Searching For Signal: #156 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 18

We start with a quick review of the mayhem from the last episode (people crying in the swamp room, Lane playing “brother” and tossing about “sister” Britney like a rag doll as they both giggle and pretend that this has nothing to do with lust, and some revealing documentary footage that Kathy is unable to close her eyes at night after 40 years of mascara abuse). Oh, and the Announcer guy says “The Brigade got hit with a grenade” (Lane’s nomination), meaning even the BB producers are using that dumb-ass Brigade slogan. Blech.

Then we get to the new stuff, right after Ragan and Lane were put on the block, and we have a round of Diary Room confessions.

Ragan: “I am devastated. I am having a full-blown meltdown.” (Girl, you have those with simple things like people not putting the toothpaste cap back on tight enough.)

Lane: “I don’t know why I’m up.” (This does not surprise me, Lane. You’re confused by breakfast cereals.)

Brendon: “Lane is a pawn, Ragan is the target. But neither of them has had to fight to stay in this game.” (Which is totally stupid, making it personal instead of strategic. Say, Brendon, do you often have breakfast with Lane?)

Britney: “I think Brendon has a bigger plan. He’s not after Ragan or Lane.” (This would be an interesting thought if we weren’t talking about Brendon. After all, he hasn’t been thinking clearly since he was first caressed by the billowing synthetic fibers in Rachel’s hair extensions.)

Then we have Ragan in the Swamp Room, crying and talking to himself. “This is my opportunity to shine.” Then he blows his nose with enough force to create a tsunami, which is now headed to a poor Far Eastern country where nobody has flood insurance and the houses are made out of wax paper.

Brendon and Lane, chatting. Brendon: “You’re not the target. And if Ragan wins Power of Veto, Matt or Britney goes home.”

Time to pick players for the Power of Veto Competition. Brendon draws Enzo, Ragan gets Kathy (cue laugh track), and Lane, with a “Houseguest’s Choice” draw, picks Hayden. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “If I win, I’m safe.” Then I guess you’ll have to go with Plan B, because you seem unable to win squat.)

Quick scene with Ragan pouting in the Diary Room, because it’s just not FAIR that he might get sent home before he can finish his two weeks as The Saboteur. Interesting that you should bring that up, Ragan. Because really, all we’re seeing is Darth Vader videos, and nothing where you have to actually sneak about the house and do actual work. Explain to me again why you even deserve the $20,000? Just wondering.

Then we have some weird robot thing coming out of the Diary Room and telling the slumbering houseguests to “wake up”, and then making fun of them, because he’s the “Zingbot 3000” or some such. It’s pretty stupid, and this is one of those shame-filled moments when I realize that my life could be better spent doing anything other than watching this mess.

Oh, but the robot is also going to host the Veto Competition, so I guess he does serve some obscure purpose. Everybody tromps out to the courtyard, and we learn that this game involves carrying puzzle pieces across a balance beam and a spinning disc thing, and then assembling 4 puzzles that spell out “VETO”. And if you fall off at any point, you’re eliminated. Ready, go!

Right away, Kathy: “I’m taking my time on this one.”

Britney in the Diary Room: “You’re taking your time on this one? Oh, on THIS one. Okay. Because it’s not a race or anything.” Britney really is funny, when she’s not spending her time lacerating everyone around her with negative whining. And Monet getting the boot has actually calmed Britney down a little bit.

Diary Room moments for both Ragan and Lane, both of them doing the “gotta win” spiel and crossing their fingers. Yes, we know you need to win. But we don’t need to hear you say that 46 times in one episode.

Kathy in the Diary Room, complaining about the spinning disc part of the competition, accompanied by shots of her gingerly maneuvering across the disc without any urgency at all: “I don’t even ride the Ferris wheels at the carnival.” Well, it may not have been the Ferris wheel, but you’ve clearly ridden something. For a very long time.

Shots of Brendon obviously looking at Ragan doing the puzzles, and thereby cheating. He’s such a good sport.

Kathy is the first to fall and is eliminated. This is a total surprise and everyone is stunned. Not.

In the end, Ragan wins, meaning Brendon will have to name a replacement nominee. (Ragan in the Diary Room: This means, one, that I get to stay, and two, that I’m going to get the $20,000 for being The Saboteur. Yay! And three, I’m still wondering what Ragan really did that justifies that $20K. Maybe I’m just bitter.)

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I still have Britney and Matt” to put up. (Again, why are they your focus?)

Britney in the Diary Room: “Now I have to talk to the Neanderthal again.” (Again, sucking up is intrinsic to this game. I know you got the BB handbook. Use it.)

Lane: “We can’t have anyone in The Brigade going up against me.” (Well, since it’s quickly coming to the point where The Brigade will be the only people in the house, it’s bound to happen. Not happy that your little Brigade has slid under the radar so far, but it will be fun to watch you four tear at each other when it comes down to that.)

Cut to commercials. Can we get a moratorium on the BB advertisement where Monet (I think) screams “It’s party time. Yeah!” Sick of that.

Britney, Ragan and Matty in the Swamp Room. They basically agree that Kathy is the one that should go up on the block and then home. Then Matt wanders out to get some slop. Ragan turns to Britney and goes into full Bette Davis mode: Neither Matt nor I will ever screw you over. “I love you!” Then he starts sobbing. Britney, startled and not sure what to do, jabs herself in the eye with a finger so she can squeeze out a tear.

Hayden and Enzo, somewhere. Enzo: “If Matt goes home, it’s better for us.” Then they grip each other in places that you probably shouldn’t grip if you’re not in a relationship. Hayden in the Diary Room: He basically wants Matt out, because he wins stuff.

Brendon wanders into the HOH Room, where the Pandora’s box has been activated again, tempting him. He reads the letter about something good OR bad happening to the house if he accepts, but then he sees a video with Rachel splashing water on herself and he’s gone. “I choose most definitely” to open the box. (I’m thinking he’s already done that, but I digress.) Once he activates Pandora, he goes inside the secret chamber and finds another envelope.

“You get a 24-hour rest from the game,” shipped off to a nice vacation spot. “I get to see Rachel!” he proclaims, and wanders out a door on the other side of the chamber.

Back in the house, the doorbell rings. Everybody scampers to see who it is, and it’s Rachel. “I’m back, bitches!” (Britney in the Diary Room: “I wanted to throw up on myself.” Have you ever noticed how many things make Brit want to hurl? Perhaps she should see somebody about that.) Rachel: “Somebody opened Pandora’s box and I’m here for 24 hours.”

Then she immediately gets into a shouting match with Ragan. For the record, she started it. After they spar for a bit, Rachel runs up to the HOH Room, fully expecting to find her honey, Brendon. The door is locked. Hmmm.

Downstairs, Britney thinks that Brendon has been locked in Pandora’s box for an equal 24 hours. Good call, but not quite right. Rachel tromps back down the spiral staircase, and goes after Ragan again, with this round ending in Ragan spitting: “Count your friends in this house. Done already?”

And then they fight some more. Ragan asks “Ray-tress” to bring him a cocktail, then offers this: “You could have been decent, but you came in just like you left.”

This is not going to be a pleasant day in the life, just sayin’.

Then Rachel throws out this, which marks her for extinction in my book: “Do you have to be the biggest bitch because you’re gay?”

Oh, no she didn’t.

Ragan: “No, it’s because you’re a horrible person.”

And this goes on and on and ON. Ragan is actually very sharp and witty with his responses, while Rachel basically flips her hair and refuses to accept the fact that she might be out of line. (Rachel: “I’ll make every minute of the 24 hours miserable for you!”)

Now, the thing that bugs me the most about this extended confrontation? That nobody else in the house has Ragan’s back during the mess. Rachel is out of her mind with mean vindictiveness, yet they all look the other way. Because Rachel’s on the jury? Please. That girl ain’t votin’ for nobody except Brendon. She’s a lost cause. So you people not coming to Ragan’s defense are just pathetic.

Really don’t like the people in the house this season.

Later, Matt discovers that the HOH Room is now unlocked. So everybody thunders up there to see what’s going on. Close-up of Rachel pounding on the Pandora door and begging for Brendon to come out.

Cut to Brendon at the “vacation house”, wandering around and calling Rachel’s name. Eventually he finds a card explaining that “Rachel’s enjoying her vacation somewhere else”. Brendon: At least she’s having a nice time wherever she is. Then his clueless ass jumps in the pool and splashes around.

Back at the BB house, Rachel stomps out to the courtyard and proceeds to torment Ragan about her making cookies, knowing full well (courtesy of Britney) that he’s a Have-Not and can’t eat the cookies. And here we go with another round of bitter screaming. This goes on forever, so I’ll just throw out some choice quotes.

Ragan: “The only thing honest about you is the pimples on your face.”

Ragan: “Get on your broom and fly back into the house.”

Rachel: “Nobody likes you!”

Ragan: “You are the most vile devil child in the world.”

Rachel: “You suck at being gay.”

Ragan: “You will get what is coming to you. Take it as a tip and learn from it.”

Ragan stomps into the house and slams the sliding glass door. Rachel just stands there, unable to comprehend what she has done wrong, while Britney pretends to play pool with… I don’t know, one of The Brigade Boys. Again, nobody defends Ragan.

Rachel marches up to the HOH Room and uses some pretzels to spell out Matt’s name. The she trounces back downstairs, finds Enzo and hugs him, them convinces Kathy to stagger back up to the HOH Room with her. (I’m impressed that Kathy can navigate the spiral staircase. Who knew she had it in her?) Once there, Rachel: I spelled Matt out on purpose. Make sure that nobody comes up here.

Then Rachel leaves the house, her stay finally ended, and blood pressures drop.

Kathy races to tell Hayden and Enzo that Rachel left Matt’s name upstairs. Based on the expressions the two guys have, I’m not really sure they know who Matt is.

Later still, back up to the HOH Room. Brendon wanders out of the Pandora room, freshly returned from his vacation in wherever. He spies the pretzel message from Rachel. (In the Diary Room: Matt? Done!) Then he moseys out on the upstairs balcony, where he learns that Rachel was here and he wasn’t. Surprisingly, he doesn’t take his own life.

Kathy: “It was pretty dramatic in here.”

Understatement. Of. The. Century.

Brendon drags Britney up to the HOH Room. Brendon: Just checking to make sure our agreement still holds. Britney: “100 percent.” (Britney in the Diary Room: Are you kidding? I will promise my first-born child.)

Brendon and Ragan in the HOH Room. Ragan: “People need to see you as you, not as Rachel and Brendon.” Then Ragan hints that Matt should go up, but cautions that if Britney is nominated, she’ll go home, but Matt may not.

And we have another Darth Vader video. “There’s a competition tomorrow that could change the course of the game. Get some sleep.” The houseguests scurry to get some shut-eye. But Darth keeps coming back on the monitor. All night long. So nobody gets any sleep, and Kathy in particular looks like we should just throw some dirt on her face and call it done. In the last Darth video, the bleary-eyed houseguests learn that there really isn’t a competition. Hee hee.

Ragan in the Diary Room: He’s very happy that his latest Saboteur prank has everybody in an uproar. Then Liza Minnelli walks in again, and asks him where he got his blouse.

Time for the Veto Meeting.

Ragan removes himself from the block. Natch.

Brendon nominates Matt as a replacement. Not so natch, but still.

Ragan slams the Veto box closed, triggering some final Diary Room moments.

Ragan: He’s really sad that Matt had to go up. But not so sad that he’s going to forfeit his $20K for being The Saboteur.

Enzo: The worst has finally happened. It might be time for Matt to go home. Then Enzo gets distracted by a mirror and some catnip.

Britney: I have a huge sense of relief. Does anybody have some hand lotion?

Lane: I’m gonna do what I gotta do. Lane, you have no idea what that might be.

Matt: I’m not worried. I’ve got the Madonna Veto. I can’t wait to see Brendon’s face when I use it.

Me: I can’t wait, either. Especially since I expected you to use the Diamond Veto as soon as you were put on the block, because isn’t this the Veto meeting? Why wait? Did I miss a memo? Probably.

So if Matt uses Madonna right before the actual vote, anything could happen. Oh boy.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #153 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 16

And we start with the traditional review, where the Announcer Guy is babbling about Brendon being on a quest to destroy his reputation in the house. (Shouldn’t be too tough to do, right? They already hate him. Almost as much as they hate the High-Kicker from Hell.) Then Julie marches out into the live studio audience, wearing some boring white pants and an equally blasé blouse.

Julie: Whoever goes home tonight will be the first member of the jury. Yay! Then she goes right to the Brendon thing, informing us that “Brendon is determined to sabotage” his chances. Just in case we don’t understand, we get more of the same shots of Brendon yelling at Dolly Parton that we just watched with the Announcer Guy. I think we get it, guys. This show is going to be all about Brendon being mean. Check.

We finally pick up where we left things in the last episode, with Brendon having just lost his mind on the Nomination Block. (Hey, did you know he did that? Just making sure.) As everyone hops to their feet and tries to act like that wasn’t really awkward, Ragan decides that he can’t pretend. Bellowing for all to hear: “It was like that ‘Cable Guy’ movie, where the Neanderthal made an idiotic speech.”

(Disclaimer: Haven’t seen the movie, but I’m assuming that Ragan was not being kind.)

Britney in the Diary Room: Brendon is “the spawn of Satan!”

Rachel slinks up to Brendon: “Could you go with me to the storage room, please?” They totter off. Once there, Rachel: “What were you thinking?” Then she fesses that she’s not sure if that was really stupid or the nicest thing that anyone’s ever done for her. Then she cries, and they paw at each other.

Rachel in the Diary Room: “Brendon is the most amazing person that I’ve ever met.” And yet she lives in Vegas. Does she even know where The Strip is? Surely she can find somebody there with a little more flair.

Brendon in the Diary Room: “I’m in love.” If that makes me an idiot, so be it.

Blech.

Rachel and Britney, somewhere. Rachel: “I didn’t know he was going to do that.” Then she turns on the waterworks because it’s instinct with her. Britney: “Your worst mistake was hooking up with him. He’s a sinking ship. He hates women.” Too bad you love him and all that.

Then Britney marches outside and up to Enzo, Lane and Hayden, where they are once again trying so hard to hide their alliance. Britney: “Brendon’s come after every woman in this game.” Then she marches off. Not sure what that was all about, they already hate him. They watch her go, then decide to get all cocky about things because that’s really the only skill in their repertoire.

Enzo in the Diary Room: “The Brigade is running the house. WE decide who goes home.”

Look, all you guys are doing is reacting to everyone else self-imploding. That’s not really strategy. That’s luck.

Ragan and Matty, somewhere. Ragan is still going off over Brendon being a Neanderthal. (Ragan really likes that word. I’m already over it, mainly because it takes too long to type out.) Matt in the Diary Room: “People are re-thinking” sending Rachel home.

Later that night, Rachel approaches Britney and Ragan as they lounge in the hammock, because it’s really tiring being pretty for the cameras all the time. Rachel is trying to make nice, but she does so in her trademark way of always appearing to be fake and condescending. Ragan cuts her off. “We operate on two different levels. And the one common denominator in every argument in this house? It’s you.”

Rachel, convinced that she can’t be hearing things correctly, pushes an acre or two of hair away from her ears. Really?

Ragan: “You’re not a good sport.”

Rachel bursts into tears and runs away. (Meanwhile, Kathy joins Britney and Ragan. I only mention this because Texarkana Girl doesn’t have a lot of face time in this episode, so I need to name-check her when I can.)

Brendon, spying his Squeeze Box crying and stomping off, goes up to the three on the hammock, and proceeds to tear into Ragan. It’s clear that Brendon does not have a degree in English or Logic, because what he’s spewing doesn’t really make any sense. Ragan holds his own, accompanied by Britney cackling away and scratching Brendon’s chalkboard even harder.

Then Brendon turns his fury on Britney, and they really get into it, so much so that they have to start running around the courtyard and making demonstrative hand movements. Britney does not back down, and Brendon finally goes in the house. Britney can’t help but open the sliding glass door, toss off a few more insults, and slam the door. Then she wanders off to check the latest receipts for Dollywood.

Hayden, Enzo and Lane, still hiding their alliance, sit around and discuss whether to send Rachel or Brendon home. It’s a long discussion, short on actual interest, but they seem to be thinking that keeping Brendon will be better, since he will be useless as a competitor and a sitting target.

Hayden in the Diary Room: But it really comes down to “who is going to help The Brigade more.” Well, think about it. Wouldn’t that be Rachel? She actually wins things, and if you can swing her to your side? Heyyy. Besides, she’ll get over Brendon quicker than he will get over her, and she really wants to win. He just wants to find his Mommy.

We have Ragan going to the Diary Room so he can pick out his next Saboteur act. Once again, it’s cheesy and kind of stupid, but he goes with starting a rumor that “the voted-out person isn’t really leaving.”

Cue another Darth Vader video: “Don’t sweat this decision too much. Because they might not really be going home. True love really does conquer all.”

Excited, Rachel and Brendon run from the room, giggling.

Rachel in the Diary Room: She’s overly ecstatic and very cocky, actually thinking she’s safe. I guess it doesn’t cross her mind that this is a Saboteur thing. Who knows what the truth is.

We see the rest of the house, sitting around totally perplexed. They try to figure out the real meaning of the video, and lots of ideas are tossed out. Then they go back to deciding on what to wear at the next competition.

Live, Julie talks to the assembled house guests in the Couch Room. She shows them scenes from the Giant Paint Can competition, and they all laugh, because it’s so much fun seeing themselves on the TV. Julie tries talking to Lane about something, but he doesn’t get it, so she gets bored and switches to Matt. Regret the Pandora thing? Matt: “The reward was not worth the result.” Yeah, right. The rest of the house still doesn’t know that he has that Power of Madonna Veto shoved in his suitcase.

Julie asks Kathy: Why no apology to Rachel? Kathy, resisting an urge to take Julie’s life for bringing that mess up again, states her valid case once more. I won and I was happy. Done. Julie: Whatever. Hey gang, it’s the halfway point in the game. Yay!

They yay.

Then Julie asks them to vote on the “most underestimated player” left in the house. Matt says Kathy. Lane, Britney, Kathy and Ragan (no shame here) vote for Ragan. Enzo fingers Hayden, with Hayden and Brendon nominating Britney. Rachel spouts “Everybody!”, which is probably the best answer.

Julie shuts off the monitor, because you can only take so much of those people, and then lets us know that we are about to meet Brendon’s ex-fiancee. Oh? This should be fun. But first we have to tolerate several showmance scenes between Brendon and Rachel, which kind of drags things down a bit.

Then we cut to “Candice”, who was engaged to Brendon for 6 months. She broke it off because “he was trying to change who I was. Everything he’s said to Rachel, I’ve heard before.” (She’s not bitter at all, can you tell?) Next we have Candy’s mom, thrilled that her look-alike daughter didn’t take the plunge. We end with Candice advising “Rachel has to be prepared to be emotionally drained.”

And the whole time, I’m thinking, wow, Brendon sure seems to like women who really, really, really love wearing lots of makeup.

Time to vote, and the “save me” speeches.

Rachel: Some mess about having fought really hard to be here, and finding her new pet, Brendon, without having to go to one of those tacky animal shelters.

Brendon: Slams Matt for lying about Pandora (which IS true), then somewhat chastises the rest of the crowd for not making this game more fun, strong, amazing, something, something. Then he actually compares his persecution in the house to the Salem witch trials.

Really? Dude, get on the horn with your home planet and send a distress signal. They obviously need to come pick you up. Your assignment on Earth has failed.

Anyway, we vote, and it’s unanimous. Rachel is going home.

She only bothers to hug Brendon, then grabs her bag. He lingers at the door, panting and pining for one final doggie treat.

Outside the house, Julie tries to interview Rachel, but she turns out to be pretty boring, basically answering every one of Julie’s questions with “they were scared of me”. Julie, out of desperation, turns to the “goodbye” videos. As expected, some of the house guests are really mean and hateful (Britney) and some are surprisingly cordial and well-wishing (Enzo and Hayden). Of course, Brendon’s eyes brim with tears the whole time. Rachel, for her part, remains completely dry.

Then Julie surprises me by saying to Rachel: “This may not be the last you’ve seen of the Big Brother house.” What? Rachel immediately perks up, ready to sleep with whoever she has to in order to make this happen. But Julie is done with the teaser, saying nothing more on the matter.

Time for the HOH Competition.

It’s a giant grid, with ropes knotted and tangled throughout. The houseguests have to follow their particular rope, get it untied, and drag the whole thing to the finish line. As a bonus, the winner will also get to pick 3 people to be “Have-Nots”. Ready, go!

Banjo music fills the air, which is entirely appropriate. We watch the initial scramble.

Julie mutters something about “chickens on the loose”. This is followed by feathers falling down and coating the players as they toil through the muddy grid.

Cut to Julie, who has a burning question: “Will Matt use the Diamond Power of Veto next week?” It’s the last week he can do it. Join us and find out. And hey, keep sending those Saboteur ideas, because they’ve been SO intelligent and creative so far.

Back to the HOH grid, with Julie now muttering “a storm is brewing”, cuing water to start pouring down on the houseguests. (I think Julie gets a bit too much pleasure out of this Mother Nature thing.) Judging by the way the soundtrack keeps cutting out, meaning the censors are bleeping salty language, the houseguests are none too pleased with Julie’s atmospheric gifts.

And thus we end, not yet knowing who the next HOH will be.

Hate that. What’s wrong with short competitions? Seriously.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #152 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 15

So we start with the standard review, where we don’t really see anything new, but the whole time the little Announcer Guy is practically wetting himself over the fact that Jeff and Jordan (from last year) are going to host the Veto Competition. Now, I think Jeff and Jordan are precious as all get out, but let’s try to keep ourselves dry, okay people?

Round of Diary Room confessions.

Matt: “Brendon and Rachel are the two biggest threats! They are viruses in the house!” (Um, side note, does Matt ever NOT wear that hoodie thing, carefully unzipped to strategically emphasize his chest?)

Ragan: He makes it very clear that he hates Rachel and Brendon more than anything ever in the history of the world. (But he’s not dramatic about it or anything.)

Brendon: “Whoever stays is going after them!” (Meaning everybody in the entire house. Good luck with that.)

Rachel: “Why am I the bad guy? There’s six other guys in the house!” (And, of course, she yells this so loud that two satellites fall from the skies.)

Rachel and Brendon in one of the rooms, shortly after the nominations. He’s trying to kiss her, but she doesn’t want any of that mess. Then he gets an inspiration. “Let’s go make it awkward for everyone.” This causes Rachel’s eyes to sparkle, and they run from the room, practically skipping.

They march into the kitchen, with people milling about, and Brendon calls Matt a “midget”. (Ah, so they’re going to be mature about this, eh?) Rachel whips her hair around, defying anyone to walk through that mess and live. Some of the people leave the room, because THIS isn’t going to be any fun, and they pile up off to the side, whining about Rachel and Brendon. (Kathy: “Both of them disgust me.”)

Still in the kitchen, and apparently annoyed that she is not getting the reaction she desired, Rachel grabs a red onion and a cutting board, then starts hacking away at the poor onion like it was Adolf Hitler. Really fierce and dramatic. Britney, probably afraid for her life at this point: “Let’s go talk.” Rachel: “NOO!!” Whack, whack, WHACK. Britney screams and dives for cover under the dishwasher.

Rachel and Brendon in one of the rooms, with her pouting. “It’s not a game, it’s personal!” Brendon: If I win Veto, I’ll give it to you. Rachel, bursting into tears: “I can’t play without you!” Then she slams her head down into a pillow, sobbing. (And I think briefly, hey, maybe she’ll suffocate. But she doesn‘t, eventually flopping back over.) Brendon pours on the love, leading Rachel to gaze at him in wonder and mutter: “You’re so surreal.”

That whole SCENE was surreal. What’s up with these delusional people? Remind me to never get a science degree. Something just happens to those folks.

Big Brother then allows the gang to practice in advance of the next competition, which they sometimes do even though I personally think that’s kind of cheating. (No one asked me, of course.) This event is sort of like bowling, with most of the houseguests trying their hand at knocking pins over.

Except Rachel. She’s sitting on this little deck thing, apparently listening to sad music in her head and waiting for the Titanic to go down. She suddenly leaps up, runs into the house, burst into tears, falls on a bed, and wraps herself in a blanket. (Again, a brief hope for suffocation, or possibly strangulation.) Of course, puppy-dog Brendon follows her in there. Rachel: “I can’t DO it!” (Rachel in the Diary Room: “I feel like road kill!” Well, with that hair, you’d be a natural for the part.) Brendon consoles her, and eventually they go back outside.

Where they practice the bowling thing. All night. By the time they wrap it up, Rachel is knocking pins over from here to Vancouver. Hmmm.

Time to pick players for the Veto Competition. Matt draws Kathy, Rachel draws Britney, and Brendon gets “houseguest’s choice”, choosing Enzo (because Meow-Meow never wins anything). Ragan will also be playing, having won that weird Veto Pass thing last week.

A bit later, the doorbell rings. (Yes, the house does have one.) It’s Jeff and Jordan, here for the competition. Hurray! The house understandably goes wild, with hugging and chattering. (Matt in the Diary Room: “It was great to see them, but to see anybody that isn’t us is cool.”) Jeff and Jordan even spend a few minutes in the Diary room, confirming to everyone that they are still a couple. Awww. They cute.

Anyway, everybody tromps outside for the competition. This turns out to be a really long one, time wise, so I’ll try to keep it exciting. Basically, two players bowl against one another, with the person getting the highest score advancing in the game. There are really only three things you need to know.

Once, Rachel loses to Kathy in the very first round. (So much for all the practicing that Road Kill did.) When Kathy lets lose a victory cry when she wins (perfectly natural), Rachel gets furious, thinking the hollah was mean and rude. (This coming from the person who terrorized the “floaters” when she won HOH last week.)

In the very next round, Brendon versus Britney, Brendon gets so mad when he runs out of time that, instead of rolling his final ball, he hurls it through the air, nowhere near the pins, and nearly missing a startled Jeff and Jordan. (I guarantee you the Big Brother producers nearly had a collective coronary. Can you imagine the fallout if America’s Sweethearts had been killed on the set? Holy cow.) Anyway, Brendon is a complete jerk and needs to go home.

Finally, with those two eliminated, the rest of the competition is basically a party, and no one really cares who wins at this point. Well, except for Britney, who DOES win. (In the Diary Room, having just won for the third time: “I am Veto royalty now!”) Everybody’s laughing and giggling, except for Rachel and Brendon as they sit off to the side. (And for once, Brendon is the loudmouth ass, with Rachel trying to get him to calm down.)

Rachel in the Dairy Room: “It was so hard to see Jeff and Jordan happy when Brendon and I were so sad. I’m gonna go confront Kathy!” (What these two things have to do with one another, I have no idea. It’s Rachel.)

Rachel marches up to Kathy. “Can I talk to you for a minute.” They traipse into the daybed room, where Rachel goes OFF. Kathy lasts about five second, then grabs her drink and leaves. “I’m not gonna listen to this.”

Rachel follows her out, still bellowing. Kathy tries to remain composed but has finally had enough. “I am NOT gonna apologize. I beat you!” (Sing it, sister.) Then Kathy walks off again. And Rachel follows her again. All over the house. Still bellowing. It’s wild.

By this time, everybody in the house is so mad at Rachel that they are on the verge of taking her life right there on TV, who cares what happens after that. (Later, in the HOH Room, Britney to Kathy: “If you apologize to her, I will slap you in the face.”)

Rachel is SO gone from this house. Right now, anyway. It’s Big Brother.

Ragan is instructed to go to the Diary Room, where he’s to receive his first Saboteur assignment. In an obviously staged arrangement, because his responses are corny, he reviews some of the suggestions (hide Rachel’s hair extensions, hide stinky cheese in one of the bedrooms) he finally selects “Turn Rachel and Brendon against each other.”

Why in the world would you pick THAT one? Anyway.

A bit later, Darth Vader comes on the monitor, and everybody runs to see what’s up. Darth informs Rachel: “Brendon has been throwing competitions to get himself further in the game. You two can discuss this in the Jury House.”

Rachel doesn’t believe it for a second. And doesn’t care anyway.

Most of the house, led by Matty, think the Saboteur must be Brendon, because who else would make Darth say that? Stupid people. (Ragan can barely suppress a grin during the conversation.)

Rachel goes to Britney, hoping to sway the usage of the Power of Veto. Britney: I don’t think there’s any way I’m going to use it.” Rachel: “I promise anything, and I’ll give you the $5,000” that I won. Britney: Are you kidding me with that? “That would be a target on my back, and I would be going against the entire house.” Rachel: “Then put Kathy up.” Britney: “I’m not using it. One of you is going home.”

And Britney is very cordial during all this. Firm, telling the truth, but cordial. Rachel, for her part, is fairly calm as well, probably in shock that someone IS actually telling her the truth. Her hair looks confused.

Rachel and Brendon again, somewhere. Brendon: “I’m gonna try to keep you here. Let me do something for you.” (In the Diary Room, Brendon hints that this “something” might be pretty drastic.” When Rachel protests, he insists on doing it. “I’m your knight!” Which, despite everything, is sweet.

Time for the Veto Ceremony.

(Brendon in the Diary Room: “If I take a bullet, she will love me.” Good God this boy is one needy bundle of messed-up issues.)

For the “Save Me” speeches, Britney asks Brendon to go first, but he defers to his lady love. Rachel: “I really like you. And I’ll give you $5,000. And I really like you.” Which is stupid, offering that out in the open like that. Eyes roll.

Brendon, taking a deep breath so we know he’s about to do that “something” he’s been babbling about, to Britney: “You are a spoiled brat. You are selfish.” And away he goes. You are in alliances. You are lying to people in your alliances. Blah, Blah. Now, most of it is actually true, but he’s just not right in the head.

Britney just laughs. Then she chews him up, spits him out, throws the Veto in the little box, and then slams the lid. We’re done here.

We finish up with more Diary Room confessions.

Britney: “That was vile and disgusting.”

Brendon: “Hopefully, my plan works.”

Rachel: “That was the biggest gift EVER.” Then she cries.

And her hair still looks confused.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #151 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 14

We start with the review of the last episdoe (Kristen cries, Hayden lies, blah, blah) and then here comes the Announcer Guy with far too many questions: “Who will win HOH? Will the HOH open Pandora’s box? Will there be a new Saboteur in the house? Will Julie ever figure out that she needs to have more than one facial expression?”

Cut to the giant paint can still rotating in the courtyard. No one looks very happy, and everyone has blotchy paint on their couture. We watch them turn for a while, hoping that someone falls and thereby creates some excitement. But they don’t, the damn thing just keeps turning and nothing is happening, so we instead have some Diary Room confessions:

Brendon: “I gotta win this thing!” No, duh. But seriously, let’s have some originality in the Diary Room, shall we? I’d pay good money for someone to just scream “I have crabs!” and then point.

Matt: “We gotta get The Bridge name up in lights!” Really? Are you planning on a Broadway Show? The Brigade starring in “Sunday in the Park with Whores”.

Hadyen: “Kristen deserves to be here way more than those clowns (Rachel and Brendon).” And whys is that, Hay? Because Kristen was so good at what? Crying? Because that’s all I’ve got in MY notes.

Rachel: Whoops, I have her name down like she said something, but no quotes or remarks. Let’s just assume she said something really loud and obnoxious, and made people not care for her even more.

Kathy: “I knew I was the only vote for Hayden. And the last time I was the only vote, I went straight to the block. But I’m not a puppet!” Not sure about that, Kath. With that painted-on surprised expression on your face, you certainly look like you might be sitting on someone’s hand.

Britney: “I had a huge blob of paint right over my mouth!” That was a sign from God, Britney. Think about it. And talk less.

Back out to the courtyard, paint can still whirling. Suddenly, Kathy hollers “I’m gonna take the Have-Not for everybody. Deal?” Then she hit’s the ground like a sack of potatoes. Everyone just stares at her, because that was kind of stupid. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “I want them to think I’m not a threat.” Done.)

Then Lane is in the Diary Room, initially babbling something boring about how strong he is, then he shows us his flexed right bicep. Holy cow that thing is big. I think my life just changed in some significant way.

We keep getting treated to shots of Rachel, sitting off to the side and hollering at Brendon on the paint can: “You’re the best EVER!” Over and over. To the point where the entire Western hemisphere wants to kill her.

Then Enzo gives up and drops. (Matt in the Diary Room: “Enzo is the most selfish player in the game,” always letting other people work for a win. Then kick him off your team, dude. Problem solved.)

Brendon drops. (Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m SO frustrated with him. He needed to win for me. I did it TWICE for him.” Then she turns to her hair for sympathy, and they have a rare moment of silence as they consider their fates.)

Brendon limps over to where pouty Rachel is sitting, with Brendon being all apologetic and Rachel pretending to understand even though she doesn’t. This leads to extended bickering. Oh, just break up, you two. Nobody cares anymore.

Lane goes down (so much for those biceps), Britney goes down (making a squeak of slight pain that I enjoyed far too much), and then Hayden tumbles. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “The fate of The Brigade is in Matt’s hands again.” Matt in the Diary Room: “Getting a little tired that it’s always me” that pulls The Brigade through. So, maybe you need to jump alliances, eh? Aren’t you supposed to be the smart one?)

Finally, Ragan goes down and Matt wins HOH.

Immediately, Matt, Enzo and Hayden race to the pantry, again working really hard to hide their alliance. Hayden and Enzo act all cocky, even though they had nothing to do with the win.

Brendon approaches Rachel in one of the rooms, doing the “puppy dog that just wants to be loved” thing. Rachel fiddles with a stack of underwear or something, pretending to be busy and not upset, even though she is. When he persists with his pathetic neediness, she pushes him away. He wanders off to piddle on the carpet somewhere.

It’s time to see Matty’s HOH Room, so everybody tromps up the spiral staircase for a round of fake “ooohhing” and “aaahhing”. Britney intentionally goes overboard, having small orgasms as she fondles knick-knacks about the room. She’s actually entertaining, and I can briefly tolerate her.

A bit later, Matt goes into the HOH Room alone, and there’s that giant question mark on the wall and the whole Pandora’s box mess. It seems he can win the “diamond power of veto” if he opens Pandora. Matt contemplates the possible stipulations (“maybe I can’t tell anybody and this will backfire on me”) but then he decides he doesn’t care. “Let’s do it.”

Matt snatches up the Veto and some more detail. He has the power to pull somebody off the block AND name the replacement. He can do this once anytime over the next two weeks. But he can’t tell anybody. And, oh yeah, something really bad is going to happen to the rest of the house. Have a nice day!

Matt runs to his suitcase, hides the diamond Veto, snatches up the “$1” card he won during the wet wiener ride, then marches downstairs and assembles the houseguests. He tells them a bogus story about only winning one dollar.

No one really buys his story for a second. (Even Lane fesses in the Diary Room that “something’s fishy”.) Then we have a few scenes with various folks still not believing Matty. Hayden, Ragan and Kathy are in the daybed room, with Ragan pontificating: “The thing with Pandora’s box is that there’s always good and bad.” Ragan thinks that someone is going to be brought back into the house.

Two seconds later, Ragan finds out some of what’s really going on.

He’s called to the Diary Room, and finds his name on an envelope. “Oh, this is NOT good.” He opens it and reads the offer: became the Saboteur, pull three tricks a week for two weeks, and win $20K. He contemplates for a very long, starting to get boring, time, and then decides if America voted for him to do it, he will.

Instantly, the Announcer Guy is informing us “We have a new Saboteur!” (Um, yeah, we just saw that, thanks though.) “Send in your Saboteur suggestions!”

Later, Rachel wanders up to Matt and Ragan lounging on the daybed. Rachel: “I know you’re gonna put me up unless I make a deal.” Ragan asks if he should leave, and Rachel says she doesn’t really care, “I know you guys are a team.” This remark sets Ragan off, not sure why, perhaps that hand he has shoved down the back of his pants found something he hadn’t wished to find. Ragan: “No one in this house has approached me. We are NOT a team.”

It gets worse. Rachel tries explaining that she didn’t really mean anything with the remark, but Ragan doesn’t believe her. The words get louder and louder. I don’t really know what the motivator here is, but I’m thinking Ragan is way out of line or that we have missed a prior confrontation.

Brendon hears the arguing, and comes in to “have Rachel’s back”. This just stirs things up even more, we get even louder, and now the whole house can hear. Rachel finally turns to Brendon: “Why don’t you and Ragan leave?” They stomp out the door, glaring at one another.

Matt: “I know that’s not why you came in here.” Rachel: “I’m not sure there’s any reason to talk, now.” Then Rachel just sits there glumly, her hair distressed and forlorn.

Meanwhile, out in the kitchen area, Brendon tries explaining to the other peeps what just happened, and Ragan now jumps on HIM. More yelling. Sighing, Rachel marches out there, grabs her doggy by the tail, and drags him back to the daybed, where Matty is grinning from ear to ear as he sucks up all this drama which takes the attention completely off of him.

Rachel to Matt: “Why not have two strong people on your side?” Matt: Because I know that one of you is still going to come after me.

Later still, we hear odd sounds on the video monitor, and everybody in the house, probably out of sheer boredom, starts screaming “The Saboteur!” and running to the couch room like they all got a gas bubble at the same time. They gaze at the monitor in rapture as Darth Vader speaks again: “Guess who’s back? Thanks, Matt, for opening the box. You all better watch your back or I’ll be stabbing you in it!”

The monitor goes dead, there’s a long discussion about why ANYBODY would WANT to be the Saboteur (Ragan tries not to gulp too obviously, but dude, you look like an extra in “The Ring”), and then people line up at the Diary Room door.

Matt: “I shoulda never touched it.” (Oh, you could have touched it. The problem was your lame-ass story that even your mother wouldn’t believe.)

Britney: “I’m pissed off! There’s enough drama” in this house already. (Which means even less of a spotlight on YOU, which irks you greatly. I know, right?)

Ragan: “I am FREAKING. OUT!” (Well, unless you’re really, really good with this Saboteur thing, you won’t have to be freaking out for very long. Instead, you’ll be talking to Julie and clutching your Lady Gaga CD.)

More Diary Room mess, as Matt decides who he’s putting on the block:

Rachel: “Matt is too much of a pansy NOT to nominate us.” (Pansy, probably. Tired of you in general? Bingo.)

Enzo: “We’ll see if the gremlin does what he’s supposed to do.” (I totally don’t get this crappy 1970’s car reference. Is Matty ugly with a hatchback?)

Matt: “It’s time to take this nomination thing to a whole new level.” (Which is fancy talk for “I’m going to nominate Rachel and Brendon.”)

Time for the Nomination Ceremony.

Matt nominates Rachel and Brendon.

Matt: “This couldn’t be less personal or more strategic. You guys are a major power in the house.”

Rachel in the Diary Room, crying: She babbles something about Brendon being a lost puppy. Or maybe she’s the lost puppy. Or there’s a lost puppy in her hair. I don’t remember, because this is all overridden by her last statement, where she admits to really, really needing another Botox injection.

This is girl is just so wrong on so many levels.

Roll end credits.

Searching For Signal: #146 - “Big Brother” - Season 12, Episode 11

We have our traditional review of the last episode, with the Announcer Guy enticing us with upcoming revelations about the “war of words” we only briefly glimpsed in the final seven seconds of that episode. Yes, I would like to learn more. So can you quit showing us shots of Rachel, lugging the twins around in “pre-back-surgery” pointless activities about the house? Let’s get to the shoutin’ match.

Sadly, not just yet.

We are treated once again to Andrew losing his mind during the Eviction Ceremony, outing the Hayden/Kristen showmance, and enraging everyone from Enzo to Mother Teresa (God rest her soul) in the process. This is followed by Diary Room sound bites.

Kristen, slightly whining: “We were SO careful.” Sister girl, you had sex on national TV, with Andrew clutching his Yom Kippur in the next bed. How was that playing it on the down-low?

Lane: “I thought they was cousins. Turns out they was KISSIN’ cousins!” Then he leers suggestively, probably because he knows all about keeping it in the family and has the Polaroids to prove it.

Hayden: Now I actually have to work to stay in the house, damn it. Is my hair still sexy?

Britney, getting all Perez Hilton: “While the voting is going on, all hell is breaking loose!”

Cut to the hell breaking loose in the Couch Room as people slip off to vote. Yep, there’s some breaking here. Hayden and Kristen are denying everything that Andrew is saying, which means they are lying out their butt. Andrew doesn’t back down, insisting that he is telling the truth, which he basically is, just with some colorful embellishments thrown in.

Back to the Diary Room, with Kathy: “Andrew, thanks for keeping me in the house!”

Rachel: “This could be a good thing!” Then the echo of her booming voice rebounds off the walls and knocks her to the floor.

Matt: “We need to get the attention off of Hayden and The Brigade.” No, you don’t. I don’t want you to. People need to know what’s going on with Mensa, Hairy Met Kristen, Incest Cowboy, and the New Jersey pussy. Anybody with me on this?

Anyway, we finally get to the shoutin’ match. Rachel has just won HOH. She actually starts the mess by yelling “Floaters, you better get a life vest!” Several people take offense to this, especially Kristen. Harsh words are exchanged. When Kristen again tries to deny knowing anything Biblical about Hayden, Rachel spits out “I heard you making out?” Oh? Well, we haven’t seen her hearing this, so it might be a lie. Then again, if Rachel’s ears are as big as her other body parts, those satellite dishes might have picked up a signal or two.

Ragan in the Diary Room: “I’ve been waiting for the hair-pulling! Praying for this moment!” Then Liza Minnelli walks in and thanks him for his performance last week.

Britney in the Diary Room: “This was perfect. The target on my back is getting smaller and smaller.” Just like your humanity towards other people!

Still more of the shoutin’ match, post-HOH. Rachel to Kristen: “My priority is to get you out!”

Kristen in the Diary Room: “Rachel, you are jealous of me?” Um, what would she be jealous of, Kristen?

Shoutin’ match again. Kathy makes the apparent faux pas of wandering up to Kristen and Hayden, hugging them both. Rachel ups her crazy another notch, hollering at Kathy and making threats. Kathy responds with “Hey, I love everyone, I’m not picking sides. We just need to get along.”

Crickets chirp as the rest of the house tries to understand this unfamiliar voice of reason and balance.

The shoutin’ match moves to the kitchen, because who wants to keep yelling when it’s really hot outside? Rachel and Kristen’s vocals are just as loud in here, reaching the point where Kristen throws the contents of her water glass to show that she bad.

(Quick shot of Matt and Ragan in the Swamp Room, giggling and wanting to see more.)

Finally, Brendon and Rachel go off to one of the rooms, where she does her requisite straddle-jump maneuver, ensuring that Brendon will have hernia complications in the coming days. He tries to get her to calm down. She doesn’t appear to know what this means, having just the one gear on her stick shift.

Enzo, Matt and Lane, somewhere. They don’t really know if Hayden and Kristen have bumped uglies or not, but Enzo thinks it’s time to get Kristen out of the house. Matty nods his head and Lane tries to remember if he changed his underwear today.

Hayden goes to get Rachel, and they mosey up to the HOH Room. Hayden: Sorry about my words out in the courtyard, heat of the moment and all that. They converse a bit, with Rachel eventually crying over the pressures of being pretty and having to yell a lot. (Hayden in the Diary Room: “Just trying to do damage control.”) But Hayden keeps lying and denying about Kristen to Rachel. She sniffs despondently, and fondles the pillow that she has affectionately named “Brendon’s Left One”.

Hayden and Kristen, in the odd room that seems to be entirely composed of a daybed. They are trying to console each other without touching, which must be a new experience, when Rachel actually comes in and tries to apologize to Kristen. But Kristen is not turning the other cheek. “I don’t accept it. And I never will.” Oh boy.

Hayden in the Diary Room: “What is Kristen THINKING?” Dude, you’re making an assumption there. Can she even do that thinking thing?

Enzo, Hayden and Lane again. Rachel is crazy. Kristen is crazy. How are we going to get out of this mess? (I don’t know. Maybe one of you should keep his pants pulled up?) Hayden basically agrees that he will support The Brigade over Kristen.

Time for Rachel to show off her newly remodeled HOH Room, which means that she gets to engage in more annoying screaming as she troops about the house and gathers the chickadees. Kristen refuses to join the parade up the curving stairs, and Rachel points this out as often as she can.

Inside the room, there’s the usual brown-nosing, as people fawn with extreme fakeness over Rachel’s copy of “Spice World” and her chemistry goggles. Britney throws up in the Diary Room.

Later, Kristen and Kathy on the daybed. Kathy: “It’s probably going to be us up there.” Meaning the eviction block. (Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m not going to back down from my friend.” Kathy is getting more and more points from me as the days roll crazily by.) Kristen: “I’m not going ANYWHERE. It’s on.”

Then we have Rachel making an appearance in a naughty, non-regulation cop uniform. She flits about and entices everyone to watch something on the monitors, where we are treated to Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg promoting their latest movie, “The Other Guys”. The houseguests gaze in rapture at this apparent slapstick fest. (Memo to Hayden: When you get out of the house and review the tapes, find the moment when they caught a reaction shot of you watching the trailer. Study it, and then don’t ever make that face again. Not cool.)

Anyway, you have to win the upcoming Luxury Competition in order to watch the entire movie. So we traipse out to the courtyard. They break into three teams of three, and then have to navigate a pretend car through an obstacle course. The first team (Lane, Matt and Britney) does okay. The second team (Kristen, Kathy and Ragan), not so much, mainly because Kathy seems to think the object of the game is to fall down whenever possible.

The last team (Enzo, Brendon and Hayden) goes on some type of testosterone-fueled binge, and they plow through the course, crashing through the final gate and landing in a formation that calls to mind certain gang-bang scenes in “Oz”. (Hayden in the Diary Room, about Enzo: “That guy loves to cuddle.”) They win the chance to see the movie. Rachel announces that, as HOH, she will be joining them. Reaction shots show Brendon becoming sexually aroused at the thought, with Enzo and Hayden looking disappointed that Lane and Matty won’t be joining them in the darkened viewing room.

Britney and Rachel take a bubble bath (Why not? What else is there to do with no cable TV?), sporting bathing suits at the moment, but certainly looking like they are practicing for a scene on that night’s “Big Brother After Dark” on Showtime. Both of them are trashing Kristen. (Britney in the Diary Room: “Hey, I gotta make sure I’m safe. So, bubble up!”) Britney: “Cool girls like to wear their pants higher than other girls.” (Shot of Kristen wearing high-waisted pants that basically reach her eyebrows.) Giggles and cattiness ensue.

Kathy in the HOH Room, with Rachel and Brendon. Kathy, trying to plead her case against nomination: “I’ve already struggled enough. I don’t wanna be punished for supporting Kristen if she has a bad day. I’m not a threat to you two.” Rachel: Doesn’t really seem to be moved either way, but she does bristle at the mere mention of Kristen’s name. Brendon: How do you even keep your eyes open with all that black gooky stuff?

Hayden and Kristen in the Pantry Room, because there’s not a bed and they won’t be tempted. Hayden: “You gotta talk to her.” Meaning Rachel. Kristen, eyeing some Tuna Helper on a nearby shelf and shuddering: “No!” Hayden: “Didn’t you come here to win? This is a game.” Kristen just stands there, trying to remember where the door out of this room might be.

Kristen, with great reluctance and excessive amounts of sighing, finally goes up to the HOH Room (Hey, did you hear that there’s a copy of “Spice World” in here? Woo hoo!) to meet with Rachel. (Brendon scurries out like lightning just struck.) Kristen: “We both said mean stuff. But I was never gunning for you.” Rachel, really not remembering her conversation with Kristen three days earlier correctly (the producers show us), still thinks that Kristen threatened to put Rachel up. (She did not.)

Rachel: “We were friends!” Kristen: “I didn’t turn on you.” Well, until you went crazy-ass at the HOH competition. Rachel: “I’m very emotional.” (Big shock.) Kristen: “I’m very rational.” Dramatic music plays as we try to determine if either of these girls actually understand what they are saying. Meanwhile, Brendon finds himself in a broom closet and tries to figure out what happened.

Brendon and Rachel in the HOH Room, for once not engaging in slap and tickle. Rachel: “I’m not sure if I’m putting Kristen up.” Brendon stops fondling his pectorals, surprised: “She played the emotional card? And you’re falling for it?” I think Rachel cries in frustration, but it may just be saline residue from the 47 other times she cried.

Then we have Rachel staring at the wall of photos, in the requisite, obviously-staged “Gee, I wonder who I’m going to nominate?” segment where she gazes upon her possible victims while wearing something cute. Then she marches over to the sliding glass door and bellows for the houseguests assembled on the patio to join her at the steadily-decreasing nomination table. (Seriously, they have to make people vacate the actual house so the HOH person can make decisions. People today are so coddled.)

Hayden in the Diary Room: “It’s best if it’s Kristen and Kathy.” How sweet. He already got the milk, why should he worry about the cow?

Kathy in the Diary Room: “I’m probably taking a bullet over a stupid catfight.”

Rachel in the Diary Room: “I want someone OUT who is coming after us.”

Anyway, Nomination Ceremony. Blah, blah, and Rachel fingers Kristen and Hayden.

Rachel: “I haven’t seen you two fighting to win this game.” (Fair.) “You’re gunning for me and Brendon.” (Sort of fair. Hayden has been gunning. Kristen has been painting her toenails.) “Bring it on.” (Not necessary. And somewhat stupid.)

We end with more Taxicab Confessions in the Diary Room.

Hayden: “I’m going to do anything I can do to get out of this.” Except brush my hair.

Lane, to Hayden: “You just need to get rid of your sister, your girlfriend, your boyfriend.” How many rodeo bulls have gotten the best of Lane?

Brendon: “Why can’t Rachel play nice?” Why can’t you realize that Vegas Girl is SO not focused? Flashy breasts can have their appeal, but they don’t necessarily make the house payment. Prioritize.

Rachel: “I want my enemy out of this house.” Really? Kristen wasn’t your enemy until you made her one. You need to settle down and think strategically.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Roll end credits.