Friday, January 15, 2010

Backup Dancers From Hell: Iyaz - “Replay”

Okay, folks, there are multiple versions of this video out there, for whatever reason. They all basically involve the same thing, with hot women wearing a tea bag as a bathing suit and Iyaz jumping around and grabbing his crotch. The two most popular versions seem to be the “street cred” video with Iyaz wearing bling and the “Ivy League” version where he wears a preppy sweater in a few scenes.

I decided to go the sweater route, because apparently that outfit somehow restricts his arms a wee bit and he’s unable to juggle the rocks as much as he would like. Trust me, this restriction is a blessing. After 34 shots of that hand being where it shouldn’t be in the “street“ video, you’re more than ready for something else.

And here we go…

We start out with Iyaz slipping on some fancy headphones, then glancing up at us seductively as the music starts. Then we quickly jump to a beach, where Iyaz is facing away from us, fiddling with what looks like a giant iTouch screen in the sky. (Wow, that’s really high-tech.) He’s flipping though a bunch of photos, and of course everyone one of them involves beautiful women dripping with desire and appearing on the verge of ripping off the last of their clothes.

Oh, and then we get to the preppy part, with Iyaz in the sweater, bouncing around in front of what looks like a giant flag of the Virgin Islands. Or at least I’m assuming it’s the Virgin Islands, since that’s where Iyaz grew up. Otherwise, who knows. Memorizing flag design is not something I take seriously.

Then we’re back to another beach scene, with Iyaz wearing the headphones from the first scene, sitting on the sand and jamming out. Wait a minute. We can clearly see the connector cord hanging down from the headphones. Where the hell does he have that plugged in? There’s nothing around him. Obviously, somebody didn’t think this shot through all the way.

We jump between these three locations for a while, then a new member of the cast starts appearing. We have quick shots of her lounging on the beach in what appears to be leopard-print muumuu of some type, all draped and heavy-looking. I’m sure THAT’s really comfortable in the hot sun. She’s fiddling with her sunglasses like she has a massive headache. Poor thing. Hey, maybe if you take off the Eartha Kitt outerwear you might feel a little bit better.

More jump shots involving Iyaz wearing the chastity-belt sweater, Iyaz sitting on the beach listening to music that can’t be coming from the prop headphones, and Iyaz fiddling with the women on the giant touch screen in the sky. Oh, and they throw in some palm trees here and there to remind us that Iyaz is from the Virgin Islands. Or that your life really sucks because you don’t live on a beach. Or something.

Then Iyaz wanders down the beach with some buds, comes across the leopard-print woman wallering around in the sand and trying to breath under the weight of her costume, and they instantly fall in love. She basically spends the rest of the video clinging to him like a snapping turtle.

Now we’re on one of those beaches at night, and there’s some type of party going on. We know this because everybody has their hands in the air as they shimmy around and smile knowingly at each other. To set the atmosphere, we have close-up shots of tropical fruit, bonfires, lit torches, and fruity beverages that no one is touching because they’re fake and don’t have alcohol.

And that Snapping Turtle girl? She’s pretty and all, but she clearly wasn’t hired for any other skill set. She certainly can’t dance, moving around stiffly like somebody lost a bowling pin and she just found it lodged in an unexpected place. She can’t remember where the camera is and keeps looking in the wrong direction.

And her mouth? Oh my. She’s fine when it’s closed and she just looks lost and confused. But when she opens it to yell “Hey!” along with the song? A crop-dusting plane could fly in and turn around without ever touching flesh.

And that’s about it. We spend the rest of the video jumping around these four scenes, although we spend the majority of time at the night-party on the beach, with everybody dancing like Iyaz is singing the most fantastic song they’ve ever heard and they can’t help but move. Sadly, these people also weren’t hired for anything other than the ability to smile on cue. They only know two basic dance steps, which they perform repeatedly until it looks like an aerobics class gone terribly wrong.

We end the video with Iyaz and Snapping Turtle alone on the beach, with a nice little bonfire in the background. The flames of the fire leap and spark, signifying that their lust is forever and there will never be a pre-nup in this relationship. As the song fades, they lean in for a kiss.

He better watch out for that plane….

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube:

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