1. The neighbor who insists on mowing the lawn at 7am gets to live another week.
2. That fool on the conference calls at work will not have to suffer through me making sarcastic comments when I’m “pretending” that I’m on mute.
3. I will be unable to pay any bills and not mailing any envelopes, thereby doing my small part to save the rainforests.
4. The cashier at the local supermarket will get to enjoy her gum-smacking without me glaring at her like Satan has spawned once again.
5. I will not have access to Facebook, and therefore will not be making any slightly-drunken posts at 2am that confuse and/or offend people with my pointless rants that I end up deleting in the morning.
6. My blood pressure will not sky-rocket every time some idiot from a certain political party runs a campaign ad that is full of hateful crap and then waves an American flag like that somehow justifies being more ignorant than the entire cast of “Jersey Shore”.
7. I will actually have a real excuse for not making any blog posts, instead of lame reasons like “they’re showing a rerun of 2 Broke Girls and I have to watch it” or “we ran out of blackberry pie ice cream and I don’t have any real artistic motivation at the moment”.
8. Phone marketers will be unable to reach me and terrify me with products and services that any normal person would never need.
9. I will not be driving a vehicle and therefore will not have to blaspheme the crazed occupants of nearby cars who clearly have no common sense or a will to live.
10. I will not have to walk the agonizing 30 feet to the back alley in order to throw trash away. Mysterious, unseen people will do that for me.
11. I’m assuming that I won’t have to worry about underwear. This may be the most exciting experience in my entire life.
12. I don’t have to be nice to people that I don’t like, because I will never see them again or have to depend on them for pay raises or court settlements in my favor.
13. I will miss an episode of “True Blood”, and therefore I will have TWO HOURS of fresh material to watch when I get back. The mere anticipation of such an event is almost better than sex.
14. I have 80 unread books on my Kindle. And the resort has hammocks you can lounge in by the seashore. The sheer enjoyment of such an opportunity that will be radiating out of my body will surely be enough positive energy to inspire the citizens of war-torn countries to rise against and topple their evil dictators, thus becoming free nations where everyone is happy. Or maybe not. I’m still going to be in a hammock, reading books. We’ll see what happens.
15. Anytime you go to a resort where the alcohol is all-inclusive, good things are bound to happen….