20 Perfectly Good Reasons To Keep Playing On Facebook Instead of Living An Actual Life

1. I need to make sure that people aren’t stalking me by stalking them first. (Wait a minute, Billy Bob just started playing “Cityville” two seconds after I did. He must want me. But he is so not gonna get some of this. Unfriend.)

2. I want to change my profile pic so I’m waiting for someone else to use a good one that I can steal. (Which they probably stole from somebody else. Ever notice that there are only about five profile pics out there, especially around election times?)

3. I’m sure that somebody will eventually post a status that they want me to repost for at least an hour, and I don’t want to disappoint them. (Except for the posts that include “97% of you won’t dare repost”. Now you’re just being confrontational, and that’s not pretty.)

4. There’s that one last person I still haven’t connected with from high school. I don’t really remember her, but she’s in the yearbook and I like a complete set. (Even if she was only at our school for one semester and smelled like wet dog. I love everybody.)

5. My crops will be ready in two hours. (Why waste all that time logging out and back in?)

6. I don’t have anywhere to be in the morning. (Except at the coffee maker.)

7. I’m sure that Boo’s parents will be releasing another video of him any minute, filmed in that oddly-clean apartment where he lives. (I have never seen anything out of place. Ever. That’s almost as creepy as Boo.)

8. I can get ideas for how to redecorate my house by looking at other people’s examples of doing things that didn’t work. (When did macramé come back in style?)

9. I can socialize without having to put my pants on. (This becomes increasingly more important the older you get.)

10. I can click “like” on the comments of people I hardly know just to make them wonder. (Hey, who is that? Is he stalking me?)

11. Why clean the house? It’s just going to get dirty again. (And when you clean, you can’t find things, and this leads to harsh accusations and divorce.)

12. Someone will eventually post a video of rednecks doing stupid things while wearing trashy outfits. These things please me. (Yes, you run the risk of seeing your own relatives as cast members, but you have to take chances, right?)

13. I no longer have to watch my favorite TV shows, because some fool is going to spill all the plot details before I can even turn on the DVR. (Did it ever occur to these Paul Reveres that not everybody watches the shows live, and that riding your horse through the night, screaming about who won “Big Brother”, can get you shot?)

14. The Constant Clicking is actually kind of soothing. (Wait, wasn’t that a k.d. lang song?)

15. You can learn an amazing amount of useless trivia that you will never use again. (Just like high school.)

16. The Facebook-within-Facebook scroll on the right is annoying but hypnotizing. (Wait, Jody Sue just joined the “Sexy Prophets of the Bible” fan page? The little tramp.) Suddenly it’s three days later and the lawn still hasn’t been mowed.

17. There’s still beer in the fridge. (I need something to do while I drink that.)

18. Watching the scrolling feed of inane people spouting way too much information about their personal situations makes me feel better about my own life. (Honey, we really don’t need to know about that rash. And stop sleeping with people when you don’t even know their full name.)

19. It’s nice that so many people want to add me to their Birthday Calendar. (I don’t really know you, but thanks for counting the rings on my tree. Are you sending me a present?)

20. Why bother trying to get anything else done? The Republicans are just going to block me anyway. (Well, until November 2012.)

Peace in.

Sagacity Redux #2

Psssst. Come over here with me for a second. I want to ask you about something.

It’s okay, I won’t tell anybody that we’re talking. Dad’s the word. But I had to visit with somebody about this, and you’re wearing a really cute blouse, so I thought, what the hell, engage a fashion-conscious stranger and let’s see where it goes. Worse things have happened.

Anyway, possibly new best friend with your attention-getting couture, I did something in the last few months that is new for me. You see, I do this blog thing, where I typically write posts about this and that, posts that are often very long and involve detailed plotting. In fact, some of these posts turn into multi-part ramblings, stretching into eternity and resulting in thousands of words about something as simple as a random entry on a restaurant menu concerning shellfish.

I have issues with dragging things out a bit. Duly noted.

But some important people in my life have recently suggested that I should tone down that epic aspect, and instead head toward a less-intense place where I get to the point, maybe throw in a joke or two, and then seal everything up with a slightly-bitter kiss. Based on my abysmal blog stats lately, I was forced to acknowledge that this might be sage advice.

Directness, joke, sign off. Got it.

So I tried this with a recent post, entitled “Sagacity Redux #1” (notice the theme?), wherein I got right to the point and spilled personal details. This was a bit startling for some of the core group of followers who happily read everything I send forth (and I love them for doing so), but, more importantly, it generated some reactions that I’m not quite used to receiving whenever I click “post”.

Firstly, there was confusion over that blog title. Sagacity Redux. What the hell is that? Well, it was a (possibly weak) attempt on my part to coin a catchphrase. Actually, that’s a bit bold, I wasn’t meaning to do something so illustrious. I just wanted to capture a new focus in my blog life, a definite decision to give color and texture to a recent choice to actually stop caring about whether or not people are offended by my blog posts.

“Sagacity Redux“, in short, and despite what linguists and English-language scholars and other insufferably dreary anal-obsessive people might think, is my way of announcing a “return to clarity”. That’s what I want it to mean, and that’s what it’s going to mean. I’m hacking my way out of the dense forest of political-correctness and back into the open field of unadorned, unsweetened, simple truth. At least as I see it.

Secondly, and I’m tipping my hat to my dedicated blog enthusiasts (did I mention that I love you?) once again, there was an outcry that my long-form stories would cease. This is hardly the case. I shall not fail in my epic-centricity. (Yes, I’m making up another phrase. Once you let the cat out…)

I promise whole-heartedly to continue turning a minor, two-second incident involving lip gloss into a twenty-part post-fest that will ramble on for three months. Thus I swear.

But there is a twist now. Mixed in with these extended travelogues and episodic character arcs where we watch beloved story-people transition over time into something we would never have imaged 12 posts ago, we will have the succinct, direct invectives that have rattled around in my brain yet have been ignored in deference to keeping everyone happy.

That is no longer the case. Forthwith, no limits.

Because really, haven’t the decent people played nice for way too long?

So here’s a little taste:

The rabid foaming-at-the-mouth coming from the Far Right, with their inane desire to totally destroy this country just to prove a pointless point based on a crazed conceptualization (wait, was that word too big for you?) of what a society should be, is something that should be stopped at all costs. What happened in your childhood that completely sucked the humanity out of your disillusioned, vindictive, history-defying, racist shell of a soul?

And stop pointing at bibles and higher powers and expense accounts from the Koch brothers to justify your actions. This is on YOU. You have completely missed the boat on this, adrift in a sea of your own making, waters populated by subhuman primates who grunt and clap at the destruction and death of people they don’t like, a wailing, cancerous congregation of desecration, bowing low at the altar of ignorance.

(My apologies to the peaceful gorillas and orangutans of the world. No offense intended, that “primate” business just spilled out in the passion of the moment. Love that outfit you‘re wearing, really do.)

Okay, then. Said and done. Quite cleansing, actually. I’m sure that some of my blog followers will hit the delete button and scurry for the hills. Fine by me. I’ve moved beyond the minefield of playing nice and trying to make everyone happy. And I’ve arrived at the intersection of Do The Right Thing and Get Off My Planet If You Don’t Have A Soul.

Stay tuned. And thank you for sticking with me this far. Peace….

Michelle Bachmann Interprets The Bill Of Rights (With Assistance From Jesus)

Note: Michelle was recently asked to speak about the original amendments to the Constitution during a meeting of the Daughters of White People convention. Why this invitation was extended, we may never know, but we were able to find Michelle’s rumpled and stained speech notes in a discarded box of Reversion Therapy pamphlets. Let’s peruse, shall we?

I. Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people to peaceably assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

Holy cow! This really IS in there. Right at the top of the page. Well, I can’t let this get out. Um… okay, I’ll make a joke about Obama, something about his ears, then I’ll say what it really means is “God formed this country because he was mad at people not listening to him and we need to put Church before Congress!” (I always have fun saying things like that, even if I don’t really know what it means.)

I’m not going to worry about the “peaceably to assemble” and “redress of grievances” part. My people don’t understand big words, they won’t care. And we’ll have Fox News say that Obama put that part in with his stimulus package.

II. A well-regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed.

Oh, this is the one that Sarah keeps babbling about. Good, she was right, we can shoot people whenever we want and nobody can stop us. Not sure why they’re talking about “bears” though, I’ll have to ask Sarah, she’s the one that hunts so she can get more votes. And the “fringe” stuff? Like on a dress? Maybe Marcus knows, he likes pretty clothes.

And what’s a “militia”? Is that one of the Obama kids?

III. No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

What is THIS? No idea. Um, let’s change it to say that Social Security should not be quartered in the House of Representatives, and that means we have to get rid of it. Does that make sense? I think so, but check with John B., he knows about people being in a House when they shouldn’t be.

IV. The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.

Wait, I thought the Patriot Act got rid of all this crap. No wonder those ungodly liberals whine so much. Note to self: Check with George II to see why he didn’t have this changed like he was told to do. But make sure Marcus is still protected, can’t run a primary with a trial going on. Also check for Bible passages about The Lord owning your body, soul and real estate, and how you are his special proxy on Earth.

V. No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a Grand Jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or the militia, when in actual-

This one’s too damn long. (Whoops, sorry Jesus.) And they threw me off with that Obama kid again. Wait, further down, there’s the part where you don’t have to be a witness at your own trial. The Lord is good, yes He is, He protects his proxies and stuff. Check with Legal: Can you even put a Messenger of God ON trial? I wouldn’t think so. So I’m going to say you can’t, that God’s law trumps all. (I am SO good at this!)

VI. In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, by an impartial jury of the State and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation; to be confronted with the witnesses against him; to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense.

Oh, hell no, ALL of this has got to go. This makes it sound like you have to have facts and stuff, and that’s no way to run a campaign or a government, facts just get in the way of the message. And witnesses? You get RID of witnesses, you don’t want them talking to nobody. Check with Legal: If I only say something on TV and not in a courtroom, I’m not liable, right? Oh, screw it, Jesus loves me, this I know. And it’s not like our people care about the laws.

VII. In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury-

I don’t even have the time for this one and I don’t care. I’ll skip it and make another joke, something smarmy about that satanic Rachel Maddow and her stupid percentages and polls. My people can’t count past three. Be sure to mention the lesbian bit. That always gets a redneck to put down his beer and pick up a misspelled picket sign that supports my platform, him and his three teeth screaming on the TV. (Sorry again, Jesus, for speaking of a neighbor in an unchaste way, but you have chosen me to lead them, and sometimes it’s a little bit hard. Blessed be.)

VIII. Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted.

Hmm. Not sure about this one. Sounds good, because sometimes our Christian Army is temporarily felled by lawsuits from the Unbelievers, and we need to get them out of the jails as soon as we can, back to praying and not watching anything but Fox News. Don’t really care, though. Check to see what Rick P. thinks about this one, and then support the other side. (I have better hair than he does and I deserve to win. Texas already had a good long run at taking over this country, now it’s my turn.)

IX. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people.

No idea. But I like how that first part sounds, and I can turn it into a speech. “The enumeration in the Constitution guarantees that anything I vote for is right!” Or something like that. Don’t really care for the bit about not getting to deny people things. That’s just not my nature. Find another Bible passage to negate that, something Old Testament.

X. The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people.

Oh, this is the one that Rick P. likes. Not sure if he’s read the whole thing, though, especially the part at the end about “or to the people”. That sounds like they can go against what the governor wants. Well, at least the number of rednecks in Texas outnumber the people who actually think, so he’ll probably keep winning. Lucky bastard.

Sorry again, Jesus, for the cursing. It’s just that a woman has needs, and it’s been a very long time. A little tense, here. But I’ll get through it, I know you want me to, even though you stopped returning my phone calls and I only hear from you when the meds are kicking in. Love and kisses, Michelle.