Monday, January 10, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Christina Perri - “Jar Of Hearts”

We start out with Christina facing the camera, singing, and we know right away that she’s distraught, because she apparently tried to color her hair at one point but got too despondent to finish the job. She’s sitting on some steps somewhere, and she’s nonchalantly catching things falling from the sky. It might be bits of a burning building, or it could be some really ugly, dead butterflies. I’m not sure.

She finally stands up so the director can superimpose an image of something inky exploding from her chest, followed by a quick shot of an empty jar. (I’m not sure what that’s about, either, but Christina might want to speak to a cardiologist if that happens a lot.) Then she walks around the end of a car so we can see that, one, she’s wearing combat boots, so she’s that kind of girl, and something unfortunate has happened to part of her dress, and it no longer exists. Poor thing. No wonder she’s so sad.

Christina wanders through more cars while an odd smoke billows around. Something somewhere is seriously on fire, or maybe she lives in a city with bad-ass smog issues. We cut to a couple in a car, necking. We get a closeup of the woman’s heaving chest so we can see that inky image again, but this time we watch a heart being sucked out of the woman’s jar, out of her mouth, and into the wicked yapper of the guy. (I’m going to guess he’s the jerk in the song that Christina is singing, the one she really hates, causing her to have unfinished hair issues.) The now-heartless girl realizes that something is amiss, and she struggles to get away from The Evil Boyfriend.

Christina keeps singing and wandering through the battlefield / smog zone / school playground.

Now we have TEB and another girl, necking again, this time in a phone booth. (Because there are so many of those around these days, right?) He’s pulling his deviltry again, sucking at her primary organ. She figures it out as well, and tries to get away from him, but instead of either dying from lack of blood or running for the hills, she chooses to do a very dramatic swoon dance around the side of the booth. Some people just can’t get enough attention.

Christina again, still walking through the fog and bellowing about the pointlessness of relationships and tofu. But now she’s joined by a bevy of her friends, who decide to do an impromptu line dance behind Christina as she and her boots keep marching to wherever they’re going. It’s not clear what they are trying to convey with this choreography, but it must be important, because everyone looks very serious, they try to rend their hair several times, and most of them were busy concentrating on their special moves and forgot to put on a matching outfit.

The Evil Boyfriend once more, and now he’s got another floozy trapped under an umbrella. He pulls the suckage thing with her as well, and she also dances away rather than drive a stake through his heart, so apparently, even if you lose your heart, you will have the art of dance to take its place. Seems fair.

Oh look, now we have Evil Boyfriend surrounded by Christina and her posse. It appears that they are now going to dance him to death, or something like that. The first girl isn’t very successful. She forgets what she’s doing and tries to fly, which allows Evil to pull a move that looks like the Heimlich Maneuver, and she’s out. Another girl tries some special judo that includes high-kicks and backbends, but this doesn’t really get anywhere, either. Evil contorts her body until she looks like something a mule would drag when plowing a field.

(In case you’re wondering, Christina is standing off to the side, still warbling and not helping her Girls fight Evil. Seems a little selfish, to me. Maybe they aren’t that close.)

Now Evil is making one of the girls stand on his knees and act like the figurehead on the prow of a boat that sank a few hundred years ago. (She doesn’t like that and runs away.) Evil drags somebody else across the hood of a car, which is so not good for her couture. This girl gets really angry about that, and hurls Evil off the hood of the car after a brief scuffle. (Okay, then. This is the girl I want on my side in a rumble. None of that dancing crap.)

Evil scrambles off the ground and manages to catch another girl, who looks like she was just late for a pedicure and not really that threatening. I guess Evil doesn’t like pedicures and/or women who wear billowy white pantsuits, because he hoists the woman on his shoulder and twirls her around while her legs fly open. (It’s nice that she can do the splits, kudos, but I really didn’t need to see that.) Evil finally tosses her to the ground.

Now we finally see Christina approaching Evil. He looks slightly unnerved, but not really in the terrorized mood he should be in after being ambushed by a chorus line. This makes Christina even more mad, so she moves in for a kiss, and then sucks out his heart. Very nice twist, but do you really want any of his essence in your body? I don’t see how that can be good. But it’s not my video.

Evil slumps to the ground, while Christina casually watches, making sure he doesn’t despoil her combat boots. Then she marches away, with the heavy black ash turning into puffy white things that kittens might play with, so we can understand that Christina is moving on with her life, which is good. Who has time for heart-sucking death walkers?

As Christina disappears, we see Buffy and Angel run around the corner, just a tad too late to help with the demon-vanquishing. But at least they tried…


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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