Backup Dancers From Hell: Jennifer Lopez featuring Lil Wayne - “I’m Into You”

Editor’s Note: One of the most soul-damaging things I deal with as a music video reviewer is seeing the phrase “featuring Lil Wayne” in the title of a clip I’m about to watch. I have no idea why this little man is even remotely popular, and it sucks the life out of me to see his name. But since this is really Jennifer’s video, and I love me some J-Lo, I’ll try to be strong…

We start off with some dude running out of the ocean at night, heading up the beach. Jennifer and her pretty necklace spy him doing so, and she seems quite pleased with what she sees, even though she’s wearing sunglasses at night and probably can’t see a damn thing. (It’s all in the acting, right?) Since the guy seems to be taking a little while to get to her, Jenn fiddles around with a can of soda and makes sure that her glistening skin is being captured correctly by the cameraman.

Finally, Stud Boy makes it to the chair where Jennifer is lounging, and he’s definitely worth the wait, with pectorals bulging and a chiseled jaw that could jackhammer concrete. But instead of them falling into a passionate mashup of beautiful people, Jennifer looks the other way as if she doesn’t really care for what’s on the menu.

Cut to a shot of some Mayan temple out in the jungle, with overhead clouds moving faster than they should, and everything’s in black-and-white, so this is probably the artsy part of the video. Cut again to Jennifer wearing a metallic outfit and assuming poses that would look really appropriate in a Karate Kid movie. Then we’re flying over the ocean and looking at more old buildings where people don’t live anymore.

Then we start jumping all over the place. Brief shot of Jennifer wearing a headdress for no apparent reason, then she’s splashing about in the waves while wearing that metallic thing. (Shouldn’t she be worried about rust and such?) Stud Boy shows up, and it seems that he might be clutching Jennifer to his side, but since the camera is mostly focused on his beard stubble, he could be clutching anybody. More shots of Jennifer strutting around at the Mayan temples and showing us that she has a billowy dress that matches the headdress that doesn’t make any sense. Good for her.

The jump-cutting settles down for a little bit as we see J-Lo reclining on the beach, using Stud Boy as her air mattress. Then we have a long series of shots where Jennifer and Stud Boy are making it very clear that things between them are wet and sweaty, and that Jennifer feels it is very important that she grab one of his pecs every two seconds. Or maybe she’s just trying to push them out of the way so the camera can see her pouty lips.

Another long bit where Jennifer runs through the crashing waves while still wearing that metallic mini-dress, shaking her hips like a jellyfish just stung her in a personal place. Luckily, Stud Boy and his chest is there to save the day, so J-Lo makes sure to show her appreciation by rubbing against whatever body part he manages to offer.

Now we’re inside one of the Mayan temples, and Jennifer staggers out of some side room where they apparently have some really strong blow-dryers, because her hair is now jacked to Jesus and she’s squinting her eyes like her retinas have been burned off. No matter, J-Lo is a trooper, and she continues to wail the song even though she can’t see where she’s going and keeps getting her mammoth hair stuck on the stone walls.

Next up is Jennifer traipsing around outside the temple, gettin’ down with the stone steps and trying to keep that hair from upstaging her. Then she’s back inside, then she’s back on the beach, then she’s on the side of the temple again, posing like an African Princess even though the genealogy doesn’t really add up, then she’s back inside, and outside, and… how does Marc Anthony keep up with her? Geez.

The jump-cutting continues, with Jennifer appearing all over the place in her interesting couture. The theme for this segment seems to be that J-Lo likes nothing more than to use her hands to accentuate her breasts and her flawless face. That’s fine. Hey, if you got it and can market it, knock yourself out. Just be careful with that hair. I’m thinking that’s a fire hazard, so she probably needs to stay away from open flame.

To allay our fears about spontaneous hairdo combustion, Jennifer jumps into the ocean and gets herself all wet. In more ways than one.

Then we have Jennifer lounging on top of a stone wall, sporting another metal outfit, this one composed of what looks like pieces that someone stole from a science geek’s Erector Set. (Smart move on J-Lo’s part, reaching out to the nerds on their own terms.) Sadly, Jennifer is unable to move while wearing this obviously weighty gear, so she lets her lips do all the acting.

We change things up a bit by heading back into the temple, where Jennifer and two of her closest backup dancers have decided to do some Mayan choreography. Drums are involved, along with the ability to gyrate your crotch in a manner that would normally result in a pineapple smoothie being handed to a customer.

Then we’re back out on the beach, with Jennifer and Stud Boy enjoying the crashing waves and the fact that they both have nipples. This triggers a revisit to all of the outfits that Jennifer has worn up to this point, including the Science Project contraption where Jennifer can’t get off that one wall but she still looks pretty. We wrap it up with J-Lo performing a really bouncy dance on the beach, and then doing some serious lip-lock action with the man who raced out of the ocean at the exact moment that she needed some pectoral muscles that could save her from evil blow-dryers in a Mayan temple.

That final sound you hear is Marc Anthony calling his personal trainer…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube…

Backup Dancers From Hell: Porcelain Black featuring Lil Wayne - “This Is What Rock N Roll Looks Like”

  Note: Explicit version. Not that you should be surprised since Lil Wayne is up in the grill. And in return, I get a bit saucy myself…

  We start out with a young Porcelain, her hair already doing the split personality thing, innocently walking along outside her school and fiddling with some trashed-up Barbie dolls. Up march three uppity tween girls who tease and torment poor Porcelain, until a miniature Lil Wayne, dreds a-flopping, runs up and scares off the little Sarah Palins.

  Cut to 9 years later, and things have changed slightly. Here comes growed-up Porcelain and her posse sashaying onto campus in their slut-girl outfits, attitudes flying and middle fingers flipping. As the stunned Good Girls look on in horror, causing them to drop their Pottery Barn brochures and all, Porcelain and crew tromp along in High Spectacle mode, knocking people over and getting tangled in one another’s body jewelry.

  Porc and the Gang then head to the library (how in the hell did they know where that was?) and immediately proceed to trash the place while doing line dances and touching themselves suggestively. While that mess is going on, we start getting glimpses of our alternate story line, the one where Porcelain is squeezed into a tight leather outfit that matches her hair. There’s some type of throne chair as a set piece, but we’ll learn more about that later.

  Back at the library, the Posse keeps doing their lusty line dances while Porcelain strikes poses to ensure we understand that she has a vagina. Oh, and breasts. Don’t forget those. She sure doesn’t. Zip over to the Throne Room, where Porcelain does the first of a series of moves to show that she really, really loves that chair.

  The rampage in the library continues, with Porcelain twirling her puffy blue boa jacket over her head and punching at the camera. Eventually she comes across more of the Good Girls, trying to do some studying or maybe figuring out what to do with all of Daddy’s money. Porc and the Gang immediately start throwing things all over the place and shoving their hoo-hoo’s in everybody’s faces. Which is such a thoughtful thing to do, yes?

  Meanwhile, Throne-Loving Porcelain is doing things with her tongue, bucking about on Corinthian leather, and showing us all the different ways that her legs can do the splits. I stopped counting at four, when she basically opened a beer bottle without using her hands.

  Once the library has been destroyed, both physically and emotionally, Porc and the Gang head to the cafeteria, where we basically have a repeat of the previous shock and awe. The only thing that’s really different is that Porcelain has stopped off at her locker so she can change into another outfit. Why she bothered, I don’t know, because everything she wears leaves little to the imagination, so what’s the point?

  The gang stomps around some more, knocking lunch trays out of people’s hands and continuing with their obnoxiousness, terrorizing folks who just want to eat their fruit cup and get back to actually learning something that will help them get a good job later in life. I’m assuming that advancement in life is a concept that Porcelain has never really considered.

  Apparently not satisfied with the mayhem and destruction so far, Porc and The Gang then waltz their nasty asses to the gym, where a pep rally is taking place. Porc and her fellow JD’s knock some cheerleaders aside and then proceed with another line dance that involves inexplicable anger and the need to thrust personal body parts toward one and all.

  Have I mentioned that Porcelain is really proud of the fact that she has a vagina? Just checking.

  In another example of why this country has serious issues, everybody in the bleachers leaps to their feet in a frenzy of adoration for the Skanky Ho’s and their inability to function in society in a respectful manner. Really? The mind boggles.

  Just when I think we’ve reached the bottom of the barrel, here comes Lil Wayne, strutting into the gym and proving me wrong. Once more, the crowd goes wild for another “musician” whose central claim to fame is that he can fondle his crotch to the beat of a song.

  Pause the video at 2:56. What woman on this planet would seriously want some of that?

  The insanity continues, with Lil Wayne rapping about how girls just can’t wait to service his hardware, while Porcelain does everything she can to get impregnated by Lil Wayne while flipping her hair around and doing squat thrusts. We pan to the audience, where even the parents are applauding the smack talk and the thong abrasions.

  Cut back to Throne-Loving Porcelain, as she invents new ways to straddle furniture in the most trashy way possible. (Porcelain to her future love child: “Yes, sweetie, your daddy was a mahogany arm rest. I thought you should know before people started to talk.”) Then we’re back in the gym, where there’s so much pelvic gyration that you fully expect the Earth to get knocked out of its axis.

  And this goes on for a while, with Lil Wayne being very proud of his penis, Porcelain being very proud of her cooter, the groupie backup dancers being very proud that they have a job no matter what it is, and the parents, coaches and schoolteachers being very proud of a pep rally that has turned into a Festival of Sex and Boasting. Oh, and Porcelain continues to personally lubricate every inch of that throne.

  There’s a bit where Throne-Loving Porcelain actually smears her gothic lipstick all over her face. I think this is the only real moment in the video. Just sayin.

  The madness eventually stops when Porcelain throws her microphone on the floor and the song ends.

  News flash to Porcelain: This is NOT what Rock N Roll looks like. This is what out-of-control narcissism looks like. That’s probably a word you need to look up in the dictionary. Too bad you and your vagina destroyed the library…

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.