Monday, April 5, 2010

10 Reasons Why Coffee Can Transform Your Life

1. You now have a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

Yes, I’m sure there are a number of mighty fine reasons to actually pull back the covers and face the day (the chance to see a loved-one’s face, the opportunity to make more money to buy things you don’t really need, even happy-ass birds chirping outside the window.) Kudos to you if you are one of those slightly-twisted people who can leap from dead slumber to full activity using nothing but natural energy.

I’m not one of those people.

When dawn breaks, I lay there in devastated horror, repeatedly slamming my fist on the snooze button until it finally snaps off or the house catches on fire. I don’t want to move, ever. The only thing that gets even a minimal amount of enthusiasm out of me is the promise of heated caffeine. Once my addled brain is able to focus on this brewed bait, I can be dressed and racing down the hall in seven seconds.

2. You learn to be consistent with routines.

If you are a serious coffee drinker, you understand what I mean when I say that there is only way one to properly prepare your particular cup of heaven. Things must be done in a certain order. (My requirements: sweetner first, only one packet, at the bottom of the cup, followed by the actual coffee, and then the creamer.)

Don’t even try to be nice and make a cup for me if you can’t follow the rules. One sip and I will know instantly if you have deviated in any way, I don’t care how much you stir. And if you screw it up, I probably will not be speaking to you the rest of the morning. Adjust your life accordingly.

3. You are better equipped to handle rush hour traffic.

Caffeine and sugar can get you through a lot of things, but those two delightful ingredients are especially effective on the nation’s roadways. First, they give you the energy to cut off other cars with minimal concern, race around corners on two wheels, and fly through intersections even though the light has been red for two minutes. Go, speed racer, go.

However, if you fail in your aggressive maneuvers for some reason (perhaps your latte shifted precariously in the cup holder and demanded your full attention, causing you to miss an exit), and you find yourself stalled in geriatric traffic, you can still put your boundless energy to good use. Utilize the car horn and your vocal cords to pronounce your dissatisfaction. Maybe throw in a hand gesture or two that provide instructional direction for the idiot up yonder. Whatever you do, don’t let the slow people have the final word on any topic.

4. Your work performance will improve dramatically.

It is truly remarkable what you can accomplish when your body is vibrating. Since you can’t sit still, you will have no choice but to finalize spreadsheets and produce stunning presentations full of colorful graphs and enthusiastic words. Be careful, however, that you don’t become TOO invested in your email and lose track of time. You don’t want to miss that first coffee break with it’s all-important booster shot, or your life could change for the worse in the blink of a quivering eyelid. (Not that you can actually blink right now, sitting there all bug-eyed and hyper, but anyway.)

5. You can amaze others with your ability to speak rapidly.

This is really fun. Now that your capacity for speech delivery is three times faster than the national human average, you can terrorize your co-workers with the inane gush of verbiage you can spew. For extra laffs, be sure to corner a workmate who doesn’t drink coffee and therefore doesn’t understand why you are talking like that. Watch their eyes widen in fear as you reach maximum speed, sounding like a Mynah bird on crack. I guarantee you at least one of them will drop to their knees in fervent prayer. (They also might try to stab you with a pencil, so never turn your back on them.)

6. You can lose weight.

When consumed continuously, you can survive for weeks on nothing but coffee and air. Hurray!

7. You can impress people by purchasing expensive beverages.

Nothing says “I have arrived” like walking through the door holding a concoction from Starbuck’s that costs more than a year’s tuition at the state university. Be sure you hold the cup in a way so that everyone can see all the special instructions scribbled on the side, confirming you are indeed one of “those people” who take twenty minutes to order while the rest of the line is in tears.

8. You can make good friends.

Coffee drinkers stick together. They will have your back for life. This level of support will prove critical during times of caffeine emergency. Sitting on your kitchen floor in sheer traumatized panic after discovering that you did NOT have a backup bag of coffee beans stashed behind the toaster? No worries. Just hit “2” on your cell phone and Velma Lou will have two tons of freshly-roasted jewels air-lifted to your house within ten minutes.

9. You get to go on a lot of exciting bathroom tours.

Lots of coffee equals lots of peeing. It’s just a fact of nature. You’re going to be running down the hall at work constantly. So make the best of it. You can meet tons of interesting people in bathrooms. You’re going to be seeing a lot of each other, so you might as well get along. If things work out, maybe you can start a Facebook group or even go on trips together. The sky’s the limit.

10. You can now get an amazing number of things done around the house.

As evening approaches, you will be too wired to actually sit down and watch TV or talk to your children. It’s just not possible. So put that energy to use. Tackle the projects that tired people would avoid because they don’t appreciate chemical dependency. Re-tile the bathroom. Clean out the gutters. Build that second story you’ve always talked about. And don’t worry if your frenzied activities take you deep into the night and you realize that you may not get any sleep. It’s all good.

Because in just a few more hours, you can put on another pot of coffee…

1 comment:

  1. Nice post! I am a coffee drinker too but I have not tried your style of preparing coffee. I like brewed coffee. At work we have all sorts of coffee preparation except brewed coffee. It is for free. In this way I do not miss my brewed coffee until I come home. Very true indeed, the only thing I do not like much about being a coffee drinker is going to the bathroom. (lol) Thanks for posting this coffee article. ^_^