We start out with Jackie fiddling with a snow globe, probably because it somehow reminds her of pills. Then the camera pulls back and we see that she is lounging in bed with Eddie, presumably at his place. (Well, for all we know, it could be a Crate & Barrel display, but we’ll go with it being Eddie’s pad.)
They have a conversation wherein we learn that Eddie thinks vinyl is better than digital, Jackie hasn’t listened to music since Teletubbies invaded her house (no further details are given), and that Eddie really wants to know a lot more about her life. Jackie thinks this is rude, blurts out “I like YOU, and not just because you have drugs”, then she stomps out. But not before adding, “stay away from my family.”
Jackie arrives back home, where Kevin is making popcorn. Jackie pretends to be interested in this boring activity and tries to not look like she just had sex with someone she supposedly can‘t stand and is not her husband. Then there’s a cattle herd noise, and here come Gracie, Fiona and that obnoxious hellion Caitlin running in from the other room. Caitlin clearly trips Fiona on purpose, sending her sprawling, but Jackie and Kevin don’t notice this because they’re busy denying that their relationship is in trouble.
We’re not sure if it’s just the trauma from the fall, but little Fiona races up to Jackie explaining that she would really like to have a broken arm for her birthday so she can wear a cast. Jackie is not particularly supportive of this request. Then we have several instances of devil-child Caitlin verbally tormenting little Fiona until Jackie finally snaps, grabbing the heathen and telling her to “Shut the f*** up!” Caitlin gets a satisfyingly frightened look on her face.
This altercation sends Jackie to the basement, where she digs around in her trusty Easter Decorations pill box, only to find that all the eggs are empty. Uh oh. So she has to traipse back upstairs, non-medicated, and sit on the couch with Kevin while the three girls watch something animated and uninteresting on TV. Jackie to Kevin: “Do you know where my Joni Mitchell albums are?” (No idea.)
Cut to the hospital, where Zoey is being cranky and odd. No one cares, so she stops this after a bit. Then we have some squabbling between Dr. Cooper, Jackie, Zoey and Sam as they fight over who has to help a patient clean himself after he goes number two. Not sure what that’s all about, and fairly certain that we didn’t need to see that.
Then another victim is rushed in, this one being a woman who, we eventually learn, tried to kill herself by driving her motorcycle into something that wasn’t soft. She’s a mess, ruptured spleen and such. Her husband/boyfriend/something paces anxiously in the waiting room, thinking it was just an accident.
During all this mess, some pharmaceutical salesman wanders in, trying to interest Jackie in his wares. She gets all militant, telling him to get back over “the yellow line”, this is not the time. He mentions something about free samples, and suddenly she’s all ears, snatching up everything he proffers. Then she heads to the nearest restroom and has a nice snack.
Next we have Zoey and Jackie, where Zoey is still acting crazed and weird. Jackie: “Is it the hormones or what? And did you ever take a pregnancy test?” Zoey: Nope, I just KNOW. (Test or not, Zoey, you’re really getting on my nerves with this. Go talk to the writers and have them whip up some more interesting scenes for you.)
Mrs. Akalitus comes marching through, dragging a life-size paper doll of Dr. Cooper. She pulls Jackie off to one side: Whether you like this concept of Coop being a pin-up for the hospital or not, you need to deal with it. Then she waves the paper doll around. “These things cost $280 dollars. DON’T vandalize.” (Of course, we know right away that Jackie is going to do just that.)
Akalitus wanders back to her bat cave, and Dr. O’Hara waltzes up because she’s tired of sitting in the Green Room and wants to do some acting. She and Jackie are studying the paper doll thing, thinking of clever put-downs, when Coop himself struts up. They chase him away with insults. Then O’Hara’s phone rings. It’s the mysterious Sarah, TV reporter and apparent bed-mate, and she’s standing right behind them.
O’Hara races into Sarah’s arms, and there’s some tender but discreet re-awakening of dormant lust. To make up for this noisy display of growing passion, they insist that Jackie go to lunch with them. Cut to the handy restaurant next door, where Sarah gets hopped-up on wine and shares a baffling story about she and O’Hara getting horny on an army base and lying to people so they can play slap and tickle. Jackie squirms appropriately.
Back at the hospital, we have another patient wheeled in. This man has an arrow through one of his lungs. (“Some rich guy got drunk and shot it into the air.”) Dr. O’Hara is actually the attending physician, but Coop also wanders in, looking for attention. The two of them snap at each other, so Jackie is the only one paying attention to the patient, and we discover that he’s just had a lung transplant. And guess where the arrow landed?
Quick scene in Mrs. Akalitus’ office, where Coop is whining about being disrespected. He’s sitting next to the giant paper doll that he dragged in. Someone has scribbled “I grab boobs” on it. Wonder who that might have been? Akalitus just looks at Coop like she really needs to change her shoes.
Zoey, praying in the hospital chapel, where Sam and O’Hara began and ended their relationship. (Better watch where you sit, honey.) Zoey gazes in supplication at a statue of Mary. “I’m not ready for this.” I assume she’s talking about her pregnancy. Then again, it’s Zoey. She could easily be referring to a new choice of bagel.
Kevin calls Jackie. “Eddie and I are going out tonight. He got us a table at Susan Sarandon’s really cool ping-pong bar. Isn’t that great?” Jackie quietly snaps the neck of a small, furry animal that happened to hop by.
Zoey comes running up to Jackie: “The rich man who shot the arrow? He sent his driver.” Jackie is SO not impressed with this. She marches up to the driver, and tries to tear him a new one. Turns out, the driver can’t stand his employer, so that takes some of the fun out of it. The driver explains that the criminal charges were dropped because his evil boss has connections. And get this, he sent me on a mission: “I’m here to pick up his arrow.”
Jackie’s eyeballs explode.
She snatches up the arrow and races outside to the fancy car the driver has parked outside. It’s a very plush Mercedes-Benz. (“Only 15 of them were made!” explains the driver.) Trouble is, the owner is not inside. No problem. Jackie takes the arrow and scratches up the paint job around the entire car. The driver just smiles.
Cut to Eddie and Kevin playing ping-pong at the fancy celebrity bar. Jackie walks in, popping a pill as she does so, and then joins them. When Kevin wanders off for more beer, Jackie confronts her crazed lover. “WHY Eddie?” Eddie: “You lie to me, I tell him everything.” And I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for Jackie at this point, but seriously, she’s the one who initiated the recent round of squat tag. With a crazy man. And she didn’t even get any nice drugs out of the encounter.
Final scene, with Jackie sitting in her kitchen, applying a fake cast to little Fiona’s arm. Jackie: “Are you sure you want this for your birthday?” Fiona: “I know it’s not broken. Nothing’s really broken.”
From the mouths of babes, right? If only we would listen.
Discuss.
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