Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Maroon 5 - “Won’t Go Home Without You”

  We start out with lead singer Adam and presumably his date having a nice time sitting in a restaurant, despite the fact that everything is in black and white and you can’t hear what they might be saying since the soundtrack hasn’t started yet. (Did somebody forget to do something?) By the way, so you won’t waste time trying to figure out why the girl looks familiar, she played Alex on “Lost”, the daughter of Crazy Ben who went sort of crazy herself, but then redeemed herself just before getting killed. (Which, come to think of it, happened to a lot of people on that show. Do NOT book a flight on Oceanic Airlines.)

  Anyway, we flip through some scenes, and it seems that Adam and Alex eventually have something of a tiff, and he stomps off, leaving Alex and her overly-large necklace to deal with the check. Cut to Adam with the rest of the band, performing the song in one of those nondescript rooms with ugly carpeting, a setting that lots of bands tend to enjoy for unknown reasons. While his mates moved about freely, Adam seems obsessed with sitting in a wooden chair and gripping it very tightly so we can see his arm veins.

  Nothing really major happens for a bit here, as the camera jumps around the room so we can see what folks are up to. The drummer drums, the guitar players guitar, and we keep getting very tight close-ups of Adam’s face so that we can make a detailed analysis of his facial-pore situation and recommend a few astringents. (Say, is that Gregg Allman playing one of the guitars? He’s looking really good for his age.)

  Um, this goes on for a while. They try some interesting camera angles and such, but really, it’s just a band making music. (And really, the one guy banging out that same note on the piano? Why do we need to see him doing that so many times? I get it. It’s the same note. Thank you.) The director also provides us with more snippets of Adam and Alex and their black-and-white domestic meltdown, but again, nothing new other than confirmation that Alex has amazing cheekbones.)

  Oh wait, something’s up as Adam finally gets out of that chair, dashes out of the room, and suddenly appears… in an alley walking by a dumpster. Okay, not a destination I would choose, but at least we have movement. Adam struts along for a bit, warbling, and eventually encounters a group of boys riding skateboards and squirting water at one another. I really don’t get the appeal of this activity, but they seem to be having a nice time and Adam doesn’t make them stop, even when they get him wet.

  A bit later, Adam is walking in a parking lot where some obvious hookers are trying to ply their trade. One enthusiastic and chesty member of the Third Wives’ Club tries to get Adam’s attention by yanking on him, but he’s busy with another chorus of the song and he leaves Jezebel behind so she can learn some hard lessons about rejection and bad wardrobe choices. Adam turns a corner, and this is where we go off the rails.

  Adam trips over some break-dancer and his cardboard, causing the small but entranced audience to shove Adam around like a pinball. This leads to Adam being forced to pose for photos with tourists and Professor Dumbledore and possibly Marilyn Monroe. Then some chippie in a ballroom gown throws herself at Adam and they spin around a bit, causing a rabid and aggressive clown to shove his face at the camera. We end this madness with a Chinese Dragon trying to swallow Adam’s head.


  Cut to Adam, having escaped the traveling circus, taking a break in front of a store window display where a male deer is offended by a pile of plastic bags containing blue gel. (There’s also some scrawny trees. I don’t think they were part of whatever crime might have happened, but I wouldn’t be surprised if Charlie Brown and Linus showed up with some Christmas decorations.) Adam sings for a while, perched in front of the display, so we’ll assume that he feels comfortable around disgruntled wildlife.

  Then Adam gets a second wind, and off he goes, running back to the restaurant where Alex should be if she hasn’t time-skipped her way to another part of the island. Adam throws open some really nice Art Deco doors, and starts rudely marching past the restaurant staff, cruelly knocking aside some waitress and her stock of dinner rolls.

  Well, there are certain ways one should act in public, and this isn’t one of them, so some burly guys grab Adam and start dragging him away. (Wait. Burly guys on the wait staff? This clearly can’t be New York City. Maybe Idaho?) The tough dudes throw Adam into the alley. He promptly doubles back and runs in another door, one that is apparently unguarded by bitter bouncers who failed entrance into the Police Academy.

  Adam sashays through the restaurant until he makes it back to the table where Alex should still be seated, and she is, only with a new companion who hasn’t shaved but obviously has Alex’s lust-o-meter hitting the higher numbers, both of them gazing at one another with a passion that no one understands but will probably make a nice Top 40 hit. Dejected, Adam turns and wanders off to see if the restaurant does carry-out.

  Dude. You battled a Chinese Dragon and insistent hookers, but you’re going to let a little cologne model stop you from claiming Ben’s daughter? Weak.

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