The First Presidential Debate, With A Little Bit Of Sarcasm - October 2012

Jim Lehrer:  “This is the part where I kick things off by appearing completely unprofessional and scatter-brained despite my sterling reputation and years of experience indicating I should perform otherwise. After I finally figure out where I am, I kick off the first session. Let’s start with President Obama, who apparently won some type of coin toss.”

President Obama:  “This is the part where I seem to be a little unfocused, rambling on about something that involves the anniversary of my marriage to Michelle Obama. Even though I didn’t marry Michelle Obama. I married Michelle Robinson. Maybe I just get flustered with any last name that starts with ‘R-O’. What was the actual question?”

Mitt Romney:  “I don’t care what the question is. Me and my weirdly-gelled hair are here to prove that Okenya has destroyed this entire country, especially the parts that have country clubs.”

JL:  “I don’t think either of you actually answered the question, but I might have forgotten to take some sort of important pill and I really don’t know if…”

PO:  “I was talking to a woman in one of the lesser states the other day and she was so thankful about what I’ve done for this country  that she offered me one of her low-cost prescriptions that might help me appear to be more energetic  in a national debate.”

MR:  “That woman is a pig for having thanked you. I was talking to my wife, Marie Antoinette, in one of our lesser houses the other day and SHE thanked ME for our own marriage, where we are so super wealthy that we get to have Mormon slaves who take care of everything, including her impregnations and a human shield that prevents us from ever having to see reality. Just like Rush’s high-cost prescriptions.”

JL:  “I really don’t know where this is going…”

PO:  “Mr. Romney is a little confused about his facts, but I need to rest against this podium for a minute and try to get my strength back while I mystifyingly don’t contradict him…”

MR:  “Screw facts and screw resting. This is the part where I get to wave my finger defiantly at you while I make up some more crap about some things I said but I’m now going to claim that I didn’t say.”

JL:  “Why in the hell did we not opt to have commercial breaks?”

PO:  “Your fiscal plan is, um, way wrong. Can somebody bring me a stool?”

MR:  “I don’t have a fiscal plan that has any basis in real life. But that’s really not important, because everyone at Fox News knows that as long as I keep moving my lips, they’ll be able to manipulate the video so that it appears that I said something more important than Jesus ever said. So I’m going to bellow and bellow and bellow and…”

JL:  “Mr. Romney, you’re a little over you time limit…”

MR:  “Screw you. YOU don’t have a house in the Hamptons. I don’t have to listen to you.”

JL:  “Umm….”

MR:  “And bellow and bellow and…”

PO, visibly shaking off the effects of malaria or whatever the issue might have been:  “Mitt, there’s not a single competent economist on the planet who agrees that your budget plan will work.”

MR:  “It doesn’t have to work, it just has to get me elected. I’m going to stand here and keep repeating that it will work until the polls are in my favor. I don’t have a day job, I’ve got all the time in the world.”

JL:  “Can someone remind me what topic we’re on at this point?”

PO:  “Mitt, you have a five trillion dollar tax cut in your plan. With no additional revenue. How can that work?”

MR:  “I’ve never said the words ‘five’ or ‘trillion’ or ‘dollar’ or ‘I accept responsibility for my habitual lying’ in my entire life. What part of ‘I just need to get elected’ do you not understand?”

PO:  “Well, I understand about getting elected, having already done that a few times. But you have to work on your political agenda to make sure you satisfy as many people as you can. It’s the American way.”

MR:  “Then you’re a stupid man. All you have to do is say whatever your audience wants at the time and then deny it the next day. Obviously you’ve never read the Republican handbook. See, folks? Obama can’t even read. I have lots of people who read books and explain them to me, so I’m the better candidate. And now I’m going to bellow some more, because it’s really not important what comes out of my mouth as long as I keep talking and they have video editors at Fox News. Bellow and bellow and meaningless bellow and…”

JL:  “Um, Mr. Romney, could you try to stay on topic and not talk past your time limit and-“

MR:  “You don’t have a house in the Hamptons! Shut up.”

JL:  “Okay, my bad.”

PO:  “Does anybody have some water? I just need a little sip of something…”

MR:  “People who make water have lost their jobs because the Republicans, um,  I mean YOU, have blocked the Jobs Creation bill repeatedly.”

PO:  “Hold up. I haven’t blocked anything. Boehner and Cantor are the ones who-“

MR:  “People don’t have water! All because of you and your Muslim evil-doing. I talked to a woman the other day who hasn’t had water since 2007.”

PO:  “I wasn’t actually the President at that time and-“

MR:  “People are stupid! I’ve made it this far depending on the stupidity of people with the attention span of road-kill. This is America! Where rich, white people control everything.”

JL:  “Oh dear God. I just want to go home. Somebody call my agent.”

Random Democrat in the audience:  “Is this really happening? There hasn’t been a word out of Mitt’s mouth that got within miles of the truth. Why isn’t Obama shutting him down?”

Random Republican in the audience:  “Mitt is the new Jesus! I want to have his baby!”

Random Independent in the audience:  “And why is it that we don’t have a third political party with any real significance?”

Jim Lehrer’s agent, texting:  “Dude, I know you took your vitamin supplements this morning, what the hell is wrong with you? This is really going to affect your speaking tour when you retire…”

Ann Romney:  “I’m bored. Aren’t we paying somebody to change the channel when I want them to?”

Anne Rice, out of nowhere:  “And people wonder why I turned to vampires for comfort during my time of need…”

Michelle Obama, somewhere not at the debate:  “Sasha, Malia, head on upstairs to bed. Momma needs to talk to Daddy when he gets home, and you don’t need to hear this.”

Michele Bachmann:  “What’s a debate?”

Marcus Bachmann:  “I did not sleep with that man. I was healing him.”

Britney Spears:  “Buy my new album! There’s one song where I actually sing!”

Madonna:  “Bitch, please.”

Jim Lehrer:  “I think I might have lost control at some point…”

Mitt Romney: “Damn right you did, working for that liberal network with Big Bird and children who know how to count. You killed Jesus! Or somebody that was important. I don’t have to prove it I just have to say it.”

President Obama, whispering to a Secret Service agent that really doesn’t care:  “I had no idea that Romney could even put a sentence together.”

Secret Service Agent:  “Dude, he’s like lying out his ass. Say something!”

PO:  “But it’s not part of the plan. I have a plan. I always have a plan. I just don’t always explain it to people. Michelle gets a little pissed about that.”

Agent:  “Okay, look, this is kind of an important election. Maybe you should alter the plan a little bit and quit just standing there and taking it and making Romney look like he’s right. I can guarantee you that there are a whole bunch of Republicans having an orgasm right now. Or at least ordering their servants to have one for them. Call his ass on this.”

Jim Lehrer:  “Is somebody talking on stage when it’s not his turn? Other than Mitt Romney?”

Mitt Romney:  “I’m gonna kill that bird.”

Anne Rice:  “Doesn’t matter. I’ll make him come back to life in the next book in my vampire series. I think I’ll set this one in Cozumel, because there’s always a lot of stupid people running around and not paying attention and drunkenly going down the wrong street.  A lot like New Orleans, but with more humidity and less important architecture…”

Producer of the show:  “Does anybody have any idea what is going on right now?”

Assistant Producer:  “Well, bloggers across the country are breaking their necks trying to get to a keyboard. Does that help?”

Jim Lehrer:  “Okay, I believe that we’re on session 3 of the agenda. Or maybe we’re still on 2 because I really don’t have any control here. Mitt, since I’m now apparently your bitch, maybe you could let me know where-“

Mitt Romney:  “I totally refute everything I said before today. Everything. Somebody else said it. Whatever I said, I don’t agree with it anymore, and now I’m going to say what it takes to get me elected, because that’s how the Republican process works. I get to change my answers now that all the other Republican candidates are ass-up in the wind. And screw the facts. We all know that doesn’t matter as long as Fox News is still on the air.”

President Obama:  “Bingo. I finally and lethargically got you to say what I wanted you to say.”

Secret Service Agent:  “Dude, part two, I really don’t know if the world is going to understand your agenda based on how this thing went. Just sayin. Maybe next time you could drink a Red Bull?”

Random Republican woman in the audience:  “Bring back polygamy! I want to marry Mitt Romney and make sure there are more of him in this world even though I couldn’t stand him during the primaries. Because that’s how we Republicans roll.”

Random Democratic woman in the audience:  “Sister Girl, you are jacked up in the head if you are even considering voting for Romney. Are you seriously giving up ownership of your own vagina and everything else that you’ve worked for in your life?”

Republican woman:  “Work? What is that?”

Hillary Clinton, texting from yet another country she’s had to visit as Secretary of State in the hopes of undoing the political damage inflicted by Little Bush, Little Boehner, Little Rove, and the dumb-ass Supreme Court Justices who upheld Citizens United and unleashed the Beast of Corporate Greed:  “I’m on it. Like I always am. Do you think I would have a hairstyle like this if I wasn’t serious? Have somebody make some coffee and I’ll be there in the morning.”

Mitt Wrongme:  “What time is it? Has it been long enough that I can change what I just said?”

President Obama:  “Did you hear the part about bloggers scrambling to certify what you’ve babbled all night? It’s the modern age, Mitt. People in Tokyo already know what you just said.”

Mitt:  “Tokyo? Didn’t we bomb them? At least I think one of my companies did. Before I outsourced it.”

PO:  “Night, Mitt.”

Secret Service Agent to PO:  “Dude, part three, kind of a risky move, don’t you think, letting the people make their own interpretations of what happened tonight.”

PO:  “Really? I’m thinking I just let Mitt show the world what he’s really like.”

Agent:  “Yeah, but this is America. There are a lot of stupid people out there. When you don’t confront his lies, you look weak.”

PO:  “I had one night where I was off. Mitt has had 364 of them. We’ll bounce back.”

Agent:  “Tell that to Howard Dean. Fox News will spin the hell out of this.”

PO:  “Let them spin. Maybe someday they’ll land on an actual fact.”

Random Republican, leaping out of her seat and hollering despite the supposed “Quiet Game” rule for the audience:  “Romney is the Messiah because Rush Limbaugh said so. I willingly pledge that my vagina is now corporate property of Citizens United and Grover Norquist!” (Amid the scattered applause, someone hands the woman a toaster oven as a membership prize. It appears to be Ann Coulter, but it’s hard to tell when it comes to drag queens who look really tired and haven’t properly moisturized.)

Random Democrat in the audience, unfortunately seated next to the delusional woman who doesn’t understand property rights and free-thinking:  “This is 2012, right? Who invited somebody from the Old Testament?”

Anne Rice again, texting from Cozumel where she is already scribbling away on her next Vampire Chronicles entry:  “Now do you believe me that the dead are already walking the earth?”

Jim Lehrer:  “Um, can somebody validate my parking ticket. Because I’m not really sure if I’ll be back…”

End trans.