1. Create an imaginary friend.
This really isn’t that hard. Based on the information we’ve received from watching Disney movies and purchasing discount children’s books at the supermarket, all it takes to whip up something magical is a bit of imagination and some really good drugs. Use licorice whips for limbs and popcorn balls for heads, and you’re already halfway there. Add some accessories fashioned out of jellybeans and, presto, you have a new companion.
Now you can drive in the carpool lane with complete abandon. If some fool police officer pools you over with questions, you can accuse him of being discriminatory towards minorities. (Sugar people have feelings, too!) Write his badge number down, this always makes them have second thoughts.
2. Determine if it’s really possible to slip into a sugar coma.
People always make jokes about this, but it’s something that we should investigate so that we know the facts if we ever get called into a court of law. Round up some high-density sugar products and throw them all into your mouth, then turn on the TV and watch Fox News. If you don’t find yourself outraged at the lies spilling forth from the air-brushed commentators, then you clearly have slipped into a medically-inert, useless state that is detrimental to the progress of modern society. Make notes for your eventual blog post, and then go vote.
3. Teach uppity neighborhood children about the facts of life.
You know those obnoxious kiddos who think it’s just fine to ride their over-priced bikes through your delicately-tended garden of Easter Lilies on the front lawn? It’s time to take those bitches down. First, throw some of those “bite-size” candy bars into the freezer and wait for them to turn into pellets of pain. Then proceed to your front porch and wait, pretending to be brushing away the cobwebs in the corners. When Little Damien comes hurtling through the stratosphere with a war-cry of destruction, smack him in the head with your frozen ammunition. He’ll think twice in the future.
4. Make a Casserole of Doom that will give you more free time.
Ever notice how so many candy products these days are made of that mysterious hardened-gelatin chewy mess? (We’re talking Dots, Tootsie Rolls, Laffy Taffy.) Plop a bunch of that crap in a baking dish, charbroil it in the oven, and then serve it to your family at meal-time with a nice peppercorn-rhubarb glaze. They will never ask you to cook again, giving you ample time to sample all those Whiskey-of-the-Month bottles that have been piling up in your “special pantry”.
5. Get you some lovin’.
Tired of having to think of creative ways to get your partner to hit all the bases and make a mutually-satisfying homerun? No problem. Nearly everybody loves chocolate. (If they don’t, break off the relationship immediately, there’s no point in continuing with that mess.) Put on something flimsy, accent all of your targeted body parts with bon-bons, arrange yourself artfully in the boudoir, and then begin purring with the need for salvation. Either your toes will be curling within minutes, or a worker from the Humane Society will arrive to throw you in a cage. Roll the dice.
6. Improve the market-value of your home.
Having a wee bit of a problem with the foundation of your house settling in unsatisfactory and costly ways? No worries. Locate the fault point, and shove in several bags of Jolly Ranchers. Those things are bricks of invincibility unless they get wet. Of course, if it does rain, you’re screwed, so get that house on the market before monsoon season.
7. Torment the cat.
Felines cannot resist the sound of crackly plastic wrapping. Gather up all those bite-size treats (we know your cheap ass didn’t buy any of the full-size candy bars), put them in a bowl and place it just out of reach of Little Fluffy. When you get bored, reach in and stir that crap around. Fluffy will go insane trying to get at the bowl, and this can amuse you for hours. (Side Note: In case Fluffy eventually contacts the SPCA, practice saying “I have no idea how that bowl got there” in front of the mirror so you will sound convincing in court.)
8. Extend the holiday festivities.
Who says you have to stop giving candy out after the 31st? Keep the spirit alive, and avoid awkward front-door encounters in the process. Some fool wants to know if you’ve found Jesus? An unwashed person wants to repaint your house number on the curb? A sleazy campaign worker wants you to support a candidate whose publicity photo just screams “pedophile“? Hand these people some stale candy and slam the door.
(Side Note: If you should happen to run out of candy before your enjoyment of this activity has been depleted, start handing people your overdue bills. Eventually some misguided idiot will actually pay one.)
9. Use the remaining candy to justify your natural inclination to procrastinate.
Any time a family member hints that maybe you should get off your ass and do something around the house, simply point to the mounds of unclaimed candy and proclaim that you can’t bear to do a thing until the sugar has found a home. It just wouldn’t be socially responsible. Then retire to a convenient swooning couch in front of the TV, placing one delicate arm over your forehead and moaning about the horrid burdens of trying to do the right thing in life. Work this right, and you won’t have to get off the couch until Christmas.
10. Just eat all the candy yourself.
This is what you really wanted to do anyway. Godspeed.
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