In yet another example of Tea Party members
completely misunderstanding American concepts, the political cult has chosen
the Fourth of July as the perfect time to release its latest mindless rant
about nothing. A “fact-finding” committee, led by one Willard M. Bushney,
leader of the scandal-plagued church, Our Lady of Endless Inbreeding, published
the results of their exhaustive two-hour investigation on the organization’s
main website, ThinkingIsBadForYou.com.
As is customary for the Tea Party, the
committee did not document their investigation utilizing standard techniques
such as word-processing programs or dictionaries, as that would require at
least minimal education and the Tea Party frowns on such sacrilegious pursuits.
Instead, the material is presented on the website as a poorly-photographed
series of ill-dressed people waving picket signs and trying to figure out where
the camera might be.
An initial analysis of the sloppy
presentation seems to indicate that the Tea Party is now up in their beloved
arms about children’s bedtime stories, those charming tales one normally uses
to help smiling children slip off to Slumber Land so the adults can go do more
interesting things. However, since it’s rare to come across a Tea Partier who
can spell and/or be coherent, we have invited renowned S.P.A. (Stupid-People
Analyst), Ima Sickofthesetwits, to assist in interpreting the grammar-defying
placards and offer some possible insight into what might have led to the
logic-deficient slogans.
Exhibit
1: “Redd Rydeing Hud Iz A Kommie Batch!”
Ima: This one is actually fairly
straightforward, at least for a Tea Partier. In essence, despite the fact that
the little girl is wearing a red ensemble which would normally invoke admiration
in a TP, the brazen child has chosen to make travel decisions on her own (which
she should never do, as a female), she is carrying food in her little basket to
share with others (the Tea Partiers never share anything), and she is
attempting to check on the medical status of an elderly relative (TP’s feel
that senior citizens have only themselves to blame for growing old, and giving
them things like Medicare only encourages them to get even older.) Clearly,
Little Red is an uppity little urchin that must die.
Exhibit
2: “Jakk an Jill cain’t hav my hill!”
Ima: This is another variation on the TP abhorrence
for helping others out, flavored with more of their disdain for woman making
proactive decisions. Our little duo simply wishes to climb a hill and obtain
refreshments, but the Tea Partiers see this as a sure sign of Satan. Why can’t
the duo get their water somewhere else? (Even though it’s a big well and there
should be enough water for everyone.) Why should the duo be allowed to get
water and not be forced to give some to the Tea Partiers? (Even though Jack and
Jill have done all the work and the Tea Partiers haven’t done squat.) And why
in the world is Jill climbing a hill and not off getting pregnant like the
Bible says she should be doing as often as possible?
Exhibit
3: “NO White an NO Dorfs!”
Ima: This one’s easy, once you realize they
are talking about Snow White and the
Seven Dwarves. They think the dwarves are gay, because of the happiness and
the whistling. And you can’t show gays having fun and doing a line dance on the
way to work, because that makes it seem like the gays are quite content to be
who they were born to be. All good Tea Partiers are fully aware that you
shouldn’t be making decisions about how to live your own life.
Exhibit
4: “No Beauty and the Beast!”
Ima:
Wow, somebody made it through without a spelling error. That’s the most
frightening thing I’ve seen today. Anyway, the issue with this one is that the
woman is mentioned first, which is totally forbidden. Keep it old-school by
listing the man first, like “Samson and Delilah”, “Joseph and Mary” and “Michele
and Marcus Bachmann”.
Exhibit
5: “SINdarella is a SINNER!”
Ima: The Tea Partiers really can’t stand
Cinderella. She’s not satisfied with her position in life, she’s an obvious
slut who flashes her wares to passing royalty, she makes friends with small
creatures who don’t wear pants and practice magic, and she carelessly loses
shoes that somebody else paid good money for. And she got her princely man
without even being pregnant. The horror!
Exhibit
6: “Alis in Sinnerland!”
Ima: Notice how “sinner” is the one word that
all Tea Partiers can spell? I guess if you spend every day throwing that word
at anybody who doesn’t share your moldy belief system, the letters are
eventually going to stick with you. Anyway, Alice
in Wonderland was written by an infamous drug addict, and all the TP’s
pretend to be horribly offended by drugs, even though “drugs” can be the only
explanation for the outfits they wear at rallies.
Exhibit
7: “Pigs R Pigs!”
Ima: This would be The Three Little Pigs. Tea
Partiers are offended by organized labor, which is obviously what it took for
each of the pigs to have his own dwelling. And they are further affronted by
the inappreciative pigs refusing to bow down to a big-ass wolf that is
threatening to destroy everything that they own. The Tea Partiers bow down to
rich-ass politicians that are planning to do the same thing, so why shouldn’t
everybody else?
Exhibit
8: “Burn the Beenstock!”
Ima: Okay, this one’s a little murky, but we’re
talking about Jack and the Beanstalk.
Lots of things going on here. Climbing the beanstalk represents progress,
something the TP’s are totally against at all costs. They also don’t like the
concept of things living in the clouds, even though, last time I checked, that
was still one of the end goals of their fundamentalist religion.
And the magic beans represent, well, magic.
TP’s don’t like magic, that’s why they are so against the delightful Harry Potter books. But wait, didn’t
Jesus turn water into wine and loaves into fishes, all that? I guess it’s only
okay to do things if you aren’t wearing a hood in a castle with torches. Then
again, many of the TP ancestors did
do things while wearing a hood and carrying
torches. Hmm. We may have to come back to this one.
Exhibit
9: “Billy Goats Ruff!”
Ima: Um, you’ll have to trust me that we can
skip this one. I believe it has something to do with a tawdry barnyard love
affair that resulted in some surprising abrasions. I think this guy is at the
wrong rally.
Exhibit
10: “Goldyloks Go Home”
Ima: Okay, this would be Goldilocks and her
exploratory mission into the home of the three bears, another strong woman that
the Tea Partiers detest. She had the nerve to keep trying things out until she
found things that were the most satisfying. This goes against everything a Tea
Partier stands for. They don’t believe in change or variance, except when it
comes to revising history to back up their ludicrous claims. It’s almost sad,
but it’s mostly pathetic. Luckily, society always moves forward in the end, and
the history books that the state of Texas have chopped up (let’s pretend that
Thomas Jefferson didn’t exist!) will be revised once again to finally show that
the Tea Party was one of the most unpatriotic
things that ever happened in this country.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I really need to go
take a hot shower. Even without actual physical contact with these losers who
have proven that hell is full and the dead are walking the Earth, I feel
really, really dirty…
Peace
in.
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