1. Well, look at that. Tara arose from the dead all jacked up. Like we didn’t know this was going to happen. And Pam is completely unconcerned about what one should do with a jacked-up Tara, racing off into the night and presumably finding something to wear that doesn’t have butterflies on it. Again, no surprise. But the fact that newborn Tara can balance in the kitchen sink without falling off the counter? Didn’t see that coming.
2. Arlene is still standing by her man Terry, even though he has a tendency to wake her up in the middle of the night wearing an undershirt that accents his oddly-stimulated nipples and possibly trying to kill her. Screw that Tammy Wynette thing, I would SO be on Oprah at this point.
3. The Authority apparently has a huge complex hidden under a strange, abandoned warehouse that looks like a French consulate. (No explanation is given about the confusing architectural style.) This lovely resort also has some seriously-vindictive tanning beds.
4. Alcide is completely not interested in being the new wolf-pack leader. Marcus’ mother (do we even know her name?) is not interested in Alcide’s non-interest, insisting that Alcide is the new pack leader, despite Alcide having gained ownership of his new title by killing Marcus. (Is Alcide a Republican?)
5. Sam and Luna have no interest in who is the leader of what, they just want to go home and see what might have recorded on the DVR. Once there, they instead get into a shout-fest over who has behaved more appropriately in life. Luna gets a little pushy, Sam stomps out, and little Emma lies in her bed and wonders if she will grow up to be a wolf or a shape-shifter. Apparently career opportunities are limited in Bon Temps.
6. Some teen boy tromps into the police station and tries to get all whup-ass on Jason for having slept with his mother. Boy says his mother’s name is Sharon. Jason is confused. He’s slept with at least 47 Sharons just since the last episode.
7. That former pastor leader of the “Church of the Blinding Sun” or whatever it was is still pining for Jason. He goes on national TV to proclaim that he is now a vampire, but lies about the fact that he’s lusting for some man-man bang-bang. Because it’s okay for Christian leaders to fess up to being something that can kill you, but not to being someone who can love regardless of gender. Sound familiar?
8. Jason (still simple) tracks down Hoyt (still overly bitter) at his Momma’s house (Maxine, still wearing far too much makeup and yet another muumuu), and tries to get Hoyt to be his friend again. Hoyt, while fiddling with some plumbing under his Momma’s sink (can you say “symbolism”, because who doesn’t want Jason?) refuses the friendship offer and says the F-word a lot because you can do that on the premium channels AND it offends his mother. Double win.
9. As Jason leaves, Momma Maxine whispers to Jason that she’s gonna bake him a pie for having slept with that red-haired slut, thereby making Hoyt stopping sleeping with sluts, at least temporarily. (Personally, I’m not sure I’m willing to do things with sluts if all you get is a baked good out of it, but I’ve never tasted Maxine’s handiwork so I might be missing out on something.)
10. Sheriff Andy (while on some obscure subplot thing with Jason) discovers a vial of V in an abandoned car and does not immediately drink it. This is probably the wisest decision in the entire episode.
11. Jessica, having yet another pointless frat party at the house that is not really hers, is somewhat surprised when Reverend Sunshine shows up and wants to party. As often happens when religious figures appear at places where a keg is being hoisted, the evening’s agenda is radically altered and Jessica eventually makes the boring college people leave. Hallelujah.
12. Bill, Eric and New Sister-Chick Nora all get tortured by various members of The Authority, trying to get them to pledge allegiance to some weird-ass bible based on some ye olde woman named Lilith. Previously, I only thought people named Lilith were responsible for Fairs that Sarah MacLachlan actually organized or appeared on TV sitcoms with Kelsey Grammar. I didn’t know of this other back-story. I might have to do an Internet search later.
13. Speaking of back-stories, we get flashes of Pam in San Francisco, 1905, where she is apparently the mistress in a bordello where they also serve fresh seafood. Pam and the Pam-ettes are just trying to sell their womanly bits for fair-market value when some fool tries to accost Pam after she decides to primly walk down the street after midnight. Lo and behold, Eric whisks in to save the day and erotically suck blood from his fingers, thus establishing the Eric/Pam dynamic that we know and love.
14. Speaking of The Authority, Christopher Meloni finally shows up (we knew he was coming, people have been blogging about it for months and hoping that he shows as much dangly as he did in “Oz”) as some Very Important Person who yells a lot and likes to zip from one end of the room to the other in a very fast manner. He’s on the verge of giving Bill and Eric the True and Ultimate Deathly Death to the two miscreants for past bad behavior. And he yells a lot.
15. Bill and Eric, not overly fond of the concept of really and truly dying, offer to track down Russell Edgington, the annoying and psychotic super-vamp that The Authority thought was dead but really isn’t. (I think this clearly undermines the authority of The Authority if they can’t keep track of who is really dead and who is just un-dead, but I guess we don’t need to go there.)
16. The Authority Board of Directors (which includes a bratty little child of no worth and a guy who looks like the guy who played Candyman in those movies back in the day) decide that maybe finding Russell is the better option at this point, since he’s crazy and all and likes to rip spines out of people on national television. Fine. Bill and Eric have roughly 17 minutes to find the Russell wretch.
17. Christopher Meloni still hasn’t taken his clothes off at this point, so I guess he hasn’t heard that just about everybody in the cast had to do that in the last episode.
18. Tara, who spends most of the episode running around Sookie’s house and breaking fine china, finally calms down a bit and let’s Sookie and Lafayette know that she can actually do more than vandalize and grunt. “I will never forgive either of you.” Then she races off into the night and presumably goes where bitter people who have been turned into vampires against their will tend to go. (I wonder if I’ll see her tomorrow at work?)
19. Nipple-showing, probably mentally-unstable Terry and his new little sidekick, Patrick (otherwise known as “he who just showed up even though we have no idea what’s going on with that”) have a couple of verbal and physical fights where Arelene gets to scream and clutch at her hair before bitching both of them out, decide that their lives will be better if they go find someone named “Heller”. Personally, I’m thinking if someone has that kind of name, I probably don’t want to find them.
20. We end the festivities by visiting yet another abandoned warehouse that really isn’t one (apparently they have a lot of those things around here) where we see a badly-damaged but still alive Russell Edgington. And he doesn’t look none too happy about that business of being forced to be part of the foundation for a parking garage. Uh oh.
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