Friday, October 5, 2012

10 Flavors of Tea-Bagger Brand Tea

  Stuck there standing in the conservative-beverage section of your local Wal-Mart, in a pickle about what refreshments to serve your extremist right-ring dinner guests later this evening? Well, we’ll skip over the head-scratching part about why you would allow such people into your home (we all have crosses to bear, yes?) and get right to the menu-planning. With these helpful tips, you should always have just the right liquid to shove at Ann Coulter so she will hopefully take a sip and stop babbling idiocy for a few minutes so you can run check on the pot roast…

1. Camo Meal Tea

  It’s no secret that the tea baggers love to hunt things down and try to kill them. Part of this irksome activity includes the donning of camouflage gear, a type of apparel that the tea baggers find quite fetching. In fact, they love camouflage clothing so much that they often wear it during inappropriate activities, such as getting the newspaper off the front lawn or having sex.

  It was once thought that tea baggers wore camouflage to support our military men and women, but since we now know that a tea bagger will vote for a politician who will cut veterans’ benefits faster than you or I can google “hypocrisy”, we’ll have to go with the Plan-B explanation. This is the one where the camouflage clothing is symbolic of the fact that the tea bagger has no identity or thought process of his own, and therefore he wears a fake camo uniform so he can blend in with other members of the herd as they are wrangled toward a voting booth.

  In any case, Camo Meal Tea is packaged in a variety of designer boxes, where the camouflage color palettes vary so you can select the box the represents your favorite made-up war. True to the form of military spending traditions in America, each box of tea comes with fewer tea bags than advertised as being allotted, a tribute to the fact that a big chunk of military budget money ends up in the hands of people who have nothing to do with the military. As an added bonus, the Camo Meal Tea boxes are designed to be inter-locking so you can eventually build your very own deer blind in the back yard.

2. Green Tea

  Green Tea is very popular with tea baggers because the color of the box reminds them of money. Specifically, money that they don’t actually have (you’ve seen the clothes they wear at rallies, right?) but money that they think they should have, based on the mere fact that someone gave birth to them. The tea baggers are very adamant about this virtual money that has supposedly been ripped from their un-manicured hands. The tea baggers firmly believe that they would become instant millionaires if the Evil Government would just stop taxing them and then using that tax money to fund liberal programs that Jesus hates.

  And then there’s the related money issue, where tea baggers at rallies love to holler nonsense and wave about mis-spelled signs, proclaiming that they “don’t take no money from other peoples’ pockets”. Really? Then I guess these people have never sent their children to public school, received treatment from  a county hospital, had the need for police or fire services, or even driven on a public road. The money for that comes out of all our pockets, so don’t act like you don’t have a hand in my trousers, fondling my loose change.

3. Black Tea

  This selection is only in the product line as a promotional attempt to attract a minority of a minority that might possibly vote for a Republican during a temporary loss of sanity. The box is actually empty.

4. White Tea

  Understandably, this is the biggest seller in the entire Tea-Bagger Tea collection. The tea baggers love the concept of whiteness, and the perpetuation of the myth that white is the best color in the rainbow. Once you have finished gulping down all the self-validation, you can refold the box into the shape of a pointed hood.

5. Earl Grey Tea

  Some behavioral analysts (well, at least those who aren’t occupied with trying to discover why “reality” TV shows continue to multiply instead of just going away) have pointed to the Earl Grey line of Tea Bagger Tea as one of the foundations for the disillusion of the typical bagger. By drinking this tea, with its hint of British aristocracy, the baggers begin to believe that they are indeed members of royalty. (This seems to be in conflict with another tea bagger trait, that of hating everything British, or foreign at all, unless Margaret Thatcher is somehow involved. But as we’ve learned, tea baggers have no concern for logic or reasoning.)

  So now we have tea baggers with visions of royal bloodlines and crowns and getting to issue decrees that no one is allowed to challenge, mixed in with their instinctual belief that if they saw it on Fox News then it absolutely must be true. Is it any wonder that we have an army of walking dead out there with no grasp on reality? (No offense to the zombie series on AMC, love that thing, and at least those folks have the decency to sit down and round-table things before they go and eliminate people they don’t want around anymore.)

6. Herbal Tea

  This one is a big-seller only because the baggers pronounce the “H”, which makes it sound like somebody named Herb made it, and that’s a nice country name that people can respect, and it doesn’t sound at all like the name of someone who was born in Kenya. This greatly soothes the Birthers, although I’m sure it’s safe to say that the Birthers will never be truly satisfied, even if someone locates footage of President Obama clearly shooting out of the womb of a woman wearing a colorful lei while the attending nurses dance a hula, pineapple plants wave in the wind, the Diamond Head volcano erupts in approval, and a military fly-over does a tribute in nearby Pearl Harbor. It’s a done deal, Donald. Move on.

7. Oolong Tea

  No one knows why this one is even offered as an option. Sort of like Mitt Romney.

8. Ice Tea

  No, not a tribute to that nearly-forgotten rapper from Dallas who didn’t know street from boulevard, but a nod to a basic beverage staple in the deep South, where much of the population is still pissed off about the end result of that Civil War thing. It’s amazing to me that they so desperately want to turn back time, but every damn one of them is clutching a wireless phone. (And a side note to the brave folks who are actually trying to bring Louisiana and Alabama into a century somewhat closer to the current one: My hat is off to you. Keep the faith, be strong, and VOTE.)

  So anyway, have you seen the amount of sugar that the southern belles dump into their glass pitchers of homemade tea? It looks like the biggest cocaine bust in the universe. No wonder people get so bent out of shape over nothing. Their eyeballs are vibrating from the sugar rush.

9. Insani Tea

  This is a vanity brew, personally concocted by Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Karl Rove (why isn’t that bitch in jail?), the afore-mentioned Ann Coulter and her skinny-ass desperation to make up stuff so she can be in the spotlight, the entire Republican House of Representatives, and all the Baptist preachers and Catholic priests who are hypocritically up in arms because someone dares to love someone of the same sex. They stir their pot of swill daily, sprinkling in hatred and ignorance, then rush to dump the moldy nectar down the throats of people who have been force-fed all their lives.

  On the flip side, at least the drug companies should be thrilled with all this mess, because it’s going to take a lot of pills to help people work their way back to the path of reality after the “Fateful Day When the Republicans Swung So Far To The Right That We Had To Eliminate A Planet From The Solar System Just To Get Things Back In Balance”. (Oh, wait, I forgot that we already did that. Poor Pluto. He was already so distant and cold, this demotion is certainly not going to help his self-esteem. Maybe you should send him a nice card or something.)

10. Mister Tea

  This product was developed as a tribute to the likes of Todd Akin, Mike Huckabee, Rick Santorum and all those other Neanderthals who firmly believe that women are merely possessions who don’t have a say in the quality of how they’ve been raped. These men are essentially pissed off about not only women having the nerve to be upset about uninvited intercourse, they are still seething over the fact that their play-toys actually have the right to vote. And the Republican national party is standing by them and continuing to send money.

  This, right here, is why I don’t understand how there can be a woman in America, who actually has a pulse, that can still identify as a Republican. Seriously? Is money that important to you that you will completely subjugate yourself to this jacked line of thinking? Did you not learn anything from Sue Ellen on Dallas?

11. Par Tea

  This is a subversive addition to the product line that was secretly slipped onto the conveyer belt by Democrats. (The Republicans didn’t notice because they were too busy demanding birth certificates that they’ve already seen and voting to legislate vaginas.) This special elixir should be opened on a certain evening in November, as the voting results scroll across your TV screens and it becomes clear that the Republicans bedded the wrong people. (But at least it wasn’t “forcible” rape, right Republicans? Because you clearly didn’t say no…)



  1. Yes, Mr. Coffee - Republican women find money to be vastly more important than control of their lady parts, and where did you ever get the idea that they had a pulse to begin with? Did you not know that they are surgically implanted with the pulses of their respective owners, er, husbands and fathers, at birth and again following marriage? Please try to keep up.

    1. Hey Kathie,

      And yet another comment of yours that was somehow lost in the ether. Why is blogger not notifying me of your particular comments? Perhaps "someone" (insert crazy-ass right-wing buffoon of your choice) is keeping us from getting together. Because we both know that if you and I somehow gained control of national policy (it could happen, look at the worthless Shrub Dynasty from Texas) the world would completely change. Which is a good thing, natch.