Saturday, May 21, 2011

10 Unresolved Issues About This Rapture Thing

Dear God,

Hi! I just have a few questions…

1. The memos that I didn’t get.

I’ve checked all of the settings for all of my email accounts, even the secret one on I don’t have anyone blocked, so I’m a little confused. What’s going on with this rapture business? Why have only certain people been made aware of this event, usually poorly-dressed beings with hygiene and social issues? Please advise.

2. The travel restrictions.

How many carry-ons are we allowed? And can we bring pets? Because I’m not really sure that I want to go anywhere without them. I mean, I’m fairly certain that they are innocent and untainted by the sins of mankind. Well, except for the one cat, who insists on shredding my legs as some type of feline sport. There’s certainly some work of the Devil going on there. I’ll just put some extra food in his automatic feeder.

3. The accommodations.

I’m sure that you’ve probably worked this out, being all-knowing and stuff, but I am a little concerned about my future digs. Is there enough space for all my worldly goods? Because, as I’m sure you’re aware, I’m a blogger. This means I need lots of electronic equipment surrounding me as I comment on the society that I don’t actually participate in. I’m assuming that you still want me to carry on with this profession, although at a slightly higher elevation.

4. The couture.

I’ve reviewed the brochure, and I feel it my duty to point out that I don’t look particularly fetching in outfits fashioned out of bed sheets, all toga-style and such. This might seem a bit superficial, but since you’ve graced me with gayness, it’s only natural that I seek clothing more befitting of a style-conscious cloud dweller. I thought you‘d understand. And you do realize that we don’t wear white after Labor Day, yes? Please have your staff send a revised brochure for the rainbow people.

5. The bit about the repetition.

I realize that you are very busy, what with trying to keep the terrorists and the Republicans in line, but I do have a slight quibble to air. Could you maybe talk to some of your flock and explain to them that just because they are confused and troubled in their own lives, it doesn’t necessarily mean that the Complete and Total End of the World is Nigh? Perhaps I’m being a bit forward, but really, do we actually need this Fox-News-inspired fire drill every other week?

6. Those lingering, outstanding credit card bills.

Do we still have to pay them once we’ve been transported? Does Heaven accept certified mail, wherein gloomy lawyers make accusations and insist on payment? I have tremendous, untested credit limits that anxiously await your response.

7. The social nuances.

Will I still be able to follow my life-long, self-imposed guidelines of not talking to idiots and inbreds? I know that you love everyone, but I have not yet reached that level of forgiveness and enlightenment. Will the stupid people live in their own special quarters? This is something I must know before I sign any waivers or agreements.

8. The animal sacrifice thing.

We’ve moved beyond that, right?

9. The full extent of Gabriel blowing his trumpet.

I’m hoping you’re just parsing the people, not the planet. Because the beautiful bits of nature are not responsible for the disastrous actions of vicious, short-sighted, soul-rotted people who just want to make a buck. Let the majestic mountains remain grand and let the tiny flowers spring forth in the smallest cracks. Please and thank you.

10. The do-over option.

Would you mind terribly if I stayed behind this time? Not that I don’t want to be there, but the part of me that is actually gracious and hope-filled and truly concerned about decency… that part of me wants to stay and see who you have not chosen. I want to approach them on the deserted streets, Rapture ended, and slap their smug faces for trying to beat me down with their twisted interpretations of scripture, their blasphemization of what was truly intended.

I know this is small of me. I am small. But I’m trying to learn. I’ll catch up with you on the next go-around. Thanks for the invite. Peace.

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