We hit the ground running, with Bill in the midst of the mean ole werewolves that can’t just leave people alone and let them walk around in the dark. Bill goes all vamp on them, and naturally the wolfies get the bad end of the stick, some of them dying and all. Interestingly enough, this altercation causes the werewolves to transition back to naked men, which could have been mildly intriguing if they weren’t in pieces all over the place.
Suddenly, this guy, dressed in what I guess you would call fox-hunting gear, rides up on a white horse. Bill gets all squirmy and calls him “Your Majesty.” Really? So we have yet another member in the complex web of vampire royalty that we need to keep track of, and I’m not sure that I have the strength. I don’t catch his name, so we’ll just call him Captain.
Captain is not really impressed with one of the surviving werewolves, whose name is Cooter. (THAT alone is worth a blog entry.) Captain is not pleased with how the hillbilly werewolves have treated Bill. “You DRANK from my guest?” (How does someone who has been kidnapped from a fancy French restaurant become a “guest”?)
Then Captain invites/orders Bill to “join me at my home”, and they both ride the white horse off into the moonset.
Opening credits roll. More shots of toothless poor people and bare breasts.
Cut to Tara still locked in the bathroom, grabbing and swallowing every pill she can find. Lafayette, in his Gloria Swanson headdress, bangs on the door for a while to heighten the tension, then finally breaks in and makes Tara throw up in the toilet, because that’s attractive to watch. Crazy Tara Momma wanders in and starts spouting religious things, so Laff bitch-slaps her out of the way. “You have failed this girl for the last time.” Then he snatches up Tara and they race out of the house.
Now we have Sookie and Jessica at Fangoria, where they are babbling to Eric about the “Nazi werewolf symbol” they found on the dead guy in Bill’s car. Eric wants to say something, but not with Jessica in the room, possibly because she has red hair. (Pam to Jessica: “Let’s go in the ladies’ room and stare at ourselves in the mirror.”) Once they shuffle off, Eric gives Sookie a quick history lesson on vampires, then claims he doesn’t know anything about this new batch. Of course we know he’s lying.
Quick scene in the ladies’ room, where Jessica is grilling a very bored Pam, trying to get tips on vampire feeding and what to do with the dead bodies. Poor Jessica. Home-schooling is not always what it’s cracked up to be, especially when there hasn’t been a single class.
Back to Sookie and Eric in the main Fangoria room, with Sookie all trembly and saying things like “Bill’s out there!” and “He’s everything to me.” Eric is not especially impressed with this, since he really wants Bill out of the way so he can have him some Sookie Pie. But then Sookie starts crying, which causes Eric to sigh as well as have a flashback.
It’s somewhere in Germany, 1945. We’re in the middle of some war battle, and the set piece is some farmhouse. While some soldier type is banging around looking for people, I keep thinking this farmhouse looks just like the farmhouse in a pivotal episode of “Harsh Realm”, an intriguing series that was quickly cancelled because it was too smart. That’s probably not the point. Anyway, this naked woman in a closet suddenly turns into a werewolf.
This causes Eric and the still-alive but technically kinda dead Godric to teleport in, using some vampire form of travel that has yet to be discussed. They attack the werewolf chick until she transitions back to her naked self and quivers against a wall, where we see that she is sporting that Nazi werewolf symbol. This is getting deep.
Cut to Captain and Tenille, I mean Bill, arriving at a very nice mansion where they probably have servants. Once they enter, some queen named Talbot makes a grand entrance on a curving staircase. They quickly whisk Bill up to some room that has been prepared for him, with Talbot telling Captain that the “business talk” can come later. What the hell? It’s like “Gone with the Wind”, only not at all.
Tara and Lafayette are in his car, racing to the hospital, when Tara makes him pull over. She can’t go to the hospital, because people are going to ask questions, and she’ll have to talk about Mary Ann and entire towns having orgies on the lanai. This is not going to get her any sanity points. Laff is all supportive, and it’s very tender. Then he tells her there’s “something you need to see”. Did the new “Dream Girls” soundtrack come in?
Sookie and Jessica arrive on Bill’s porch, and we see Hoyt huddled in the background. (Sookie to Jessica: “Be gentle.” Then she runs away for a costume change.) Hoyt is his normal sweet self. “We can fight our natures together.” But Jessica is still troubled about this vampire in love with a human thing, probably because she hasn’t seen “The Jeffersons” where it was made perfectly clear that interracial marriages were just fine. She runs in the house and slams the door. Hoyt cries and then kicks the stupid door. Jessica runs to the cellar and sleeps with the ripe body that is still there. The things we do for love.
Sookie arrives at her house, where she proceeds to kick Jason in the groin until she realizes who he is. Then they start cleaning the house while she babbles about Bill, doing a spot-on imitation of him saying her name. I’m going to assume that she picked up this skill because she’s married to Bill in real life, and there has been plenty of time to practice.
Sam is in his car, innocently taking a nap, when a shotgun is suddenly shoved in the window. The rude interloper is Tommy, and he makes Sam stumble into his trashy house, where we get to meet his nasty parents, who are sweaty and wearing night-night clothes, and also happen to be SAM’s parents. Heyyy. It’s a mother and child reunion.
Sookie, in her ugly yellow car, arrives at Merlotte’s, ready for her next shift, but she happens to spy an odd person standing in the woods. (An odd person in this town? Go figure.) The man thing utters “let’s make a deal”, but something tells me Sookie is not going to win a prize if she has a paperclip in her purse. Terry comes wandering up, because it’s only fair that he gets to be in scenes too, and they race off into the woods after the man thing decides that he would rather be somewhere else.
As they tramp through the swamp forest, Terry spies a footprint in the dirt and announces “Motorcycle boot. Size 10.” Has he been watching “CSI”? Then the tracks just suddenly stop, which causes Sookie to break down and tell Terry all about werewolves. Terry’s been working at Merlotte’s for a while, so he completely believes her.
Lafayette and Tara arrive at some mental institution, which causes Tara to get very dramatic and claim that people can’t commit her against her will. Laff tells her to shut the hell up, and then they meet the real reason for the visit, which turns out to be Laff’s insane mother. (Did anybody in this place have a happy childhood? And is that Alfre Woodard playing Laff Momma?) She mean, talking about God killing everybody.
Quick scene with Deputy Andy giving a press conference for no apparent reason, but he quickly runs off the stage when Jason shows up, leaving the Sheriff from Newhart to take over. Jason in a hushed sidebar scene with Andy: “We gotta make it right about Eggs!” (And no, this is not about some type of poultry abuse.)
Back over to Merlotte’s, where Sookie is explaining to Terry that he can’t say anything about the werewolf they spotted and lost. “It’s my one shot to find Bill.” Arlene parades through during the conversation, being really bitchy and rude. Once she’s gone, Terry hands Sookie a gun, because weapons are always a good thing with over-excited people. “I’d miss you if you got killed.” Aww. Backwoods sentimental expressions are so CUTE.
Once more to the trashy home in Magnolia, Arkansas, where people only wear limp underwear and abandonment is a central theme, as Sam listens to his Momma explain what happened. We have a long scene involving adoption decisions and bitterness, as well as disappointment over people not explaining the concept of “shifting”.
Over to the mental place (this is getting really busy) where we learn that Lafayette is working two jobs (plus that drug-dispensing bit) to pay for his momma to have a nice place to sit while she has delusions. Laff to Tara: “We can SURVIVE this.” Aww, Part 2. But really, girl, get rid of that nappy headdress.
Cut to Sam and his newfound brother Tommy pretending to work on a car in the yard of his sweaty parents house, trying to one-up one another on who had the worse life. For no apparent reason, they decide to transition to their animal selves and “go for a run”. Because this is “True Blood”, this means that they have to rip off their clothes first. We get a glimpse of the brother’s back, where he has a scar or a tattoo or something that matches the Nazi werewolf symbol. Oh?
Quick scene with Jessica on the phone, arranging to rent a chainsaw while she sprays Lysol all over Bill’s now-smelly house, what with the decaying body in the crappy basement. She then steals some cash out of her victim’s wallet, because really, he doesn’t need that now, right? There are so many moral decisions when you’re undead.
Back over to the Captain’s foo-foo house where they have tons of servants who seem very dissatisfied and have large teeth. The Captain is explaining to Bill that he wants to make Bill a sheriff over one of the districts. Because I don’t really understand the vampire hierarchy, I’m not sure what this means, but Bill does not seem to be impressed. Probably because that irritating queen Talbot is still fluttering about, and that would distract anybody. Oh, and the Captain wants to marry Bill’s vampire queen.
These people are just too busy.
Merlotte’s again, where the bar crowd is watching Andy on TV doing that press conference thing. They seem appreciative and clap in that “we love everybody” way that happens when rounds of shots are ordered. Jason, obviously not someone who would turn down one of those shots, hunkers down with Andy in a booth. Jason really, really, really wants to tell the truth about what happened to Eggs. Andy tries to change the subject by telling Jason that he is “prettier than most girls”. No idea where this is going.
Now we have Sam and his new, possibly suspect brother, running along as doggies and enjoying the open air while banjo music plays, because who doesn’t think “backwoods” without also thinking “banjo” or “fried intestines”? As they cross a road, a truck zips out of nowhere and almost kills them, with Sam transitioning back to his naked human self while his brother turns into a bird and flies off to find a Native American who can cry because people litter. This is really getting deep.
Next, I think we’re at Bill’s house, but I’m not completely certain. We see somebody’s cowboy boots scuffling along, then this person enters what looks like a home office, and he/she proceeds to rifle through things. We see a Stackhouse family tree, with Sookie’s name circled in an alarming way, as well as pictures of Sookie. Gee, do you think somebody’s stalking Sookie?
Cut to Sookie’s house, where she’s holding a gun, because she’s so stable. Eric arrives, not looking as pale as he usually does, so you know something’s up. He tells Sookie that he lied to her, then he has another flashback to that Germany thing. He and Godric are torturing the odd, naked woman who is not being cooperative but clearly has bouncing breasts. When quizzed, Dolly Parton tells the two that her master is “one of them”. Really?
Back to Sookie’s house, where she and Eric are still on the porch and pretending that one of them doesn’t have sexual desires. Eric explains that the Nazi werewolf sign is actually a Runic symbol (which I suppose should mean something to me) and that “these are not ordinary werewolves”. (Explain to me the concept of “ordinary” when it comes to werewolves. Can I buy a vowel?) Eric: “Invite me in for protection. And maybe some beasty sex.” Sookie: “I’m still Bill’s”.
Again with the Captain’s foo-foo masnsion, where Talbot the queen is being chastised by the Captain for not regulating his speech. (“We don’t need to say everything we think.”) The Captain is explaining to Bill that he is being wasted in Bon Temps, that he really needs to be a sheriff. Bill: “I’m not the vampire you are looking for.” This response does not please the Captain, so he threatens Sookie’s life. Bill, equally dissatisfied, takes offense. Fangs are bared, and Talbot becomes aware that perhaps there will be no need for the dessert course.
Over to Merlotte’s, where Tara and Lafayette show up because Laff needs to work so he can pay for Crazy Momma’s bed and breakfast. We switch to a very-pale Arleen emerging from the bathroom, with a concerned Terry making inquiries. “Are you sick?” Arlene lies that she is not, so Terry whips out a piece of paper and proceeds to discourse on the subject of “10 Reasons Why You Can Trust Me with Your Kids.”
Meanwhile, a strange man comes in and sits at the bar. Tara is sitting there all depressed and sad, so he starts talking to her because she looks like a barrel of laughs. We learn that he’s a vampire (on THIS show?) and he’s not necessarily a friend of Bill’s, but it’s kind of vague. What IS clear is that he’s wearing the cowboy boots we saw scootin through Bill’s house, marking him as a person you can’t trust with the silverware.
Speaking of Bill’s house, Jessica returns from wherever you rent chainsaws around here, lugging one with her. She opens the door to the nasty cellar, and she’s startled to discover that the body is gone. Poor girl, it’s just not her century.
Cut to Andy shoving a very drunk Jason into his squad car so he can take him some place to pass out. A call comes over the radio about some meth-lab bust that is going down, because this town doesn’t already have enough to worry about. Andy decides to drag Jason along when he responds. After all, what fun is a drug bust if somebody’s not drunk?
They arrive at the scene, and Officer Kenya (I think I called her Kendra in the last review, my bad) is not pleased with the impromptu deputizing of Jason. They make Jason stay in the car, because he’s cuter than they are, and they go off to smash test tubes and such. Jason gets bored, so he decides to stare off into the woods, where he spots a waif-like girl just standing there while her hair blows around even though there’s not any wind anywhere else.
This intrigues Jason, so he runs off to make friends with the forest creature. She doesn’t have anything to say, though, maybe because her hair keeps getting in her mouth. Suddenly, one of the bad guys breaks lose from the exciting meth-bust activities and runs toward Jason and Helen Keller. Jason, his high-school football instincts kicking in, tackles the bad guy to the ground. Has Jason found a new career, or does he just not like people who run in the dark?
Merlotte’s again, where sad Tara is sitting outside and swigging from a bottle of Wild Turkey, because people are always forgetting that alcohol is a depressant. Suddenly, two racist rednecks stumble out of the bar and start saying racist redneck things, then one of them, um, defiles the spot where Eggs died. Tara goes ballistic and tosses aside the bottle of Wild Turkey so she can kick some racist butt.
Of course, she only weighs 43 pounds, so she’s not really getting her point across at first. Then the mystery vampire with the Sookie-seeking cowboy boots shows up, and he helpfully holds one of the very-surprised rednecks while Tara wails away on him, showing impressive boxing skills that we didn’t know she had but always suspected.
Back to the foo-foo Captain house once again, where the discussion is getting a little boring because how many times can the Captain tell Bill he should be a sheriff? Thankfully, the monotony is broken by Lorena showing up in her own horse-riding outfit. (There must be a lot of foxes to hunt on this estate.) This inspires Bill to pick up an oil lamp and throw it at her with pleasing accuracy. She bursts into flames and starts screaming really loud, probably mad because she didn’t even get to try the pecan pie.
Sookie’s house, where she and Eric are still on the front porch, with him bartering to get invited inside so they can either play backgammon or have monkey sex, his real agenda is still not clear. Suddenly, Eric senses something coming and insists that Sookie invite him in RIGHT NOW. She does, there’s some shadowy scuffling, and next thing you know a werewolf is racing toward Sookie. She calmly whips out Terry’s gun and shoots.
Credits roll.
Then, to make sure that we remain confused and mystified, the episode is followed by a music video where Snoop Dogg is rapping a love song about Sookie. Not kidding. Happily, we had recorded this on the DVR, and it cuts off just as Snoop is really getting lusty about his intentions toward Sookie.
What the HELL?
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