15 Updated Adult Beverages to Help You Cope With Modern Society

1. The Surly Temple

  This drink was originally created to placate people who confused their uptight religious upbringing (no demon alcohol!) with their natural social inclination to have a good time with their less salvation-based friends. Sadly, because the Surly Temple has no actual alcohol and did nothing to make prudish people relax their sphincters, the ordering of a Surly Temple by restaurant and/or bar patrons became a clear signal to the service staff  that  “this is somebody who is not going to tip well because they have issues, skip the dessert presentation and get them out of here.”

2. The Marge Or Rita

  This is the drink you should order when the bartender hollers “Last Call!” to help you determine who you get to share hangovers with the next morning.

3. Gin and Chronic

  This will help you live with all those recurring body aches and pains that mysteriously and suddenly appear at the very second you turn 40. (You know, those things you tell your doctor about but he gives you a dismissive “get over it, bitch” hand wave, because you’ve reached that point of personal-decay where a simple sneeze can throw your back out. Then the doctor bills your insurance company 700 dollars for the three minutes he spent pretending to examine you.)

4. Rum and Cope

  Have one of these before attempting to drive on any major freeway, because it’s inevitable that some dumb-ass is going to do something completely dumb-ass that jeopardizes the life of everyone except the dumb-ass. And you really don’t need to be aggressively forcing said dumb-ass into the Ditch of Retribution until you have met your insurance deductible for the year.

5. Sex on the Reach

  This is the perfect cocktail for those times when your current bed partner just isn’t managing to make the earth move under your feet. (“Honey, while you grunt and sweat and impress no one but yourself, could you hand me the TV remote?”) And yes, it’s perfectly acceptable to mix one of these up during the theoretical love-making. After all, you need something to do whilst waiting for your clueless lover to find your F-spot.

6. Cosmopolitician

  Whip up a big ole pitcher of these the next time the planets cruelly align and you are forced to watch a presidential debate. Take a swig every time a Republican lies or a Democrat hedges on calling the Republican a flat-out liar. You’ll be drunk before the third question is asked.

7. The Booty Mary

  This is the required drink any time you head to a shopping mall, because you know damn well you are going to run into a pack of those horrid women who mistakenly believe that Spandex was created to showcase butt-crack and camel-toe. It is suggested that you have several drinks before you even get out of the car, because one should never have to encounter The Walking Spread whilst sober.

8. The Man Had One

This is the official drink of Lorena Bobbitt.

9. The White Rush In

  Served in upscale, old-money, Presbyterian pubs where over-privileged socialites named Leona and oil-company executives named Dick whine about possibly having to pay the same tax rate as the little people. The drink is served with a silver spoon for stirring and a listing of Cayman Island banks for perusing…

10. The Mar-Teeny

  This is the courage-inducing drink that will allow you to seem convincing when notifying your significant other that you have once again wrecked the car, but “it’s only a tiny little scratch!” (Even though you have busted both axles on said car, destroyed part of the town square, and caused structural damage to an important and historical bridge.) In some parts of the country, this drink is also used to console sad people who have just had sex with someone so cosmically under-endowed that they are both technically still virgins.

11. The Mo He Toe

  This is the favorite beverage of foot fetishists everywhere, and that’s as far as I care to go with the explanation. (Sometimes a click on the Internet can take you to places that never need to be mentioned again.)

12. Absenth

  Drink enough of this kick-to-the-head and you will have no problem calling in sick at your place of employment. For several days. Until you stop believing that you are a Bohemian in turn-of-the-century Paris and remember that you have actual bills to pay. (But that nice little fever-dream where Nicole Kidman danced with you at Moulin Rouge was kind of fun, eh?)

13. Cape Clod

  This elixir is traditionally served to people who think they are superheroes, but they suck at it and everyone with an I.Q. above “2” is aware of their sucking, even though the fool in question ignores the suckage-outrage and continues to suck. (See: Rush Limbaugh, Anne Coulter, Westboro Baptist Church, anyone working for Fox News, anyone named Kardashian, current governors of Texas, and people who still don’t understand how to use an ATM machine after 30 years of having ATM machines.)

14. Long Island Iced Flee

  This is served to calm the nerves of tourists who have fled the island and are still trying to figure out what people were saying to them, what with that crazy accent and all. (And the hairdos. Why do some Long Island women of a certain age feel it necessary to tease and jack their hair to a point where it has its own gravitational pull?)

15. Tequila Surprise

  Anyone who has ever spent a splendid evening enjoying tequila-based cocktails will agree that this is a true statement: At some point during the night’s festivities, perhaps wedged in between the moment you fell off the barstool and the moment you screamed along with Meatloaf’s “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”, you will find yourself wondering “What happened to my underwear?”…