Sunday, June 20, 2010

10 Reasons Why Lip Gloss Can Make You a Better Person, Part 4

  I slapped Mellie Jo really hard, because I’ve seen them do that on TV and it always looked like fun, especially if Mellie Jo was the recipient. “Stop screaming like an idiot. There aren’t any boys watching so you don’t need to hog the attention.”

  Mellie Jo just looked at me for a second, somewhat startled, and for once in her life unable to come up with an immediate comeback. This pleased me. Then I noticed that the cheek she was rubbing now had a nice pink glow to it, making her look really cute. This made me mad, and I considered striking her again. If she had to be prettier than me, she should at least be in pain.

  Little Sahara tugged on the hem of my gorgeous dress, reminding me that she was even there. It’s hard to keep track of relatives when things are fighting for your attention like glitter lip gloss and howling middle sisters. I glanced down at the small one. “What?”

  Little Sahara pointed up the street, where my bestie Chandra was glaring at us, wondering what could possibly be taking so long when we had skating-rink plans to discuss and dipped ice cream to consume. I made a motion at my bestie that hopefully signified “I’ll be there in just a sec, I’ve discovered something that requires more research”. She made a gesture back which I immediately understood to mean “You have five minutes, and then I’m taking you off my calling plan.”

  I turned back to Mellie Jo, who was still looking irritatingly pretty, and switched Little Sahara’s grubby paw from my hand to Mellie’s. “Take the small one up to Dairy Queen and STAY THERE. Don’t leave or I will beat you again.”

  Mellie Jo had some thoughts to share on the matter. “I’m telling Mom you hit me. You’re gonna get it!”

  The underlings are so clueless. “Are you kidding? She’s going to raise my allowance because I made you shut up for two minutes. Now go!”

  As Mellie Jo finally started moving, dragging the constantly-confused but still basically happy and complacent Little Sahara behind her, I focused my attention on the Merle Norman shop that had suddenly become my favorite place in the entire world.

4. Lip Gloss can help you make financial decisions.

  I opened the door to the store, which caused a little bell to tinkle and announce my arrival. I liked that. Bells should always ring when I enter places.

  Immediately, a really old woman stopped fiddling with something unimportant off to the side and raced to greet me. Her enthusiasm quickly waned, however, when she assessed my age and therefore my revenue potential. She slowed her step, and forced a weak smile. (To be fair, it probably wasn’t her fault that she couldn’t smile a little bigger. She had so much pancake makeup on that her facial muscles didn’t have enough strength to fully complete the grin.) “Are you looking for your mother?”

  This woman was an idiot. Why must I be surrounded by amateurs that don’t understand what my presence means? Clearly, I would have to make this simple for the woman. I pointed at the display of glitter lip gloss in the window. “I need some of that. How many do you have?”

  Pancake was at least able to comprehend pointing. She glanced at the display and then back at me. “Oh, so you’re interested in the Starlight Sensations Lip Enhancer?”

  Oh my God. The name alone, perfectly capturing my essence, nearly made me swoon, akin to the delicious tingling I sometimes got while watching sweaty boys tackle each other on the football field, fighting for my honor and eventual sainthood. “Yes, I’ll take every one of them that you have.”

  Pancake looked at me for a moment, then did another pretend smile. “They’re a little pricey, dear. Five dollars a piece.”

  Five dollars? Sigh. “Okay, then I’ll take one of them. But I need you to hide the rest of them, at least until tomorrow. I want to be the only Starlight Sensations Girl at the skating rink tonight.”

  Pancake didn’t even try to smile at this directive. “Dear, I can’t do that. I need to sell them. We’ve got to pay the bills, now don’t we?”

  No, we don’t. YOU might have to pay bills, but not me. I don’t have to worry about those things yet, leaving the details to unhappy older people who are bitter and tired. I’m still young, cute and completely devoid of any financial entanglements. The only thing I knew about money was that I needed more of it.

  I pulled out my designer coin purse, retrieved a five, and waved it at the servant. “Here.”

  She snatched the bill away from me with a speed which indicated that those bills of hers must be fairly pressing. “Oh, and there’s tax, dear. Twenty cents.”

  Tax? Did royalty have to pay taxes around here? Obviously I would be making a presentation at the next Town Council meeting. It’s so much work training these people. I reluctantly gave up two dimes.

  Now that I had lessened her monetary burden, Pancake decided that we were best friends and became very chatty. “The Starlight Sensations line is BRAND NEW. We just got those in today. I barely had them in the window before you dropped by for a visit.”

  Okay, first, this is not a visit. That would imply that we had a relationship of some kind, and such is not the case. You are my beauty assistant, just like your little nametag says. You will not be the godmother of my children. Second, and more importantly, of course the glitter lip gloss is brand new. I am very current when it comes to cosmetics, instantly recognizing trends the second that they happen. Frankly, I’m surprised you even changed the store window without consulting me.

  But all I really said to the woman was “Where’s my lip gloss?”

  Pancake, properly chastened, reached into a drawer of some kind and then placed my new treasure on the counter before me. To my great thrill, I learned that the tube came in its own little pink pouch. I was suddenly closer to Heaven than I had ever been. Well, except for the time that I won the Little Miss Asparagus beauty pageant and Chandra did not.

  Which reminded me, I had places to be. Chandra was very impatient, and really would try to cause an issue if I didn’t get to Dairy Queen soon. Poor thing, I still had so much training to do with her. I grabbed my purchase with a worshipful hand, and turned to the door.

  Pancake proved unable to just stand there and let me go. “I hope you’re the prettiest girl at the skating rink tonight!”

  Fool. Of course I would be. Hope had nothing to do with it. I exited the building, the little bell alerting the world that the princess was in transit and was now available for viewing. As all bells should.

  Once I was back on the sidewalk, I spotted Chandra down the street, where she was carefully standing far enough away from Mellie Jo and Little Sahara that passersby would not immediately assume there was an association of any kind. As soon as she noticed me, Chandra could immediately tell that something was making me even prettier. “Oh my GOD, girl,” she yelled. “What is that cute pink thing you’re carrying?”

  Why must she always bellow? I sighed and headed her way.

  As I arrived in front of Dairy Queen, waving at my various fans, Chandra was nearly frothing at the mouth as she eyed my pink treasure. “What IS it? Tell me!”

  I smiled with knowledge and grace. “It’s the new lip gloss that I had special ordered. The Merle Norman people picked me to try it first.” Little lies never hurt anyone, especially if they involve beauty or social standing.

  Chandra’s eyes lit up even further. “Can I try it?”

  As if. “No, but let’s go inside and I’ll let you hold it.”

  We opened the door and sashayed into Dairy Queen. (There was no bell announcing our arrival, so I would have to speak to management about that oversight.) I already knew which of the booths could be seen by everyone in the building, so I marched over to that one and made the people sitting there leave. Of course, I sat facing away from the door,  because that gave me an air of mystery and sophistication.

  Chandra, her eyes still shining, took the opposite seat and prepared herself for glamour and wonder. I quickly ran through my presentational speech in my head, fully aware that everyone around us would be listening because they always want to know what I’m doing. And when I finally actually applied the gloss to my lips in a few minutes? Well, the applause was going to be deafening. I could hardly wait.

  Much to my dismay, Chandra’s eyes flitted away from me, focused on something at the front of the store. This wouldn’t do. I grabbed her chin and turned her head back to me. Amazingly, she turned away from me again. Then she spoke. “Um, you better look outside.”

  “What could possibly be more important than…” I glanced out the front window and saw nothing of note. “There’s no one there. What’s wrong with you?”

  “Mellie Jo and Little Sahara, that’s what. We left them out there, and now they’re gone.”

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1 comment:

  1. LOL oh my GOD she left them O U T S I D E!!!!! one sec, need to reapply....