Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Idiot Fondue: Case Study #21

This just arrived at the office, via State Department courier. Why the State Department would be involved in such a thing, I have little idea. Perhaps Hillary has made some interesting procedural changes:

Dear Dr. Brian: Is it really so wrong for a 45 year old woman to go around wearing tiaras large and glittery enough to be seen from the Space Station and referring to herself in the 3rd person as "HRH"?

HRH's Royal Secretary

And Dr. Brian responds:

Dear HRH Person,

What a delightful question you present, and your timing is impeccable. I have just returned from an extended stay with the Royal Court of Lithuania. Although I had initially been invited for consultative purposes, the situation turned into a vacation of sorts, as there was a small military coup shortly after my arrival. While the family dealt with the appropriate beheadings and such, I was given ample time for leisure activities.

As it turns out, I’m apparently something of a Royal Watcher. Prior to this realization, I had little interest in what privileged people might do when practicing absolute rule over their subjects. Seemed a bit boring and trite. But after several days in court, I began waking each morning in a flurry of excitement, racing down the gilded stairs to see the latest abuse of power.

The Lithuanians are VERY angry people. And they don’t forget things.

Anyway, I’m starting to ramble a bit, especially since I’m fairly certain that your situation has little to do with short, ugly people who do amazingly audacious things because the inbreeding has gone unchecked for many centuries. I merely mentioned my recent journey to show that I do have some familiarity with royalty and their mannerisms. The Lithuanians are not the only monarchs listed in my Blackberry.

So, you have a fondness for extravagant, jewel-encrusted headgear? This is really not all that unusual. Many people enjoy adorning themselves with status symbols. After all, this is one of the basic tenets of America. Your attire should reflect your standing in society. In fact, if you DON’T prance around in a distinguishing outfit of some kind, strangers will not know your station in life and therefore will be uncertain on how to conduct themselves in your presence.

In that sense, dear Crowned One, you are in fact doing a great service to mankind by helpfully letting everyone within a one-mile radius know that you consider yourself privileged royalty. This clears up any societal confusion, quickly establishes the proper etiquettes of dialogue, and ensures that you will be given the most commanding spot at the dining table, should nourishment be on the agenda.

As we all know, it’s very troublesome when those irritating free spirits refuse to conform to any type of dress code. If we don’t know what you’re wearing, we don’t know who you are. This can lead to the wasting of valuable time, as everyone in the room has to figure out the pecking order and determine who they can offend and who they cannot if the want to receive further invitations of a social nature.

You are doing a grand thing, indeed, HRH Person. Your exquisite breeding is shining through in a lovely aura that enhances your ravaging noble beauty.

Now, having run through all that and hopefully lulling you into a false sense of security and superiority, there ARE a few little quibbles that we must address. As you are the one who graciously approached ME with your concerns, I’m assuming that someone on your staff will be sending me a royal check. Thus, being in your employ, however temporary, it behooves me that I provide you with the counseling you desire in a manner that is useful without jeopardizing the cash flow.

I trust that the following advice will be taken graciously by Your Highness, with your delicate ear accepting the words as wisdom to strengthen your queendom and not as salacious slurs that could result in imprisonment in drafty towers. These are merely my humble suggestions to keep peace in the land and prevent tawdry revolutions where ugly people are rude, yell a lot, and storm things.

Firstly, could we possibly get you to remove the searchlights you have stationed at the end of the royal drive? I’m sure you only meant to highlight the location of your palace, and perhaps provide guidance to visiting foreign dignitaries. Such an action is kind and thoughtful on your part.

However, these searchlights are causing a bit of a situation. There has been an impact to local air traffic, with planes being thrown off course and forced to touch down in places that they would rather not, given a choice and the ability to retain their vision after one of your strobes blasts the cockpit. As I’m sure you’ll understand, cow pastures do not typically have adequate ground crews for impromptu arrivals, and the beverage service can be downright appalling.

Then there’s the matter of your decision to redesign the American flag. While I agree with you that the original layout of the flag could perhaps have used a bit more pomp and circumstance, I’m sure you realize that adapting the flag to better represent your stake in society is a bit forward. You have to let people vote on these things or they become cantankerous.

Besides, are you really satisfied with simply using a staple gun to affix your image to the flag? This really won’t do, even if the glass of wine told you otherwise. And surely there is a better representation of Your Highness other than a life-size cardboard cutout. (Where do you even have these made, pray tell?) The size of this image is just a bit ungainly, considering the standard dimensions of your typical flag, especially since you are sporting a crown that can physically compete with the Manhattan skyline.

And since we’re on the subject of altering public signage, perhaps we can discuss your incessant need to rename local streets so that they coincide with your visionary dreams. Granted, we all would like to live on boulevards with fancy names. Everyone would like something pretty to put on their business cards. It adds a nice touch of class.

However, this desire cannot always be feasibly satisfied. Spray-painting over the current street signs in your neighborhood, and then scribbling a new street name using an orange crayon does not alter reality. You do not live at “12 Pemberton Lane”. You live at Rural Route 7, Box 122. The cows in the neighboring fields can verify this statement.

I’m sure you’ll understand when I say that it’s really in your best interest to cease and desist with your attempts at redistricting. There’s a growing contingent of dissatisfied subjects who are tired of being unable to find their way home. They would like you to find another hobby, as soon as royally possible.

And now we approach one final item that is of an extremely delicate nature. I hesitate to even broach the subject, but after consulting national polls as well as live updates from CNN, a healthy discussion simply cannot be avoided. In order to ensure that your lengthy reign over the queendom will continue with a minimum of political controversy, it is critical that you heed the following advice:

Please stop making public appearances in the nude.

Granted, I’m sure that most of your subjects will heartily agree that you have an exquisitely-toned personage. That, in fact, there have been occasions when the morning sun striking your dewy body is a vision with little compare. Sensitive people have been known to weep at the sight.

However, those same subjects humbly request that you limit the number of viewing opportunities. As I’m sure your Royal Artist in Residence will confirm, even the most stunning work of art will lose its luster when you can see it every day in the produce section of the local supermarket as you select the evening’s dinner fare.

Yes, I understand that you take considerable pride in the baring of your regal topography, that you have an army of physical therapists to ensure that every feminine curve is divine. However, this extreme dedication does not necessarily sanctify your actions. Just because your pubic hair has been trimmed in the shape of the family crest does not mean that everyone should have a front row seat.

In summation, please discreetly alter your lifestyle so that the gaudy searchlights on your royal property do not cause commuter planes to suddenly crash to earth in an explosion of cow patties, remove the offensive staple-gunned American flag so that your neighbors will not be appalled when rushing to assist the crash victims, stop changing the street signs so that rescue vehicles can locate the downed plane, and by all means, do not rush out the back door of the palace, bellowing that you know CPR, while your pubis is uncovered. These people have suffered enough.

Thank your for your attention in this matter. Your Royal Highness.

In obeisance,

Dr. Brian

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