10 Phrases In The Corporate World That Are Stupid and Pointless

1. “That’s a great coaching opportunity.”

Official Gloss: Thank you for this chance to make my employees even better than they already are.

Reality: I completely despise you for pointing out, in front of critical people that can affect my career, that one of my employees has done something so incredibly insipid that it directly reflects on my management skills. I will now plot a painful retaliation against you with every breath that I take. You suck.

2. “Work smarter and faster.”

Official Gloss: When times get tough and budgets get tight, if we all just band together and hold hands, the work will magically get done.

Reality: Us bigwigs have to make things look good on paper so the stockholders are happy and people continue to buy the product that we can’t possibly get to them on time. This means that you, the peon employee, must do the work of 7 people with no overtime pay. You’re screwed.

3. “Think of the customer.”

Official Gloss: Do the right thing to ensure the happiness of our customers.

Reality: If we would only do the right thing to begin with, we wouldn’t be having this emergency meeting where the Director of Escalations is pulling a power play cloaked in a fake show of concern for the customer. And we wouldn’t need a Director of Escalations. The mere fact such a position even exists belies the fact that something is rotten in Denmark.

4. “Circle the wagons / Circle back.”

Official Gloss: Let’s all pull together and work out the issues.

Reality: We don’t have any idea how to fix this crap that‘s been going on for a while, so we’re going to have a big-ass meeting and invite everybody we can think of and hope that somebody has a clue what we need to do.

5. “My door is always open.”

Official Gloss: Even though I am a god-like executive, you can just wander in my office anytime you’d like and we’ll chit-chat.

Reality: You will be shot on sight if you come anywhere near me. Assuming that you can even swim to the yacht where my “office” is located.

6. “Service Level Agreement.”

Official Gloss: A handy, mutually-agreed-upon document describing how two intra-company organizations can help one another succeed.

Reality: One of the “partners” in this relationship has the political upper-hand, and is thereby demanding that the other partner sign off on completely unrealistic commitment times that cannot possibly be met without a total restructuring of the entire planet. The lesser partner is now the greater partner’s “bitch”. Suffering ensues.

7. “Diversity.”

Official Gloss: We’re going to have special classes and webinars and “cultural” events to show that we love everybody. We’re even going to have a Director of Diversity, because when you name a director, well then, doesn’t that solve the problem?

Reality: The special classes consist of brief online tidbits wherein people act out skits showing scripted respect and adoration for co-workers that they normally wouldn’t have anything to do with. The webinars are run by managers who can’t even properly say “Iraq” or “gender identity”. And the cultural events consist of an “international cuisine” day where the office cafeteria celebrates our neighbor Mexico by offering nachos at a special serving station where somebody has plopped a dusty sombrero as decoration.

8. “Piggyback on an idea.”

Official Gloss: I’m going to totally champion your concept by adding a few supportive comments.

Reality: I don’t like your idea at all, because it means that I actually have to do some work, but I’m going to act like it’s the greatest idea ever and hopefully gain all the credit because I was the last one to speak and that’s what people will remember.

9. “We’re a green company.”

Official Gloss: We love the planet!

Reality: But only on the one day when we are sponsoring the “Recycle Toner Cartridges!” campaign. The other 364 days we don’t care what the hell you do, just don’t impact the departmental budget in a negative way. And quit bitching about having seen the cleaning staff throw the paper products into the regular garbage despite the fact that you have a special trashcan (that we made you pay for) just for recyclable items. That hypocritical activity is considered proprietary information and cannot be shared with the public.

10. “I see what you’re saying.”

Official Gloss: I respect your valid and reasonable position on the matter.

Reality: But you are completely wrong. My idea is way better. And because I’m the Director of Diversity and currently riding the wave of buzzy catch-phrases, I am going to demand a Service Level Agreement from your organization wherein you can never again dispute any of my commands. Circle the wagons, coach your players, work smarter and faster until you have a mental breakdown, and never, ever knock on my door. This is America, and you’re completely on your own unless the newest catch-phrase happens to be “Support the actual working class of this country.” Good luck with that.


To Be Continued…

10 Creative Reasons for Leaving Work Early on Friday Afternoon

  1. The “fake food poisoning” approach.

  Eat at your desk, but purposely do not finish all of it. Find something odd that you can mix into the remaining food, like cough syrup or pencil shavings. Stir until the mess is completely unrecognizable. Leave your fork jammed into the goo like you were trying to take another bite but just couldn’t do it. Get a wet paper towel from the bathroom and keep it nearby.

  Wait until you hear your boss coming near your cube.

  When you do, quickly moisten your forehead so that it looks like you’ve been sweating profusely, smear a little bit of the goo on your chin like you’ve lost certain motor skills, then begin to moan loudly. Time it so that, just as your boss enters your cube, you can feign a woozy spell, clutching at your chair to keep from falling out. Look at your boss with sad and miserable eyes, and say “I never should have ordered the tuna surprise.”

  If your boss looks a bit skeptical, quickly snatch up some of the goo on the fork and hold it out. “Can you take a bite and see what’s in it? The emergency medical personnel might ask when I’m unconscious.” Wave the fork expectantly.

  You should be headed out the door in a few minutes.

  2. The “surprise visit from an out-of-town relative” approach.

  Use your office phone to call your cell phone, making sure your cell is on both audible AND vibrate to create extra commotion. Put yourself on hold and answer the cell. Fake a conversation, acting first very surprised and then totally elated, ending the call with “Oh, it’s no problem at all. I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

  Rush into your boss’ cube, babbling excitedly about the joys of family rolling over the horizon in a covered wagon, come a calling. Now, bosses really don’t care for families, so this next bit is tricky. You have to provide too MUCH detail, to the point where your boss is exasperated and will finally send you on your way just to shut you up.

  Talk about how this relative was your favorite when you were a child, because she always made cocoa when you stayed over and would let you wear her dresses and pretend to be in a fashion show. (This bit is especially effective if you identify as male.) Rattle on about the time you went on a Kumquat Tour in eastern Europe, and one of you got arrested for public nudity. Hint at the dark time when your relative was strung out on back pain meds and you had to get Pastor Hornbuckle to do an Intervention. (Wipe away a fake tear for dramatic realism.)

  As a grand finale, pretend to reach for family photos in your wallet. This should be the kicker to obtain your release.

  3. The “fire alarm diversion” approach.

  Locate a microwave in some distant corner of the building, near people you don’t know so you won’t care when they get upset about the upcoming destruction. Throw in a packet of popcorn, set the thing for 400 minutes, hit start, then discreetly run like hell back to your cube. Wait.

  When the fire alarm goes off and everybody piles out of the building, slip away to the parking garage and go home. If you are questioned on Monday about your sudden disappearance, claim that you completely misunderstood what the alarm meant, so you would really appreciate it if your boss could set up a training class in Noise Identification and Management. Smile brightly, as if all you’ve ever wanted is to do the right thing, but you realize that you’re a little slow.

  4. The “my kid brother done messed up again” approach.

  Make another fake call to your cell phone, this time reacting with outrage and disappointment. March to your boss’ cube, looking sheepish and embarrassed. Explain quietly that your brother is in jail again and Momma can’t fetch him because she’s at the Warthog Festival over to Abilene. Don’t mention a specific crime, just keep referring to “his problem” in a dark manner, indicating that his offenses cannot be spoken aloud. Cry if you need to do so. (I’ve found that an Altoid placed against the eyeball works wonders.) Throw in phrases like “it’s tearing Momma’s heart out” and “Christian thing to do”. Fondle the cross on the necklace that you aren’t really wearing.

  5. The “my computer locked up and I can’t get anything done, dang it” approach.

  Open up every single program on your desktop and make them do something that will decimate your memory. Now, go out to the Web and find some obscure but mammoth program that you don’t really need or want. Download the setup file and kick it off. When the desktop warns “It is strongly advised that you close all open programs and light a prayer votive”, completely ignore this advice. Click “Install Now” and cross your fingers.

  6. The “passive aggressive “ approach.

  Make sure no one is looking, then take a rock and throw it at the head of someone in a neighboring cube. Immediately begin typing on your keyboard as if that’s all you’ve been doing for the last three days. From this point forward, deny everything, despite whatever proof might be presented. At the right emotional moment, fake a small break with reality and run out of the building, screaming words like “discrimination”, “my lawyer” and “Jamaican Rub”.

  7. The “morally distraught” approach.

  Call your friend that you know looks at porn on the Internet 23 hours out of every day. Have him/her email you photos of people and/or animals doing things that would make even Tommy Lee scratch his head. When you receive them, scream in horror and knock over your chair in shock. (If everyone around you is on calls or otherwise engaged, you’ll have to scream loud and long enough for them to come running. You need an audience for this.)

  Once the crowd has gathered, proffer the salacious material on your screen with a trembling hand, refusing to look. Really play this up, tearing at your hair and asking co-workers for nausea medicine. When your boss finally wanders over, wondering if he missed a meeting, kick it into overdrive, bellowing that you feel so dirty that you must immediately run home and wash away the filth.

  8. The “Diversity” approach.

    Diversity is the corporate buzzword these days, so this one should be fairly easy. Explain to your boss that you just found out that people in Sweden don’t work afternoons on Fridays, some type of religious thing that is very dear to their culture. Since you get calls from Swedish people all the time at work (your boss, like all bosses, has no idea what you do and therefore wouldn’t know WHO you talk to all day), it’s only right that you leave early on Friday’s as well, so as not to offend your Swedish customers. If your boss appears to balk at the idea, just keep repeating the word “diversity” until she gets scared and starts looking over her shoulder for Human Resources to show up.

  9. The “oopsie” approach.

  Very simple. Splash water in your crotch and then ping your boss to come visit your cube. When they show up, briefly display your wetness, then explain that you were on a really long conference call, needed very badly to use the restroom but couldn’t because you didn’t want to miss anything that might affect your work group, and now you’ve wet yourself. Your boss will be too stunned to even think of a reply. Leave.

  10. The “I’m just gonna run down to the corner store and pick up a pack of cigarettes” approach.

  Run down to the corner store. Keep going. Worry about an excuse on Monday morning.