Five After Midnight: Chunk the Chicken

Five paragraphs, one topic, deep in the night.

  Okay, this whole Chick-fil-A mess, with the president of the company coming out against gay folks and claiming we should follow the “biblical interpretation” of marriage. Now we have an uproar (this shouldn’t have surprised anyone, especially the PR folks at Chick-fil-A), with folks taking both sides and blasting away in social media. And initially, it didn’t really bother me that much. I’d heard rumors that Chick-fil-A donated to anti-gay causes, so when Dan Cathy (there’s a split-personality name for you) made his announcement, it was a done deal. I wouldn’t be going there again.  A company taking an anti-gay stance is nothing new (hello, Exxon-Mobil). Bigots can rise to power anywhere, and there’s often little or no legislation to prevent discriminatory activity. (In over half the states in this country, it’s perfectly legal to fire someone for simply being gay. Didn’t realize that? You should.)

  But then two talking points started rearing their heads, and those points got my little blogger-ass all fired up and typing. First, folks on the conservative side started screaming about the folks on the progressive side attacking a man’s right to free speech. (And the right-wing politicians latched on to that and ran with it, bellowing about how the progressive response was attacking a founding principle of our nation. The right-wing loves the Constitution and the Bill of Rights. Except when it doesn’t agree with their political platform. Then they just ignore all those founding documents and founding fathers who didn’t want any of that religion stuff mucking up the law of the land.)

  The right-wing is correct on the first part of the issue. Dan Cathy can say whatever he wants. Free country, for the most part. But if you say something, you own it. You can’t get mad when people are offended by what you’ve said. And trying to stifle any reactionary comments is violating the free speech of the people who aren’t happy about the words that came out of your mouth. You can’t have it both ways. So the freedom of speech angle is a wash, Rush Limbaugh. (And by the way, Rush, calling the mayors of Boston and Chicago “Stalinist” for not allowing new Chick-fil-A’s to open further underscores your misunderstanding of world history, evolving social culture, and your worthlessness in society.)

  But the more pressing point, for me, is Dan Cathy’s insistence that his company is based on biblical principles.  Really, Dan? Okay, this takes us back to the right-wingers picking and choosing when it comes to founding documents, religious or legislative. If you want to justify your bigotry with a particular resource volume, you’ve got to follow every rule in that book. But I’m pretty sure your employees wear uniforms made of mixed fibers. That’s not allowed. And the pork thing? It’s unclean, but you’re serving it with your bacon and sausage platters. I could go on for a while. And when you mix in your conflicting statement of  “we don’t discriminate but we think some people don’t deserve the same rights as others”, well, you’re just proving how hypocritical you really are.

  Final note, though, is a grand thing in my eyes: We’ve passed a pivotal point. It’s no longer backlash-free to be openly homophobic. People are going to call you on it, as decent people should. Yes, we still have bigots with money, and politicians who insist on scape-goating  people who are different. (Seriously, one of the central tenants of the Republican platform is to find minorities to stigmatize so that close-minded folks can feel superior and cast their votes in the red column.) But there’s considerable fallout now.  Chick-fil-A may come out of this just fine, especially with the deep-pocket rich conservatives scrambling to protect  their dying philosophy of dividing and conquering. But the next company might hesitate to make a similarly offensive PR statement. And the company after that might not consider it at all. And thus another brick is laid in the painful, lurching path toward human decency…

10 Strategies From The Republican Jacked-Up Playbook

1. Pray Away The Gay Today, Hey Hey

  This is one of the cornerstones of our cult. Any time you are in a situation where you need to misdirect guilt, blame the gays. Gays are responsible for everything that is wrong in our lives and this great corporate nation of ours. Point fingers and talk about Jesus casting them out of paradise. (Side note: Mixing Jesus and homophobia should be at the top of your Republican recipe list, up there with Fake Soldier-Support Soufflé and Anti-Abortion Antipasto.)

  If someone wants to know why you are trying to de-fund Medicare, explain that it’s the only way to stop same-sex couples from holding hands in a recovery room. If people question your slashing of school budgets, tell them it’s the only way to prevent classes on interior design and humanities, two breeding grounds for homosexuality. And if one of the two remaining reporters in the world who has not been bought off happens to spot you slipping out the back door of a gay nightclub wearing nothing but a studded-leather jockstrap and a satisfied smile, say you are doing “research” for Marcus Bachmann.

2. Taxes Are The Devil’s Work

  Under no circumstances should you ever appear to be supporting tax increases, at least for the super-rich and our citizen corporations. (Be sure to keep taxing the lower and middles classes, because somebody has to pay for all the crap we have, right?) And don’t be troubled by the stupid poor people who die because they can’t afford to pay their medical bills. (Fewer living poor people means less votes for the opposition and better parking spaces for our Humvees. Yay!)

  Remember, never back down from this stance, no matter what. This is the only idea we can ever get an entire room of Republicans to agree on, so it’s like our official motto and stuff. If we waffle on this, then people might question other things we do, and we sure as hell don’t want some of those rocks looked under. Got it?

3. Say Whatever You Want On Television

  We own the media, so we can take whatever dumb-ass thing you said and spin it into something else completely, preferably a rebuttal that blames Obama for something we did. So just relax and be the bigot we all know you are. Ain’t no shame in the hatred game, sayin.

4. Pay No Attention To History Books

  Thankfully, most people don’t read those nasty things, anyway. But if you run into someone who insists on quoting from that trash, be prepared to deny that whatever they are talking about actually happened. Things like the Holocaust, Emancipation and Separation of Church and State. Besides, a homosexual probably wrote those lies, and Jesus doesn’t want you to read such flighty filth. If all else fails, we can just revise the voting districts so that the common people have no actual say in what their insipid children learn. (Like they can even afford to go to college anymore. Puh-lease.)

5. Fundamentalism Is Fierce!

  In any situation where you need to inject religion into the discussion (which is every situation), always take the most extreme anti-progress position you can. As we all know, enlightened human thought is a critical threat to our mission statement. Stick with the basics: fire, brimstone, enslavement of the masses, and unimpeded power at any expense. It doesn’t matter if you actually believe what you are saying, the important thing is to say it and get the votes. The end justifies the desecration.

  Oh, but even if you don’t really buy all that biblical stuff, be sure to go to church at least twice a month and wave at the cameras as you go in. (See special section in the appendix concerning “How to protect yourself from spontaneous combustion in the House of the Lord”.)

6. Responsibility Is Highly Over-Rated

  With only a few possible exceptions (sorry about all that “ethics violation” mess back in the 90’s, Newt, we didn’t own as many newspapers back then, our bad), you will probably not be held accountable for your actions. Do whatever you need to do to further our agenda, even if you don’t understand the agenda or you break several laws in the process.

  There is only the tiniest risk that you might be arrested, and that risk is far outweighed by the healthy balance on your bank account statements. Besides, if people start nosing around, look for the nearest Democrat, lesbian, or welfare recipient and blame them, even if they were out of the country or not even born when you screwed people over. We’ll take it from there.

7. Pander, Pander, Pander

  Read the polls. Immediately change your speeches to agree with those poll findings, even if they are the complete opposite of your past, documented standing. (Unless the poll says rich Republicans are getting away with robbery. We will shoot you if you agree with that. Dick Cheney is on standby.) Swear that you will never change your new position. Then immediately change it if the next poll has a different outcome.

8. Equality Is Evil

  We were not all created equally. That’s just some communist crap that Thomas Jefferson came up with before we deleted him from history, at least in the Texas schoolbooks. Men are better than women. (With a hall pass given to Michele and Sarah, who have managed to bring in a contingent of horny male voters who inexplicably find them attractive.) Men have the full right to govern a woman’s body in whatever way they see fit. It says this in The Bible and in Playboy, and that’s all we need to know.

  Side note to the females we sleep with when our wives are off having plastic surgery: Don’t get bitchy. For clarification, see the articles in the appendix entitled “Testosterone Is God’s Natural Selection” and “Balls Are Da Bomb, Even If They Be Tiny”. And don’t forget that we can take away that 19th Amendment just as easily as we took away the rights of most Americans with that Patriot Act thing we shoved through when everybody was busy mourning and not paying attention.

9. Special Section On The Rick Perry Thing

  Let’s just say that some part of George Bush Two understood that he had some manner of misfiring in his noggin, and mostly chose to allow others to speak and do for him. But Rick? Well, he actually feels that the “Book of Rick” was somehow left out of the Bible, and that he is indeed the Messiah of the Morons. And we’ll let him have that title, because he does get brownie points for the sheer arrogance he displays, and us Republicans sure do love to love ourselves.

  Still, we’re not really happy with him right now, because you can’t fix stupid. But if he does manage to get our nomination (hey, Newt could get caught with another hooker at any moment), you still need to vote for him. Because we would much rather see our country destroyed than have a Democrat in the White House for a second term. (See article in appendix: “Don’t Let a Democrat Win Again Or Homosexuals and Vegans and Actual Patriots and Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren and People Who Are Just Decent and Fair-Minded Will Get This Country Back On Track Again and We Will Actually Have to Pay Our Fair Share of Taxes and Do The Right Thing.”)

10. “The Stepford Wives” Movie

  Why didn’t we include this concept in the Patriot Act? WHY? Send memo to Karl Rove demanding explanation. Arrange for extra bailout checks to national banks so that one of them can fund research into automated dummies to replace common citizens. Lie to reporters that we are doing this. Cross fingers that we once again get away with a total crapfest of wrongdoing, hypocrisy, white supremacy, blatant disregard for those not born with a trust fund shoved up their ass, and inability to understand that just because I said it, it doesn’t make it true.


Hold up, folks, our broadcast is being interrupted by a message from Occupy Bonnywood Manor, as they briefly take control of our airwaves before being arrested by Koch-Murdock Security:

  “Now is the time for all good men and women and however you identify to come to the aid of their country. One human, one vote. Live it. Be it. Refreshments are now being served in the non-denominational atrium. The cheese puffs are especially tasty. End trans…”

  Peace, y’all.

10 Unresolved Issues About This Rapture Thing

Dear God,

Hi! I just have a few questions…

1. The memos that I didn’t get.

I’ve checked all of the settings for all of my email accounts, even the secret one on testosteronedrippingmales.com. I don’t have anyone blocked, so I’m a little confused. What’s going on with this rapture business? Why have only certain people been made aware of this event, usually poorly-dressed beings with hygiene and social issues? Please advise.

2. The travel restrictions.

How many carry-ons are we allowed? And can we bring pets? Because I’m not really sure that I want to go anywhere without them. I mean, I’m fairly certain that they are innocent and untainted by the sins of mankind. Well, except for the one cat, who insists on shredding my legs as some type of feline sport. There’s certainly some work of the Devil going on there. I’ll just put some extra food in his automatic feeder.

3. The accommodations.

I’m sure that you’ve probably worked this out, being all-knowing and stuff, but I am a little concerned about my future digs. Is there enough space for all my worldly goods? Because, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m a blogger. This means I need lots of electronic equipment surrounding me as I comment on the society that I don’t actually participate in. I’m assuming that you still want me to carry on with this profession, although at a slightly higher elevation.

4. The couture.

I’ve reviewed the brochure, and I feel it my duty to point out that I don’t look particularly fetching in outfits fashioned out of bed sheets, all toga-style and such. This might seem a bit superficial, but since you’ve graced me with gayness, it’s only natural that I seek clothing more befitting of a style-conscious cloud dweller. I thought you‘d understand. And you do realize that we don’t wear white after Labor Day, yes? Please have your staff send a revised brochure for the rainbow people.

5. The bit about the repetition.

I realize that you are very busy, what with trying to keep the terrorists and the Republicans in line, but I do have a slight quibble to air. Could you maybe talk to some of your flock and explain to them that just because they are confused and troubled in their own lives, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the Complete and Total End of the World is Nigh? Perhaps I’m being a bit forward, but really, do we actually need this Fox-News-inspired fire drill every other week?

6. Those lingering, outstanding credit card bills.

Do we still have to pay them once we’ve been transported? Does Heaven accept certified mail, wherein gloomy lawyers make accusations and insist on payment? I have tremendous, untested credit limits that anxiously await your response.

7. The social nuances.

Will I still be able to follow my life-long, self-imposed guidelines of not talking to idiots and inbreds? I know that you love everyone, but I have not yet reached that level of forgiveness and enlightenment. Will the stupid people live in their own special quarters? This is something I must know before I sign any waivers or agreements.

8. The animal sacrifice thing.

We’ve moved beyond that, right?

9. The full extent of Gabriel blowing his trumpet.

I’m hoping you’re just parsing the people, not the planet. Because the beautiful bits of nature are not responsible for the disastrous actions of vicious, short-sighted, soul-rotted people who just want to make a buck. Let the majestic mountains remain grand and let the tiny flowers spring forth in the smallest cracks. Please and thank you.

10. The do-over option.

Would you mind terribly if I stayed behind this time? Not that I don’t want to be there, but the part of me that is actually gracious and hope-filled and truly concerned about decency… that part of me wants to stay and see who you have not chosen. I want to approach them on the deserted streets, Rapture ended, and slap their smug faces for trying to beat me down with their twisted interpretations of scripture, their blasphemization of what was truly intended.

I know this is small of me. I am small. But I’m trying to learn. I’ll catch up with you on the next go-around. Thanks for the invite. Peace.