Tuesday, April 10, 2012

10 Reasons Why Taking A Shower Is Just Like Real Life

1. Some like it hot.

  These folks reach in, turn the hot-water tap to ultra-gusher, completely ignore the cold-water tap, and then leave the settings like this for the entire three-hour tour. Now, I generally like to wash away my sins as well as anyone, but I really don’t need to see my flesh swirling down the drain.

2. Some people have focus issues.

  Why are you turning on the shower and then wandering off to fold socks or read a book? Get your ass back in there and start scrubbing.

3. Some people just don’t understand science.

  Here’s how it works: If you let the shower run forever like that before you ever hop in, of course the hot water is going to run out before you get everything squeaky and sterilized. Stop being surprised by the sudden rush of cold water that makes some things more pointy and other things more emasculating.

4. Some people are inconsiderate and hateful.

  Speaking of water temperature, if you live in a dwelling with plumbing that has satanic qualities, where the mere flushing of the toilet can cause massive and painful fluctuations of the water temperature for  innocent people in the show, then stop flushing the toilet when people are in the shower. It’s very simple. If you hear water running anywhere in the house when the recycling urge hits you, then you need to just hold it or go to the gas station down the street.

5. Some people do unexplainable things when they are unsupervised.

  Why did you leave the hand-held shower head hanging like that? What were you doing with it in that position, all crotch-level and all? Put the damn thing back at head-level like a normal person.

6. Some people can’t put things back where they found them.

  See that little soap holder on the wall? Why is there nothing in it? Why is the missing soap lying on the floor, shoved into a corner? Is it in time-out? What did it do to you?

7. Some people believe in a Shampoo Fairy.

  You know the shampoo bottle is empty, because you’re the one that just used the last of it. Don’t plunk it back down and act like you have no idea what happened. Did you expect us to believe that someone broke into the house and stole just the liquids?  Fetch a fresh bottle before you go off and get dirty again.

8. Some people have one-night stands.

  These are the folks who can’t wait to try out a new product, use it once, then completely abandon it and never think of it again. This is how you end up with 47 bottles of body gel lined up on the shower floor, a little army of sanitation soldiers, mutely staring at your nakedness and yearning for you to call them back after your brief night of love.

9. Some people have annoying and suspect phobias.

  There is absolutely no reason why you can’t reuse the same towel that you used yesterday. Your body is theoretically clean when you step out of the shower, assuming that you’ve done things correctly. Ergo, the towel should be relatively clean as well for a good many days, and it should not be dripping with whatever it is you imagine to be on there. (Unless there’s something you and your sex life are not telling us.) Quit pulling out a fresh towel every time you get wet. We don’t need to do the laundry every three days.

  And once you’re done with that towel? Don’t throw the thing on the floor and expect small servants to rush forth and tidy up. Don’t leave it dangling on the doorknob, because it’s just going to fall off, and we still don’t have those servants. And do NOT hang the towel crookedly on the little drying rod where it normally lives. Make the ends match, people. It doesn’t need to look like you had a seizure during the two steps from the shower to the towel bar.

10. Some people just can’t see what is right in front of them.

  Especially when the mirror is fogged over because you took a three-hour shower using scalding hot water. Just wipe it off and get your life back on track. And don’t give in to the temptation to write something naughty in the steam sweat. Those words stick around longer than you think, you can still see them days later from the right angle, and we don’t want your visiting grandma to learn some surprising street lingo in the powder room, now do we?

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