Backup Dancers From Hell: Far East Movement featuring Stereotypes - “Girls On the Dance Floor”

Okay, a few confessions up front. I had no idea this group was so huge in the rest of the world, proving that I don’t get out much. Second, there are about 400 million people in this video, so I don’t know which people are from Far East Movement and which people are from Stereotypes. Besides, with all the hundreds of bouncing people and the thousands of shimmying breasts, I can’t tell what body parts belong to whom.

Oh, and because I don’t think any scene in this video lasts longer than 1.743 seconds, with constant jump-cutting from here to Buffalo and back, there’s no way I can develop a storyline to go with this thing. So I’m just going to make observational commentary at critical time points in the video. Ready? Go.

0:01 Some guy standing on a mountain.

0:03 Some guy trying to jump-start his crotch.

0:05 Some girl having sex with air.

0:07 More of the mountain guy.

0:09 Extended shot (for this video) of a girl being very friendly with a pillar.

0:18 Three guys trying to do the Macarena, but only one of them kind of remembers the moves.

0:19 Astronauts in a car.

0:23 People wearing tinfoil on stage.

0:26 Somebody screwing with a blue record on a turntable.

0:32 The Macarena guys are still trying to remember the steps.

0:40 Some guy throws a gold, sparkly purse at some paparazzi. Two people die.

0:47 Some guy is trying to swallow a microphone. His homeys keep dancing.

0:50 What’s up with that ponytail?

0:54 The two remaining members of TLC bump fannies while a lost cheerleader in the background tries to find the rest of her squad.

1:00 A woman’s chest is being attacked by colorful fishies. She raises her arm to signal for medical personnel.

1:05 The guy on the mountain has gas.

1:08 The astronauts in that car are really mad about something.

1:12 Chewbacca from “Star Wars” makes a cameo. No explanation is given. Nobody screams, so I guess things are okay.

1:14 Some guy grabs his crotch. Thank you, rappers of America, the need to fondle your junk has now gone global. Makes me proud.

1:17 Some drunk girl with an odd red belt thinks she’s all that. She’s not.

1:24 Some guy poses in front of a leftover publicity still from Fritz Lang’s “Metropolis”.

1:26 Slutty girls dance with a guy sitting on a toilet. Seriously. I can’t even begin to understand what this means. And I don’t want to.

1:30 Metropolis guy shows us how to count tequila shots. Thank you for that. Couldn’t have done it without you.

1:41 Are those guys flipping us off?

1:45 Toilet guy sings a few words while one of the sluts prevents him from gaining access to the seat liners. She mean. Then Toilet Guy takes a call while the sluts continue to dance. I think this scene right here might explain everything that has gone wrong in Society.

2:01 More astronauts. Shouldn’t these guys be trying to fly something somewhere?

2:03 Limber woman shows her cooter to anybody that wants to look.

2:09 Is that Eminem?

2:13 More bouncing.

2:26 Trying not to judge, but something about this shot says “Ku Klux Klan”.

2:30 Chewbacca proves that he got street moves. Not that he’s going to remember them in the morning.

2:27 Another girl having sex with air. Is this the new thing?

2:43 Moby?

2:49 Can that girl look any less impressed about being groped by a stranger?

2:52 Shout out to the lesbians in the audience.

2:58 Some girl on stage gets electrocuted. Poor thing.

3:06 Drunk girls holding signs. If they try really hard, they might find work at wrestling matches.

3:13 Drag queen gone wild.

3:18 Woman with exposed butt-crack proves that she likes metal accessories.

3:23 Chewbacca loses his mask. This would never have happened if George Lucas was in charge.

3:28 Astronauts, still not reporting for duty.

3:32 Guy on mountain tries directing us back to a place where things make sense.

3:34 Some girl doesn’t understand that “In Living Color” was cancelled a long time ago and she can’t be a Fly Girl.

3:41 People not understanding that you really shouldn’t stand up in convertibles traveling at high rates of speed. (Is that Michael Jackson leaning over the windshield?)

3:42 Confused individual dancing upside down, while a young Shania Twain watches from the right.

3:54 The song ends and the camera pans to some bright lights on the ceiling. I’m thinking the last thing these people need is more stimulation.

　

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Backup Dancers From Hell: Eminem - “Not Afraid”

Quick Note: This is Eminem, so the language gets a little salty. You probably don’t want to blast this if your grandmother is in the next room, crocheting booties for the Baptist Hallelujah Choir bake sale. She would not find it very spiritual. Unless she’s a drinker. Or used to be a rapper. I’m sure somebody out there has a drunken, rapping granny, so we shouldn’t judge.

We start out with Eminem standing on the edge of a roof of a very tall building. At first we think he might just be enjoying the scenery as he gazes out upon some city, since it’s a pretty day and all, and there’s a nice river floating by. But then the camera pans over his shoulder so that we can see straight down to the ground. And that ground is very far away. Ant people are dashing about, and the cars look like pepper flakes.

Eminem is clearly an idiot for standing where he is.

Then again, we all have issues. And perhaps, since the song is “Not Afraid”, Em is trying to show us that he’s… well, not afraid. But come on. I’m thinking there’s gotta be something a little less dangerous he could do to prove his courage. (Like head into rush hour traffic on the Dallas freeways in a car that can’t go faster then 50 miles an hour. THAT takes bravery. Those people will whip out a crowbar and beat your ass.)

We cut to Eminem in somebody’s basement, shoving what is apparently a very important piece of paper at us. (Did he flunk a spelling test again?) But before we can figure out what it is, he wads it up and tosses it to the side, which is kind of rude. (Quick shot of Eminem on the building ledge again, starting to jump around and stuff, which is ill-advised. Dude, save the fancy footwork for the basement scenes. It would be really impolite to fall one someone just trying to catch a quick smoke break. If they live, they probably won‘t buy your CD.)

Now we’re switching back and forth between High-Altitude Em and Dank-Underground Em. Both of them are really angry and waving their hands, but that just might be standard procedure, because most rappers are really pissed off about something. (Maybe it’s all that bottled, restrictive anger that keeps them from actually singing the words instead of just saying them.) Both of them like counting by holding up fingers, but they start with the pinky, which doesn’t seem right. Is that just me?

Quick shot of Basement Eminem sitting off to one side and holding his head. Maybe he’s sad about the really crappy condition of his basement. Man, have you ever heard of a broom? Sweep some of that crap up. And get rid of that lamp shade. It’s not doing anybody any good. But instead of trying to tidy up, Eminem starts throwing things around the room. Like that’s going to help.

Next we’re on a street somewhere, with a third Eminem, and I believe this one thinks he’s in “Saturday Night Fever” because we’re only seeing his feet trotting down the sidewalk. Whoops, there’s his face, and he’s angry, too. (Why are these people so unhappy? Would it kill one of his personalities to actually crack a smile?)

Now we’re cutting between the Three Faces of Em, although the one in the basement is the most entertaining. (He’s doing some very intricate hand-and-arm choreography where he demonstrates how to gut a fish and say the Pledge of Allegiance at the same time.) Rooftop Em is only stepping closer to the edge of the building and then back, which got old before the first chorus. And Em Travolta is just marching along without doing anything.

Oh, maybe I lied, because Streetwalker Eminem is now poised on the curb before a very busy street of traffic. Since he’s “not afraid”, I suspect he will waltz into the speeding river of cars without doing the double-check for clearance like they teach you in Jaywalking 101. And there he goes, angrily stomping to the other side of the street and narrowly missing getting splattered by several cars, a bus that looked like it didn’t have a driver (maybe there was a strike) and a bitter dump truck. He bad-ass. But once he steps on the other curb, it appears that he’s headed to a theater named “Newark”. Why would anyone want to go somewhere that reminds them of Jersey?

Meanwhile, Basement Eminem is really working himself into a tizzy, stomping all over the place and making gestures that one would normally associate with what a London hooker might have seen before Jack the Ripper made her posthumously famous. This might explain why he’s in the basement to begin with, having been locked away from society by a frustrated parent who was tired of him causing a commotion during Tupperware parties.

Oh look, Streetwalker Em didn’t go into that theater after all. Instead, he’s studying his reflection in the window of a parked car. Not sure what this is about, but he touches his jaw like it’s not really his, so maybe one of his other personalities is fighting to the surface. (Quick shot of Basement Em throwing a chair, because he’s really in control of his emotions.)

Street Em has now wandered into one of those funhouse hall of mirrors things, and he can’t figure out where he is. (If that damn cameraman would quit jump-cutting all over the place, maybe all of us could determine what’s going on.) Street Em finally has had enough of running about in the mirrors, and decides to just dive through one of the plate-glass walls. (Not an option I would take, but I’m not a rapper.) This causes Street Em to find himself laying in the middle of a street. Okay, then.

Meanwhile, Basement Em is punching away at the brick wall of his basement, letting in enough sunlight that half the cast of “True Blood” would disintegrate and cause some serious script revisions. Basement Em steps through into the light. (That sound you hear is his parents flooring the station wagon as they head for Florida.)

Back to Streetwalker Em, who follows the street he landed on and finds himself at the edge of the world. (Didn’t really see that coming.) The camera pulls back to show that, yep, if he takes another step he’ll be in a freefall that keeps on giving. Then again, Eminem’s “not afraid” so he plunges downward. We watch him plummet past some pretty waterfalls (just like TLC told us not to chase) until he suddenly stops falling and then boings back up into the air over the street he had just tried to leave. Poor guy can’t even kill himself.

Oh look, now Eminem has superpowers and is flying through the streets of the city. (Think “Iron Man 3: Flight of the Rapper”.) He zips along with enough force to shatter car windows and irritate those people outside coffee houses who insist on using laptops while sucking down caffeine. Before you know it, Eminem is back on top of the building where this whole mess started.

The song winds down with Rooftop Eminem and yet another personality who we’ll call Angel Eminem, because he’s bathed in white light, singing to everybody that if we just follow them, we’ll make it through whatever life has to offer.

But I don’t wanna. Because you people are doing things that just don’t seem all that healthy. It’s nice that you can sing a song about overcoming, glad it works for you. I’ll just sit here in my house. And take pills. Thanks, though.

　

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