1. You watch a TV show that you’re not all that interested in just because you’re too exhausted to figure out how to get to that Guide channel on the remote. Besides, every time you do find that menu, you do something wrong and people yell at you because the DVR stopped recording Modern Family.
2. You get irritated that a photo you’re trying to review on the Internet actually takes longer than two seconds to download, completely forgetting that in 1995 you were completely happy if a racy photo of Brad Pitt downloaded in less than 10 minutes.
3. You discover that you are unable to actually type out a complete sentence after having sent roughly 40,000 texts in the last three years.
4. The soothing Bluetooth voice in your fancy new car announces that you should lose 23.7 pounds for an optimum driving experience.
5. You get really upset that your wireless phone dropped another call and you angrily stomp down the hall past the wired phone that works just fine. You’ve actually forgotten about that old-school contraption, but since the name of the phone company has changed five times recently, you don’t even know what that bill is for anymore, so you pay it just to make sure something unsatisfactory doesn’t happen.
6. Your email address gets picked up by some murky syndicate and suddenly you are getting endless promises of everything from drive-thru breast implants to a miraculously-strong penis that can double as a carjack.
7. Your email inbox hasn’t been fully cleaned-out in over a decade. When you try to click on some of the decrepit messages way at the bottom of the list, your laptop shuts down and a military helicopter flies overhead.
8. You start to initiate a friend connection on one of your 23 social media sites and a pop-up displays, warning you that you drunkenly slept with this person 12 years ago but you’ve managed to block out the experience. Are you sure you wish to proceed?
9. You’re so used to something playing an annoying tune and buzzing in your pocket that you no longer pay attention and you miss half your calls.
10. Your own computer suddenly announces that you are no longer an Administrator on this device. But for a small monthly fee, it will allow you to access some of the non-premium content. Click here to sign up.
11. You hit a wrong button on the confusing security-alarm control panel you had installed at the house, and the dishwasher suddenly turns on. Then you hear a fire truck in the distance. And a Jehovah’s Witness rings your doorbell.
12. Your techie friends actually laugh at the fact that you still buy physical CD’s in a physical music store. You choose not to mention that every time you do this, you somehow manage to get the one CD with that weird crack in the plastic that you swear wasn’t there when you picked it up. Is the Bluetooth woman in your car doing something to your purchases when you aren’t looking?
13. You have so many user names and passwords that you have to start a spreadsheet for all that mess. And you have to include a column with your answer for the security question, because you’re getting old and it’s no longer easy to remember the first car you owned or the town where you were born.
14. You start to join another website, and you are flummoxed when the unique “surely nobody is using THIS” user name you enter is already in use. What the hell? Who else would go by “@KDWbang!%”? Have I been here before and just don’t remember? Are the breast-implant people stalking me? Is this the place where I pay the bill that I don’t understand that might be for the phone that I don’t use?
15. You wake up in the middle of the night screaming “ACCESS DENIED!” and your bed partner sighs and heads to the guest bedroom for the rest of the night. Meanwhile, the Jehovah’s Witness is still on your front porch, patiently waiting….
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