Thursday, January 6, 2011

Backup Dancers From Hell: Christina Aguilera - “Not Myself Tonight”

Apparently not, based on this video. Girl done got her some new outfits and an overdose of hormones. Look out. (Side note: There’s some language in this one, and some eye-opening scenes that would not play well at a Baptist revival, so keep that in mind.)

We start off rather chastely, with Christina dolled up in that Greta-Garbo-on-acid look that she’s been sporting for the new album. Nobody’s having sex or anything. But this cleanliness only lasts for a short bit, and we start getting glimpses of Christina wearing far less Puritan couture, and she’s already dripping sweat from her insatiable need to ride the white horse. (We also see that one of the makeup artists thought it would be fun to make Xtina’s eyes look like they exploded in one scene. But why?)

Cut to a room filled with sexy people wearing just bits of leather and some hair gel. Christina is the only one in white, making it easier to find her when it’s time to switch sex partners. She’s pawing on a few of the people while strutting around the room, so she apparently hasn’t made her selection from the menu yet. (Jump shot of Christina screaming for no apparent reason and then grabbing her crotch. Did it say something scary?)

While Christina continues to peruse the offerings in the main room of the sex club, we get other shots of Christina doing things like holding her face, wearing what might be a plastic raincoat, letting us get a closeup of her designer sunglasses, and showing that she can indeed pull off about 400 different hairstyles and still look cute. Well, as cute as one can be while dripping with “personal lubricant” and running around in clothing that is normally used to restrain the criminally insane.

Then the sex addicts in the main room decide to do a line dance, because that’s always a nice form of foreplay. As they prance about, Raincoat Christina decides that she really needs to caress the thighs of a woman hanging from the ceiling. (No explanation is given as to why the woman is in this predicament, the tramp is just there all the sudden.) Oh my, there’s a startling shot showing that Raincoat Christina just figured out what’s for dinner, and she gets busy with that. Seems Christina must have really liked gym class in high school.

Back to the main room, where people are still waving their arms and thrusting their crotches to the beat. (I’m not sure why the girls are all dancing together in power formation, and the guys seem to be dancing with just themselves and apparently listening to a different song, but I haven’t been to any sex clubs lately so I’m sure there’s been some changes.) There IS one point when everybody jumps in the air at the same time, and that’s kind of fun, but it doesn’t really prove anything.

Meanwhile, all the side sex shows are still going on, proving that Christina is a very busy girl. I think my favorite bit is when she makes the army of poodle-haired look-alikes do aerobics, sort of a twisted commercial for the L.A. Fitness that just opened in Stepford. Not so crazy about the business with Christina crawling on the ground and lapping from a dog bowl, because Madonna already did that back in the day with the “Express Yourself” video, and people, once Madonna has done it, there’s no point in you even trying to do it yourself, because it won’t be the same. (They teach you this in “Self-Promotion 101”, the first day of class.)

Anyway, Christina and all her little friends keep gyrating about in all the various settings. They seem to be having a good time, which is nice, but these people really need to calm down if they actually want to hook up. (In one interesting shot, Christina proves that she can continue singing the song whilst wearing a designer wetsuit and scratching her back with her extremely-high heels at the same time. This is something you can only do if you are pop star who can afford a personal trainer.)

Right after Christina sings the bit about having lost her mind (at least she’s honest), the jump-cutting kicks into high gear. More fun with pet food bowls, dressing like a mummy while perched on a red velvet chair, and Christina showing that her fingers are just as limber as her legs, flipping us off if we don’t care for her singing about her hoo-hoo and frolicking with randy people wearing pointless shreds of clothing who can grab her breasts in time to the beat.

Now Christina has managed to come up with a “Blade Runner” hairdo and a dress that was run over by a tractor. This Christina really likes to run her fingers over her neck, but she might just be trying to get some of the bobby pins out, because that hairdo looks WAY too tight. Cut to 8 shirtless guys wearing jeans and doing a line dance in a parking lot where it’s rainy and dark. They’re cute and muscular and all, but why would they want to do this?

It seems that Christina is wondering the same thing, so she puts on a red bra and panties to go check it out. The guys don’t explain anything, but they do form a circle around Christina and pretend like they are banging on drums while she acts like her crotch is about to explode. Perhaps this is a tribal ritual from one of those countries where they still don’t get satellite TV.

Now Christina is doing another Madonna tribute, hopping around on a giant Art Deco staircase and fiddling with a monocle. (Oh, and there’s also something about a hooker choir in a church, but it’s not really clear what they are doing in this particular House of the Lord, other than some choreography that involves slut stilettos and g-strings. That’s one offering plate that you probably shouldn’t touch without wearing latex gloves.)

Next we have Christina walking out of a clothes closet, most likely because her hair is too big and bushy to stand in there comfortably. She’s holding a Molotov cocktail, which she casually tosses over her shoulder into the closet, then assumes a sexy stance which actually looks like it might require a chiropractor if she does that too much. (I guess those clothes were SO last season and it was time for them to go. Burning the house to the ground is one way to take care of that.)

Shameless plug of Christina’s new line of fragrances, with the camera lingering lovingly on two of the glamorous bottles. Oh wait, the plug continues, with Christina, back in the red panties and bra, practically dousing herself with gallons of the perfume. Apparently this is some good stuff, because it causes a sweaty stud to magically appear in the room with her.

And I guess the fragrance gets into the air vents of the sound stage, because suddenly everyone in all the set pieces erupts into a mad whirl of pawing each other and tossing bits of clothing about. While Christina straddles her Magic Man, the rest of the gang gets busy clawing, riding, flipping hair, changing partners with every third word of the song, and line-dancing whenever there’s enough floor space.

The alarming carnality reaches a peak and then recedes with the whispering end of the song. We are left with Christina having managed to find some of her clothes and staring directly into the camera, acting all innocent, pure, and incapable of doing anything we’ve just seen her do.

Uh huh.


Click Here to Watch the Video on YouTube.

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