Friday, March 4, 2011

15 More Smarmy Things To Say to Your Significant Other That You Deeply Love But Still Want To Slap Sometimes

1. “Can you help me understand why that pair of underwear has been in the same spot for two weeks now? Is it a memorial of some kind? Are we not allowed to touch it, like the state flower when it grows by the side of the road?”

2. “It is SO sweet of you to designate that pretty glass bowl as the new home for our car keys and wallets. Very efficient and space-saving of you. Now, in the future, could you possibly send out a memo when you decide to do these things? Preferably well in advance of me needing to get to an important appointment ON TIME. Your surprise redecorating has indirectly resulted in a small foreclosure on this house. But the bowl IS pretty.”

3. “Why are we watching this movie? Again. For the 12th time. Was there a recall and they changed the ending?”

4. “Dumplin’, allow me to break this down for you. If you feed the cat THIS, then the litter box is going to look like THAT. Please tell me you finally understand the connection. Otherwise I’m leaving.”

5. “Yes, I understand that you like bold, dramatic color schemes, and that I seek comfort in stark white when it comes to interior paint. It’s only fair that we work together and come to an all-satisfying compromise. But Sweetie, I just don’t think I can go on with life if there is something called “Xanadu Eggplant with Leg-Warmer Trim” coating my walls. I just can’t bear it. Let’s be agreeable about something else, shall we?”

6. “I don’t care for thousand island dressing. We will never talk about this again.”

7. “I’m just curious, Poodle. What aspect of my clothing choices, facial expressions, angry blog posts and, well, upbringing in general, would make you think I would willingly go along with your decision to have the rose bush removed on the side of the house? Seriously.”

8. “But I’ve always parked in that same spot. For roughly 400 years. Did you really think I wouldn’t notice that you changed the game? And I don’t CARE if you had to get the verging-on-expiration milk into the fridge. Quit buying day-old dairy. And park in your own damn space. God.”

9. “Here’s what I’m observing. Every day, you come in the back door after work, then race to the front of the house to check the mail before you even turn off the alarm, stomping on the cat and knocking me aside as I stand there with my lips pursed for a welcoming kiss. What the HELL are you expecting in the mailbox? Hillary Clinton?”

10. “Oh, no. No. Not at all. We are no longer qualified to wear sleeveless t-shirts. The bloom is long gone. You could take an eye out with that swinging flesh. We must now sit chastely at dinner parties and hope a body part doesn‘t fall off before coffee is served.”

11. “I never signed up for compromise in a relationship. That was in my online profile. I can’t help it if your Internet connection went down. Pay your bills.”

12. “No, she’s YOUR friend, I’M not the one who invited her over. Don’t you be bringing her psychotic hallucinations up in here. Wait, what was that? She works at Macy’s and has an employee discount? I love you SO much. Go answer the door while I hide the sharp knives.”

13. “Darling, please take a look at this brochure. Isn’t it festive? It’s from Oprah’s people. I’d like you to pay special attention to Page 3. That’s where trained specialists explain that, when two people in a relationship are discussing food-consumption arrangements, the initial question of ‘What would you like for dinner?’ should NOT be rebutted with ‘Well, what would YOU like for dinner‘? This leads to madness and nobody getting to eat what they really want.”

14. “Who ARE you right now? Have you been comparing notes with Linda Blair?”

15. “Please leave your message at the beep. But the beeper thing is broken, and your words will be lost forever in an abyss of darkness and non-validation. Which means that I win this round. Again. Thank you for playing. Don’t come again. Oh, but could you pick up some milk when you go to the Crow-Eating store? The jug in the fridge smells sour…”

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