Friday, April 20, 2012

25 Self-Help Books That Somebody Really, Really Needs To Write

1. “How To Remove Your Head From Your Ass Using Common Household Items”

2. “The Margarita-Based Diet”

3. “He’s So Completely Not Into You That He’s Moving To Another Planet”

4. “Chicken Soup For The Soulless”

5. “The Five Best Ways To Keep People From Slapping You”

6. “Depression: How To Tell The Difference Between The Real Thing And Simple Laziness”

7. “Things You Shouldn’t Wear If You Don’t Want People To Leave Money On Your Nightstand”

8. “Lights Up, Standards Down: Ten Reasons Why You Really Need To Leave That Bar Before Last Call”

9. “Social Networking Snafus, Part I: Some Things Really Just Need To Stay In Your Locked Diary”

10. “Social Networking Snafus, Part II: Tequila and Typing = Bad”

11. “The Magic of Movie-Going: How To Fully Enjoy The Experience By Shutting The Hell Up And Not Chewing On A Side Of Beef During The Screening”

12. “Blood Is Thicker Than Water and The Stains Are Harder To Get Out”

13. “The Illustrated Guide To Things That Shouldn’t Be On Your Computer When You Take It In To Be Serviced”

14. “The First Rule of Highway Safety: Stay Away From My Lane And Continue Living Until The Next Exit”

15. “Come On, Eileen: The Importance Of Making a Damn Decision About Things So That The People Who Are Trying To Love You Will Continue To Do So”

16. “The Best Villages To Live Where People Actually Raise Their Own Children”

17. “The Circle Of Life: How Assuming That I’ll Forgive Whatever You Do Just Because We’re Supposedly Friends Can Lead To Complications, Confrontations and Gunfire”

18. Jokers To The Right: An Examination Of How Some Right-Wingers Are So Self-Centered That They Are Actually Creating Black Holes In The Universe”

19.  “Mommy Drinks Because The Other Options Would Result In Jail Time”

20. “Mastering The English Language: How To Understand Apparently Complicated Phrases Like ‘Stop Texting Me Every Time You Blink’, ‘Don’t Go Into That Dark Alley’ and ‘Your Facebook Request Has Been Denied Once Again’”.

21. Rolling In The Sheep: An Examination Of Fox News Viewers”

22. “Gardening For Growth: A Handy Manual For Identifying and Weeding Out Those People In Your Life Who Are Preventing You From Reaching For The Sun”

23. “Take This Lob And Shove It: 101 Snappy Comebacks For Those Critical Times When You Need One But Are Drawing A Blank”

24. “Here Comes The Rain Again: How To Deal With The Constant Deluge Of Idiots Who Are Allowed To Walk The Face Of The Earth Without Supervision”

25. Who Are We Kidding?: The People Who Really Need This Book Have Never Read One In Their Entire Lives”

Peace in.


  1. This one "13. “The Illustrated Guide To Things That Shouldn’t Be On Your Computer When You Take It In To Be Serviced”" reminded me of the recent story of a priest who forgot to close his porn browser while showing a PowerPoint during his sermon. :-)

  2. Hey Lisa,

    Yep, that PowerPoint snafu was a little eye-opening, but not really surprising. Not a real fan of religious organizations that preach one thing, practice another, demonize perfectly decent groups of human beings, and yet still shove that offering plate at the congregation...