Searching For Signal: #132 - “True Blood” - Season 3, Episode 3

We start out at Sookie’s house, where a naughty little werewolf is racing toward Sookie, intent on doing some really intensive cosmetic surgery. Sookie, because she’s been trained in the military while we weren’t looking, uses her cute little gun to expertly fire a bullet at Lassie Gone Bad.

Suddenly, we go into slow-mo, because somebody on the film crew has watched “The Matrix” too many times, and we see Eric doing some odd ballet move as he throws himself in front of the werewolf and takes the bullet. (Some people will do anything to keep the camera on them.) Turns out Eric wants to keep the werewolf alive so they can try to get some information out of him. Me personally, I’d just kill the werewolf and then go online if I still needed some answers.

So Eric and the werewolf tussle a bit, during which time the werewolf transitions back to his human form, and we learn that he’s an ugly redneck who has never watched the Fashion Channel. And of course he’s naked, flopping all over the place so we can almost see his tackle. Are they serious with this? I don’t recall watching “Deliverance” and going, boy, I sure would like to see some of those toothless, no-indoor-plumbing people rolling around nekkid on my kitchen tile.

As Eric and Cletus play squat tag, Sookie, dancing around so she doesn’t get any blood on her pretty white Merlotte’s t-shirt, available for only $19.95, can hear some of the redneck’s thoughts, but things are scrambled and she really only hears the name “Jackson”. Interesting. Then Eric spies that “Nazi werewolf” symbol on one of Cletus’ body parts, and he changes his plans, ripping out the redneck’s neck in a nice display of Vampires Gone Wild.

Roll opening credits. Ugly people. Exuberance in church. Dangerous night-time baptisms.

Cut to the Captain’s house, that upper management vampire whose role I still don’t quite understand, where they are putting out the flames on a crispy but still very much alive Lorena. (The Captain’s whiny boyfriend, Talbot, is dismayed that they used some expensive tapestry thing to snuff Lorena’s fire. I think I’m already tired of him.) Then the Captain makes a mystifying speech about how they do things differently in Mississippi. Never plan to go there, but duly noted.

Then it’s just Captain and Te-Bill, with the Captain wanting to know just “how much do you love that human of yours?” Bill looks all anguished about the trials of loving a human and never being able to find the right toothbrush. The Captain suggests that Bill turn Sookie, just like the Captain turned Talbot, back in some unidentified century when they didn’t have wi-fi. Then the Captain touches Bill in an intimate way on his forehead and tells him to sleep on it. Based on the one-sided lust in the air, I’m thinking the Captain meant to say “sleep on ME.”

Quick scene with Sookie and Eric burying the redneck in a creepy graveyard. Eric is explaining that these special Nazi werewolves are really, really dangerous. I think that Sookie already understands this, having whipped out her cute gun and trying to kill Cletus before Eric decided to reenact scenes from “Billy Elliott”.

Then Sookie is babbling about the name “Jackson”, and Eric explains that it’s not a person but a place, as in Jackson, Mississippi. Oh. Sookie: “Do you think Bill’s there?” I have to go find him, I’ll leave tomorrow. Eric grimaces, because he wants Bill to stay far away, wherever that might be.

Cut to Tara and that new, vaguely British vampire who helped her beat up the racist yokels in the last episode. They’re having what appears to be some form of sex in a motel room. (I guess Tara is over Eggs, making it one of the shorter mourning periods.) We can’t quite see what he’s doing, but it’s making Tara’s eyelashes quiver in a somewhat unnerving way, so he must be doing something right. Then she begs him to bite her (girl, no!) but he refuses.

Next we’re at Sam’s newfound family’s house, where Daddy is pawing his crotch while sitting on the skanky couch with his son and watching TV. (I have no idea.) Nasty Daddy and his dirty underwear race off to find Trashy Momma, while Sam gets all huffy with brother Tommy about almost getting him killed when they were playing animal tag the other night. Trashy Momma wanders in, all aquiver, hoping Sam is going to move in with them or something.

Nope, Sam tells them he just came to say goodbye. Mom gets all boisterous, barking at Nasty Daddy to go pour out his beer, and then explaining to Sam “We ain’t alcoholics!” Honey, first off, that’s a lie, and second, that’s the least of your troubles. Do you even HAVE soap in that house? Running water?

Quick scene with Jason and Hoyt, where Jason is all gung ho about joining the police force after having tackled a drug dealer in the last episode. Because I’m sure that’s one of the questions on the application form. Can you tackle? Circle yes or no.

Back to the hotel where Tara and the new vampire are basking in the afterglow. We learn that his name is “Franklin”. She won’t reveal her name. Then Tara has one of those out-of-nowhere mood swings and she decides to get dressed and run to the mall or something.

Now we’re at Fangtasia (which I believe I called Fangoria in the last review, my bad) where Pam is… looking for buried treasure with some pole dancer/waitress/tramp. Mid-slurp, Pam gets a call from Jessica, who is all distraught that the dead body in the basement is missing. Well, then, Pam explains. Your problem is solved. Bye.

Jason and Hoyt again, where Jason is trying to answer questions that might be on the police admissions test, and failing miserably. Bored, Hoyt starts pining for Jessica. Jason, of all people, then proceeds to offer relationship advice while eating cold pizza and managing to touch his nipples at the same time.

Quick scene with Arlene at the obstetrician, where we learn that her pending bundle of joy is already 9 or 10 weeks old. This means that conception took place when she was… uh oh.

Back to Merlotte’s, where Tara gets a phone call from a Mike Spencer (do we know him?) saying that Egg’s funeral is taking place RIGHT NOW. Tara rips off her bartender apron and runs out the door, jogging down the street to the cemetery, because it’s a small town and you don’t really need a car.

Once there, Tara discovers that no one else has showed up for the funeral. This Mike guy explains that Sookie is the one who paid for the funeral, and right on cue Sookie wanders out of the woods where she has been hiding for no apparent reason. They bond and Sookie asks Tara to “come back home”, meaning Sookie’s house, where the deer and the werewolves play.

As the two hug each other and plan slumber parties, the camera pulls back to show a grave reading “Thomas Charles Compton, 1862-1868”. Wait, who is that?

Conveniently, the producers insert a flashback to 1868, where Bill wanders up to his house and plays with an odd sponge on the porch. Some woman throws open the door, brandishing a shotgun. It’s Bill’s wife, Caroline. She’s a little confused, it’s been “three years since the war ended”. Where has he been? Maybe he couldn’t find a taxi?

She invites him in, and there’s some sadness, as we learn that “Thomas Charles” is Bill’s son, who just happened to die of “the pox” roughly 13 minutes ago. Bill cries the freaky blood tears, which causes the wife to overreact and threaten to kill him with her trusty shotgun. She really needs to settle down and quit being so fussy.

But she’s a nervous type, so she shoots him, getting blood all over the nice crown molding. Of course, when he almost instantly heals, Caroline assumes the worst and starts running and screaming, because that solves everything. Lo and behold, Caroline runs around a corner and into the comforting arms of Lorena, who is always up in everybody else’s grill.

Caroline, knowing that her screen time is limited because she didn’t appear in the opening credits, really goes to town with the freaking out and the overly-dramatic response to mundane situations. She begs Bill to kill her because she’s uncomfortable with relatives who have cold skin. Bill actually starts to bite her, but Lorena stops him.

Quick scene with Jason taking the police admissions test, but suddenly the questions turn into hieroglyphics and the sheriff has a bullet hole in his head. Then everybody in the room has bullet holes and Jason has lost his pants at some point. No idea.

Cut to Jason and Lafayette doing their road crew thing, babbling about inconsequential matters, when suddenly Hoyt, who is doing something pointless in a ditch, starts bellowing. He just found a body with no head. It’s Bon Temps, people settle down. These things happen.

Sookie is cleaning up yet another bloody carpet in her house, when some guy comes up behind her. They scuffle a bit, then decide to be civil. His name is “LC”, which of course made me think of the cow, and I lost my focus for a bit. But apparently he’s a werewolf, not the Nazi kind, and Eric sent him to watch over her. Really?

Over to Merlotte’s, where Sam’s newfound family, in all their skankiness, come clattering in the door. Sam: “I thought we agreed to take some time.” Trashy Mom: “Don’t you want to see us?” This has bad news written all over it. But at least Nasty Daddy managed to find some pants somewhere along the line. Maybe they belong to Jason?

Back to the headless body in the ditch, where the police have arrived and they are doing police things. For no apparent reason, the Sheriff from Newhart decides that he doesn’t want to play anymore, and he rips off his badge and such. Deputy Andy and Kenya look properly confused, while Hoyt is wondering if Jessica is ever going to text him again.

Sookie’s house again, where she and LC are chatting. He tests her mind-reading ability, and Sookie passes without breaking a sweat, natch. Then LC explains why he’s here, something about helping his Daddy out of debt and he made a deal with Eric. And oh, by the way, his Ex is playing slap and tickle with one of the Nazi werewolf leaders. These should be warning signs for Sookie, but her only reaction is to adjust her ponytail to ensure that she still looks cute and Southern.

Cut to Bill, shirtless and dreaming, back to 1868 again, with him still dealing with wife Caroline and her trembling and her tendency to wave a shotgun around. She’s still begging Bill to kill her, which is fine by me because she’s really getting on my nerves. Lorena, with her accent that shifts wildly all over the place, instructs Bill to make her forget. So he does the glamour thing, which is the one vampire skill that I truly covet. I would love to mesmerize my manager, with a “yes, I worked every day next week”, and then hop on a plane to Bermuda.

We then see Bill and Lorena burying the young Thomas, with Lorena advising that “the only way you can show love for a human is to stay away.” Something tells me that this slogan will not be appearing on Hallmark bookmarks.

Back to the Captain’s house, where Nazi werewolf Cooter (still love that name, despite it being applied to a minor character) is whining about the fact that his plans to capture Sookie have gone awry. Lorena, in another of her many vaguely European hairstyles, says that Eric is the source of the problem. Then she turns her head just right so that the camera captures her best angle as she gazes off into the distance, plotting the death of any female who looks at Bill for longer than two seconds.

Speaking of, Bill then marches in, surprising everyone by proclaiming “I hereby renounce my fealty to Louisiana. I pledge my allegiance to Mississippi” or some such. The captain glows, looks with disdain at Talbot and his mutterings about ruined tapestries, and sighs contentedly.

Captain: “We don’t need the girl after all.” (This would be Sookie.)

Lorena scrunches her face and stomps her ancient foot. She mad.

Quick scene at Merlotte’s, with Tara and Jason trying to bond, but then he freaks about his true involvement with Eggs’ death, sees bullet holes in people that don’t really have them, and then runs out the door, hoping that the writers give him something else to worry about in the next episode.

Lafayette’s house, where he hears a car honking outside, and he and his flamboyant accessories go to investigate. It’s Eric, sporting lipstick and eyeliner because the makeup crew got confused, and offering the very nice car he is driving as a gift to Laff. Something about Laff being the best salesman of vampire blood. When Laff hesitates, Eric makes a comment about the “strange, plywood hut you live in” and whether or not Lafayette is serious about moving on up to a deluxe apartment in the sky. Laff and his accessories say they’ll think about it.

Over to Merlotte’s, where anxious Arlene and befuddled Terry are conversing about things. Arlene: “I got me a baby comin’.” Terry is thrilled, hugging Arlene and wailing “Thank you!” Um, does he not understand the dynamics of procreation? You actually have to sleep with someone before you can possibly claim the tax deduction that squirts out. Do they not have any textbooks in this part of Lousiana? Do these people get to vote?

Cut to Sam’s Nasty Daddy carrying a tray of shots to a booth where Trashy Momma and Brooding Brother Tommy are sitting. When Daddy proffers the shots to Tommy, Sam intervenes. Brother Boy is underage, can’t be havin’ that. Drunk Nasty Daddy gets an attitude about it, harsh words are exchanged, and Trashy Momma finally orders her kin to leave. Except for Sam, ‘cause he owns the bar and all and is way cuter.

Bill’s house, with clueless Jessica wandering around batting her surprisingly large eyelashes. There’s a knock on the door. It’s Franklin, the new vampire, and he has some questions. “Has anyone gone missing lately?” I guess Jessica didn’t read the script, because she doesn’t know what he’s talking about. So Franklin pulls something out of a cute designer bag he carried in. It’s the head of that guy Jessica inadvertently killed, threw in the cellar, and then was troubled when the body went AWOL.

Franklin smirks. “I help you, you help me. Now tell me everything you know about Bill Compton.” This doesn’t look good. I knew Franklin was trouble when he made Tara’s eyelashes flutter in an annoying way.

Quick scene with Jason, where he wanders into his apartment, picks up the application form for the police department, and then burns it. I guess this is supposed to be the sad end to a dream, but he’s only had this dream for about forty minutes. I think he’ll get over it. There are other opportunities for Jason, like the adult film industry where he can choose a screen name like “Throb Wonderbull” or “Rod Canyon”. He’ll be fine.

Sam’s house, which is apparently right behind Merlotte’s. He awakens to the noise of somebody doing something in the restaurant, so he runs in there with a gun and such. After several shots of him posing dramatically with his weapon, pointing it at things that aren’t really there, he makes his way to his office. The office is a mess, indicating clandestine searching, and a bird flies out the window. Probably brother Tommy. This is confirmed when Sam finds abandoned clothing on the floor. You just can’t trust relatives who can transition.

Sookie and LC traipse into some leather bar named “Lupines”, where all the Jackson werewolves hang out. (Imagine that.) Sookie glances around and realizes there may have been a fashion faux pas. “Am I not dressed properly?” The bouncer at the door responds with “You look like dinner.” Great. Things could go awry very quickly. This always happens when people wear leather.

Sookie and LC split up, trying to find clues about what might be going on in a bar where people wear dead cow skin. Sookie, naturally, immediately finds a suspicious person when she reads his mind and realizes he’s one of the hillbillies that kidnapped Bill. As anyone would, she agrees to follow this guy to a darkened back room where people can’t protect her. Once there, of course he tries to rudely violate her, and LC runs in to save the day.

There’s a nicely choreographed fight, with the hillbilly and his suddenly-interested buddies walloping LC, until the bouncer guy intervenes and makes people play nice. Once folks are separated, the bouncer lets LC know that his ex-girlfriend is getting married to somebody named “Cody” or something like that. I have no idea who Cody is, or if I even got the name right, but LC looks tragic and place, so it’s probably not good.

Sookie’s house again, with Tara flitting about, and Franklin the new vampire shows up. He wants to come in, Tara initially won’t let him, but then there’s more of the glamour thing and suddenly Tara is the most welcoming hostess in the South.

Over to the Captain’s house, with Bill in his guest room, slamming things about and not very happy. Lorena appears, because she always does so when nobody wants her to, and she accuses Bill of faking his allegiance to the Captain. (This is no great logic leap, so Lorena is not all THAT, but anyway.)

Bill gets very agitated, yelling at Lorena that “You have deprived me of my humanity again. I will NEVER love you! NEVER!”

And then they jump on his bed and start having beasty sex, which is not exactly what I would have expected. Then again, I’m not undead, and probably didn’t get all the procedural emails. In the midst of the violent boudoir physicality, Bill grabs Lorena by the neck, and twists her head around to face the floor. (That’s a neat trick.) While blood gushes out of her mouth, Lorena proclaims “I still love you!”

End credits roll.

I can never watch “The Exorcist” again. Seriously.