Wednesday, March 9, 2011

10 Alternate Things To Do With That Low-Fat Frozen Meal That You Don’t Really Want

1. Pay it forward.

  Stand innocently just inside the front door until you hear the mailman walking up the steps. Dramatically fling the door open, throw the flat brick at the guy, then slam the door. Reopen the door, throw a plastic fork on the ground, then slam the door shut again.

2. Punish people who shouldn’t be eating ice cream in the first place, especially since YOU can’t have any.

  Take several of the frosty bricks, stack them in the freezer for optimal landslide tumbling, and wedge the trigger brick behind the carton of Sven and Mary’s Triple Chocolate Orgasm. Be sure to front-load the avalanche so that the heaviest items will rain down before Cousin Bettina has enough reactionary time to get out of the way. Things like meatless lasagna and tofu enchiladas usually have enough heft for optimal shock and awe.

3. Reinforce the foundation of your house.

  Shove some of those suckers in the right cracks and crevices, and your house will be solidly stable for years to come. Or at least until the Spring thaw. All construction work involves risk.

4. Terrorize neighborhood children.

  Find a decent-sized broken tree branch in the backyard, then go wait at one of the front windows. Eventually, a pack of neighborhood children will arrive in the near vicinity and begin playing one of those pointless games that will not benefit them at all in later life. Wait for an intense moment when all the youngsters are focused on red rovering, oxen-freeing or whispering excitedly about sexual terminology that they don’t yet understand. At that moment, hurl a frozen brick of pretend Salisbury steak through the window glass with considerable exuberance.

  If done with the proper style and effort, the sound of the smashing glass will cause the little urchins to turn your way as one, their faces slack as they begin assessing this new development and instinctively making plans to dissociated themselves from whatever is going on. (“Where can I run? Who can I blame? What’s a believable alternate location where I can claim to have been?”) 

  Once you have a quorum of attention, step up to the shattered window, shove the stick through the newly-installed air duct and begin waving it around. (It’s okay if you slice your arm open, since you have plenty of frozen entrees that you can use to staunch the bleeding, so don’t worry about it.) Bellow: “I saw you throw this! I’m going to tell your MOTHER!”

  They will instantly vanish, in that nimble-footed way that children have because they haven’t already depleted all the Vitamin C in their bodies like us old people. You won’t see them again for hours, maybe days, thus allowing you to indulge in your whimsical hobby of vacuuming the front room in the nude, without a pesky squad car pulling up to the curb.

5. Gain revenge on those idiot drivers who insist on barreling through your neighborhood like they’ve got the crabs again.

  Build your own speed bump! Line up stacks of the frozen bricks across the road, and then sit back and watch as clueless people realize that something is not quite right and actually slow down for a change. Eventually you will have nothing left but liquid and flattened cardboard, but you should get an hour or two of laughs out of it.

6. If feeling frisky, arrange for a nice round of guilt-sex from your partner.

  March dramatically into whatever room your partner is occupying at the moment, and slam down a crystallized box of nonfat, unsalted, meatless, cheese-less burritos, and proclaim “This is our RELATIONSHIP right now! We haven’t had sex since those last two states joined the country.” Pretend to cry while still managing to show some skin and lick your lips with aggression and dewiness.

  If things work out, you will soon be bumping around with abandon. In fact, if you have played the guilt card correctly, you might even finally get to bring up doing that thing with the velvet glove, without your normal concern that your partner might publish some adverse commentary on Facebook.

7. Advertise on Craig’s List.

  Somebody out there will come by and eat that stuff FOR you.

8. Unplug the refrigerator.

  Sure, there might be some collateral damage with food that actually has a taste, but can you really put a price on not having to eat another freakin’ “hamburger” made out of rice and vegetable protein? I think not. Be sure to conduct this bit of mischief with careful planning, so there will be plenty of time for spoilage before some fool plugs the damn thing back in again.

9. Show folks your eccentric side.

  Stomp into your local supermarket and up to the Customer Service desk. Plunk down a frozen rectangle of fishless fish sticks and announce “I believe this is the winning lottery ticket.” (Be prepared for disbelief and gum-smacking.) If people attempt to not take you seriously, edging toward the break room, knock something over and take one of the bagboys hostage, threatening everybody with a jagged plastic water bottle.

  Just as things reach the critical point where military personnel might need to be involved, release the bagboy and laugh hysterically, claiming that this was just an April Fool’s idea that you had and you wanted to make a test run. Then turn and waltz out of the store. (Be prepared for subsequent activities such as having to run very fast and/or dive into a dumpster as a diversionary tactic.)

10. Take the easiest way out.

  Throw all those damn dinners in the trash and eat what you want. Screw the world. Then lie to your doctor. He doesn’t need to know EVERYTHING, or he might cut off your supply of happy pills, and this country already has enough problems right now without you going off your meds.

  Peace in.

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