Friday, October 28, 2011

A Field Guide For Identifying and Classifying Republicans in Their Native Habitat

Thank you for selecting Lefty Blue’s Animal Tours as an entertainment destination. We are quite certain that you will enjoy your time with us as we explore the darkest corners of uncivilized society. For today’s adventure, we will be visiting both the Soulless Bushlands and the Lower Regions of Moralitavia. Hope you brought your camera!

However, before we climb into the eco-friendly bus that absolutely terrifies the Republicans, there are a few legal matters which we must address. It’s a bit boring and dreary, I’m afraid, but our lawyers make us do this after that horrible incident last month in Texas when a tourist stupidly dangled a microphone in front of a Feathered Perry and it went on a rampage of mendacity and disillusion.

As many wildlife experts will confirm, in order to survive encounters with the Republican species, it is critical that you fully understand the mating habits, hunting patterns and general mental instability of creatures without a moral compass. Once you can identify the following distinctive traits of a Republican, and learn how to react accordingly, your journey with us will be a safe, harmonious, and progressive experience.

1. Republicans have limited olfactory senses.

For example, they cannot detect the aromas of truth, honesty and documented facts. They will wander right past the trees of knowledge and not even realize they are in a forest.

Recommended reaction: Do not try to lure and catch Republicans using truth as bait. They won’t know what it is or what to do with it.

2. Republicans exhibit a great talent for mimicry.

Like other brightly-colored birds that do little more than make a lot of noise and leave droppings, Republicans will endlessly repeat the words and phrases taught to them by other Republicans. Additionally, they all tend to groom themselves in the same manner, wear the same expensive but boring clothing, and watch the same faux news programs.

Recommended reaction: You only need to talk to one Republican, one time, and you will know everything that they all think they know.

3. Republicans have a natural predatory instinct for other people’s money.

Republicans become greatly agitated when other species obtain money via legitimate endeavors such as gainful employment or the distribution of social welfare allotments. Once provoked and enraged by the mystifyingly offensive sight of people being rewarded for good behavior, the Republican will endlessly strive to divert the revenue streams of others into their own fouled nest.

Recommended reaction: Never allow a Republican to come within 500 feet of your piggy bank, retirement account, or branch of Congress.

4. Republicans have an inherent flight instinct when it comes to socialism.

Despite not really understanding what it is or how it works, a Republican will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid anything which they have identified as socialist. However, recent anthropological studies have shown that Republicans are just fine with socialism as long as they are the intended recipient of goods and services and not anyone else. Therefore, a better definition of socialism from the Republican perspective is “anything that wasn’t my idea or doesn’t make me money”.

Recommended reaction: If you come across an agitated, socially-confused Republican on a stretch of jungle path, turn and go another way. You certainly don’t want to go anywhere they’ve just come from, as anything of value in that direction has already been stolen or defiled.

5. Republicans have an interesting manner of breeding.

Republicans are almost rabidly interested in the fertilized egg of females that are not their own, going to great lengths to sustain the embryo and give it voting rights in Presidential elections, even if the affected female has other plans. However, once the child is actually born, a Republican wants nothing to do with the nourishment, education and cultural-enhancement of the little tyke, leaving it to make its own way in a world it did not create.

Recommended reaction: Ensure that wiser people are appointed to tribal council so that the Republican can only speak for his own body.

6. Republicans have a curious mythology as the basis of their religion.

Scientists have reported that, although the Republican religion shares certain key phrases with some other faith-based practices found in the animal kingdom, such as “Bible” and “Jesus” and “tax exempt”, these phrases have a completely different connotation in the Republican ideology, often contradicting absolutely with the precepts of other religions. In fact, the most recent study found that the seal on their Bibles had not even been broken, thus indicating that the tomes are used merely as pageantry props and not as educational materials.

Recommended reaction: Isolate and quarantine the affected Republicans until a proper vaccine has been developed and authorized. This may take some time, especially since we don’t know where the hell those people got their ideas.

7. Republicans often have split personalities.

This results in Republicans who pass anti-gay legislation and then head to the leather bars wearing nothing but chaps and a lecherous grin, Republicans who rail about the sanctity of marriage and then fornicate with anything that moves, and Republicans who get rapturous about the need for a strong military but won’t spend a penny to make sure the enlisted men and women are comfortable and protected while deployed or able to make a living when they come back home.

Recommended reaction: As mentioned, don’t allow Republicans to run for tribal council. Instead, have them perform on Broadway. They’re very good at make-believe and singing pretty songs that don’t really mean anything.

8. Republicans suffer from the most acute instances of memory loss ever observed in any species on the planet.

This topic-specific mental degeneration strangely seems to cycle along with presidential elections, with Republicans accusing non-Republicans of performing acts that past Republicans have also done, blaming non-Republicans for something they didn’t do but that Republicans are responsible for, and completely forgetting that we live in an age of video cameras capturing Republicans saying something they claim they never said.

Recommended reaction: If a Republican is speaking, change the channel. He’ll deny whatever he’s saying in a few days anyway, so why bother listening.

9. Republicans have a very strong drive to get at the top of the pecking order.

They will do anything to win. Anything. Even if it means millions of people lose their jobs, millions can’t get a decent education, and millions suffer from legislated poverty. This is why the other animals run away when the Republicans come to drink at the watering hole on the game preserve. Who wants to share anything that’s been tongued by that?

Recommended reaction: Don’t vote for them. Ever.

10. Republicans are on the Endangered Species List.

The glory of it all is that society always, eventually, moves forward. The Republicans have degenerated into a writhing, biting, swamp of inhumanity that has no morals and serves no purpose other than the growth and retention of obscene, ill-got wealth. Natural selection, the will of the common people, and human decency will prevail at some point, the cancer will eat itself, and history will look back at this current time as a moment when certain people coalesced into a monster of greed that was finally slain, forced back into the primordial ooze that Republicans swear never even existed.

Recommended reaction: Smile. It will happen. Stay strong.



  1. They also claim to not be racist and can prove it by...., having domestic services performed by "illegal aliens"

    1. Anon,

      Very good point. I may have to cobble together an addendum to this piece. There's a wealth of crazy-eyed Republican madness out there that needs to be collated and analyzed, for the safety of the planet...