10 Trophies That SHOULD Have Been Handed Out at the Country Music Awards

1. The Best Person for the camera to cut to any time we need a reaction shot about anything.

  Reba McEntire.

2. The Best Performance by an Actress pretending that all that mess up there doesn’t really hurt.

  Shawna Thompson of Thompson Square. And her hair.

3. The “I’m gonna conquer this crappy sound system ‘cause my Momma taught me never to back down” Award.

  Carrie Underwood during her duet with Brad Paisley. Something wasn’t quite right with the technical side of things, making her sound a little off. So she bravely kept yelling louder and louder so we could be damn sure to hear her hit those notes, going after that microphone like Jesus better take more than just the wheel. Good thing Brad was holding that heavy guitar or he would have been blown off the stage.

4. The “Hey this song is really good and they sound great together but does that guy need to pee?” Award.

  Matt Nathanson during the duet with Sugarland. Jennifer Nettles looked cute as always, but Matt was really, really squirmy, with that “I’m going to lunge at you, no I’m not” thing going on.

5. The “I have a better set of pipes than every car in the parking lot but I keep losing to children” Award.

  Martina McBride.

6. The “Perhaps I just don’t understand the meaning of this award” Award.

  Taylor Swift as Entertainer of the Year. For the second time. Discuss amongst yourselves.

7. The “Are you really sure you’re in the right place?” Award.

  Three-way tie: Nicole Kidman (I know, she’s been coming for years, clinging to Keith Urban and wearing couture, but it still throws me when she pops on camera every 20 minutes), Susie Brown of The JaneDear Girls (I have no idea what was going on with that outfit), and Emily VanCamp from the Revenge TV series (because they play SO much country music on that show, right?). Honorable Mention: The upper balconies, which appeared to be filled with hundreds of howler monkies, at least when there was a cute male on the stage.

8. The “Horizon-Too-Far” Award.

  Another three-way tie, to Vince Gill, Keith Urban and Brad Paisley, with the Glen Campbell tribute. All three of them are very talented people, but sometimes you just don’t touch a song that was done perfectly the first time. I’m sure it sounded very good on paper. On stage, not so much. (And what was up with inviting Glen to come on down and then not letting him speak?)

9. The “When in doubt, bring the hookers out” Award.

  Luke Bryan, performing with a gaggle of the only pole dancers in town who didn’t have a private gig lined up after the show. There were more legs in the air than Democrats in the audience. Things have come a long way since back in the day when the only risqué thing you got to see was the dangling price tag on Minnie Pearl’s hat.

10. The “Don’t ever do this again on a Wednesday night” Award.

  To ABC. Thanks to your scheduling decision concerning this lovely pageant about the commercialization of country music, I was unable to watch episodes of Suburgatory, Modern Family, Happy Endings and Revenge. This was emotionally devastating for me, and I’m still mad at you about the Pushing Daisies cancellation, so you really need to try harder if you want our relationship to remain healthy. Send me something pretty and maybe I’ll get over it.

Cheers.