10 Comforting Lies You Can Tell Yourself About That Stupid Diet You’re Supposed To Be On

1. The bathroom scale is clearly possessed by demons.

  There can be no other explanation for the erratic way those damn numbers keep saying the wrong thing and going in the wrong direction. Cleanse your house of evil spirits. Leave the tainted scales on the front steps of a local church (Pentecostal if you can find one) and then go buy a new machine.

2. Anything that you only take a small bite of doesn’t count.

  A tiny little nibble of forbidden fruit shouldn’t result in a bad report card. In fact, you’re really just doing a quality check to protect the lives of other people who are allowed to eat gallons of whatever they want. If you didn’t take the time to make sure that the coconut cream pie was up to standard, then other people might suffer, and you don’t want that on your conscience.

3. The area directly in front of the fridge is a no-calorie zone.

  If you stand in front of the refrigerator with the door open, anything you consume is immediately disqualified from any statistical record-keeping. As long as that little light stays on, shining down on the shelves of goodies, you’re golden. If necessary, pay a small child to hold the door for you as you attack things like whole pizzas or cream-heavy casseroles that require the use of both hands.

4. Cows are considered sacred in India.

  This means that you should have cheese on everything that you eat, because not doing so would be an affront to the religious affiliation of a very large number of people. Cows make milk. Milk can make cheese. Rudely ignoring the deliciousness of cheese means that you don’t revere the goodness of the cow, and that’s just disrespectful, because we should all support one another. We are the world. We are the cheese-eaters.

5. Tasteless, low-fat frozen dinners are an affront to civilization.

  Societies have managed to survive for thousands of years without eating watery nuggets of mystery meat and immense amounts of broccoli that have been flash-frozen and then nuked in a microwave. Why mess with tradition? Besides, we all know that something is wrong with those dinners. If the manufacturer has to add 8,000 milligrams of sodium, they’re covering up some kind of mess in there that we should avoid.

6. Chocolate is being unjustly persecuted.

  Why do the doctors hate chocolate? What has it ever done to anybody? All it does is sit there and look really desirable, and what’s wrong with that? Take a stand and support the downtrodden. Occupy Hershey.

7. Treadmills are really over-rated.

  After all, you’re not actually going anywhere. What’s the point? You might as well try to be productive and walk to an actual destination. Preferably one that serves ice cream.

8. Protein is necessary for your body to function as it should.

  Which means you need to get it wherever you can. These are busy times, people. We don’t all have the luxury to grow our own organic tofu or personally hand-pick soybeans. We’re on a tight schedule. If that means you need to get your protein from the Big Boy Country Platter at the local Grease-O-Rama Diner, then so be it. We do what we have to do.

9. If you’re at a restaurant and you tip your food server well, then all fat grams are instantly negated.

  It’s true. Surplus cash left on the table erases bad-food decisions. So order what you want. Just be nice with the stack of appreciation dollar bills as you belch and fight your way out of the booth.

10. America is fixated with unrealistic body image expectations.

  Just sayin. Do what you can, try to be good, avoid the really awful stuff that you shouldn’t be putting in your mouths. But don’t beat yourself down. Everybody is different, everybody has different challenges, and everybody has a unique purpose and place. Love yourself.

Cheers.