Wednesday, April 11, 2012

20 Messages I Am Telepathically Sending To The Bonehead Driver In Front of Me

1. “Unless you’re giving birth right there in the front seat, there’s no reason why you can’t stay within the lane markers.”

2. “There is no possible way that your car has passed inspection in the last fifteen years. I haven’t seen this many violations in one place since the Kardashians were picked up for another season.”

3. “It’s nice that you’ve designated God as your co-pilot. But it looks like He didn’t get the memo.”

4. “That there red electrical tape is right pretty as a brake light cover. Sure is.”

5. “In certain parts of Texas, they would have already shot you by this point.”

6. “Do you even understand that you are driving a car right now?”

7. “Why do you keep slamming on the brakes for no apparent reason? What happened to you in your childhood?”

8. “Are you trying to win some type of award for the sheer number of stuffed animals lined up in your back window?”

9. “It’s so sad that all the other cars on the road are interfering with your ability to talk on your cell phone.”

10. “Quit looking at me like that in your rearview mirror. I wouldn’t be honking if you actually knew what you were doing.”

11. “Uh huh. You just had to swerve around me at 90 miles an hour, yet here we are waiting at the same stoplight two blocks later. What the hell did you prove with that move?”

12. “Um, the light is green now. Do you want it to say ‘please’ before you actually go?”

13. “Do you seriously not understand what lane you should be in before you exit the highway?”

14. “Here’s a thought. If you would actually put down that triple-decker cheeseburger for two seconds, you might actually be able to focus on the road. But the bit about using your boobs to hold your drink was kind of interesting, so I’ll give you a couple points for that.”

15. “I’m going to guess that you have to pay for your car insurance on an hourly basis.”

16. “Dude, I can’t help you merge into my lane if you insist on going the same speed as me. Pull ahead or drop behind, then we can be merge buddies forever.”

17. “If you throw one more thing out the window we’re going to end up on Jerry Springer.”

18. “Could you turn that radio up a little bit louder? Because I think there’s some dead people in Siberia that can’t quite hear all the words.”

19. “You know what? Maybe if you didn’t let your 47 kids do handsprings in the backseat, you wouldn’t be ricocheting off the guardrails like a chipmunk on crack.”

20. “Why couldn’t YOU have been on Oceanic Fight 815?”

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