1. You can lose a tooth chewing on the carcass of a roasted pig.
Gotta say, this was one of the most startling challenges I’ve ever seen on the show. People with their hands tied behind their backs, using their mouths to rip meat off a defenseless creature and then racing to spit their treasures in a basket. Very surreal. I briefly thought I was at the Republican National Convention. Speaking of…
2. The three-second rule is apparently a universal understanding.
In that same pig-violating competition, Mikayla actually squatted down and mouth-snatched up a chunk of oink-meat that one of her teammates had dropped, throwing the recycled gristle into said basket, a dexterous move that probably propelled her team to the win, since they only won by two ounces. Mikayla, therefore, officially rocks, despite the constant slandering from a certain crazy man with some serious issues. Speaking of…
3. A Hantz is a Hantz is a Psychotic Land Mine.
Dear Brandon. You wanted to come on the show and restore respect to the family name after your uncle inspired a national disgust with all things Russell? Interesting. Yet you’re acting just like him, with lies and self-delusions and making crap up about other people because they are prettier than you and you secretly want them. And P.S.: Jesus is not on your side, mostly because you clearly haven’t read His Book. So stop pointing at the sky in a shameless plug for spiritual gratitude. If you’re lucky, that gesture might get you a taxi in New York City, but that’s about it. Speaking of…
4. The South Pacific is apparently the new place where everybody knows your name.
It seems that Coach’s real name is “Benjamin”, but he goes off the deep end if anybody dares to whisper said moniker in his presence. Benjamin? Dude, that is SO not worthy of a dragon-slayer, even though you’ve never actually slayed a dragon or, you know, won the game, so I can understand why you made up a name for yourself that is shorter, more authoritarian, and fancier-sounding. But still, no need for you and your faux rock-star hair to get all bent out of shape just because a certain person insists on calling you that. Speaking of…
5. People named Stacey don’t always…. stay.
Isn’t it ironic? Anyway, severe-eyed girl is all ate up with the bitterness, rudely calling people by their actual name and such, and spouting off on Redemption Island that all her former tribe members are liars and back-stabbers. (Honey, have you not watched the show before?) Just a suggestion, even though you are never going to be returning for an All-Stars show: Maybe you should think a second or two before engaging the speaking clutch. That short-circuiting mess of a speech, accompanied by unexplained facial spasms, that you made just before Christine trumped your butt on Redemption Island made people even more scared of you. Speaking of…
6. A billowing, printed blouse is perhaps not the recommended Survivor couture.
Christine, you clearly made a judgmental error with that Long Island-tribute frock. Did you really think it was wise to be thrown on a deserted island wearing something that Edie Falco would sport during a lost episode of The Sopranos? It’s hard to take you seriously when you come marching out in that thing, especially when accented by the grey tube socks. (And just where the hell did you find those?) But hey, so far you’ve been smacking down the challengers on Redemption, and I always like it when an underdog prevails. Speaking of…
7. Geeky people can be annoyingly persistent.
Dear John Cochran. Am I reading your bio correctly? You’re twenty-four? Could have fooled me. I keep expecting a daycare attendant to wander out of the jungle and burp you. Yes, you get a few hesitant points for being a super-fan of the show and all, but you don’t seem to be applying your knowledge in a helpful way. (Stop asking people if they want you to whack on a coconut. They’ll let you know, mmmkay?) Sometimes it’s just hard for folks to not judge a book by a cover, especially when your limited edition is so… special. Speaking of…
8. Apparently being on a pot farm can make you have really white teeth.
Okay, Jim is actually a “medical marijuana distributor”, so he may not actually be doing the plowing and hoeing, but you can see still his molars from Saturn and something is causing that. There’s something a little uncertain with this guy, can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s my gaydar going off even though he puts on a show of ogling the women. Maybe it’s the fact that he seems overly happy about mundane things like palm fronds. Or maybe it’s just those damn teeth. Speaking of…
9. Mormons can surprise you in many ways.
Dawn apparently went after that opening-act pig with enough gusto that she broke a tooth in half. That’s either very impressive or a statement about the quality of the water supply in Utah. And hey, she managed to win that competition where people had to stand around and hold heavy stuff on their shoulders for a long time while squatting in a very unfeminine way. Granted, she also managed to have a complete mental breakdown roughly two minutes in to the season, when most people were still learning each other’s names and trying to figure out how to wear a buff in the most sexually-alluring manner. But still, she’s done just fine on a show where they tend to knock off the older people really fast. Speaking of…
10. Half the population of Utah is apparently on this show.
We also have Rick, the rancher who listed his first hobby as “team sorting”. That’s a hobby? Wow. Other than that, and the fact that he’s 51, making him the oldest of this season’s crop (despite the fact that Coach’s body looks older), we really don’t know much about him. We usually only see him and his mustache for roughly three seconds on every episode. He’s on the down-low, his name never coming up for eviction, lurking quietly. Maybe it’s because he has that look where he might kill you in your sleep with a cattle-prod if you piss him off. Just sayin. Time will tell. Speaking of…
I’m out of it. Here’s a quick run-through of the other cast members: Ozzy - Dude, you seem to be laying back and just expecting to win like Rob did last season. Difference? Rob was strategizing and not swinging in a hammock. Albert - Your brightness wattage is a bit dim, but you can remain shirt-free all you want. Edna - Clingy much? Elyse - Guess that belly-button jewelry didn’t really get you what you thought it would, huh?
Keith - Every time I see you I’m distracted by the navigational tattoo in an odd place. Can’t get past that. Mark - The telling people one thing in private and then slamming them in tribal? Didn’t really work out, did it? Semhar - You did the spoken-word poetry and then got sent home. Something tells me you’re used to this kind of reaction. Sophie - There’s some strength here that we haven’t seen. Show it. And finally, Whitney - Dark horse that might just stumble into Final Tribal. My thoughts right now, might change tomorrow. Depends on what I order at Starbucks and how it pleases me.
That’s all I’ve got for you, head back to camp.
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