Saturday, January 8, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Justin Bieber - “One Less Lonely Girl”

We start off with Justin doing a little dance step on some street somewhere. We’re not sure why he seems to be so happy, but he’s young and doesn’t have to worry about bills or being responsible. He starts singing to the camera, which is fine, but he keeps doing the little dance step, which is already annoying and we’re only 10 seconds into the video.

Luckily, the camera pans away so we can see the rest of the street. It’s a typical small-town setting, with businesses here and there, and an obvious lack of gangs and crack houses. We focus on one of those places where you can drag your clothes in and wash them yourself, so apparently something major is going to go down among the suds.

Here comes the starlet of the show, a pretty youngster (naturally) lugging a laundry basket with only about three items in it, so she obviously doesn’t understand things like economics and time-motion studies. She flits her way in the door and past Justin, who just happens to be sitting there playing his guitar. (All the hip young people practice their music in public washing areas.) He ogles Flirtina like she’s the hottest thing to ever carry a container of dirty panties. (In fact, he’s so lascivious with his leer that he would have been arrested if he were a few years older. But I guess horniness is cute when you can’t drive yet.)

Back to the street outside, where Justin sings some more, and seems to be really invested in touching his chest with what he thinks is conviction, but looks more like he’s got some serious congestion. Back inside, Flirtina is prepping her undies and catches Justin giving her the eye. She smiles back, and Justin plays his guitar. (There’s already so much sugar in this thing that they should be running a Diabetic Alert across the bottom of the screen.)

Street again, with more chest-touching and that little dance step that is no longer interesting in any way. (Can you seriously tell me that Paula Abdul wasn’t available for some pointers?) Back inside again, with Flirtina pretending to blush and clearly not getting anything clean while she plays eye-tag with Justin. Then she grabs her basket and leaves (what? forgot her quarters?), but not without obviously dropping something red on the floor. (Something tells me she no longer qualifies to wear white. Just sayin.)

Justin sees the droppage, and scampers over to snatch up the scarf. But instead of chasing down Flirtina and returning what might be her favorite article of clothing, one that she intends to wear at her wedding later that night (it could happen), Justin just stands there and grins to himself, a nefarious plot hatching somewhere under those deadly bangs of his.

Next we see, Justin is hanging up signs with arrows on streetlamps and such, and convincing passersby and street vendors to participate in whatever he has planned. What could The Bieber be up to? We find out when Flirtina enters the laundry facility again with a new load of wash. (She was just here. How dirty can she be?) Once more, she doesn’t really focus on her task at hand, and instead is peering around the place trying to find the guitar-playing teen that she suddenly can’t live without. When she can’t find him, she considers joining a convent, then returns to her basket. Then she spies a note on the wall. “I have your scarf. If you want it back, find me!” She grins ecstatically and dashes out the door, leaving her laundry behind, because nobody ever steals things in those places, right?

And I guess it doesn’t even cross Flirtina’s mind that the note she is now clutching is the same kind that a serial killer would use. Maybe Flirtina doesn’t watch “Law & Order”. Or the news. Or the back of milk cartons.

Flirty starts finding the cute little signs that Justin’s assistant has drawn, bearing slogans like “I will buy you expensive chocolate”, “I will shower you with kisses” and “Please sign this pre-nup.” Flirty also encounters some bonus gifts like candy, flowers and a puppy. These things are handed to her by shop-owners who are willingly promoting underage hanky-panky. Times change, right? Back in the day, you had to sneak out in the middle of the night for a few minutes of groping with your squeeze. Now the grownups are apparently reserving the hotel rooms for you. (Maybe it’s the frequent flier miles.)

Eventually, Flirtina makes it to the end of the trail, dragging along about 500 pages of crayoned paper, so you know she’s a bit tuckered. Flirty wanders into some building where Justin has arranged for candles, strings of pretty lights, and the absence of any responsible adults. He puts the missing scarf around Flirty and then they nuzzle. This causes Flirty to have flashbacks to all the nice presents and livestock she picked up on the way over. They hold each other as the music fades…

Now I think I’ll go watch “The Blue Lagoon.” It seems to be calling to me…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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