Thursday, November 3, 2011

10 More Life Lessons From the Latest “Survivor” Episode

1. If everybody gets invited to the hoedown, something’s up.

  So we have the duel on Redemption Island, with Ozzy against Christine, and we see that the viewing bleachers are loaded down with all the survivors from both tribes, along with some extra people that may have drunkenly fallen off a passing ship, instead of just the normal two representatives from the teams. If that doesn’t say “the merge is in da house”, then I’ve been drinking the wrong kind of beer. Kudos to these fine folks for acting surprised and all when Jeff hollered out that they should drop their buffs. Even Michele Bachmann could have figured this one out, despite her husband squealing in the background that he only rents gay porn for research purposes.

2. Ozzy will not be winning an Academy Award in the near future.

  Surfer Dude went over the top with his dramatic oration about how the Evil Cochran blindsided him with the bogus idol play and his pale white, nerd-god skin. The way Ozzy bogusly spit out the word “revenge” reminded me of Bill Clinton saying “I never had sex with that woman!” when we and that blue dress knew differently. And poor Christine. Despite her ill-advised choice of an island-wear smock, I was actually rooting for her. Girl done beat everybody else for the past 20 weeks or whatever, Momma deserves a payout.

3. Coach is one twisted mess of a person.

  He’s annoying as hell, but he’s also incredibly smart, much to my dismay. (Can’t stand the man with his supposed spiritual beliefs that don’t align at all with his actions.) When Cochran tried to pull one of his double-agent moves, Coach threw it back at him and made it very clear that he knew exactly what was going on with the Ozzy crapfest. Whoopsie. Then Coach confesses that people have sometimes tormented him for being different, melting Cochran’s heart and creating a secret man-boy crush that will lead to Cochran not having a date at the finale prom. Just wait for it.

4. Mormons should not retrieve tree mail.

  Whilst stomping on native flora and fauna as they march to the local post office, Dawn has (yet another) emotional breakdown, fessing up to Cochran that they have both been treated as outsiders and maybe it’s time to flip to the other side. As Dawn’s tears irrigate the gasping plants that they have just tromped on, they have a special moment akin to totally unrelated high-school students discovering that they have something minimally in-common whilst eating crappy cafeteria food at the Avoid These People table. (Don’t get me wrong, I actually like Dawn, but girl has got to quit crying every time a coconut falls to the ground.)

5. People named Sophie might have some developmental issues.

  Honey, maybe I just missed something, but how the hell did you end up with that bloody Freddy Kruger gash on your nose? Did you have it shoved so far up Coach’s booty that you snapped an important artery? And really, since we’re gettin’ all real here and stuff, why are you so angry about things? Who took what from you as a child that you decided you needed to be this bitter? Wait, were you sitting at that same high-school table with Cochran and Dawn?

6. Men always do better in competitions that involve them holding their nuts.

  What? Did you really think I wouldn’t go there? Seriously, a man understands the sanctity of the nut (okay, a coconut, but still) and he will treasure it and nurture it with undying devotion. Unless your name is Cochran, in which case you really won’t understand the relevance of a nut, and you end up falling off your tiny little balance beam faster than Jeff Probst can find a supposedly-macho-but-not-really necklace to accent his meticulously disheveled shirt, like he’s actually roughing it along with the real survivors instead of retiring to his yacht after his daily ten-minute appearance on the island.

7. How quickly the tide can turn, even without the requisite number of supermodel contestants splashing in the surf and zipping by under the eviction radar.

  Cochran lasted roughly 3 seconds after the merge before he was spilling his guts to everybody on the opposing tribe. Really? What part does he not understand about “don’t flop on the ground and throw your legs in the air before you actually get to know these people”? Make them buy you dinner first, seriously.

8. I’m still not understanding why Brandon hasn’t already been evicted.

  This basket case comes with more jacked-up baggage than anybody needs to deal with when people are starving and you can’t bathe with any type of satisfaction. Yet there he still is, alternately lusting after anything with boobs and then pointing to the sky where he assumes that Jesus lives. Perhaps someone should hand him a brochure about the destination that lies in the other direction. Boobie-lusters go there, Brandon. Lying boobie-lusters. Five floors straight down. Oh, and watch out for that campfire, it’s a real humdinger.

9. Does Jeff Probst really not understand that he can be annoying?

  Up in the Tribal grill, he’s acting all surprised about some of the revelations, like who has the Immunity Idol and who snores at night and who night be swearing on their departed grandmother’s soul that they will do one thing and yet they do another. Like he doesn’t watch every tiny bit of footage so he can figure out something pithy to say that will make him seem like Yoda with chest hair. Puh-leeze. And that whole “I’ll go tally the votes” mess, which really means “I’ll go arrange the votes for the most drama so people in the viewing audience can wet themselves in anticipation”. Over it.

10. What’s up with hatin’ on the Cowboy?

  So, Ozzy’s tribe decided to go after Rick? Who really hasn’t done anything other than grunt occasionally and manage to grow facial hair that seems a little bit odd. He’s the least of your worries. Why wouldn’t you focus on Coach, and at least make him play the Idol? (He does still have it, right? I’ve slept.) Or what about Albert? Kicking him out will at least force him to find that shirt he hasn’t worn since he stepped off the boat.

  Then again, I’m not actually on the damn island, forced to survive on rice, tiny little fish that result in everyone only getting a single bite of protein, and a Cochroach that has delusions of grandeur and flipping sides. (The jury starts after the next eviction, does he really think jumping ship at this point was a wise idea?)

  Wait, why am I even questioning the motivations of someone who would wear a sweater vest to a Survivor Island? Did he think there would be a library where he can study Shakespearean plays and sip tea with old ladies who completely forgot about sex long before he was even born? That Cochran is just a real catch, eh?

  Anyway, that’s all I’ve got for you, head back to camp.

  Unless you have a creative idea about a new necklace for Jeff. Then you might want to stick around and get some brownie points. Perhaps a fancy necklace, one with a “I’ve fallen and I can’t reach the microphone” panic button that Jeff can slap at when he trips over Coach’s ego and bangs his head on an overstuffed box of past Survivor losers who switched sides at a really, really bad time. Of course, that box is right next to the crate of Survivor winners who fell back-asswards into the last chair, so you never know…

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