1. It has members
of my family in it and I don’t know what they’re doing.
This instantly
puts me on high alert. Knowing how some of my family members have a natural
instinct to do things they probably shouldn’t, this document could easily
become evidence in some sort of trial. Should I instantly destroy it and
pretend like I didn’t just find it in this old scrapbook? At the very least, I
should flip it over and see if there’s a date scribbled on the back so I can
make sure I have an airtight alibi, even if I have to pay someone to make that
happen.
2. There’s no date
on the back.
We’re all in
trouble. I can’t possibly develop an alibi that would cover a whole time period
that, judging by the estimated ages of the participants, runs roughly from the
early to mid 80’s. But at least I was in college then, so maybe I can find some
old fraternity brothers that can swear I was drunk in the frat house for two
solid years and didn’t have the strength to get into any further mischief.
Which is sort of true but also a complete lie. I still managed to do things I
shouldn’t, despite heavy round of serious beer-bonging. Shhhh. Don’t ask, don’t
tell.
3. My mother
apparently raised a child that I didn’t know about.
I recognize my
youngest sister and youngest brother (fore and aft, with my Mom right behind
fore). But notice the set of legs in the third position. There wasn’t another
child in that chronological segment of the child-production assembly line, yet
those cryptic legs seem to match the general age of the two known siblings.
Interesting. Mommy, did you have a hobby that we didn’t about?
4. Of course, the
elephant in the room is the elephant.
What the hell?
Where did they find this thing? I mean, we had a zoo in my hometown, but I sure
don’t remember that place having elephants that you could climb your ass on and
smile for a camera. Which means this staff-reduced version of my family had to travel somewhere in order for this
paparazzi session to take place. I’m pretty sure it wasn’t India, because we
didn’t have that kind of money, and I don’t see any members of Duran Duran in
the background making a music video. On the flip side, I didn’t know about the
extra brother, so I’ve obviously missed a few memos.
5. Speaking of the
background, why does it look like some type of archeological dig site?
Was somebody
looking for yet another buried king in Egypt? Are there still more to find? Then again, we seem to
have an awfully large amount of trees for this to be an Egyptian locale. No offense
to the fine people of Egypt, but I don’t remember any Egyptian descriptions
containing passages like “we looked out upon the vast forests of our land,
dripping with moisture and heavy fruit, and we smiled, knowing that those
crappy upstart rainforests of South America (we had kings before you had
people!) could not begin to compete with our arboreal treasures.”
6. Those horrid brightly-colored
tube socks.
Everyone wore
them at the time. Why did we do that?
7. The
dramatically asexual attendant to the right.
What is she
looking at? Would it have killed him to look at the camera? And why does she
seem to have more badges that necessary? Did he do something extraordinary at
some point? Her cap is kind of jaunty, but he loses points for the
poorly-tucked shirt. And she’s wearing cryptic sunglasses when no one else is,
so he must have secrets. Like her postures seems to speak of a military
background, but the fact that he’s now working with elephants indicates that something
went wrong somewhere with the career goals.
8. And s/he’s
holding a cane in a menacing manner.
What’s up with
that? Is she beating the elephant with it? I’m not really happy about things if
he was doing that, but she’s obviously not using it to walk, like maybe he’s
suffering from a war injury that still troubles her. Of course, if he was even
minimally being unappreciative of the elephant, my sister would have leapt off
that royal travelling-platform and kicked his ass, even if she was only six and
wearing non-combat jelly shoes that were so popular in that time period.
9. Speaking of
that restrictive platform…
Don’t those
menacing bars look like they might be a bit of a hindrance if the elephant
decided to, I don’t know, do yoga? Those
elephants weigh, like, 400 tons. If girl starts to roll, you’re not going to
have enough time to extricate yourself from the Spanish-Inquisition stadium
seating before your ass is squashed big-time. And that stupid little cane that
your flight attendant is carrying is not going to help you much.
10. And finally,
speaking of the elephant.
Doesn’t the poor
thing look tired? I mean, maybe that’s the natural expression, and maybe the
elephant doesn’t mind lugging family units with mysterious extra members from
one end of the Egyptian excavation site to the other. (Which is, interestingly
enough, how I feel when I go to staff meetings.) But do we really know that?
Are we caring for the animals of this planet properly? Are you?
Just something to
ponder as you flip through old photographs and think about history and life and
responsibility. Cheers.
No comments:
Post a Comment