10 Reasons Why the Implosion of Texas Stadium is Just Like Real Life

Note: Texas Stadium, the former home of the Dallas Cowboys for nearly 40 years, was demolished yesterday. I really don’t care for football. Never have. But with this being Dallas, where there are local ordinances requiring that even the tiniest bit of self-importance be elevated to behemoth proportions, this was a Big Thing. All of the media outlets in the metroplex had people stationed at the demolition site, with reporters salivating at the chance to turn this into something more than it was. After nearly 24 hours of non-stop coverage, I’ve had time to reflect…

1. Some people will get up at ungodly hours in order to do questionable things.

  Most of the parking lots in the area (and there are tons of them, I know this well because I have to drive through the massive acreage on my way to work) were closed to the public for the Big Bang.  But they did keep one lot open, allowing people to park there, beginning at 2am for the 7am explosion.

  Two o’clock in the morning. On a Sunday. Seriously, who would do that? Yet we have video footage showing carloads of people lined up at 2:01am, with the vehicles crammed full of people doing “the wave” as they motor past. Do these people not understand that they have 5 hours until the button is pushed? Save your strength.

2. Some people will stay awake at ungodly hours in order to do questionable things.

  At 2:02am in the coverage, it became clear that some of the cars were stuffed with people who had never been to bed, and had probably driven directly from the bars after last call. These red-eyed enthusiasts were unable to perform “the wave” with any degree of coordination, but they could certainly lean out the car windows and grunt at the cameras as they feebly tried to keep their go-cups from spilling.

3. There are some really skilled news reporters out there who can put an interesting spin on anything.

  During the inevitable lag time between the opening of the sacred single parking lot and the actual destruction of the stadium, the mass of reporters had a chance to prove their worth. Some failed miserably. (Reporter: “So, are you a fan of the Cowboys?” Oh, come on, girl. Of course they’re a fan. Are you sure you made the right career choice?) But others struggled valiantly to score a scoop.

  Reporter: “So what does this moment mean to you?”

  Van driver: “Moment? Is this a moment?”

  Reporter: “The whole explosion thing? What are your memories of this beloved stadium?”

  Van driver: “Are we at the stadium? This isn’t Whataburger?”

  Reporter, grimacing: “Can you tell me about the good times your family has had watching the Cowboys play?”

  Van driver: “Cowboys? Wait, is this Fort Worth? I thought we were in Dallas.”

  Reporter, trying not to claw her face: “Okay. Well, do you have any kind of connection whatsoever with this parking lot and that stadium right over there that is about to blow up?”

  Van driver: “Do you take coupons? I’ve got one for a free order of fries.”

4. Climate change is affecting our entire world.

  Weeks before the planned hitting-of-the-button, the city of Irving sent out a warning to all of the residents within a one-mile radius of the stadium that they should probably shut off their air-conditioning during the time of the implosion. You know, so your unit won’t suck dust into your home and make everybody sound like Darth Vader.

  This brings up two points of discussion. First, the Dallas Cowboys were playing in a stadium that wasn’t located in Dallas. (For forty years.) By default, this would make them the Irving Cowboys, not the Dallas Cowboys. Am I the only one who thinks there’s been a miscarriage of justice?

  Second, I see a lawsuit coming. Yes, the City of Irving did the right thing. They tried to warn everybody about the dust cloud. But there’s going to be some bitter wretch who files a lawsuit anyway. It’s going to be in the vein of that stupid woman who sued McDonald’s because she didn’t understand that coffee is HOT. And she WON. Right there, in that moment when stupidity was rewarded, the world shifted on its axis. Now you can sue anybody for anything, logic be damned.

5. Bored people will cheer for no good reason.

  Okay, up to the point of pushing the button, the on-site reporters were doing their best to present human-interest stories of people totally devastated by the implosion of the sporting venue they have loved since childhood. Yet, as soon as the carefully-placed bombs started going off and the stadium began to devolve into dust, deranged fans were jumping in the air and celebrating the destruction. What happened to the trauma? Why are you clapping?

6. Okay, not everybody was clapping.

  We did have a nice segment where a reporter was interviewing former Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders as they prepared to watch the destruction. To be fair, one of them was truly moved, weeping copiously as the clock ticked down. She was the only one. The rest of her counterparts were scouring the vicinity for any agent that might sign them for a tell-all book tour.

7. TV cameras apparently emit a homing signal to lure idiots with no concept of reality.

  Do you really need any examples? Didn’t think so.

8. Repetition is soothing in a medicated society.

  We watched the stadium fall at least 100 times on three different channels. As if something different would happen if we just kept watching. Meanwhile, tax forms remain incomplete, there’s not a single clean dish in the house, and my crops have withered in Farmville.

9. People watching the same exact scene will have differing interpretations.

  Despite careful planning by the implosion crew, three of the stadium support towers did not completely fall. Each TV station had their own explanation. One reporter informed us that unexpected piles of debris caused blockage of some kind. Another assured us that this non-falling was intentional, with plans to sell the tower pieces on eBay or some such. And yet another anchor babbled incoherently that the remaining towers symbolized God’s wrath over the Mississippi lesbian who wanted to wear a tuxedo to her high school prom. I’ll let you guess which channel THAT was.

10. When anything at all happens that concerns the Dallas Cowboys, everything else on the local newscasts becomes secondary.

  Even the most progressive and inclusive news programs will have 29 minutes of Cowboys-mania, with all other events shoved into the final 60 seconds. This wrap-up is usually presented by a disgruntled, lesser-known anchor who has an attitude because he didn‘t get to work on the lead story: “Um, okay, there was a gas leak in Forth Worth, the Dallas City Council voted on something, the high tomorrow will be 84 degrees, and some guy died in Poland. Have a great night!”