1. Dear Steven
It’s sweet that you think everything that anybody ever does is “beautiful”. You seem like a really nice guy. But you know what? Every once in a while, one of the contestants is not all THAT. In fact, they can be downright blah. And it’s okay to point that out. Really. So let’s learn some new adjectives, shall we? Thanks.
2. Dear Randy
I know you’ve gotten my previous memos on this, so I’m not quite certain why you insist on perpetuating the behavior, but I’ll try again. By now, we all fully understand that you were in a band back in the day. And that you’ve produced, played with or slept with a vast chunk of the music industry. Good for you. Now, can we NOT mention that again? Ever? I’d appreciate it.
3. Dear Jennifer
Love you big time. Seriously. But I’m very concerned. What the hell was up with your eye-shadow last night Was there an explosion in your dressing room? Were you trying to help planes land? Was this a PR move to help promote your next single, “Waiting for the Neon Raccoons Tonight”? Please explain.
4. Dear Steven
Is Stevie Nicks aware that you’ve been in her clothes closet?
5. Dear Randy
Thank you for finally not using the word “pitchy” in an episode. I like this trend. Please see the attached list of 437 other constantly-repeated words of yours that would benefit from an early retirement. It’s the right thing to do.
6. Dear Jennifer
By now we understand that when you start your review with “you look SO pretty tonight”, you really didn’t care for the actual singing. Remember that Paula Abdul girl? She used to do the same thing. Some fool contestant would screech and howl their way through an obvious crash-and-burn performance, and Paula’s first comment would be “Honey, that is the CUTEST bustier I’ve EVER seen!” Perhaps this “soften the blow” approach is just a characteristic of female singer-dancers with fabulous hair.
7. Dear Steven
Just curious. Do you have any other children out there that you forgot about for a while and then suddenly remembered years later that you had procreated? Because things eventually worked out pretty well with that Liv business. She’s cute. So maybe you should check your old diary entries for fuzzy moments when you might have gotten people pregnant and then left town.
8. Dear Randy
Why do your eyes always look like you just sat on a cucumber?
9. Dear Jennifer
I completely agree with you that a song should tell a story, sage advice that you are always giving the contestants. But it did make me wonder about YOUR latest single, “On The Floor”. What story are you trying to tell with THAT? Because the only thing I learned from the song and the video is that Pitbull is still bald. Maybe you could help me out here?
10. All Three of You
By working diligently, I have managed to avoid the “Twilight” books and movies, mainly because of not wanting to indirectly support the Mormon church, but also because I found that “choosing teams” mess to be a bit silly. But after his performance last night (and really, almost all of his performances) I’m ready to declare my allegiance to Team Jacob. Even if there aren’t any vampires on “American Idol”. Well, not the kind with actual fangs. (And P.S.: You’d best use that “save” if Jacob is ever in trouble. Sayin.)
And now back to our regularly-scheduled programming…