15 Places Where You Can Hide An Easter Egg and a Tea Party Member Will Never Find It

1. In The Bible. (Well, at least any part that talks about love, compassion or helping your fellow man. Stay away from that Old Testament mess. The tea-baggers love them some angry fire and brimstone.)

2. At a Gay Pride parade. (Unless there happens to be a handy closet nearby. You toss an egg up in that grill and someone in the crowd of hypocritical, self-denying Republicans will eventually trip over it.)

3. At a Planned Parenthood location. (Obviously, these folks are not going to cross the threshold of a place where they believe Satan, Oprah and Hillary Clinton are forcing reluctant women to have an abortion every week. But they are perfectly happy to stand across the street and threaten to kill the doctors and staff people. Pro-life, my ass.)

4. A bookstore that offers selections other than pornography. (They clearly don’t know how to read anything other than church fliers or Ku Klux Klan welcome brochures, so you’ll never see them in a Barnes & Noble.)

5. At a spelling bee. (You’ve seen some of their idiotic posters, right? Those signs look like somebody knocked over a bowl of alphabet soup while running to his gun rack.)

6. At a fundraiser for President Obama. (We don’t really need to explain this one, do we?)

7. At an institution of higher learning. (You might want to avoid the vocational-technical schools, because tea-baggers do manage to get into those every once in a while, at least until they get pregnant, get someone else pregnant, or deer season starts.)

8. At the taping of any show appearing on PBS. (A tea-bee is not going to have anything to do with a network that sometimes airs programs that treat Evolution as if it might be a real thing. Because we all know that Jesus buried those fake dinosaur bones in the ground just to test the faithful.)

9. At a Parent Teacher Association meeting. (The tea-bees hate teachers for several reasons: They are part of evil unions that practice satanic rituals. They dare trying to convince a child to use his brain. And they have the nerve to use textbooks that have not been heavily censored by Texas priests before said priests were transferred to another parish to avoid child-molestation charges.)

10. At the National Archives in Washington, DC. (Which is where they keep the Constitution. And the Bill of Rights, two documents that the baggers have clearly never finished reading. They only know the bits that their zookeepers have copied out, using a special crayon, and handed to them as they shuffled towards the latest tractor-pull competition.)

11. In a foreign country. (If a Tea Partier actually traveled abroad, they might be confronted with the fact that people are basically people, everywhere. And that just won’t do, because the whole foundation of the Tea Party is that certain belligerently ignorant white people consider themselves better than everyone else. You take that keystone out of the foundation and they’ll have to come up with another reason to hate people they don’t understand, and who has time for that when there are misspelled signs to be made and mosque-buildings to protest?)

12. In a dental clinic. (You take the video from any Tea Party rally, pause it at any point, and you can easily find five people that don’t have a full set of teeth between them. Granted, anybody can have dental issues. But this many in one place? Somebody rang a cowbell and the hillbillies came a runnin’, not thinking to stop and put their good teeth in for the TV cameras.)

13. Wrapped up in a certain President’s official American birth certificate. (They don’t believe it exists, so they’ll never think to look there.)

14. Next to the definition of “socialism” in the dictionary. (It cracks me up when I drive past one of those “No Socialism!” signs in somebody’s yard. You obviously don’t know what that word means in context with this country. And by the way, you really need to trim back that self-weeping willow tree.)

15. On the “tea party express” that they keep harping about. (Sure, the Tea Partiers managed to shake things up in the 2010 elections. The downside, for them, is that this allowed decent people to see the Tea Partiers for what they really are, as Congress stalled and unfair targets faced the wrath of the clueless. That express train has reached the limit of its run, and it’s heading back to Petticoat Junction. Unless it completely derails before it even gets there, careening off the tracks because of an Easter Egg of Truth placed gently in its path…

Peace in.