Friday, January 28, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Carrie Underwood - “Before He Cheats”

We start off right away seeing the Carrie-inflicted damage to that “4-wheel drive”, with paint being keyed and headlights being smashed. No messing around here. This is intercut with Carrie on stage somewhere, she and her billowing hair preparing to sing the song. We get a quick image via a side-view mirror of Carrie carrying a baseball bat and sporting a jeans and leather outfit that is smokin’, so I’m already loving this video.

Carrie starts singing, and it’s clear that we’ve got some wind fans kicked into overdrive. Although the golden tresses look fab in this manufactured atmospheric disturbance, I’m concerned that Carrie might be blown off the stage and slammed into one of the roadie wagons. She only weighs about 3 pounds, so it could really happen, and some people won’t be happy about that.

Cut to shots of The Man Who Done Her Wrong smooching on the floozy who started all this mess, and although we can’t really see her face with his tongue in the way, she bears a striking resemblance to Kellie Pickler. I don’t know if this was intentional, or just one of those random things that happen in country music videos when the wrong people have access to beer and casting decisions.

Now we have Carrie wearing designer shades and a black leather jacket (have I mentioned smokin’ hot?), walking out of a parking garage with that infamous bat. She’s apparently marching toward Dumbass and Slutgirl, but before she gets there we cut back to Carrie on that stage kicking into overdrive with her revenge lyrics, followed by more images of vehicular manslaughter. Then we see Leather-Jacket Carrie toss the bat into a gutter, indicating that she don’t need no weapon to deal with that Cheatin’ Loser she lookin’ for.

Carrie is sashaying down some street where there are lots of clubs and women who haven’t seen their natural hair color since Reagan was in office. At first, Carrie is bothered by this crush of unknown people with pointless lives, but eventually she gets a little aggressive and starts shoving people out of the way. (Don’t mess with me, people. I had to deal with Simon Cowell AND Randy Jackson with his dogg thing. Get bent.)

More shots of Bad Boy and Bad Girl sucking face, as well as some nice neon signs for the local bars. Carrie’s still searching for the inevitable confrontation, so she has to throw a few more people out of the way. She’s about to stumble across them, but first we have to cut back to Carrie on stage, so she can belt some more of the song. We also seem to be having some sparks flying from somewhere. Not sure what that’s all about.

Oh good, we finally get to Carrie encountering Nasty Boy and Trampy Girl. She takes his car keys and dumps them into his drink, then marches away in a sexy but defiant manner. It’s very triumphant. But then things get a little weird.

All the sudden, Carrie is walking down the middle of a vacant downtown street. Sparks are flying off the surrounding buildings, and Carrie is doing some kind of shimmy waltz while a severe wind blows her hair back. Next thing you know, glass windows are exploding and shards are flying everywhere. It’s like Halle Berry got really pissed in one of the “X-Men” movies. Carrie is even making a snarling face, which is something that I would recommend that she never do again.

The song winds down with Carrie still in the middle of that street, the wind whip-tailing her hair and the ginormous earrings that some stylist picked out, unaware that Carrie was about to be subjected to a scene you would normally only see on the Nature Channel, on a show called “Heaving Winds of Death” or “Calamity on the Prairie”. But Carrie doesn’t care. She wiggles her hips in total domination, satisfied that she’s destroyed the most important thing in her ex-boyfriend’s life, and then does a dramatic profile shot that would make Jennifer Lopez proud…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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