Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Breaking News: Tea Party Advises That Innocent Bedtime Stories Will Lead To The Downfall of Society

  In yet another example of Tea Party members completely misunderstanding American concepts, the political cult has chosen the Fourth of July as the perfect time to release its latest mindless rant about nothing. A “fact-finding” committee, led by one Willard M. Bushney, leader of the scandal-plagued church, Our Lady of Endless Inbreeding, published the results of their exhaustive two-hour investigation on the organization’s main website,

  As is customary for the Tea Party, the committee did not document their investigation utilizing standard techniques such as word-processing programs or dictionaries, as that would require at least minimal education and the Tea Party frowns on such sacrilegious pursuits. Instead, the material is presented on the website as a poorly-photographed series of ill-dressed people waving picket signs and trying to figure out where the camera might be.

  An initial analysis of the sloppy presentation seems to indicate that the Tea Party is now up in their beloved arms about children’s bedtime stories, those charming tales one normally uses to help smiling children slip off to Slumber Land so the adults can go do more interesting things. However, since it’s rare to come across a Tea Partier who can spell and/or be coherent, we have invited renowned S.P.A. (Stupid-People Analyst), Ima Sickofthesetwits, to assist in interpreting the grammar-defying placards and offer some possible insight into what might have led to the logic-deficient slogans.

Exhibit 1: “Redd Rydeing Hud Iz A Kommie Batch!”

  Ima: This one is actually fairly straightforward, at least for a Tea Partier. In essence, despite the fact that the little girl is wearing a red ensemble which would normally invoke admiration in a TP, the brazen child has chosen to make travel decisions on her own (which she should never do, as a female), she is carrying food in her little basket to share with others (the Tea Partiers never share anything), and she is attempting to check on the medical status of an elderly relative (TP’s feel that senior citizens have only themselves to blame for growing old, and giving them things like Medicare only encourages them to get even older.) Clearly, Little Red is an uppity little urchin that must die.

Exhibit 2: “Jakk an Jill cain’t hav my hill!”

  Ima: This is another variation on the TP abhorrence for helping others out, flavored with more of their disdain for woman making proactive decisions. Our little duo simply wishes to climb a hill and obtain refreshments, but the Tea Partiers see this as a sure sign of Satan. Why can’t the duo get their water somewhere else? (Even though it’s a big well and there should be enough water for everyone.) Why should the duo be allowed to get water and not be forced to give some to the Tea Partiers? (Even though Jack and Jill have done all the work and the Tea Partiers haven’t done squat.) And why in the world is Jill climbing a hill and not off getting pregnant like the Bible says she should be doing as often as possible?

Exhibit 3: “NO White an NO Dorfs!”

  Ima: This one’s easy, once you realize they are talking about Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. They think the dwarves are gay, because of the happiness and the whistling. And you can’t show gays having fun and doing a line dance on the way to work, because that makes it seem like the gays are quite content to be who they were born to be. All good Tea Partiers are fully aware that you shouldn’t be making decisions about how to live your own life.

Exhibit 4: “No Beauty and the Beast!”

  Ima:  Wow, somebody made it through without a spelling error. That’s the most frightening thing I’ve seen today. Anyway, the issue with this one is that the woman is mentioned first, which is totally forbidden. Keep it old-school by listing the man first, like “Samson and Delilah”, “Joseph and Mary” and “Michele and Marcus Bachmann”.

Exhibit 5:  “SINdarella is a SINNER!”

  Ima: The Tea Partiers really can’t stand Cinderella. She’s not satisfied with her position in life, she’s an obvious slut who flashes her wares to passing royalty, she makes friends with small creatures who don’t wear pants and practice magic, and she carelessly loses shoes that somebody else paid good money for. And she got her princely man without even being pregnant. The horror!

Exhibit 6: “Alis in Sinnerland!”

  Ima: Notice how “sinner” is the one word that all Tea Partiers can spell? I guess if you spend every day throwing that word at anybody who doesn’t share your moldy belief system, the letters are eventually going to stick with you. Anyway, Alice in Wonderland was written by an infamous drug addict, and all the TP’s pretend to be horribly offended by drugs, even though “drugs” can be the only explanation for the outfits they wear at rallies.

Exhibit 7: “Pigs R Pigs!”

  Ima: This would be The Three Little Pigs. Tea Partiers are offended by organized labor, which is obviously what it took for each of the pigs to have his own dwelling. And they are further affronted by the inappreciative pigs refusing to bow down to a big-ass wolf that is threatening to destroy everything that they own. The Tea Partiers bow down to rich-ass politicians that are planning to do the same thing, so why shouldn’t everybody else?

Exhibit 8: “Burn the Beenstock!”

  Ima: Okay, this one’s a little murky, but we’re talking about Jack and the Beanstalk. Lots of things going on here. Climbing the beanstalk represents progress, something the TP’s are totally against at all costs. They also don’t like the concept of things living in the clouds, even though, last time I checked, that was still one of the end goals of their fundamentalist religion.

  And the magic beans represent, well, magic. TP’s don’t like magic, that’s why they are so against the delightful Harry Potter books. But wait, didn’t Jesus turn water into wine and loaves into fishes, all that? I guess it’s only okay to do things if you aren’t wearing a hood in a castle with torches. Then again, many of the TP ancestors did do things while wearing a hood and carrying torches. Hmm. We may have to come back to this one.

Exhibit 9: “Billy Goats Ruff!”

  Ima: Um, you’ll have to trust me that we can skip this one. I believe it has something to do with a tawdry barnyard love affair that resulted in some surprising abrasions. I think this guy is at the wrong rally.

Exhibit 10: “Goldyloks Go Home”

  Ima: Okay, this would be Goldilocks and her exploratory mission into the home of the three bears, another strong woman that the Tea Partiers detest. She had the nerve to keep trying things out until she found things that were the most satisfying. This goes against everything a Tea Partier stands for. They don’t believe in change or variance, except when it comes to revising history to back up their ludicrous claims. It’s almost sad, but it’s mostly pathetic. Luckily, society always moves forward in the end, and the history books that the state of Texas have chopped up (let’s pretend that Thomas Jefferson didn’t exist!) will be revised once again to finally show that the Tea Party was one of the most unpatriotic things that ever happened in this country.

  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to go take a hot shower. Even without actual physical contact with these losers who have proven that hell is full and the dead are walking the Earth, I feel really, really dirty…

Peace in.

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