So we have the typical review of last episode’s mayhem, with some disconcerting scenes concerning a smoke bomb that Annie apparently set off as her final act of Saboteur-ishness. First, we didn’t see such. Yes, we had about two seconds of the houseguests going “hey, what is THAT?” and the show was over. Be fair, montage people. Don’t tell me I saw something when I know I didn’t. And second, Miss Annie, is that how you really want to be remembered? As someone who does things that makes people run screaming from a room?
Opening credits, with Annie’s face all black-and-white to show that she has been booted. And that she has anger management issues.
Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m still here! Brendon’s still here!” Let’s make babies!
Enzo in the Diary Room: Annie’s eviction was “a grenade from The Brigade”. Wonder how long it took him to come up with that line? I’m guessing that he had help.
Scene with Brendon fessing up to the rest of the house. Okay, Annie was right about my occupation. I really am a scientist and I have a bunch of degrees from different colleges. Most of them just stare at him, because they think a college is a collection of pictures and that “degrees” have something to do with temperature.
Then we have scenes of Andrew, right after Rachel won HOH, jumping and clapping like Cindy Brady after too much sugar. He’s just a little bit too happy that Rachel won. Fallout will ensue.
Britney in the Diary Room: She’s bitter, and whining about everything. This girl has slid from “hey, I think I kind of like her for making that gay-positive statement in the first episode” to “that mess has got to go”. In fact, I think she broke a record with her plummet in my personal rankings.
While we’re on the subject of who needs to be escorted from the building, let’s chat about Enzo. What planet does this guy live on? I’m assuming it’s one where people have told him lies about how valuable he might be. On Earth, he’s just a guy from Jersey who misunderstands that “The Sopranos” is not about him. Or anyone in his family.
Scene with Matty and Enzo, both of them whining about Rachel being HOH and how this is somehow against the laws of nature. Um, you didn’t win the HOH competition. You lost. Get over it. And while you’re getting over it, speak to a counselor who specializes in illusions of grandeur.
Then Rachel and Brendon wander off to an abandoned room, where they proceed to have semi-sex while discussing strategy. Rachel: “I can’t use the HOH for revenge. I need to secure more of the house.” Then passion overwhelms them and the camera cuts away, because no one needs to see that much fake magenta hair whipping around in ecstasy.
Enzo and Britney. Enzo: Andrew is in an alliance with Rachel and Brendon. Britney, using her last ounce of strength to tear herself away from the mirror that she’s been gazing into, agrees.
Monet and Britney are lounging on one of the beds, because helping around the house is only for the common people. Andrew wanders through, and simply says “great game” to them, because they were in the final three of the HOH competition with Rachel. Britney goes ballistic, accusing Andrew of being happy that Rachel won. Andrew, being honest, agrees. Yes, I was happy. Britney unleashes a torrent of discontent while Monet runs off to speak to a therapist about people being happy for someone that is not Monet.
What is WRONG with these people?
Time for Rachel to reveal her newly-decorated HOH Room. The rest of the house tromps upstairs, frowning because they really expected Rachel to be gone by now. To be fair, Rachel is just a little bit too exuberant about her new digs, with that annoying squealing and laughing, but it doesn’t justify Britney in the Diary Room, where she trashes all things Rachel. Britney, honey, when you go home, and you will, you need to watch the tapes of the show and understand why your Momma should not be proud of you.
Lane and Hayden, whining about Rachel being HOH. Hayden: Brendon is the real HOH this week. Really, Hayden? Like Enzo was the real HOH when YOU were supposedly in charge? Why you hatin’?”
Scene with Matty, Hayden and Kristen, where Hay and Kris compare birthmarks because boredom has already settled over the house. We learn that Hayden thinks Kristen is really, really, really hot. Really.
Cut to the patio, where we have just Hayden and Kristen, because the BB producers just love themselves a showmance. Kristen: “I’m a complicated person.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “I’m used to just smiling and the girls come to me.” Really? With all that hair, how can you see if they are even coming toward you or not?) Kristen: “I don’t like cocky guys.” (Hayden in the Diary Room: “We have good chemistry.” Maybe Hayden should look up the word “chemistry”. Just don’t ask Enzo, cause he wrong, whatever he says.)
Then we have Britney and Monet, lounging on a deck chair built for two, dissing everybody. They start out hating on Andrew, but within a few minutes they have trashed everyone in the house. Just plain mean stuff. (Britney in the Diary Room: “I hate everybody except Monet.” That’s a good southern girl for ya.) Then Britney stuns me by muttering to Monet: “People are so fake.”
Kettle, black?
Rachel and Hayden in the HOH Room. Rachel: “I feel like you saved me. You are the reason I’m here.” What show is Rachel watching? Because it’s not this one. Hayden soaks up the personal savior angle, because he really does envision himself in that light, as long as it doesn’t get to the “nailed to a giant cross” business. When Hayden fesses to his lust for Kristen, Rachel is inspired. “Hey, what about you, me , Brendon and Kristen in an alliance.” Hayden slams on the brakes. “That’s not a good idea.”
Rachel, if you have any sense left in that boyfriend-addled head of yours, you should pay attention to this reaction. Why WOULDN’T Hayden go for this unless he has something to hide? Instead, she stares off into the distance and tries to figure out what she doesn’t understand.
This takes hours.
Rachel and Matty. Him: “I’m really paranoid!” (Matty in the Diary Room: “I’m not paranoid at all.”) Matty pushes Rachel in Andrew’s direction. “Everybody is saying that Andrew’s in charge and stuff.” Total lie. Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m a little suspicious about this Matty thing.” Then GO with it, girl.
Time for the Have / Have Not competition.
Basically, there are three teams of four people. One team member gets taped to a wall, then everybody else runs around shooting plastic guns full of colored water at the mounted insects, trying to get the other teams’ specimen to break free and smash their faces in the piled-up pillows.
Ragan is the first to drop, so his team is all sad, but they get to keep squirting, so there’s still a minimal thrill. This leaves Britney and Kathy hanging aloft for their teams. (Britney in the Diary Room: “Shooting water in my face is PERSONAL.” Uh, it’s a game, Dolly Parton Lite without the nice personality. Do you not understand that not everyone is a marksman, and there will be some stray water?)
Apparently she doesn’t, so she starts complaining that she can’t breathe because the strips of tape are cutting off her oxygen. (In my book, this is called “thinning the herd”, but that’s just me.) So people rush to cut loose Bitter Britney, thereby making the remaining Orange Team the winner.
In a fun twist, the winning team gets to pick four people from the other two teams to be the “have nots” and thereby live a life of suckiness for the rest of the week. They choose Britney, Monet, Brendon and Enzo. (Britney cries in the Diary Room, because it’s not fair that she has to suffer for her inability to win. Did this skank not go to public school?)
Everybody piles back in the house, where we learn that America has voted that the losing four have to dine on fish sticks and fruitcake. And actually, the losers think this is just fine, because they all love fish sticks. Except Britney. In the Diary Room, she lets us know that the concept of putting processed fish pieces into her mouth makes her want to vomit.
Hate her. Seriously.
Then we have another Darth video, with people racing to see the latest even though WE know this is going to be the last one. The Saboteur is revealed as Annie, and she graciously signs off with “good luck and no hard feelings”. The house screams with joy that they don’t have to worry about this angle anymore. (Enzo in the Diary Room: “I knew it was her!” No, you didn’t. Schmuck.)
Britney goes to see Rachel in the HOH room. Britney: “I would NEVER have put you up if I was HOH.” (Britney in the Diary Room: “Yes, I would have.”) Then Britney pushes for Andrew to go up on the block, and then threatens Rachel that if she puts her up, she will come after Rachel. Methinks that Rachel should loan Britney her “hot mess” t-shirt.
Then Monet visits Rachel, with the same basic crap. Monet swears that she would never put up Rachel and Brendon if she were HOH, then has a Diary Room session where she says the opposite. Monet also pushes for an Andrew eviction, as well as a floater. (Gee, Monet, wouldn’t that be YOU?)
Rachel, Brendon and Hayden in the HOH room. Rachel to Hayden: “Are you on our side or not?” Brendon: “What happened last week is old news.” Hayden and his hair: “I’ll vote whatever you want. As long as you put up Britney and Monet.”
Right there, Rachel and Brendon, warning signs should have gone off in your sex-fogged brains. Hayden is TELLING you what to do. But YOU are in charge. Sadly, Rachel has done too many high-kicks on Vegas stages and Brendon has spent too much time with test tubes for me to feel confident they will figure things out.
Rachel in the Diary Room: “I’m so confused! I just want to get out whoever’s gunning for us!” Well, Magenta Shag Cut, that would be everybody.
Nomination Ceremony.
Rachel gets right to it, and we learn that Britney and Monet are on the block.
Britney in the Diary Room: “The odds keep getting harder and harder. I don’t understand.” Then she bursts into tears and blames everything on being pre-menstrual. Seriously. Well, let me help you out, then. Perhaps if you hadn’t spent your entire time in the house trashing everything that moved, you might be in a better place. You’re from Arkansas. Bill Clinton could charm the chrome off a tailpipe. Did you not pay attention when he was your governor FIVE TIMES? Learn to get along with people.
Monet in the Diary Room: “I don’t like Rachel.” Big surprise. Next.
Rachel in the Diary Room: “These girls will not feel bad about back-stabbing me. That’s why they’re up.” Finally, some honesty and realness. Then she rushes into the arms of the man that will probably dump her as soon as the cameras are turned off.
Final shot is of Britney and Monet in yet another abandoned room, boo-hooing and clutching at each other like somebody just mentioned that they might have to work for a living.
The Brigade needs to be busted up, stat. But for now, it’s fine if Britney has to pack her designer bag and make the Prada walk of shame. Sayin.
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