Wednesday, December 22, 2010

12 Last-Minute Gift Ideas And Some Creative Lies To Go With Them

1. Slim Jim’s from the corner convenience store.

(Take meat out of cheap plastic packaging prior to arrival. Wrap in ugly silk scarf that Cousin Edna got for you 20 years ago and you’ve never worn.) “This is a special friendship log that I ordered for you from Bolivia. It was hand-made by hundred-year-old nuns in a convent dedicated to the log-making skills of St. Felicia the Sturdy-Limbed. They have taken a vow of silence, so I don’t really know what’s in it, but legend has it that you will now be fertile whenever fertility might be necessary. But you might want to stay away from Bolivian sacrificial ceremonies when your loins start to tingle.”

2. The leftover plastic cap from a gallon of milk.

(Be sure to hold cap upside down when presenting with a flourish.) “This is a tea light holder recycled from salvaged parts of Apollo 13. This has actually been on the moon and has been touched by Tom Hanks when he was rehearsing how to look uncomfortable in a tight place. That patch of dried whiteness is actually someone’s sweat from the heat of reentry. Only 10 of these were ever made, and Ron Howard owns 9 of them.”

3. A chicken bone from KFC.

(Light incense just before proffering to recipient.) “This is a special talisman blessed by the Voodoo Priestess Marina del Crotchlina de Taco Bella. She rubbed it profusely during an intricate, midnight ceremony wherein there was chanting and the releasing of orgiastic cries. If you wear this around your neck, you will exude an overwhelming musk that will bring all the boys to the yard. And the dogs.”

4. An empty dry-cleaning bag.

“They have been lying to you all these years. This really IS a toy.”

5. A small tree branch that fell in your yard.

(Prep this item by stripping away ugly limbs to make it more convincing. A splash of red food coloring on the sharp end will be a nice touch.) “This is a battle spear used by the Mayans during the Backsplash Revolution. Some say it’s the very spear used to torture Mother Theresa Quesadilla, forcing her to reveal the hiding place of the Babbling Bishops while she was held captive in a Mexican restaurant. Late at night, if you listen carefully, you can hear the spear asking if you’d like a side of guacamole with that.”

6. An old bucket and a garden hose.

“This was Marie Antoinette’s favorite bidet. I got it on eBay.”

7. The bag of grass clippings that you forgot to drag to the curb on Trash Pickup Day.

(For authenticity, peel the produce sticker off an apple and slap it on the bag, giving it an air of somehow being imported from a faraway land where people speak funny and have odd holidays that don‘t make sense.) “This is mulch from Scotland. It was composted under the very tree where Mary, Queen of Scots, had someone executed for wearing plaid at an inappropriate moment. If you use the mulch properly, your begonias will thrive, and you will feel the growing need to no longer wear panties under your skirt.”

8. The never-read owner’s manual in the glove box of your car.

(Prep work: Cross out any wording on the front, and then seal the book closed with duct tape. Beat book on ground for added effect.) “This sacred book contains all of the secrets of the known universe. But you are not allowed to open it until Justin Bieber is no longer popular. If you open it before then, there is the possibility that he might reproduce, and the planet cannot currently support such a thing.”

9. The spare tire off your car.

“Wear this around your waist and roll down a hill. Everybody is doing it in France.”

10. Beer

I think this one is self-explanatory.

11. Scratch-off Lotto cards.

Because nothing says “love” like making someone perform manual labor on a little rectangle that they will just throw in the trash when they don’t win anything. Translation: “You are disposable to me, and my affection is dimming. Can you pass the pea salad?”

12. Great Aunt Pearl.

Nobody likes Pearl. She’s rude and doesn’t bathe properly. Isn’t it time another family had the opportunity to be berated about everything they try to do in their lives? I think so. Give her away. It’s the Christian thing to do.

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