Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Random Thoughts About the “True Blood” Season 5 Premiere

1. How many times is poor Sookie gonna have to mop up blood from Gram’s kitchen floor? That sure is some durable linoleum.

2. How is it that no matter what is going on in town, people still pile into Merlotte’s for a grease-dripping burger and fries? And how does that place manage to stay open when most of the employees don’t even show up for work because they’re too busy dealing with supernatural crap in graveyards?

3. Sookie and Lafayette think it’s a good idea for Pam to turn the shotgun-jacked Tara into a vampire? On what planet? You know Tara is not going to take kindly to this suggestion.

4. I’m thinking that Eric has watched “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” too many times and has gotten confused about proper relationships with siblings.

5. If you encountered Jason standing all naked like that at his front door, of course you’re going to glamour him to get in the house.

6. The concept of a mega-church pastor finally giving in and acting on his previously-hidden desires to share the gospel, so to speak, with a same-sex former member of his holy flock. That never happens, right?

7. The bit with Pam commenting on being forced to wear a butterfly-and-kitty-enhanced sweatshirt from Wal-Mart? Priceless.

8. Hoyt just needs to suck it up and get over the Jessica and Jason thing. It’s Bon Temps. Just relax and wait a few episodes and eventually the script people will have you do something twisted that gives you some degree of validation.

9. Jessica needs to stop participating in meaningless sub-plots where she invites all of her college friends over even though we’ve never met any of them and she’s never been to college. Honey, you’re the default Vampire Queen of Louisiana. Act like it.

10. Speaking of people we’ve never met, who are all these new members in Marcus’ wolf-pack? They sure weren’t around when he was having all those relationship issues with Crazy Debbie and impossibly-buff Alcide. But now that Marcus is dead, they’re all pissy and stalker-ish. (Side note: Let it be known that I have no desire to be in any type of organization where you feel compelled to eat your former leader when he dies. Not really my style.)

11. Anybody else notice that Sam purposely almost exposed his bacon while lying to the wolf-pack about having killed Marcus? This is what you get with American TV, the teasing without the delivery. In Europe, they would have spent a whole five minutes on the free-bird Sam Snake while beret-wearing poets chanted in the background and Catherine Deneuve drove by in a hearse.

12. Luna’s perky daughter Emma, with all that she’s already seen in her young life? That’s a hefty therapy bill waiting to happen.

13. Were they trying to set some type of nudity record with this episode? Hell, even Sheriff Andy made his own contribution to the two-moon junction effort. Not complaining, just wondering how the producers sold that angle during the initial script read-thru.

14. Now-dead Marcus had a mother who actually cared for him and his sorry excuse of a person? Yet she obviously didn’t care for proper grooming or reasonable couture. This might explain why Marcus was such an asshat.

15. Loving the somewhat-implied fact that Lafayette’s boyfriend Jesus is not actually gone. Everyone needs a little Jesus in their life, right? (And if he does show back up, I hope he got the memo about this season’s regulation about running around without clothing whenever possible.)

16. The Authority is not to be trusted. We sort of always knew this was the case, especially with that Nan chick always looking so severe and being overly bitchy.  And with an Old Testament name like that for the shadowy organization, we shouldn’t have been surprised. (But I sure would like to get my hands on some of those nifty silver-mesh capture nets. They would come in handy during my next staff meeting at work.)

17. What is up with that marine-buddy dude of Terry’s? I may have missed something somewhere, but things are a little bit off with that mess. And Arlene doesn’t seem to quite trust him, and I gotta go with Arlene’s instincts even if she has a fondness for the over-use of foundation makeup and ending a scene by making her eyeballs bulge in frustration.

18. Does anybody have access to the Internet in this town? I’m thinking that might solve a lot of problems.

19. Whoopsie. Looks like Eric’s sister-slash-whatever-the-hell-she-is (preferred sex partner in metal storage bins?) didn’t quite have things covered, with The Authority rushing in and killing off all those bit actors who were hoping for a contract renewal this season. Never trust a quasi-sibling that we never heard about during the first four seasons.

20. And Tara pops out of the ground looking all crazy-eyed. Did you expect anything less?

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