Okay, what
happened was…
I woke up. That’s
all I did.
I was napping in
one of my secret places, behind the purple couch with the too-big pillows that
smell like me because, well, I can’t leave stuff alone. I like it back there.
You have to squeeze a little bit to get in there, but it’s worth it, because
then there’s a place just my size. I can lay there and peek and see stuff, but
nobody can see me. My daddies will call one of my names and walk around looking
for me but they don’t know where I be and it’s fun.
They try to tease
me, though, my daddies. They go to the Pan Tree and open the door and make one
of the Treat Bags make noise. When I was little and more simple, I would hear
that noise and run to them very fast, because it meant I would get little bits
of something special in my bowl. I like bits of special. But after years of
simple I figured out that sometimes the noise was a trick. My daddies were not
putting something in my bowl. They wanted to get me.
I don’t wanna be
got. I don’t wanna be anything where I can’t jump down and run somewhere else.
My daddies don’t understand that I am very important and I don’t have time for
being got. I have things to do. Important stuff I need to do now, not later
when they lay down on the big bed with the come-for-tour that I like to scratch
and they are not caring if I break stuff or not. Don’t get me! Unless I say.
Because being got
is bad. My daddies are going to do something I don’t want them to do. Sometimes
they want to take little round white things and shove them in my place where
the food goes. My throwed. I don’t like that. That’s not a treat. Why are they
shoving it? I don’t want it. And one of the daddies knows how to squeeze on
part of my face where my mouth just falls open, I can’t help it. Then bam,
not-treat in my throwed. I will scratch him later for bamming.
And sometimes
they want to stop fleece. I don’t know fleece. My daddies say fleece is bad and
they don’t want fleece on me. But what is fleece? They don’t say that part,
just stop fleece. So they get me, because I didn’t think right, and I got got.
And one daddy holds me and the other daddy puts cold yuck on my back. The part
of my back that I can’t lick or scratch, by my head. That’s mean. Daddies are
mean about fleece. I can’t get yuck off! Even if I run and hide and be mad.
But the baddest
got thing? The clip hers. I think my daddies love me but then I get got and one
of the daddies has the clip hers. And then I don’t know about love. I only know
I want to be away from clip hers. One of the daddies makes me be still and the
other daddy puts the clip hers on my scratch-toes and he CUTS THEM! My daddies
cut me! They cut my toes! It is terrible and bad.
And I try to stop
them. Because I know they might have demons and maybe they don’t understand. I
know about demons. Sometimes the daddies leave the Tea Vee on when they go to
those places I can’t go and they come back with bags of stuff that I can sniff.
And one time the Tea Vee had a long show called “The Ex Or Sips” about a girl named Lend the Bear who spit up
lots of hairballs and killed people who wore black and white clothes and made
them fall down stairs and stuff. She was loud and mean but other people in the
show said she did it because of demons.
So my daddies
have demons. And that makes them want to cut me. But it’s still just me that
has hair balls, so maybe that movie didn’t tell me everything.
I forgot what I
was trying to tell you.
Oh, the cutting
and the clip hers. So when my daddies and the demons try to cut me, I fight. I
fight hard, because I don’t like it when big people make me do things I don’t
want to do. I squirm and I wiggle and I howl like Lend the Bear, like my
daddies are trying to kill me. I don’t know if they are or not but I don’t want
to find out. This makes the daddies say strong words and they are not happy,
but Scotch is not happy either because they might be killing me. Why do they
not understand that I’m not happy?
I’m sad now. I
don’t know if I want to talk anymore. Daddies should not hurt kitties with clip
hers. Bad.
Oh, look. A leaf
just fell in the yard. I want to kill it. Or maybe I want to check my bowl to
see if there’s something new. Or sleep. I like sleeping. And stretching after sleeping. Do you like
tuna? I like tuna. Bunches. And bugs can be yummy.
I forgot again
why I’m here. Oh yeah. I was talking about the picture that goes with this
story. I don’t like that picture. And I think it’s Lie Bell that one of my
daddies took it. It makes me look mean and maybe did something bad to my toys
that look hurt. They are only a little hurt, not bad hurt. And they only got
hurt because they made me mad. Don’t make me mad, don’t get hurt. Gold In rule.
But maybe I should tell why I mad and then had to hurt.
I was behind the
purple couch, just laying. I already did all my important morning stuff and
checked and sniffed all the things that need checked and sniffed. So it was
time for a brake, because I’m in the Kitty Union and we have work-hers rights.
So I was braking, and maybe snoozing a little because I’m good at that. And
then one of the daddies was done with his get-ready stuff and it was time for
him to say bye and drive away in his car to that place he goes to make money.
I don’t really
like this part. Because I was all settled and comfy and didn’t want to do
things that make me look cute. But that daddy has to play with me for a little
before he drives to the money place. I don’t know why. I know he’s going to
come back. And I’m not going anywhere, because they don’t let me go anywhere, because I am End Door Kitty who gets told no-no
when I try to run outside and touch grass. (I still try, but always no-no and
door slamming.) So daddy was trying to play and I didn’t want to because I was
braking. He called my name lots.
I pretended I
didn’t hear him. (Braking!)
He called more. I
was starting to think I didn’t like this daddy. Let me lay and not do anything!
Go make the money and bring me back a treat bag. Not hard, just do. He called
more. I thought maybe I call my Union Stew Herd and file a grieve ants, but I
didn’t know where my sell phone be. (Maybe in big water bowl where daddies sit.
The bat room?) I like to throw stuff in big water bowl, so maybe sell phone got
throwed. I forget stuff. I’m simple but I’m pretty.
I finally got
tired of daddy calling so I got up and peeked around the purple couch. Daddy
saw me and grabbed me and raised me in the air and made baby talk. I don’t like
to be in the air. I have told my daddies “No Air!” all the time. One daddy
understands, and no air. Other daddy not understand, and air happens. So Air
Daddy was doing the air thing and I had to remind him about no air. When he
didn’t listen, I squirmed and tried to kill him with my claws.
He didn’t like
that.
Good. He put me
down on my special place. It’s a desk that other daddy got from Pear One. But
my daddies don’t do desk stuff with it. They put nice soft floors on the top so
I can lay down and watch out the window and wait for leaves to fall so I can
think about killing them. And that was okay, because it’s my me-only place and
I can think about being the King Kitty of the world. But then Air Daddy found
one of my old toys and put it down beside me.
I don’t like that
old toy. I liked it a long time ago when I was little and didn’t know that if I
just wait, there will be new toys coming. I played with it a lot when I was
stupid, because it was red and it was a crab and I like seafood and it was easy
for my claws to grab it and throw it everywhere or maybe put it in one of my
water bowls and wait for one of the daddies to find it and make funny faces
because I drowned my crab. I like it better when my daddies don’t understand my
plans. Because I get more treats that way.
Anyway, daddy
threw yucky crab on my special throne and then kissed me on the head. My head
that I had just cleaned with one of my front paws and now it was dirty again.
Why do they not understand about clean spots? Don’t touch! It takes a long time
to make things clean. So I was in a bad mood and I was glad Air Daddy left for
the way-far place because I needed to call my lawyer. And then sleep.
But I didn’t get
to do anything of my important stuff, because other daddy came out of the Off
Hiss room and wanted to know what I was doing. Why checking on me when Air
Daddy just did? You have sell phones. Text and leave me alone! But I tried to
be sweet because maybe treat time, you never know. I just sat there and tried
to look hungry.
But no treat.
Other daddy saw ugly crab toy and thought I was playing with it. (I not!) And
he thought I needed other toys. (No, please.) And he found the mouse toy and
flopped it on my throne. I don’t like the mouse toy, almost more than crab.
Mouse toy don’t work right. When you pick up, no sound. When you throw on
ground, it make noise. Why that? It should scream when I pick up, not throw
down. Stupid bad toy.
So now I had two
not-want things on my throne. Life is very hard. I tried to tell daddy that
this was not working for me, that toys should be in trash and treats should be
in mouth. But he not listen. He thought I was singing or something and wanted
to take a picture. He stupid sometimes. He ran to get cam-raw. I wanted him to
fall down and leave me alone until time for attention. I’m busy and popular on
Cat Book. Two thousand furrers!
But he came back.
Bad daddy! And he had cam-raw, and shoving it at my face and talking to me
pretty but he really didn’t mean it. He just want me to look at cam-raw. I don’t
want to look at cam-raw, but only so many places to look, with ugly crab and stupid
mouse in my house. So I finally look at daddy and he burn my eyes with cam-raw
fire. More reason to call lawyer.
And then he show
me picture. I look all mad, because I BE mad, with not-want toys on my soft
royal floor that is MINE. And I get madder because I know this daddy is the one
who makes clog posts about me and not talk to my agent before he do. Not right.
But I can’t stop it, daddy goes clogging without asking me if okay. My daddies
need training, Clog Daddy AND Air Daddy. Please click on Pet-Pal link to donate
for my cause to train daddies better. It’s flax deductible! Send lots of money.
Money good.
Love,
Scotch
P.S. to Clog Daddy: Why are there dead plants outside my
royal window? King Kitties don’t want to see that. More lawyer reasons. I call
now.
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