Friday, April 27, 2012

20 Startling Status Updates To Confuse Your Friends And Family

1. I knew there were going to be issues when they told me I had to light both ends of the baton before I could twirl it.

2. Wine is my friend. We have a secret language.

3. It’s a really good idea to make sure you have underwear on before answering the front door.

4. Has anyone seen the colander?

5. OMG! I just figured out that you have to turn ON the vacuum cleaner or it doesn’t do any good. I wondered why it had such a long tail…

6. I have no idea how I got 2,000 friends in Facebook. I’m assuming that alcohol was on the selection committee.

7. My fortune cookie had a recall notice in it.

8. Food always tastes better if you eat it standing in front of the refrigerator instead of taking the time to get a plate.

9. Today is National Procrastination Day. People suffer from procrastination all the time even though they try really hard to not do anything about it. If you support procrastination, think about posting this as your status, then don’t do it and go watch TV instead.

10. I’ve never been a big fan of people who don’t instantly shut up when I give them the “all I’m hearing is white noise and your blouse is ugly” look.

11. No one is born with hatred or intolerance. These are skills one must learn while standing in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles for three hours.

12. I’m just gonna have to blame the allergy medication for anything that happened between the hours of 10pm and midnight last Saturday.

13. So, what’s the real difference between first-degree and second-degree murder? Skill in hiding the body? Neatness? The dismount? Choice of soundtrack?

14. Okay, fine. I’m the one who ate the last piece of pizza and then made up that crap about a home invasion and paid the neighborhood boy to lie about somebody running down the alley with grease dripping from his chin. Trust me, that was just a minor moment in my resume of deception and world domination.

15. The treadmill in the den. The thing that I absolutely had to have, used it a few times, and then ignored it ever since. It’s just like any relationship I had in college, only without the beer bong and the subsequent need to visit a free clinic while wearing sunglasses and using a fake name.

16. Click “Like” if you think that people really shouldn’t be clicking “Like” on every tiny update from everybody on the planet. (Co-dependent, much?)

17. I really meant to accomplish a lot of important things today. Then I got out of bed, which totally ruined everything.

18. I have no idea how those stains got there.

19. Anybody besides me think you should have to use your real name when adding a comment to anything online? Except for porn sites. That’s a world of delusion in itself, with the obvious lie that sex lasts for hours, everybody has multiple orgasms, and all you have to do to arrange for sex is order pizza or have a plumbing situation where a service tech has to lie on the floor and reach for a lug-nut.

20. If anybody asks, I was nowhere near the intersection of Hampton and Bonnywood roughly two hours ago. I know nothing about how the fire started. And I certainly don’t have a flaming baton. Not anymore.

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