly? Isn’t that somebody else’s song? This makes the shadows dance even harder, probably because they’re jealous that they don’t have their own jet packs. All of this activity causes the steel wall to drop, and we learn that it was just a fancy curtain. Well, that was pretty stupid.

Back to will.i.am, who’s still trapped in his laser room, which means Usher is winning at this game. But at least will.i.am has some company now, in the form of another tightly-dressed dancer who really enjoys posing with her booty out while her face is covered in a fishnet stocking. She proves to be a very busy girl, running all over the room like the po-po be knockin’ on the door, but will.i.am doesn’t care, since it’s time for his solo and she can prance around all she wants as long as the camera stays on HIM.

Then we cut back to Usher (I’m assuming it’s Usher, because he’s rudely walking away from us and you can’t really tell) in a room that has apparently been rigged for 3-D filming. I’m only guessing, though, based on the weird red and green out-of-focus crap that is going on. It might just be poor camerawork or the medication I’m taking.

Usher is joined by two male backup dancers, and all of them start puffing on cigars while dancing, because we all know it’s so much easier to keep the beat when you’re sucking burning smoke into your lungs. The tobacco also causes them to do slightly suggestive things with the derby hats they are wearing, like blowing smoke rings while humping the headwear. I’ve never tried this, so I can’t speak from experience, but it doesn’t look like much fun. I guess you have to have a hit album or two to really enjoy it.

Then a red light comes on, and female dancers come piling out from somewhere. The girls mostly gyrate and raise their hands to the sky, thanking the Lord for this gig and the chance to feel tight leather in personal spaces, while the guys do some choreography that involves push-ups, squatting, and standing on their tippy-toes. Meanwhile, some of the female dancers find some convenient metal bars that allow them to spin around like Mary Lou Retton in a porn movie.

Finally, Usher decides that he’s earned his paycheck for the day, so he turns and walks off the set while the camera moves backwards and we pop out of the creepy old TV. Hmm. Interesting. Now, where’s the remote so I can change the channel?

　

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