Searching For Signal: #119 - “Survivor” - Heroes vs. Villains - Episode 8

We start out with the Villains arriving back at camp after the ouster of Rob. As expected, Russell is being his usual blowhard self, while Parvati is throwing out lines like “I just love blindsiding people” and Danielle is doing a shimmy dance of celebration and backstabbing. Nothing new, really.

Cut to Coach in a sidebar: “Russell is a bully.” He’s playing to prove his power and not playing to win the game. Normally don’t care for Coach, but that was a pretty on-target. I’m sure I sound like a broken record, but Russell’s ego is his own worst enemy.

Then we have Coach and Jerri standing on a beach, with everything looking all stark and dreary like we’re trapped in an Ingmar Bergman film where everybody is sad and people die. Jerri is quibbling about whether or not it was a smart move to send Rob home, and Coach surprises me again by directly confronting her: “Why were you so quick to get rid of him?” Jerri gets a little snippy about it, but really doesn’t answer the question. Why DID you do that, Jerri? You think Russell has any intention of paying it forward with you? But Jerri just stands there in a dramatic pose while the wind whips her mass of hair around, causing a planetary imbalance.

Another sidebar with Coach, talking about the Villains chances as a tribe: “We’re toast. Pray for the merge.”

Roll opening credits. (Followed by a batch of commercials, including one for the TV show “Medium”. Seriously? That show is still on? And is Patricia Arquette ever going to find a haircut that is actually flattering?)

Now we’re at the Heroes camp, where everyone is fiddling around with the shelter in some unexplained effort to improve it. Except for JT. He goes wandering off to find the hidden Immunity Idol. (Wait, isn’t HE the one that said they should all find it together and use it together? Interesting.) Amanda, who does have moments of inspiration from time to time before she lapses back into catatonia, decides to follow him.

We see JT find the Idol, followed two seconds later by Amanda confronting him about what he’s doing. He fesses up, and shows her the hallowed green thing. Then Candice comes running down the same path, and he has to show her. Within a few more seconds, the whole tribe knows. JT, doing some spin control: “I’ll give it to the first one of us that needs it. After the merge.” Good save, JT. But really, don’t you think there’s going to be some fallout from you breaking your own directive?

Turns out, yes there is. Candice wanders over to Amanda, who is busy adjusting her cleavage for the cameras: “Good thing you walked up on him.” Then Candice in a sidebar, where she proclaims JT the “slimiest thing” around. She goes on for a while about JT being Satan with a broken tooth. Come on, Candice. You’re the one that kept changing tribes every other episode in your original season.

But Candice isn’t done with the JT thing. She tracks down Amanda again, digging for dirt. “JT’s in an alliance with everyone. Is he in an alliance with you?” Amanda gets an expression on her face like she would rather stab herself in the eye with Rupert’s broken toe before admitting that she IS in cahoots, sort of, with JT. Then she comes back with: “Is he in an alliance with YOU?” They glare at each other for a while.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Russell and Danielle are eating what appear to be barbequed rocks. Not sure what that was. Then we have more scenes with people talking about how hungry they are, and other scenes with weakened people lying on the beach, their energy depleted, especially Jerri, who apparently can’t lift her head because her hair is too heavy.

Luckily, tree mail arrives so we don’t have to see anymore of that mess. There’s a challenge coming up, but the description is kind of vague. Some of the Villains decide that it’s going to be an “individual” challenge, and therefore the tribes are about to merge. That’s not how I took it. Then again, I’m sitting in the comfort of my home, while these people are eating rocks and believing anything Russell says. In any case, the Villains decide to pack up everything in camp in case they aren’t coming back.

Time for the Reward Challenge.

Both tribes traipse into the playing area and have to pass a rustic little hut where steaming pizzas and sodas and such are on display. When the Heroes realize that the Villains have sent home Rob, all of their jaws drop. Jeff jumps on this, asking them what they think.

Rupert jumps right in and further confirms that he has lost his credibility and respect this season, spouting off about Rob’s departure confirming that this is the result of an “all-girl alliance” on the Villains tribe. How the hell did you get THAT, Rupe? If you’re really paying attention, you would realize that Russell is currently running the show over at the other camp. Oh wait. In order to realize this, you would have to get off your Yoda log and do some actual work. My bad.

Then Jeff stokes the fire by babbling about how long they’ve been out there on the island, and the tribes are whittling down. The Villains are cheering and waving their campfire accessories. The Heroes are gulping and not really relishing a merge at this point. (If they only knew about the dissension in the Villains camp, they would actually welcome a merge, since they would instantly gain some disgruntled flippers.) Jeff finally comes out with: “Everybody drop your…. expectations.” No merge. The Villains now look silly, and the Heroes look relieved.

On to the actual challenge, which is basically “Survivor Bowling”, with the first tribe to win three rounds gaining access to the pizza. The Heroes get off to a great start, solidly winning the first two rounds. Then they hit a speed bump in the third round, where Colby does a dumbass move and thinks he’s playing volleyball, spiking the ball instead of rolling it. Russell takes that round for the Villains. (Grrr.) Then Amanda seals it for the Heroes by taking the third round. The Villains now have to drag all that crap back home, with nothing to show for it.

Cut to the pizza feast a bit later, with the Heroes shoving crusty goodness into their mouths. While they chew, JT announces that he’s also a believer in the “all-girl” alliance in the other tribe. He thinks this means that Russell and Coach are now sitting ducks. Woo hoo!

Poor disillusioned people. Hope you really enjoy that pizza before you have to come back to reality.

Cut over to the Villains camp, where Jerri is just really mad. Period. She thinks the people who were convinced that this was a merge made the tribe look like idiots. (Okay, fair point. But girl, be careful. Any single thing you do when the numbers start to dwindle can shine a spotlight on you. Then again, you sent Rob home over Russell. You‘re not my favorite person right now.)

Jerri’s also not pleased that Courtney and Sandra sat out the Reward Challenge, because it means they HAVE to play in the Immunity Challenge, and that’s not a good thing. (Another fair point, but this announcement instantly pisses off Courtney, Sandra and Coach, who actually made the decision. Whoopsie.) Then Jerri heads down Suicide Avenue, singling out Sandra and slamming her unfairly, putting words in Sandra’s mouth that she simply did not say.

Sandra in a sidebar: “This is the worst tribe, EVER.”

Sandra and Courtney then get together on yet another random stretch of beach. Interestingly enough (to me, anyway), their anger is not directed toward Jerri, but toward Coach, who decided to have them sit out the Reward Challenge. Sandra is going to go put a fictitious bug in Russell’s ear that Coach is gunning to get Russell out of the game. Oh boy.

Quick scene with Courtney and Coach on the beach, with Courtney babbling away. “Everyone is just blindly going along with what Russell wants.” (Very true.) Then Courtney grabs this giant driftwood branch and uses it to make her way down the beach. The branch is thicker than she is. I don’t know how she was able to lift it, let alone use it as a support device.

Scene with Russell and Sandra, where Russell is going on about having spied Courtney talking to Coach, and therefore they must be working together. This man is so paranoid about everything . How does he sleep? Sandra doesn’t care about his mental hang-ups, at all. Once she can get a word in, she launches with her lie about Coach gunning for Russell. Which is somewhat plausible, until Sandra stupidly says that Coach is feeling bad about voting to send Rob home. Coach DIDN’T vote for Rob to leave, he voted for Courtney. Russell has got to know this.

But the damage has been done. Russell throws logic out the window. Any time he perceives a possible threat to his egomaniacal kingdom, he’s going to lash out. Sandra understands this, so you have to give her credit, despite her misguided intentions.

Sandra in a sidebar: “Russell doesn’t know what he’s in for.” True to an extent, because you just twisted him. But what is your follow-through going to be? Don’t just throw a brick and run. You need to be ready with another brick. And of course, new lies that synch up with your old lies. It’s hard work.

Another quick scene with Russell and Parvati. He’s in full “trash Coach” mode, repeating Sandra’s lies as if they were gospel. Parvati doesn’t care about the “why”, she’s psyched about the drama. If they send Coach home, the Heroes tribe is going to bite even further into the illusion that there’s this “all-girl” alliance going on with the Villains. And after the merge, the Heroes will race to align with Russell, thinking he’s on the outs. And Russell can get the scoop on what the Heroes are up to. High-five!

Time for the Immunity Challenge.

The Survivors have to basically run through a mud-filled obstacle course, grab a flag at the end of the course, then race back. The first tribe to get two flags wins. (Only two? For an Immunity Challenge? Is Jeff tired?) There are going to be pairs of runners belted together, as well as individual Survivors, depending on the round.

First up, we have Amanda and Candice going against Russell and Sandra. Everyone starts out with exuberance, but the Villains quickly fall apart. Correction: Sandra falls apart. Once she’s coated in mud (which takes about two seconds), she can barely move. Eventually Russell is just dragging Sandra along as she weakly chokes on mouthfuls of mud. The Heroes easily take the round.

Next we have Rupert versus Coach, and this one is actually very close until the sprint at the end, where Rupert just can’t run on that bum foot. The Villains take the flag and we’re tied. Finally, it’s JT and Colby against Parvati and Courtney. The guys pull it off and the Heroes win Immunity. Then the camera pans to Courtney lying in the mud pit. (You only know she’s there because you can see her eyes. Otherwise you would think it’s just a tree root.) It seems she’s sprained her ankle. Jeff signals for Medical.

Cut to the Villains camp afterward, with folks splashing in the ocean and trying to chisel off the caked mud. Then we have a sidebar with Coach, where he goes off on one of his Dragon Slayer rants, because he hasn’t yet done so this episode, and we gotta get THAT in. He’s mad about the “forced-five” alliance that he’s now in because Jerri flipped to Russell’s side. (Dude, you don’t have to do anything just because of Big Hair. In fact, you didn’t even vote the same way she did with the Rob thing. Why is everybody forgetting how Coach voted the last time? Even, apparently, Coach.)

Coach then wanders up to Russell, and tries to get the scoop about what’s going on. Russell, for once, really doesn’t have anything to say and just stands there staring out at the sea, probably looking for a cruise ship to float by with a “We heart Russell!” banner on the side. Russell explains his silence in a sidebar: “Coach is going home.”

Well, maybe not.

A very irritated Danielle comes running up to Russell. What are you thinking? “We need to KEEP Coach!” We’ve got to win some challenges, and we aren’t going to do that with Sandra and Courtney barely able to feed themselves. They really get into it, yelling and screaming, until Russell does what he always does when confronted with sound logic that he can’t get around. He calls Danielle a stupid girl and then stomps off. Nice.

Sidebar with Danielle, where she’s furious with Russell over the Coach vote.

Sidebar with Sandra and Courtney, where they really want Coach to go. (Of course they do, because it means they get to be useless for another week.)

Then, out of the blue, Russell comes running up to Parvati and still-steaming Danielle. He’s changed his mind. Danielle’s right. Let’s send Courtney home. (Where did THAT come from? What is he up to?)

Sidebar with Parvati, where she is just flummoxed by this crazy tribe. They cannot seem to work together. (To be fair, Parv, you’re only working with Danielle and Russell as you throw everybody else under the bus. Not exactly the best way to keep the tribe loyal, right?)

Time for Tribal.

Jeff gets right to the point: You’ve sent home Tyson, you’ve sent home Rob, and you’ve lost the last four challenges in a row. Bad decisions? Suddenly everybody’s yelling, either in denial or just because it’s fun. At one point, Jeff suddenly gets worked up about Courtney for some reason, and starts slamming her, calling her useless and saying that she sent Rob home. She didn’t VOTE for Rob. When Courtney tries to point this out, Jeff repeats it. Then he purposely stirs up Coach to go after Courtney. What is Jeff’s deal? Was the bill from Medical too high?

Finally Courtney has had enough, and she unleashes with exactly what she thinks about everything. And she’s 90% spot-on with what she says. (Which irritates half the tribe, since nobody wants the truth to come out at Tribal, because then you don’t get a blind-side and the ratings drop.) Courtney ends with “I’m a determined little bit**!” Sandra really enjoys that line. “You deserve a bump, girl.” And they do.

Time to vote.

Coach, Russell and Jerri vote for Courtney. Sandra, Courtney, Danielle and Parvati vote for Coach. What just happened? Not only did Danielle and Parvati split from Russell, they voted for someone that Danielle wanted to keep. Are they just mad at Russell and did it out of spite?

Or is there really an all-girl alliance after all? Hmm. Surely not. But we clearly were not shown some pivotal scenes that must have taken place at some point. And Russell may have just lost control.

In any case, the Yoga Slayer has exited the building…

Beer Busted: The Return, Part I

  Note: This is a follow-up to the “Beer Busted” series that was originally posted last year. If you didn’t have the chance to read them the first time (or just want to re-visit the madness) you can click HERE.

  Since some of you had a special place in your heart for the colorful denizens of the Cool Breeze emporium, I thought it might be fun to provide an update on this eye-opening land of special people with questionable needs. This lovely establishment is still the nearest locale wherein we can purchase adult beverages, so I’m in there all the time. There have been some changes, while other things remain the same.

  The parking lot is still a crapshoot of unintentional suicide and grief. At any hour of the day, there’s a constant stream of drunken people trying to maneuver decrepit, illegal vehicles from one spot to another. You’re a fool if you don’t take this into consideration. This is not a place of sunshine and happiness. It’s a struggle for survival.

  But surprisingly, the owner, Mr. Kim, has scaled back the action at the drive-thru. The Window of Death is not open nearly as much as it used to be. Most of the time, that window has a sad little sign blinking “Closed”. (I’m guessing there’s a lawsuit pending.) To reinforce the closed status of the drive-thru, the staff has taken to dragging this big plastic barrel in front of the window during the down times so idiot inbreeds who can’t read will be able to surmise that they will actually have to get out of their car and enter the building if they wish to make a purchase.

  This plan doesn’t always work.

  The poor plastic barrel has become a focus of hatred for the low-lifes that crawl into this place. They are actually running over the barrel and pulling up to the unoccupied window. Seriously. And then they honk, like this is going to change the situation in any way. And look, there’s actually a sign in the drive-thru window that says “Don’t honk. We will ignore you.”

  Of course, the barrel-killers aren’t the only people with a missing lug nut or two. Some folks do manage to park (usually wherever they want to or wherever their car chokes and dies) and make their way inside the building. This does not necessarily make them better than the lazy people honking in the drive-thru, they just have a different plan of attack in their apparent evil intent to crush the world with sheer stupidity.

  We still have the issue with the customer restroom. Or in this case, the lack of one. Cool Breeze does not have a public health care option. You need to take care of your recycling activities at some other location. As mentioned previously, there are at least 27 signs posted around the store, fully explaining the situation, using giant letters on vibrant neon poster board. You can NOT miss seeing these things. Some of them are bigger than my car.

  But people are still clueless.

  Every single time I stop by for my usual order, it’s guaranteed that somebody is going to show their ass by starting an argument over the bathroom. Never fails. The employees have resigned themselves to this fate, and just cut off the whiners as soon as possible. “Look, you CAN’T use the bathroom. Do you want this beef jerky or not?”

  Speaking of employees, Smudge is still there (the one with the colorful but primitive tattoos), and she’s still my favorite. We have a great time gossiping about her co-workers and the crazed patrons who can actually be entertaining as long as all sharp objects are carefully hidden. (There’s always down-time at the register as we wait for Mr. Kim’s ancient credit card machine to fire up and start sending smoke signals to the bank for transaction approval.)

  In fact, just the other day, Smudge shared something very interesting with me.

  Mrs. Kim, the owner’s wife or mother or sister (it’s never been very clear, and I’ve never asked for any details) has a crush on me. Although this sounds very sweet and all, recent developments have led me to believe that Mrs. Kim has been studying a certain movie where Glenn Close did  not get what she wanted. The initial conversation went something like this:

  Smudge: “You know, the Kims think you’re something.” It appears that she is trying to suppress a grin. She knows more than she’s telling.

  Me: “Really?” I quickly glance over to the section of the store where the Kims are usually found, chattering rapidly about one thing or another. Mr. Kim is not there. (He’s probably outside, standing the barrel back up or erasing the chalky outline of a body on the pavement.) Mrs. Kim is present, and she appears to be fascinated with an empty box, staring at it quizzically.

  Smudge: “Yep. Mr. Kim always makes sure we have your beer, and Mrs. Kim always makes sure we have your cigarettes. She orders an extra carton just for you.” Smudge puts an emphasis on “extra carton” that makes it somehow sound carnal.

  Me: “Oh? Well, that’s really great. I like them, too.” (Not sure why I threw out that last bit, since I haven’t really considered whether I like them or not. I only see them two minutes at a time, and usually they are wrestling a six-pack out of some minor’s hands. Guess I was just trying to keep the conversation going.)

  Smudge: “AND” (okay, here’s the big reveal) “Mrs. Kim really likes you. She likes the way you look.” Well, that gets my attention. Somebody likes my appearance? You now have my full attention. More, please.

  Then Smudge kills my just-kindled flame of excitement. “She likes that you’re clean-shaven.”

  Clean-shaven? Mrs. Kim is turned on because I use a razor? That is the least sexy thing I’ve ever heard. Hell, that’s not even worth a blog entry. I start to pout slightly. My self-pity is interrupted by an odd, high-pitched yelp from the Kim corner of the store.

  We both glance over there, to find that the corner is empty. Mrs. Kim has vanished. But it had to have been her yelp, sounded just like her. And the poor thing has always been very excitable, launching into a startled panic at the slightest thing. Everything startles her. Noises. Loud voices. Air.

  Smudge: “She must have heard us talking. She’s embarrassed.”

  Great. Thanks, Smudge. Now they will never have my things in stock. I’ll have to start doing my marketing at the next-closest beer barn, “Bobby Joe’s House O’ Kegs and Corn Nuts.” I grab my beer and head out the door.

  On my very next visit, I find out the Mrs. Kim has not been devastated by the revelation of her secret love. In fact, she has been emboldened and freed. She’s at the counter when I check out, and her face explodes with an enormous smile. Then she rubs her hands along both cheeks and then points at mine. “Smooth!” Then she cackles merrily and grabs the scanner wand thing.

  Eventually, the decrepit register spits out the credit card slip, and she hands it to me for my signature. As I reach for a pen lying on the counter, she suddenly snatches it up and throws it on the floor behind her. “Dirty pen!” she screams, then races off to the side, grabs something out of a box, races back, and hands me another implement, presented with a startling flourish. “Special pen for YOU!”

  Somewhat unnerved now, I smile weakly, scribble my name, then hand the slip and the pen back to her. She tosses the piece of paper aside, fondles the pen for a bit while staring at it lovingly, then gently returns the pen to her hope chest.

  I don’t even want to know what her intentions are with that pen. I make my escape.

  Next visit, when she sees me approaching the counter, Mrs. Kim practically knocks Smudge out of the way so she can get to the register first. She already has the lusty pen in one hand, and has two packs of my cigarette brand in the other. She takes much longer than necessary to arrange the two packs on the counter, as if she’s preparing a sacrificial gift to Buddha, shoves her body up against the counter in such a way that her… twins… are proffered proudly, throws her arms wide open and barks “Give!”

  God I hope she’s talking about the 12-pack that I’m holding.

  I glance at Smudge, who’s standing behind Mrs. Kim and is nearly doubled over as she tries not to laugh. Hate her. She’s dead to me now.

  I cautiously slide the 12-pack toward Mrs. Kim, making sure that I snap my hand away as soon as possible so that there’s not any accidental foreplay. Mrs. Kim then takes three years to complete the transaction, giggling and cooing and rubbing her cheeks the entire time. There’s actually some lip-licking and unnecessary garment adjusting. Finally, we’re done. Well, almost.

  Mrs. Kim’s eyes light up even further. “I carry to car for you!”

  “No, no, that’s okay, I got it. But thank you.” I clutch the 12-pack to my chest and start to turn.

  Mrs. Kim is not deterred. “Free bag ice with 12-pack!”

  “No, that’s okay. I have plenty of ice.” (Back at home, where my GAY boyfriend is waiting on me, you confused little trollop.) “But thanks again!”

  “YES! Free ice! I carry to car. Free!”

  “No, really, I don’t need-”

  “FREE!” Mrs. Kim then clatters around the end of the counter, throws open the little bagged-ice freezer, rips one of the frosty bags out with surprising ease, then trottles right past me, breathing heavily. “I carry to car. Come! We talk. Nice night!” Then she’s out the door.

  I turn to Smudge in shock. What the hell am I going to do now?

  Smudge just grins.


Click Here to Read the Next Entry in This Series.

Backup Dancers From Hell: Lady Gaga - "Bad Romance"

Holy cow this is a busy video. So let’s get going…

We start out with all these freaky-looking people in a white room. For those of you who know movie history, think Stanley Kubrick’s “Eyes Wide Shut” crossed with any movie that Ken Russell ever directed. No one looks very happy but that’s not stopping them from posing artfully…

We zoom in on Gaga, and I do mean zoom in. You can almost see France, if you know what I’m saying. The camera closes in on her fingers with weird chicken-wire nail polish as she pushes a button on this thing, and then all hell breaks loose.

First we have several shots of these odd pod things (maybe tanning beds? incubators for the Gaga army that is about to take over the world?) mixed with shots of alcohol bottles. Then a helpful title appears explaining that this is the “Bath Haus of Gaga”. Really? I never even want to go there and I’ve only seen ten seconds of it. Please take me off your mailing list. Thanks.

The pods open, and hoo boy, some surprising little things crawl out. They’re human, thankfully, but they appear to be sheathed in white latex. Even their faces are covered and the top of their heads have white spiky things. They start to line dance, with Lady as the lead dancer, which I guess you would naturally do when exiting a pod at the Gaga Bath Haus. No telling where this is going now.

Oh, looks like we’re going to a bathtub, where Lady is sporting an Annie Lennox-on-acid hairdo and proving that she is very limber by basically throwing her leg over her head. We also have another room where Lady is dressed in black and singing to herself in a mirror, with a black spiky hat that sort of matches the dancing pod people. So she’s a bad pod person?

Now we cut between the three: the line-dancing white pod people, the Lady wallering around in the bathtub, and the Lady that just wants to look at herself in a mirror (oh, and sort of play with her nether region just because she can). This goes on for a while.

Side note: the quick cut where Bathtub Lady is looking off to the side and then rolls her head forward and does the thing with her eyes? Totally wild, and possibly my favorite bit in this video crammed full of images designed to impress you with the fact that Lady Gaga’s life is obviously way more exciting than your own.

Just as we kick into the chorus (I guess it’s the chorus. It’s hard to tell with Lady Gaga songs.) some rude women break in and try to drag Bathing Lady out of the bathtub. (She just wants to be clean, people, let her scrub the dirtiness away if she wants to.) She puts up a fight but they eventually get her out and tear off her blouse to show their displeasure with her actions.

Yes, Bathtub Gaga was bathing while clothed. Just accept and go on. To show HER displeasure with their rudeness and the rending of her garment, Lady then thrusts her breasts at the interlopers. This is now officially a catfight, so the rude women up the ante by forcing Bathtub Lady to drink some mysterious clear liquid.

In the mean time, we have another version of Lady Gaga, this one surprisingly free of avant garde outfits and accessories. And she’s acting all emo. Is this Vulnerable Gaga? Does such a thing exist? Is this a trick?

Okay, now we’ve got another Lady Gaga, or maybe this is one we’ve already seen, it’s getting very confusing. This one is sporting an outfit covered in graffiti. But rude go-go booted women rip it off of her, so maybe this is really Bathtub Gaga, since there were rude women in the bathtub scenes. Once the graffiti is gone, we see that this version of Gaga is sporting skimpy beaded thingies that really don’t cover much. Then the rude women pick her up and lug her to a group of men.

While Beaded Gaga and her cohorts suddenly start line-dancing for the men, we get shots of another Gaga, or maybe an extra, don’t know, who is nude, looking really anorexic, and I think she’s taking a shower, but I don’t really see any water. Whatever she’s doing, she’s very skinny.

Beaded Gaga and the Gaga-Ettes continue to line dance for the men, eventually ending up on their knees crawling toward the men while Gaga sings “I want your love.” That’s great for the self-esteem, crawl up to a group of men, begging for their love. Do these women realize they can actually vote these days?

Oh, it turns out that these men are actually bidding to “win” Lady Gaga, as we can see by the voting results on convenient laptops off to one side. (At first, I thought Lady Gaga was just obnoxiously showing her sky-rocketing profits. I had to rewind.) One of the guys apparently wins, but first the women have to do another line dance. Not sure why. Maybe it’s protocol.

It’s a long line dance. While this is going on, we get jump scenes of Lady Gaga in lots of other outfits. (The costume budget on this video must have been enormous.) We have Gaga in black bra and panties, standing still in a frozen spray of ice cubes while the camera circles. There’s Gaga in some type of metal gear where I think she’s explaining the solar system.

And then we have Gaga in this golden outfit that is totally out there, with a hairdo that looks like she has a loaf of bread shoved up in that mess and making her look like Gary Oldman in Francis Ford Coppola’s version of “Dracula”. My guess is that most of the fashion budget went right there.

Eventually we get to the part where Gaga has to go… sleep? trade outfits?… with the guy who bought her. And we start jump-cutting all over the place. We re-visit almost all of the Gaga’s, and there’s a new batch of line dancers, this time dressed in skimpy red but just as flexible as the other team.

As Purchased Gaga approaches the bed where the winner is waiting, she apparently uses her mystical powers to set the bed on fire. (I hope the poor guy bought the maintenance plan for this product as well, because I don‘t think the regular warranty is going to cover destruction of bedding.) The jump-cutting to all the Gaga’s intensifies, but mostly focuses on the red line dancers where Gaga has picked up yet another hairdo somewhere along the way.

Final scene has one of the Gaga’s (I have no idea) in the scorched bed. Her purchaser is just bones, but she seems to be fine other than her breasts appear to be short-circuiting. The camera slowly pans backwards while a snippet of classical music plays, yet another tribute to film-making, and another reminder that Lady Gaga is all about The Art.

Lesson learned? Take a bath at home. You’ll be glad you did. There’s no need to bathe in a public setting, because it will just lead to singing, dancing and death by fire.

Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.